All I wanted……

…was some peace at heart.

Looked up some old stuff I had on the internet 8 years ago. I had a homepage and posted some diary about the troublesome times due to yoga-school. I had it hidden, could not decide if I wanted people to read it. But it made me start looking for answers on the internet.

I started yoga/meditation school because I was so tired due to work and men trouble. Everywhere there was articles about the benefits of yoga and meditation. Should make you calm, strong and happy. I had done some earlier in life with rather good result so I was not suspicious. But I should have been. If I had known then……..I would never started that yoga class.

At that time I knew nothing about religion, the Dark Night, awakening, enlightenment, the Abolute or Rigpa. All I wanted was some piece at heart. And that was the only thