2008-12-29

Somebody is in my head

Last saturday I had one of those sessions again. Starting to cry, wondering why I was not allowed to awaken. All those people, bitches, drogadicts and fanatic religious ones. They made it. But I was denied. Why? Thay always said that one should be nice and good to be able to enter the kingdom of Gods. But to me it seems that the meaner one is, the easier to get there.

The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.

Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.

2008-12-22

So, now the peace ended.

I have been aware it starts moving again.

Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.

Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.

I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.

2008-12-11

Here we go again!

Seems like peace is over for now.
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.

If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!

2008-12-05

The brain

Havn´t been here……….

,,,,,,,,much lately and that is great.
Spirituality is as toxic as drogs so it will probably take years before I am free of it. Dome days it just pops up and makes demands, but so fat I am able to resist.

I am now busy with finishing everything that is left after my dad died. Then I have a lot to do with photographing and the other blogs I have. I keep myself very busy. But this morning I stoped and wondered why. But I know why, it is to keep myself free of spiritual thoughts.

I have read some more about the brain. The research nowadays reveal a lot of the brain. For now it seems like all spiritual experiences is just gosts created in the brain. Everything we experience is only works of the brain. Spiritual stuff no different. It is just about the brain. And when we die, it is gone. And that is good, that is the real comfort. If there is one.

The brain seem to be constantly changing, new pathways are created. Somewhere is those spiritual experiences created. Not different from our experience of colors or sound or warmth.
So, life is only created in our brains, when the brain is shut down there is nothing more to experience. That is true death.

So, I keep busy to fool the brain, locking certain things out.

2008-11-26

Caregiving over

Dad past away last sunday. Now I have 6 weeks to finish his home. Last bills, split the home between children and grandchildren. Ending evrything and finally throw away everything nobody wants to keep.

Can´t help but think, now when my caregiving duty is over for now, what is spiritside going to haunt me with now? I bet it will be ugly.

2008-11-11

One of those nights

Again I had one of those nights when the pillow gets wet.

Spirituality knocking on the door making heart sobb. I had to put a towel on the pillow to avoid getting it all soaked down. It took me two hours and two Valeriana pills to finally go to sleep. Today I feel empty.

The only good thing is that it is longer now between those attacks. Hopefully it will subside entirely.

2008-10-28

To hell with it

The last couple of days has been kind of emotional. Yesterday it was a very nice autum morning. I took a walk down to the lake. But instead of finding peace there was a black hole in my chest. An empty space that should have been filled with content and peace with self.

Then the internet trouble started and I got furious. That was all that was needed to set all emotions to start. Blaming the Universe for every crap that happens. The longing for death. Why the h-l live a life like this? It´s disgusting. And for no sk-n reason.

Today the intestines started to bleed. They always do when I am troubled. So now I can really live out my hate for the universe. To hell with it.

2008-10-10

For Fin

I´ve been wondering why you wrote me of all people to get the adress. Maybe I have something to tell.

I don´t know why you wanted to talk to no1, but maybe you don´t need to.

As I see it now, none of them has anything important to say. They are unable to help as they are not done themselves. They claim to be one with the universe, awaken or what ever. But they are not. They are still stuck in the body and limited to it. They think they know The All, but, yet they have no access to my mind. They have no clue of what is going on in my mind. Or yours. I could never see myself as finished as long as the mind is limited. Yea, they have come a long way, but they still have a long way to go.

Chip and grimnexus was the two that knew me best. Yet none of them understood what is going on in my mind. I don´t think they even believed me.

And all those teachings, the secrets. Chip told me of a well kept secret she had discovered. But that was a thing I have known for decades. A comon thing in my eyes. And she was amazed.

I read the Tibetan book of the dead. That book needed only to be one page long. All it said was: recognice all that comes as being yourself. Know the energy to be you!

I started to read one of the books of D Lama.The Dzogchen one. He lived all his life learning Buddism. Yet for all learning and a lifetime of living it, he dared not say he was awakened, and he did not teach his own knowing. Halfway into the book I got mad and throw the book into the lake where I was sitting. It´s on the bottom now I guess, covered with mud. There was only booklearning in there, and nothing I did not already know.

Since then I refuse to do any work in that area. I´ve been stoped, I´ve been hit, I´ve been covered again with the dirt I cleaned of, to not discover the truth. Now I don´t any more. I am pissed of to not be allowed to do myself what I was supposed to do. If the spirit wants to go further, it is up to it. I don´t bother any more.

What I want to say really is that I don´t think you need to consult anybody. They have nothing to tell you. If they can´t read your soul, if they can´t see/be your mind, they are not done. And none of them can, they can´t penetrate that barrier. And then, they can´t help you. But at least grim knew that there is more. He was still searching last I heard anything.

If ever I will "awaken" I expect it to be no limits whatsoever. With the body only as a channel to communicate to the world of matter.

2008-09-22

Forest

Was in a forest today looking for mushrooms. Spent a very nice time in there. Until……….the forst started to wisper….join me, link your mind with mine. Tears started to come but I pressed it back. Am not going t cry.

Earlier when this happened I usually found a good stump to sit on, then entered meditation. The me/forest was the only thing existing.

Today I closed, bit my tounge and left the forest. Heart crying, but I can´t risk being beaten again.

2008-09-18

Chip

I miss you, but the one I miss is the one you were before awakening. There was a lot of fun then. Since then we headed in opposite directions.

Bird watch

Last saturday I attended a birdwatch event. First time for me on such a fieldtrip. (funny, now I have a hard time writing in english, getting used to the swedish blogs)

We were 6 people going to Lake Kvismare Bird Observatory. I had a great time but that was not what I was going to write about. I have that in swedish blogs.

After I got back home looking through the images I realised one thing. For 6 h I had 5 people around me that I never met before. 1 woman, 4 men. I had moved among them as if they had been ONE person. Bet that is how bees work. This group, from my point, had acted and moved as one unit in a way I have not encountered before. Strange!

2008-09-14

On the door

The doorbell rang. Open the door. Outside is a couple, middleage. I spot the bible in the mans hand.

No damned bible here..........I say...........slamming the door shut.

2008-09-09

Where do I belong?

The past three weeks I have worked with a new blog. A nature and photo blog. What else? This is a swedish one and it has taken rather much time. I wanted to write exclusively about nature and photo. No human troubles or religious stuff. Wanted to make it an oasis for people to visit and just enjoy.

Well, this is a blog community that one of our newspapers provide. So, looking around, and to make my blog known , I visited some blogs. Already after three weeks I am tired to death. This is why I withdrew a couple of year ago. The same issues, the same problems. The meaner the better. There are a few nice ones of course. But it seems, still, that people just loves to misunderstand each other. The "under the belt" blogs draws a lot of attention. And the subject "nature" is not even on the list.

I´ve already been through all that stuff. Have no wish to repeat it. Even if I have the experience to help out here and there they will not listen. Or, my voice is drowning in the crowd. It makes me sick to read about everything knowing I can´t do a shit about it. There will be no change, everybody trapped in their own situation.

Can´t be there, can´t be in spiritual community either. Spiritworld saw to that. In between! Belonging nowhere. That´s me.

Went thro the rainy forest yesterday. When the forest is wet it becomes so clear. It is like you can see every detail that you normally don´t. You can see the details as clear as the whole. My mind should be that clear, seeing everything, the whole, be able to see the atoms in the body, see the tiny forming the big things. Everything, being one. Shapes forming and disappering. Constant movement. Knowing everything. That is what my mind should be. Not "in between". Mind open, allknowing.

2008-09-04

Shit

I wonder what great lesses is to be learned by feeling like you have to shit all day? Is there a universal wonder to discover?

Really, I am tired of this. I never knew why I have to drag this body around in the first place. Heavy and tiresome. Unbending, with a lot of functions I could be without. I know, the body is a wonder in many respects, but when it comes to the handling of waste and the mind, it really sucks. A body that does not agree with what I want. Brains that goes it´s own way no matter what I want. Even inventing things that isn´t "real" what ever that is! What´s the point? In One living system there should be agreement in how to live and what to want. Spirit and body should not disagree. And the universe should not interfere either. Making the pictue even more complicated.

Is there no shitten rules to this?

Talk about shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-01

Garden cross spider

Watched a TV-program about gravity this evening. The gravity net in the universe, keeping it all together. Then this little friend weaved a net on my balcony. Nice. Havn´t seen such a nice net for years. Coincidence? Does not matter really, I knew that already. It just got visible.

2008-08-26

Forest and blogs

The past week I have set up a blog in Sweden. A request from my sister actually. She thought the blog community lacked a natureblog.

Well, already after a week I find I can´t do this. I can´t write about the serenity of the forest and lake. That what I used to feel and as I wanted to relay to others. The thing is, I can´t go there anymore. I can´t be one with the forest or lake as I used to. I can no longer draw strength from nature. I am just a visitor now, I still see the beauty of it, but that is all. As soon as I just think of expanding my mind to join nature, I back off. My brain tells me it is no danger, but my spirit says it is.

How could this happen, how could it become like this? My entire existence is crippled. Oh dear……

2008-08-25

I wish I was…


a butterfly. Fluttering around on delicate wings. Visiting flowers. With thoughts light as smoke rising towards the sky.
Until……..I realised they too, are dragged towards earth. As trapped as we are.

2008-08-21

What has it done

Really, isn´t that boring but I can´t get away from thinking of what it has done to me. There are 2 main things.

1 it taught me to hate. Never did that before, but now I do.
2 it spoiled the fun of life. Taught me what meaningless is. No matter what I do it does not really matter. I can have fun for a while but still, it is empty have no value to it. Just a way to pass time and it is still better to have fun than not.

So why am I not sitting in a corner doing nothing? Because the body is restless. So, for now, I am setting up a new blog. My sis thought it is a shame there are no blog describing nature. So, to make her happy, I´ll do that for a while.
Pretending it matters.
Can as well do that.
Body wants to feel needed.
Maybe I can fool myself if I try hard enough.
Forget for a while.

2008-08-17

Difficult

Life has become difficult. Avoiding everything spiritual or regligous is a really hard task. There is no newspaper or magasin without writing about it in different ways. Not to mention books. I can hardly read a book anymore as sooner or later there will be churches or priests in the drama. In every paper there are articles about how to become happy and content. By things, by shampoo, by aerobics, by meditation and of course, by God. And it is all lies.

Often I turn of the movie I am watching ecause there is religions involved. Or people are just treating each other like s-t. And I hate that.

Yesterday it occurred to me that there will be even more obstacles because of my situation. If I go on another travel, the travel agency has booked a lot of churches to watch. I will have to remain outside. If, in a couple of years, my grandkids wand to get married and choses to do that in church, I can´t go. Not anymore. Already 5 years ago I felt uncomfortable when I was exposed to one of those crosses. And it has not get any better. How can I tell them that I will not visit any churches, no matter who are going to marry or baptise a child. That will be hard, but I will not be able to do it. I can come to the dinner later on maybe. But that will not be the same. Hope when that day comes, they will understand, but I doubt that.

Life has become difficult, religions and spiritual staff is everywhere you turn. Almost impossible to avoid. I just can´t handle it.

2008-08-15

Packing

Dreamt I was going somewhere so needed to pack. Started to do that but stopped, raised my head, blindly looking forward, then dropped the arms… stopped packing………………

2008-08-14

Headache and more tears

Yea, it gives me headache.

The other day there were a lot of hits on this blog. I wondered why. Then my sister suddenly wrote me about a site with something called Mindfulness. Seen it before and it is nothing other then a version of everything else. Meditation and other things. Can trap you as easy as religious crap. Easier, as it seems harmless enough without dogmas.

I was wondering why she wrote about that as she always are against anything religious and has very determind idéas of how easy it is to stay away. L

Now it seems like it was she that was reading and then wrote about mindfulness. L (Another trick from the universe? Using my sister?) Then she told me she did not want to link to my new photoblog as it was leading, in a number of steps, to ADNOTS. I did not even think she new about it. Does people really click on every button they see? I did not even knew it was possible to go that way. Just thought people stumbled over ADNOTS by accident or "old friends" visiting once in a while.

And then my reaction……………geeee, I am really messed up. The Universe did a great job breaking me. How could it do this to me? It is supposed to be a wonderful thing???? And now……………well, I need this blog anyway. It is a kind of safetyvalve. Helps me stay sane, or…….as sane as I can be.

And, if somebody decides to stay away from so called spiritual stuff after reading this, then something good came out of it. So, sis, no need to read this anymore, it is as good as it gets. I have to live with it, don´t do the same mistake.

2008-08-12

Well, as I am at it………..human.2

……..I can as well continue on the other subject.

In one of the science mags I read there was a whole lot of articles about the "human.2". meaning that humans.1 is out of date and what will version 2 become?

A lot of question arises. Will we become cyborgs? That seem to be the most likely outcome. Or will we be prefect individuals created in a test tube. By genetheraphy or cloning?

What does that mean to the soul? If there are something like the soul? If there are an evolment chain working through karma and rebirth, how will it be effected by a human created "perfect" individual? In the early stages of the embryo they are able to change genes for sicknesses, keep the genes for blue eyes and delete the brown colors. Choose whether it shall be a foy or girl. They can make us intelligent by either genetheraphy or adding a computerchip to the brain. Artificial eyes and ears and hands.

What does all this mean to spiritual evolvment? How does it affect what is "me". If, for once, I consider it a good thing. Has the universe accounted for all "happy people" created to live a good life without sicknesses or unhappyness? Living for hundreds of years as if they were only 30 years of age.

I just wonder………………….. as to me it seems that, up to now at least, the means of spiritual evolvment is due to how unhappy and pissed you are. So, how will it work in the future when we deside. Can we deside how our sense of "me" shall be? Can we create what "I am" is to be? Cheat evolution?

Orange peeler

Last week I got the usual advertisment letters from one of our bookclubs. It is always large letters and beside the ad paperwork they always put in some stuff. It has been a lot of pencils, rubbers, a tiny plate, red plastic hearts and a lot of other stuff. This time they got me. All of which it forces you to open the envelope as you cant throw it in the paper recycling box. An orange object a bit curved with an hook or something in the middle. It alluded my fantasy completely. No matter how I tried. Asked my dad to. We came out empty. Sooooo, found an emailadress to the company and asked the support department. It was an orangepeeler!!!!! What the h-l has an orangepeeler to do with books?

Somehow this reminds of this spiritual stuff. The other side persists in sending those never understood "gifts". What for? Just to make us first, feel choosen and important, then frustrated as you never understand what the h-l it is all about. Are they doing it on purpose? Yea, I say "it" as that is the reality I live in. No matter how much there are only one universe. The Universe has no emailadress or supportdepartment to turn to. Just worthless "guides".

As you, the reader that still visits this blog, can see, it never leaves you. No matter what! I find no wisdom in this. At least, for now, it keeps a low profile.

2008-08-05

O, dear!

Bath-tub-thoughts! That dream! It seems like, as soon as I recognize the dreams pattern I take control, the dream becomes vivid. I did not miss the train this time, I left it. And…somebody followed me out. That person was the one picking up phones to start retrieving my possessions because I did not really care. In the tub, where thoughts usually runs free I recognised that individual as the "guide" or whatever it/he was, was the same as visited me a number of times in dreams and meditations some years ago. The one that put the dirtcover back on me. It has been gone for about two years now so did not recognise it at once. This time I did not miss the train, I left it, and was brought back on the track, if not the train. Earlier it stoped me, now it pushes me onward. Don´t they know what they want?

What does that mean? Is that one back to keep me going. Well, now when I know I can act accordingly. Bet they put me in an airplane next time. That has not happened yet. Pretty hard to leave it then, right? I´ll take a parashute. lol

Again

not surprisingly I, again, had a traindream and did not reach the destination. lol It is almost fun.

This time I was on the train to go to a town for some education I think. Every time the train had stoped I had walked out to look at the surroundings. Close to the destination it stoped again. I walked out and so did another passenger, a male. We talked and walked a bit along a rockwall. Then turned and remembered that the train would probably leave soon. Walked a bit faster, but, of course, the train started as soon as we spotted it. There we were, train leaving station. We did not even get upset. It was somehow expected. We got to the station and could borrow a thelephone so we could phone whoever was in charge to be able to retrive our possessions and get to the destination. Inside I was bubbling with laughter.Thinking to myself, when is this "not reaching the destination" going to end?

If anybody wonder why I write down all those dreams, it is because those are the only dreams that I remember. Normally I never remember dreams.

2008-08-04

It begins

O, my poor soul. How it longs, and my hands wants to type to spirit sites. But it does not matter, I will not go there. I will not start that all over again. It has not proven anything to me. I still see only smashes coming. I am not going back no matter how much the soul wants it.

The fight is on……….Get out of my system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-01

Feeling others

In my life I have always been sensitive to others. What they feel, how they express things. Even if I had not the same experience I was able to understand their emotions about things.

Lately that has changed somehow. Today I can walk in the shop, seeing a mother and a child. And for a brief moment I AM that mother or the child. I see situations and I am instantly one of the persons. Just for a moment. It´s kind of weird. It even works on birds. I not only notice its behavior, I AM it for a moment.


Strange!

2008-07-29

Here we go again! Traindream! What else was expected?

It does not give up? Does it.?

This time I will just give a short version of the dream.

I was in the trainstation serching for the departure of a train. I was supposed to go to some sort of celebration for me. At first there was somebody accompany me, but that person disapperd. (chip?) Then I needed to go to a restroom but found only a mens one. So went in there. Met somebody I talked to. When going out I noticed my glasses was gone. And now the time was short for departure. Searched for a moment but decided I had to run for the train. Did so. But, of course, the train left when I had but 2 m left. Stood there, thinking I could take the next one, turned to go back for the glasses. I never went back as I was aware of the nature of the dream. I had recognised it.

How many of these have I dreamt? And why? I does not make sense. Here is a complaint I am not doing the shitten work, loosing my lifes goal. BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GO THERE I GOT STOPPED. SMASHED, HIT, LEFT ON THE FLOOR CRYING. I HAD MY BRAIN SPLIT, BEEN CRYING OCEANS OF TEARS. WHEN I CLEANED THE AURA… THE DIRTCOVER WAS PUT BACK ON ME. WHEN I WANTED TO LEARN HEALING I WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING, TOLD NOT TO GO THERE. WHEN TRYING TO GO THROUGH THE VAIL IN MEDITATION, THE FIRE WAS PUT DOWN, ENDED, KILLED! I WAS THROWN OUT. And yet, it has the nerve to tell me I failed.

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT WANT FROM ME? I CERTAINLY CANT BOTH GO THERE AND NOT, SIMULTANEOUSLY. AND NOW I HAVE NO WHISH TO GO, IT HAS NOT EARNED MY TRUST. I AM NOT GOING TO BE SMASHED ONCE AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO THERE!

Get the hell out of my system! Don´t give me any more of those shitten dreams!

2008-07-17

So stupid it makes me angry

This morning I dreamed again. But this time it took me several hours before I realized what it was all about. A coment to my last posting.

I dreamt that my mother, who past away last october, came to the house. She looked very dead. But she was a teacher now, obviously. Then my dad, still alive, was joining her. They made a lot of fuss to be certain I understood that they were going to another town to teach somebody else. They really made it clear that they were leaving to do that.
End of dream.

So, this time it was no missing any trains or cargoships. This time the teacher was going elswhere. Really……..going.

The dream so stupid it makes me sick to my stomach. Where the hell is the wisdom? If this is "guiding" it is sooo bad it makes me ashamed. It behaves like an imature teenager. Pisses me off. Is there no remedy that can poisen this so I get rid of it?

2008-07-14

Mist

When I come in here nowadays, I find it strange. Was all this real? It was what my life circled around for 10-12 years. Something like that. Now it seems like a dream, a bad dream, far away, covered in mist. It´s hard to understand it was real. The urges, the longing, the duality. I never understood it.

Most of the time it was nothing but pain and suffering. I have to admit though that there was some good friends to light it up. Well, if they was friends, or if I was? Makes no difference, it is all gone now. Don´t think there will be much more to analyse. That world, that bad dream, is fading away like in the movies. Life comes back.

What I learned, if I learned, went away faster then it came. Left me empty. In the mist.

Maybe it is time to close this site?
Kids, kayaking, butterflies…………….that´s life!

2008-07-11

Flying free


Too bad it isn´t me.

2008-07-09

Responsibility?

Have been reading a mag about the mind and brain. (Scientific American Mind).

One really wonders, can a person ever hold responsibility for what is wired in the their brains? I mean, everything seem to depend on how the brain is built. Everything from happiness to becoming a murder and abuser. Cancer as well as sleep patterns, your sexual desires as well as your taste of food. There is literally nothing that can be said to be "your own choice". It is all dictated by the brain.

Makes me wonder about Karma. Is it the law of karma that wires our brains? Sending us into one disaster after another? Maybe people needed an explanation for how we work and did not know what caused it. So "the law of karma" was invented. If Karma really exists………who is responsible for wiring our brains? Who is so great it can deal with us as it chooses? And mostly treat us like shit? WHO has the RIGHT to do it? I am not sure I like to hear the answer.

In an article I have read about religious experiences. That too is wired in the brain as it seems. Surely visions and altered states of mind depends of conditions of the brain.

So, I am not responsible for anything. Not even what I choose to eat. Or whom I love. If I do love at all.

: (

2008-07-06

2008-06-28

Suffering

The way i see it, the only reason for suffering is ………progress.
Without suffering and dispair there would be stagnation. And life don´t like that.

So, problem is: awakened people say there is “nothing” and “nothing happens” ….ever!….how is that possible? If that is true, there would be no suffering and no dispair. And nobody to feel any of it.

PERIOD!

2008-06-25

Here we go again.

Started again this morning. Had to take some pills again. It is soon time to get a new prescription if this continous the pesent pattern.

It is like having a bad boyfriend. Somebody that don´t love you but has to show its power over you. Stalking you! Never leave you. Promises good things but the only thing you get is pain and suffering.

I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my brain malfunctioning. But I don´t think so because this never happens around people. Only when I am alone. And when I visited a doc he did not think I was mad.
When will it end, when will I go into oblivion? Whish my dad could pass so I am free to do the same. Forest, lakes, butterflies and wild strawberries or family does not help anymore. Deathwish is strong. Probably the only way to cheat it, to escape.

2008-06-22

Again

This morning it started again. Those convulsive feelings that cames before the crying attacks. Took some calming pills to prevent it to proceed.

I hate this, I can´t even enjoy life because of it. It´s always below the surface. Wanting, demanding. Waiting for a chance to act. …when my guard is low………just to hit me again! L

How I hate it! The only thing I want is to die, not leaving any trace behind, never live on other planes. “Higher” they call them. What a joke, I don´t WANT to live forever in some shitten eternity. I don´t care how it is. Is it too much to ask……..just to dissappear……never to be aware again.

I HATE THIS!
And………again…………it´s raining tears……..does not matter, am not starting all over again. Will take more pills.

2008-06-16

Abusive bitch!

If, as they say, nothing matters and nothing exists, THEN no agony should be needed. The damned universe should not hold everybody in pain. It is not needed.

The sh-n universe is an abusive bitch. And it still don´t get it, I don´t want to become what it seems to be. It is still sneeking around to try to lure me to start all over again. Just to smash my head once again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I am not doing it. Get the h-l out of my system!

The past days I´ve been watching news again. Have avoided it for a couple of years. Really, awakened people thinks it is all ok, no good, no bad. All is fine! What a joke. If it does not matter, why all evil?

Something is very wrong about this stuff.

2008-06-12

The “Ride” again

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

The “Ride” again

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

2008-06-09

Rid yourself………….

……………of men and “Gods” and suddenly …. life is almost worth living.

2008-06-01

………..same old

Have been trying to read books again. Usual books about people. Not spiritual ones. It does not interest me anymore. People does not bother me anymore. Chip said it is a beautiful world. I wonder what kind of eyes she ses with? To me it is just “same old, same old” everything I see and hear and read………. been there before. Feelings, idéas, adventure……….been there, old stuff. Why do I recognise everything? And nobody recognises me.

It starts pulling again, for what purpose? There is nothing for me to read and nobody for me to talk to. Vacuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2008-05-27

Apartments again

First, my dad told me yesterday he had been visited by my mother twice last night. She died 8 months ago.

OK, woke up rather early this morning but managed to go back to sleep. Woke up again after 2.5h and I think the dream lasted the better part of that time.

First I was in the old place where I was working for Gunnar. It was an old, molten and dark place and I had lived there for long. There was the big old aquarium, still there, but with no fish any more. (have dreamt about it 2 before) I was cleaning up some stuff there. Old papers and stuff to throw away. Then some people arrived, and a woman came to find me. She had a parcelgoods with furniture to deliver to me.

Oh, but it shall not be in here, you have to take it to the new appartment. A place I hired in another dream. A big appartment on the topfloor of a building. Then I hurried on to clean out the old one fast so I could go to the new one and receive that parcelgoods.

When I came to the buildning I realised I had to climb on the wall, passing a very narrow place to get to the top floor. When I got into the appartment there was, again, a lot of old stuff, not mine, to clean out. Remember a lot of residue of wallpaper. So, old large appartment that is supposed to become nice and great. The first piece of furniture is in place. But I still don´t know what it was.

*************************’
So, if I get this right, I have now cleaned out and left a lot of crap behind. I am in the new place and have to make it that great place to be in. Still a lot of work to do. But with what am I supposed to fill it? I can´t use the old stuff. There can be no reading old texts for clues.

Well, anyway, it is better to build anew. But with what??????????? Better not be too happy, can still mean a lot of grief.

2008-05-22

Gone!

Now, all books are gone. Threw them out this morning. Now I only have to “clean up” the computer. Lot´s of links to delete.

2008-05-21

Dzogchen ended up in the lake

Says it all, doesn´t it? It´s been nagging at me for a couple of days. Tried to read some by the lake today. It is just crap, all of it sooo……..ended up in the wet. Guess I am done reading now. It became food for fish.

2008-05-18

What an awful day.

Today I was checking out some DVD.s with relaxing systems in them. Like yoga, tatji and such.
I ended up with a day like the one in december. One crying attack after another. Kept going on for three hours. Hurts like hell. Why don´t they just kill me? I don´t want to live like this. For how many more years do I have to live like this? It does not matter what I do or not do. I still end up in this horrible situation. Why don´t they just kill me?

My eyes are sore after floods of tears, my head aching, the muscles are stiff and hurting from defence system, trying to smash things in anguish. The workout maschine was hit hard today. Trying to release some of the pain. Then I took a pill to ease it for a while.

Why don´t they just kill me if they never aprove of what I do? I wish my dad dies so I can kill myself as they don´t do it.

Sore muscles

My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them. L

Yeah…. like choosing between plague and cholera. To ease the stiff and aching muscles I have to go where I know I will ultimately be back in being smashed. Is there any way to balance this at all? How can I let the body use what the mind can´t handle? Is it possible at all? When the body relaxes into ……… the mind and spirit follows, then, back to being smashed………..like before, so many months to try to heal, just to being cut to pieces again.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I can´t.

2008-05-17

Free will & Sore muscles

Was reading about tests indicating free will as tests indicate descission is made before we are aware of it. I´d say these testresults is not an indication if there is free will or not. It is more likely to be the first indication that we are NOT the body/brain. There is a spirit of sorts that IS US. That spirit “me” is doing the descision, then there is a delay until it can be executed in the body. Much like a driver in a car. The driver makes the decision, then it has to be trenaformed to the car that executes it. And much like a driver is dependent of the quality of the car, the spirit is dependent of the quality of the body-brain system at it´s disposal.

So, more research might show us the spirit that we are. And the question of free will must be placed on a higher level.


My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them.

2008-05-13

Tibetan book

In the bath tub I was thinking, minds wandering actually, that I should not really have to figth the spiritual. As they say, chip and more, the universe is static and don´t move, so why am I in this fighting and avoiding situation? They also say there is no emotions, so how can I be hurt?

The Tibetan book I wrote about before, that was wrong too. If I can “recognise myself as that energy” then it is something outside “myself”. And it can´t be “me”. When I am IT, there is nothing outside to recognice. So that book is compleately worthless.

Mind is constructing a huge amount of lies to keep it where it is. Separate! So difficult to harnest. Even when you know it, so hard to convince the mind, the tragic of life. Even if the mind wants to die, it clings.

So, why waste so much energy on fighting something that don´t exist? Should not have to do that.
But as long as it harass me, I guess I have to. Mind just loves to invent stories and intrigues.

2008-05-09

European song contest

Another dream on the same topic. I miss the event!

SOOOOOOOO WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Stopp harrasing me. This time I was compeating in the song contest. Just before I was to perform I realised I lost the lyrics. It was no way I could remember it. When searching for a paper with it on I missed the time I should be on stage. So, then I ran up a long stairway to get to the stage, hopefully I would remember when the music started. But it was too late, when I get there my time was over already.

So, once again, I “missed the train, or ship or songcontest”. And yet again I scream: get out of my head! How the hell am I supposed to know what you expect me to do?


If you want it soo bad, the hell, tell me what to do! Or finally, get the hell out of my head. I can´t both do something and be stopped when trying.

I refuse in playing this stupid game.. I don´t care, when I die I am gone, what happens to you is not my concern, sooo, get the hell out of my head.

I was accused of not listening, but what happens to me has nothing to do with “teaching” as I understand it. It is about what happens, not what is said.

2008-05-01

Reading......Silence Is .....

It is strange, but why is it that paople don´t seem to read what I actually write? They seem to read something totally different.

I think I understand what people write, at least if I read their words, so why don´t they understand what I write? Is what happen to me so compleately different they have no chance of comprehend it? Not that it really matters now, but………….maybe I´ll just stop talking, then the problem is solved. Noone has to be confused any more.

Silence Is Golden…………….. is it? (oh, my´I just hate questions they seem to have a life of their own)

2008-04-25

Home again

When I woke up this morning my first thought was: where am I? The dissappointment that arose when I discovered I was in my own bed was HUGE.

Realised I always wanted to travel. Ever since I was a teen and wanted to go to Australia and could not. Even the feeling of arriving to the airport was nice even if I had to sleep on a bench as the plane was leaving so early.

Wonder if I ever get to travel again? There is just one problem about travels now, it is almost impossible to avoid churches, and I have no business there. I am building that wall again, to protect myself from further abusements. To be able to live.

2008-04-19

Can´t live like this

Now I know why I always done EVERYTHING to heal myself. I can´t stand it. I can´t live like this and now there are nowhere where I can seek peace and tranquility for my sour heart and mind. How long can I make it? Long enough for my dad to die so he don´t become upset because of that?I don´t know!

.***********************


It is like I am in a vacuum. Doing things without careing. Not even the anger upsets me anymore, when stuff don´t work even if they are supposed to. The pain covers it all. It is like a thick blanket covering every inch of me. Am leaving for Venice tomorrow but don´t feel much exitement. The only thing I look forward too is the posibility to hear the ocean once again. Maybe the last time.

2008-04-17

Talking to myself

Being alone……..never been before, even I I were by myself only. But now I am.

Biking home today I realised it is probably my own fault. I mean… the situation I am in now. All my life I have tried to heal myself when I was abused in different ways. Always turned to forest and water, calm music and such for healing. I thought it helped me to survive. But now I wonder, maybe I was wrong? As it seems now it was the calm and tranquility that led to the next hit. The next blow. The next not understood dissappointment.

This time I can´t do that even if I wanted. I don´t find peace in the forest or on the water anymore. “Touch the light and you get burned”. Better to walk away, turn your back on it and go. Now the wound has to stay open. It can´t heal anymore.

Well, funnier things is coming. Going to Venice for a few days. A needed break.

Never mind!

2008-04-10

The labrat has to become a zombie

Today I biked around the lake. Stoped at the small waterfall to feel the soothing of water and air. But I can´t do that anymore. It took just a few minutes until I had to leave. That too is spoiled, now there is nothing or nowhere I can seek peace. For decades I could use the lakes and forest to comfort me. Not any more. Talk about it stealing EVERYTHING away from me. I have to become a zombie.

I wish my dad could die instead of living that pathetic life. When he is dead and everything finished …then I can go too. I wish…………………….I could sease to exist. Never to be found again. Never to be aware again! This is a living hell, when you can´t even find comfort in nature.

The labrat will starve to death, it cant´t eat because it has been electrified too many times. There is no way it can tuch the food.

2008-04-05

................

Many times the spiritual has been tooooooo hard and thrown me out. So many I can´t even count them. Making me cursing it, protesting and whatever. Every time I turned my back in agony I had those crying attacks as well as bodily symtoms like knots in stomach and blood from rectum. This time it is no different when it comes to that. Usually the symptoms stop, eventually, and the spirituality is pulling me back.

BUT, that is different now, this time there is no going back. It is not possible!
This time everything is gone, instead of becoming Everything I was thrown back to be a bag of thinking flesh. Every thing and everybody is gone. No friends is left, not even one single penpal. Questions and curiosity is gone. I can´t even think of reading another article or finishing the book I started. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I am writing this only because I don´t want to leave the blog right in the middle of nowhere. If there is anyone reading it, you should know that not every path leads to a happy ending.

Hm… Even my “normal” life is affected. Things like videos get broken or it is impossible to record. A lot of trouble. Much more then usual. Can´t help but blaming the spiritual for it. I bet it is messing up my life. Why not just kill me? At least that would be a good thing.


2008-04-02

withdrawal

Yesterday i said goodbye to chip. Can´t write to her anymore as she is a constant reminder of my problems with spirituality. And I just want to forget about it all.

It is strange, she is awakened, yet she has no clue whatsoever of what is happening to me. Where is the wisdom? One is supposed to become wise when awakened, right? Why did she not explain what was misunderstood? Never mind, it does not matter anymore.

Yet…. her only response to my email was standard klichée about “I am already that!”. Like that was supposed to help. L It seems to me that one is getting dumb when awakened instead of wise. She always told me things I already knew, never the things I needed. I needed help with what happened to me, not what dumb scriptures said. Old scripts is just misleading, not helping. They say nothing about my situation.
Now I am in a situation when I am crying constantly again. But it does not matter, I am not changing, am not going back.

I AM NOT GOING BACK, STARTING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. NEVER… NEVER!!!!!!
It does not matter how much they make me cry, I am NOT going back. Am NOT starting it all over again. I live this life as long as I have to, pretending it is needed. Then I end it. Will not live as my dad does. I will not do that.

What a mess! Just pretending! Eyes red!

2008-03-21

LuciferEffect

Welcome to LuciferEffect.org, official web site of The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil (Random House, 2007). In this book, I summarize more than 30 years of research on factors that can create a "perfect storm" which leads good people to engage in evil actions. This transformation of human character is what I call the "Lucifer Effect," named after God's favorite angel, Lucifer, who fell from grace and ultimately became Satan.

Rather than providing a religious analysis, however, I offer a psychological account of how ordinary people sometimes turn evil and commit unspeakable acts. As part of this account, The Lucifer Effect tells, for the first time, the full story behind the Stanford Prison Experiment, a now-classic study I conducted in 1971. In that study, normal college students were randomly assigned to play the role of guard or inmate for two weeks in a simulated prison, yet the guards quickly became so brutal that the experiment had to be shut down after only six days.
How and why did this transformation take place, and what does it tell us about recent events such as the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuses in Iraq? Equally important, what does it say about the "nature of human nature," and what does it suggest about effective ways to prevent such abuses in the future?

Please join me in a journey that the poet Milton might describe as making “darkness visible.” Although it is often hard to read about evil up close and personal, we must understand its causes in order to contain and transform it through wise decisions and innovative communal actions. Indeed, in my view, there is no more urgent task that faces us today.
— Philip Zimbardo Professor Emeritus Stanford University

2008-03-20

Easter

2008-03-15

Stop it

stop bothering me, I am NOT going back. Am not going to start all over again, just to be smashed or stoped again. “You” got what yoy wanted, leave me alone. I am NOT starting all over again. Tears or feeling of loss won´t do the trick this time.

2008-03-12

Days going by

still don´t understand what was misunderstood, you never told me or asked for clarification
But….. guess it does not matter anymore.


Recorded the first family video into the computer this morning. That was about time as the tape is about to be destroid. Most of the record was still ok, but some places it went blurry. Old tapes get sticky. L

This video was about my grandkids. When they was only 2 and not yet one year old in 1993-4. That was the times when things in life was important. How wonderful that was. Now nothing is, not really these tapes either, but it gets me something to do and my daughter and the kids will probably like to get a copy.

nonimportant importantnessesses, blä

now off to dads for some nonimportant meal

2008-03-09

Zombie

What does it matter to live when nothing matters? Just doing things because one is supposed to do that or because the body needs it. How pointless! Just flesh and bones walking around pretending to live.

2008-03-05

Notes

080301 -
Dreamt that Lil said she should move in two days and she had not even started packing or ordered a car. So, I had to do that.

080302 created a new Yahoo mailbox for chip

080305
Dreamed the old Scania dream. Rolf had tried to fix that terrain-map for tests that he had thought of a long time. Sadly the task had failed gravely. All hills and trees was distorted plastic stuff. So, it looked more like a garbage place.

That dream connects to what I have dreamt earlier. I felt like I become aware of the dream right in the middle of it. Like something wanted it to surface. Like when a scene fades in a movie.
My conclusion: I am that garbage forest site. So what??

2008-03-04

The pull

It has started to pull again. This repeating pattern is getting tiresome. It is the same pattern with some variations.

This time I will not go back there. I refuse to do this all over again. There is nothing to gain. There is only this body, nothing else. When I die I will just be food for worms and the lawn in the cemetery. Nothing else and that is fine with me. That is how it shall be.

2008-02-28

No respons

OK, so far I had no respons from you. As I doubt that you did not get any of the three I sent, I have to conclude that you did not understand and prefered to ignore it, instead of asking what it means. Maybe my language is too simple to understand for somebdody used to read scriptures. Or maybe you think I am lying when I say I am not in charge.

Never mind, we both know we can´t only talk about deers. I will miss you dear friend.

Aurora


additional: in the last mail you mention Microsoft and Yahoo. It is strange. You think the two of them are able or wanting to spoil our conversations. But you don´t think that the spirits in the astral world, or Rigpa, should have the power or want to do it. And yet, you do believe in them, that the astrals exists, don´t you? You have indicated that guiding is real, then why can´t interference be real too? I will not write to your emailbox again. If you want to talk about anything, you are welcome to respond to this post.

2008-02-26

To chip

OK chip, now I sent the same mail from three boxes, lets see if you get any of it. If not, respond to this so I know, please.

I think it is possible to create a blog in here where we both can post. Without anyone else seeing it.


Isn´t it strange, how one has to struggle to keep a friendship going? Why is that? What does it mean? I did hear that voice saying "let chip go". Is there a connection?

2008-02-23

Oceanliner

Had a dream this morning:

I got a job onboard an oceanliner. Then, after leaving the harbor, we went through a canal. I and another girl saw the opportunity to walk alongside the ship while in the canal. But then it was impossible to get back on to it so it sailed away. The other girl and I was terrified, what to do now, we was supposed to work on that ship. We searched for phonenumbers and other means to contact the ship, but failed. We got lost in a large city without money trying to find a way back to that ship.

Then I started to realise it was a dream and struggled to wake up. When I was halfawake I got mad. Here we go again. They stoped me from what was happening in that meditation and now thay are hunting me with dreams. And, no small train this time, a huge ship was needed.

I went back to sleep as it was still early. Had another dream. But it was not that clear:
I was with the two geologists on a short trip to africa. But there seemed to be no real agenda as it used to be. Just going here and there, planless.

So, now…. am I to be hunted for leaving the “path”? Let me remind you, spirit, whoever you are, I was not the one stopping my progress without any explanation. Get off my back and accept it. You will have to live another life. And that without my ID. “I” will be dead and gone then and you will have so start anew. And, yes, I do feel a bit, nice, revenge. And…………don’t bother my dreams anymore!

2008-02-21

Right or wrong?

Do you have to be “god” to be considered right?

I have been thinking about being ignored or considered wrong. Often treated like an unknowing teenager. Wonder why?

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am considered wrong ONLY because I didn´t write the old scriptures.

Was thinking about the converstion with grim about karma. It is wrong. I am NOT responsible for what was decided before the birth of this body. The identity of this body did not evolve until it was born. So……..I had nothing to do with that. As I see it, the spirit (a parasite to this body) tries to fulfil this undertaking of which I am unaware. Of course there is a conflict between the two. The spirit uses clues like “guiding”, dreams, visions to try to inflict certain behaviors in the ID of this body. And do so badly. It has to learn to give clues that is understandable to the ID of the body. As it is now…………I only get frustrated and angry because the spirit don´t leave me alone. And I don´t understand what it wants.

The two parts I always feels, are very real.

As for awakened people they seem to live with both ID and what they call Rigpa or Absolute. From the start they claim they reached the ultimate state. Never the less they keep evolving. Never seem to be done. The body ID still limits them. And that is very frustrating to me. I don´t want a halfway, halfdone sort of reality, when you never know where you are. To me there should be no “illusion” of ID. In my mind there should be Rigpa experience the creation, not creation experience Rigpa. If you go back and forth you are still the ID of the body. Or the remaining spirit. Don´t know. There should be no Aurora experience Rigpa, there shall be Rigpa using the ID Aurora to experience life. Aurora shall have no existence of her own. Rigpa playing that part of Aurora. There should be no Aurora to say “I” or “me”.

The title of this post is “rigth or wrong”, so I ask, am I wrong to think Rigpa should be everything? Only because I have not opened yet. Am I wrong? Or are people maybe afraid I might be right and they are not done? Why do they feel the need to confirm it in old scriptures? I see only one reason, they are not done. There are remaining ID:s that needs confirmation. Ego still wanting, feeling good about being so evolved.

When or if, it opens to me, I expect “me” to dissappear completely, leaving ONLY Rigpa, a constantly moving and changing entity. That knows it all. That IS all. Able to tap in anywhere it wants to.

2008-02-19

Obsession

Yesterday my former boss called me. He might have some work for me for a few days. And maybe even a longer one. Lately I have been doing dance-aerobics, paddling, and done a great deal of what I really had to do at home. What a change. Life seem to go back to whatever is “normal”. Is this spiritual obsession over? Can´t say I miss is so far. It really is an obsesssion, even an addiction. So hard to deal with.

The only thing with getting back to work is that my dad will not get that food he is used to. And personal care. He reacted rather good to the news so far. Anyway, it might not be anything after all. Just wait and see.

“Life” is strange though!

Chip is strange too. Sometimes she just ignore questions. Wait them out so I will forget about it. Don´t know if she don´t want to answer, or can. Or maybe she thinks my thoughts is so stupid she don´t want to hurt me. Kind of love that woman anyway, even if we never met in person.

Does not matter anymore. It is fading away.

2008-02-17

Quiet

Just realized that it has been unusually calm in my head the last week. Not entierly free from spiritual speculations but almost. Feels good for a change, I hope it stays that way now.

2008-02-14

Another nice day

Dad was happy when I arrived today. As it was a rainy day yesterday I went shopping. I bought a heater for him. He is always cold nowadays. No internal heat in him any more, but that is because he is 81 yrs. He was happy now as the heater worked fine, Dad had been warm all night long.

Dooked us some cabbage-soup for dinner. Dad liked it a lot, neither of us had eaten it for long. So it was good.

After some wacuum cleaning I left and went for a long walk in the sun. It is fun, but it seems like I always react like a fish when it is days like this. Never thought of it before but O always open my mouth, turn the face towards the sun and drink, eats the sun and the air. To really consume a lot of it. Stupid maybe but I like it.

Took some pics of course, then sat at Viren for a while before heading back home.

Hopefully there will be more sunny days. It is very much needed.

2008-02-11

A good day, after all


Started out with some problems. My dad is cold. Never seem to get warm. I have been looking for some aditional heating system but find no good one. There are a lot of heaters with glowing hot threads in them, but I don´t dare put one of those close to him. He might fall upon it and burn himself.

Well, after lunch I biked to the lake. No clouds on the sky and not much wind either. Temperature +3۫C. Perfect!Took the kayak out for a tour. Spent about 1.5h on that lake. Nice! Had some fun with layers of thin ice here and there. Played the game of ice-breaking. lol

In the evening I had a dance aerobic class to go to. The teacher had a funky coreography. It was fun. Still able to follow and to catch the movements. Surprised me a bit to be honest.
This photo brought me an award as aFeatured Photographs at OE-gallery

At least I don´t have too…

…. see things that annoys me. Like people sitting on working hours stealing time from their employers. And then think they are very spiritual.

…..watch the bitch, the one that made it through. Now it seems very convienient don´t it, she never has to feel guilty again. She destroyed a lot of good people by her hatered. Now she is all good. I never saw her appologise to anyone, only through the bad things under the carpet with her broom disguised as “love”.

Well, I did not set the rules. So maybe I am the one that is wrong. As it seems it is mostly the evil ones as well as those with drogaddict problems that makes it through the veil. And I will never use that. I have only seen one exeption to this.

The major rule of my life has always been fairness and kindness. I didn´t see any of that here.

2008-02-08

Stored in basement

Took a walk in the forest this afternoon. Cloudy, dark and wet. No snow to lighten it up.
Was thinking about what happened in the meditation this morning. I am prety tired of being stopped whenever I try to do something, but to have a rubber coat thrown over me was too much. Like it was used to putting out a fire. I felt the emotion of panic there for a while.

Now I took the Dzogchen book (typically I now have learned to spell it), the CD I recieved yesterday and the meditation equipment and I sput it in a cardboardbox in the basement storage room. It will stay there until I have recieved some information from those idiots that are running this pretending to be in charge or whatever. (“ego speaking”)

What I demand to know is:
WHAT am I supposed to do?
HOW am I supposed to do it?
WHEN am I supposed to do it?
and
FOR WHAT REASON!
What´s the point of this charade?
Is there a goal?

For gods sake, make an agreement on how to deal with this. Or I´m not playing along any more.

Rubbercoat

Got and tried the Yoga Nidra CD yesterday. Did not think it was so special as they claimed. But what is nowadays? You did get relaxed though.

Today in meditation I was trying to get somewhere. Meditated whit the aim of revealing something from Rigpa. To open up, in the third eye and the head chakra. Got some results at expanding the aura, it started to move. Dim light floating and a surge through the body. Like that. Then ….like something realised what was going on…….the damned thick sticky rubbercoat was thrown on me.

What the hell is this? Why am I not allowed to open? Are something waiting “for the right moment?” Am I supposed to save the world in a given time and not allowed to awaken before that? It is stupid. Why the hell am I supposed to wait?????????????????????????????


Nobody can blame me for thinking this is ridiculus. This “rubbercape” seem to be a never ending story. Always there to stop me.

Really, I hate this!

Compassion

In the Dzochen book I read about Compassion.

The first noble truth is “the truth of suffering”, they say.

To know your own suffering so well it expands to the entire creation. Well, as far as I know I don´t lack that. Even as a young kid I felt sorry for those that abused me.

The book says:
In short then, genuine compassion is cultivated when we have two factors within our mind. The first is a deep insight into how suffering is the nature of life in the cycle of existence in general, along with a feeling of its unbearebleness. The second is to realixe the sameness of ourselves and others: we all have the natural tendency to seek happiness and to try to avoid suffering.
and so forth……….. that insight would lead to a genuine compassion.

So, if one is born with it? Are you to be extra punished then?

I seem to have most of the qualities the book says (if I get it right), why am I not going anywhere?


Today I see it, act upon it, but do not bother as much as I used to. It did bother me to feel sorry for those who hurted me.

2008-02-06

The life of thoughts

sent a question to chip yesterday:
“There is something I´ve been wondering about for some years now. They say you shall stop the thoughts. But what about the “movements” that occur in the thoughtless mind? In the meditation this morning “I realised” that it was like summerclouds changing shape and form constantly. You know, this sudden knowledge without thinking it. Are those movements also considered “thoughts”. It is kind of nice, a soft touch to it.”

Her answer was: “Yes, they are considered very subtle thoughts. Good for you!! Treat them the same way you've been treating the more gross ones.”

So, that is thoughts too! Very nice thoug as they had no subject to talk about. J

In the meditation this morning I encountered something else. I was listening to the thoughts. I already know that all thoughts is not “mine”. So, while listening to them I thought “they have the right to live too”. Then I pushed them aside instead of “deleting” them. It was like hearing somebody talk in another room. One can listen if one likes or one can ignore them.

Once, many years ago when I was training the mind to block thoughts, I had a very fun experience. There was a thought that actually hid itself from me. Looking up behind the eyebrows as a kid behind your sholder. I think that from that day I always thought about them as “entities”. They really like to live, don´t they?

In the Dzogchen book they don´t seem to agree whether things exist or not. And what criteria it has to meet to exist. Some seem to think that whatever changes is polluted and therefore nonexisting. Only static is “real”. It is disturbing that the different schools don´t agree on certain things.

I can only go from what I have experienced. I don´t see a static, nonmoving universe as “real”. I see the flowing everchanging universe as real. And everything in it. I have experienced the emotion of frustration as a darkbrown bar floating through two people. Thick and large enough to be touchable. I have noticed love coming as a separate “package” between two people. I have noticed thoughts with “it´s own life”. I have seen the world go transparent. Tenderness with the color of green. I have passed throu invisible doors in the forest, being welcomed. I have meet a young man with a huge aura. So big I had to step aside to make room for it. A week later it was back to normal. Everything seem to be separate within the same unity. The invisible sensed. As it is all One, a part can not be polluted.


Can I say some of my experiences is polluted or unreal? No I can´t.

Think I stop there for now. Will be more later.

2008-02-05

Who´s thinking?

When I walked in the small forest today, on my way home from dads, I let my mind “free”.
It is strange because when I do that, when I don´t really “think” about something. Thoughts just pops up, more or less randomly. Sometimes I wonder, who is thinking those thoughts? Those thoughts don´t seem to be connected to me. Is it just something the mind does when it has nothing better to do?

Happens a lot nowadays.

2008-02-03

No reading but theory

Have not read anything in that book for a couple of days. My head is full of it anyway.

I´ve been thinking about awakened people. They are strange! Like this last one I read about. Once he was awakened he started, as it seems on his website anyway, to read and study a lot of religion and old sacred texts. Most of them seem to do that. Wonder why? I mean, once you are there, what fun is it to read about it then? That "leftover" part of mind really wants to know what happened, and it keeps them back. I think!

It seems to me that they are not really done. Not the way I think it should be anyway. I might be wrong but that is how I feel about it.

It seems like they all have a bit of identity/ego left in them, connecting them to the bodies. It is human with a Rigpa experience, not Rigpa with human experience.

It is said that the experience has to be strengthened in its abiding in Rigpa. It seems to be able to go back and forth. Slowly making Rigpa stronger then “ego”. It seems like even a backpain can draw one back from Rigpa. I think that is strange. Rigpa should be aware of the pain in the body but should not be affected by it. Certainly not be pulled away because of the body ache.

It seems like this awakening process is a process of a prolonged birth. Several “pushes” to bring the Rigpa forth. Then a period of adjusting the “sight and awareness” from blur to clear sight and knowing. Going back and forth until the pendulum stops and all is known.

So, to go to where my instinct tell me, it seem to be a 20 more years journey at least. Then… what the point of it when this body is 82 and ready to die. Then, there has been a huge effort to get hold of a body to look throu, just to loose it again.

Doubt that the book will be of any help. I am not like the others. I have this picture but the instructions that gives in the writings is not helping me to get there. Just some verifications is found.

2008-02-01

Boring

Was reading a thread at COT. It was a good description as far as I can see of awakening life.

BUT, then I found it totally boring. Am also thinking of the book I am reading. The Dzogchen one! Half way through it, and I get bored. Somehow I already know this. Seen it before, it is already in my head. Getting bored! Why am I not like the others, being so exited?

One answer popped up. All my life I have found it boring to watch sports. It is only fun to do it. I find it useful at times to read about other people and see movies, but not often. Once things is recognized it gets boring to read it or see it again.

I want to DO things, not live it secondhanded. I don´t like living through others lives. I don´t like watching, I like doing. So, now I know at least that. It gets boring to read about awakening as soon as it is understood. I have to live it.

2008-01-30

Rigpa idéa

There is an idéa in my head of how it would be to be Rigpa with human experience. I think you might be headed that way. It should be surreal somehow. It would be impossible to say or think “I”. The references should be for Rigpa, not human ID. The awareness should penetrate every thing. Like being a mindreader. Or just aware of things without expressing them in thoughts or doings, as in the “motherexperience” I had. Am not sure it would work at all but that is the idéa that stick in my head. Then it would not be any Aurora living, it would be Rigpa investigating “life”.

There is a lot going on in this head right now. The book stirs it.

Evolution of spirit

A thought surfaced during meditation today.

When human mind evolves towards Rigpa it must also affect the spirit realms. So, it is not only “human mind” that dissolves. It is also what we call spirit and soul. And everything related to it by the nature of karma. If there really are an agreement, of what should be achieved in one life time, then it also affect that which the agreement was made with.

I mean, if I am here to transform into Rigpa (use this word as it popped up latley) then all aspects and ties to “me” in the spirit realms will also go there. What if that part don`t like the idéa either? Thinking of all resistens I have encountered. That does not always makes sense.

Have to elaborate on this further. Has not seen it in that Dzogchen book yet. I wish chip had a messenger so we could discuss it. Mails is good, but sometimes direct communication is better.

2008-01-29

What Aurora needs to know….

….. is that when she dies she dies, without a trace left behind. Her biggest fear is to gain this everlasting eternal life that Rigpa is. It is possible that I will not awaken until she knows. “monica” that is the battlefield of all this, wants to be sure she dies. No problems with leaving the other parts behind as that is their wish.

Hm, why am I always speaking as third person? Both Aurora and Spirit separate from “me”? Then, who is “me”? Something in beteween? Is there a link “in between” from where I mostly speak?

Auch……………a new question arised!
Am I getting closer, or does it keep me away?

2008-01-28

Yesterday...


...was one of those days when everything works. Sun shining whole day. What a joy. After lunch I packed my bag with fruit, lemonade and cameras. And something to sit on. Then head for the forest for a long walk.

Even brought my Dzogchen book, as there is a good place to sit when I arrive to the lake. So, coming down to the lake I sat down. Enjoyed the sound of waves as there still is no ice. Sun rather warm on my face and light in my eyes. “Drinking” both light, sounds and warmth.

Read some pages in the book. Then took some pics on wet iceicles in backlight. A wonderful afternoon.

It still feels good, even if my dad called me last night, telling me that he had had a stomach sickness. But he is taken care of so I need not worry. That is great.

And after the “stormy weather” around x-mas, one of those crises, it is now such a good feeling that things seem to work smoothly. I can meditate, read the book without having this feeling of resistence. Talk to grim and chip and find it interesting, even a bit exciting. What a change, can only hope it stays that way for a while.

lol

2008-01-24

Drinking light

Well, not really maybe, but we had such a dark winter. This afternoon was a lovely sunlight. Went out just to be in it. Turning the face towards the sun to get as much as possible.

Picked up that book. Took it with me out in nature and sat down looking throu it. It is the first time in several years that I actually look forward to reading a spiritual book. A strange feeling. Hope it will meet my expectations.

Evolution of a Forum

1. Isn´t it remarkable how a bunch of people have evolved together. First on SDF now on COT. The topics has changed as the people has evolved. When I came to SDF, almost everyone was saying Namaste. Now it seems to be moving towards Dzogchen.
It should be really interesting to read it all again and see how it changed over time. If one hasd the time. lol

Remarkable!

..........................................
Started a topic on COT

Obstacles

This is truly a change of times for me. Up to now I was presented with one obstacle after another. I was smashed and hit. I was misunderstood. People NEVER read things the way it should be, as I ment it. Like if I said All, they thought I ment rock and flesh. When I ment “All”. Rock, flesh, thought, idéas, dreams, energy, concept, universe, radiation, spirits, even illusions.

Now it seems like all those obstacles is falling off one by one. The last one now was the concept of detachment and neti-neti. Everything I fought for, my “knowing” seems to be right after all, but somehow it has deepened in understanding. All those Neithers, netis, illusions and stuff turned out to be what I thought from the beginning. Just concepts to confuse me as I never was able to accept them as true. Things evolve as it should when you let it. I was wrong in trying to hold on to my version. It was not nessessary to fight, I just could have let it go out the other ear, and stick to what I thought was right. But that is not easy when everybody accuses you of being wrong and stupid.

Today I will pick up the book I ordered. The Dzogchen book by D Lama. Grim has encouraged me to join the Buddhist forum, but I don´t think I will. I don´t want to get caught up in any more obstacles. I will read the book and try to see throu it as I did the Tibetan one. I will try to remain free of thought. That is where I belong.

It is soooo nice to feel thoose false chips being chipped of now, to reveal ……………. what is still to ve seen. Hopefully no new ones are added.

2008-01-22

Ego

I have always had a problem defining what ego really is. People use it in a way that makes it look like it is the most evil thing and should be slayed at first sight.

This morning I thought that the ego really is what I call M. I always lived with this duality, M/spirit-soul-center. But with M as ego I can deal with this.

M was forced to do some things as a kid. Blackmailed sort of, so she could not escape because then the family would be hurt. Since then M really don´t like the idéa of anybody trying to rule her. Deciding what she should do. When M dies, then she wants to die, not to live forever. Eternal life is truly scarry to her.

Now, the other part wants to live forever. (this comes from a discussion about karma with grim last night) Spirit-All wants so badly to evolve to be Truth. And no matter what M wants, the desire of spirit is greater and overrule M. And so there is conflict. So M, that don´t know about any goal that spirit has, thinks that there is another entity that wants to rule what is M. Crazy, right? M has no problems with dying or letting go, but she has a lot of trouble with anything that wants to rule her.

How can this be solved?

Karma conversation

All those mailproblems with sending to chip made me ask grim about karma. Made it the topic of the day. lol

A: what is ur take on karma
g:how do you mean?
A: is it real
g: ok, here's the thing, karma is cause and effect
so of course within the realm of anything of cause and effect
it's real
A: so, is there a goal to fulfill in once life
g: remember that thing i explained
about Dreaming (phenomenal world) that dreams a Dreamer (mind/body) dreaming a Dream (individual experience)
karma applies to all of that
but, seeing as how being Awake is what it is
if Awake isn't spontaneously realized as it is
then, karma is a utilization to realize it
so, if you ask if there is something someone i supposed to do in one's life
that's it
A: ok
so, if this is for real, then I have made an agreement to achieve something, correct
but I have no clue of what it is
g: if you have made that agreement,
i mean, you can change your mind if you want
A: can I
g: sure, but essentially
if at the time you are "changing your mind"
if it is not deeper than the level that you made the agreement on
then your mind isn't really going to be changed
obviously
its like
if you've said, "tomorrow, i REALLY want to eat cheese"
and then during the rest of the day
you're like,
well, maybe i dont want to eat cheese
and then you're like, "well, i actually dont think i want to eat cheese, i'm going to eat crackers instead"
but if that decision, was not actually deeper than your first decision
then you're going to eat cheese
then
you're going to think you didn't have a choice
and you were driven to eat cheese
A: but in this case I did not even know I wanted cheese
g: no, somewhere along the line
you wanted it
and you asked for it
cause and effect
something isn't choosing something for you
that's not how it works
it might seem that way
but that's not what's really going on
for example
let's take the cheese analogy and deepen
what if it was a month ago or something
and you totally forget
that you said that
A: ok
g: then you're eating cheese
and ur like, "i didn't even want this, i wanted crackers"
but that wasn't really the case
it only seems like it
we kinda had this conversation a little bit last time, about how uh
you said, that you were driven towards this and you didn't have a choice
and then i said, well if you know you dont have a choice, then why be mad?
A: because if I made a choice to achieve something, then why am I not allowed to do it MY way
g:because this is the same thing
because
if the choice to achieve that thing, is greater than wanting to do it your way,
then the choice to achieve that, (whatever it entails) takes precedence
so essentially
if you want to achieve that, no matter what it entails, then that is greater than the want to do it your way
and besides
actually, you are doing it your way,
by wanting to achieve that, no matter what it entails

.
.
g: we're going back to what we said earlier
just because you can't remmeber that you asked for that thing
additionally
it should be noted
that even if you can't remember, it's still happening
soooo
ultimatly, there's nothing to complain about
its no bigs
just take stock, and move forward
A: its just that soo much time is wasted only to figure out what the hell I´m supposed to do, when I am not in charge
g: no, much of your time is wasted, because you're trying to figure out what to do how you want to do it
A: pretty much the same
g: yea, so stop that
lol

thanks grim

2008-01-20

Lost mails

I still can´t get a mail through to my friend. Somehow it is hillarious to have to send a message through several mailboxes and forums pm systems to be able to get one through. She has no problem sending them to me, but i can´t send it to her.

I give up, I find only one reason for this. The universe don´t want me to ask her any questions. And that makes me a bit annoyd. They say we are here because of karma. They also say that we, unknowingly of course, have agreed on some tasks we shall be able accomplish in this lifetime. Then why the h-l am I not allowed to do it as I see fit? Why are something always stopping me from what I want to do? Never telling me WHAT to do. Instead sometimes there are “guiding” that is so impossible to understand it is ridicilous. Such a stupid system only an idiot could have come up with it. And then they talk about “wisdom”. What a laugh!

Has been looking into some buddhist stuff lately as I´ve been talking to grim too, but I don´t know. I get so tired of this stuff.

2008-01-11

Aura cleaning

meditated
just let it flow, after some time I thought I should try to clean that aura again. Pictured it in my mind. then reached out to rub it. Then I remembered it was a sheet now so took it off and put it aside. Looked at it and then let it “go up in smoke”. Then I thought the aura should not be outside me. I should be inside. So pictured me inside it and then reached out to rub it. But instead my hands lifted in a soft gesture and moved slowly around. Energy coming from them, cleaning the aura.

Then I moved the “dark figure” inside as well and joined with it.
Meditation over.

For now I just “move with the flow”, feel like a hatchling wanting to hatch. Have to trust it knows what to do.

This was a more positive one, right?

2008-01-08

Human beeing made by stardust........

Human beeing made by stardust

your home is the Universe

Welcome to my page about spiritual groth. It is my hope to create something new. I believe that it is possible to reach spiritual hights without the religious frame. I will try to explain how I think. It is not finished in any way so this page will change continously as new ideas rise into my head. I think that it is possible to understand life, universe, the Overself , the mind and the consciousness just by learning and trying to understand what I learned. In some philosofical writings and religion they refer to the material world and everything as beeing an Illusion. I have a problem with that idéa. As I think it just depends on what instruments you are using and to the rate of scale you are looking at things. There can´t be Illusions. Everything is real. I don´t disagrée whith the idéa that what you experience is an mental image in your mind. It has to be that way with the present system. But even if it is just a mental image that you are aware of does not mean that it is not real. I can´t see that there is a contradiction between the two. Just a point of knowledge. But science, by nature, is progress. What you can´t explain today you will be able to do tomorrow. So, if I can´t prove my idéas today I probobly will in the future. At least I hope to.
Anyhow, you can´t avoid religion completly as it is also of a cultural nature, it also have developed systems and technics that is useful even without that frame.


Wrote this 000225 to have on the frontpage of the spiritual website I created then. It was on the web, but never was published. It is amazing to see. I could have written it today. At least most of it. It shows how little has happened during those 8 years. Maybe now I really will stop writing, I jsut repeat myself. Hard to stop the brainactivity thou. Thought I would try to be ....
....until something positive is happening. If it ever will. Don´t know if it is possible to break what seems to be a destructive habit. When active spirituality always turn my soul upside down. Screaming!

The problem with ego death

It is said that ego dies when awakening occurs. Yet a part of ego remains to handle the body that still is alive. As long as the body lives, Rigpa is tied to it, limited. Not free. Somehow!

One of my issues is “eternal life”. In no way do I wish to live forever. When I die, I want to be dead and stay dead. Have said this a number of times but don´t remember if it is on the blog. It probably is, I keep repeating myself.

Anyway, if awakening means to exist forever……….that is VERY disturbing to me. All parts of me! It really is disgusting. And, so far, nobody has convinced me otherwise. They seem inable to.

There is another thing. I seem to never think of “myself” as “ME”. For now there seems to be three id:s. It and It and “ “. Translated, it is probably ego, spirit and Rigpa. O´my how will this end? What part dies? What lives? Does any of it dissappear? Can I trust that “Aurora” will forever be forgotten without any leftovers to suffer for eternity?? And if Aurora is gone, will anything be remembered in the spirit? When does the spirit-part die? Is there any end what so ever?

I DON`T WANT ETERNAL LIFE, why can´t it just end?

2008-01-06

All I wanted……

…was some peace at heart.

Looked up some old stuff I had on the internet 8 years ago. I had a homepage and posted some diary about the troublesome times due to yoga-school. I had it hidden, could not decide if I wanted people to read it. But it made me start looking for answers on the internet.

I started yoga/meditation school because I was so tired due to work and men trouble. Everywhere there was articles about the benefits of yoga and meditation. Should make you calm, strong and happy. I had done some earlier in life with rather good result so I was not suspicious. But I should have been. If I had known then……..I would never started that yoga class.

At that time I knew nothing about religion, the Dark Night, awakening, enlightenment, the Abolute or Rigpa. All I wanted was some piece at heart. And that was the only thing I never got. I was thrown into a journey I did not know anything about. Had no clue of what it was about. Did not know what happened or what it ment. Searching everywhere for answers but rearely found any. Still don´t know really what it is. Why all this throuble has occurred for something I don´t even know if I want. Trying to fit all those things together. Energy, healing, astral, visions, dreams, minds, love, illusion to name a few.

And all those “hits”. In the blogentry I mentioned the snaps in my brain. There are two kinds, one that snap in the back of the brain. Did not happen the past two years I think. The other always comes when I relax before I go to sleep. It is like the brain squezzes for a second. Accompanied with a sound I can´t describe.

It is strange. 9 years ago I knew nothing about this. A lot happened during those years, but the basic understanding I had at that time is still the same today. And now………..all this for nothing. I did not even get that peace. On the contrary, everything has been taken from me. Ripped away. I am naked with a blindfold that is wet of tears.

2008-01-04

Wisdom, what is it?

Isn´t it said that the awakened people should be wise. At least the ancient ones supposed to be that. But what does it mean?

I have met some people online that is awakened. But I don´t find any wisdom there. If they has become ALL. The Absolute or Rigpa or God, wouldn´t they have become “bigger” then a human mentally? They still seem as limitied to me. Instead I find they seem to have forgotten what it is to be human. I thought a wise person should have the ability to give me useful clues to work with. But they seem as lost as I am. I don´t know, maybe I will change my mind about this one day, but for now I don´t know what that “wisdom” is.

2008-01-03

Obstacles

Dear,
in a way this is a kind of “farewell” letter. The events this past month has now convinced me that it is of no use to discuss this topic, or to try to get trou the vail. The resistence is to great.

So many things that happened it is impossible that it is coincidents. I know you and others say that Rigpa/Absolute has no whises or anything, yet there is something controlling what happens to me. This time it is clear that even you have been tampered with. You know me so well and yet wrote as you did. In the last email you changed the illusion part to “You are trying to grasp Rigpa intellectualy.” Something like that. Completly forgotten all I have said about the second id, visions, obe:s, the spot in the heart, energy. That half of me is already there. Either you never believed me or you were blinded so you did not see. It´s my heart that tries to understand, intellect is a varifying factor. This time even the internet was manipulated. Missing mails, adresses that failed. Everything worked against it. You complained about me being angry, rightfully, but I was never heard until I screamed, was angry or had the crying attacks. But that does not matter anymore.

There are so many obstacles I don´t know how to ever get passed it. The more I try the harder the obstacles. “The tall man seem to tighten that rob that it covered up my cleaned aura with”. (from that meditation/vision) I am not wanted. If it is not Rigpa that does it, it is something on the astrals. Something does not want me there, but does not leave me either. Last night I had to take one of those pills to be able to sleep. That is not a good sign.

Now, I decided not to discuss this matter any more. It is of no use. Neither will I read anything more. Maybe that is what was indicated when I heard that “let her go”. As the blog came back I might write something now and then. To get things out of my system. But nothing else. I´ll have to find other things to do, to get back “to life”.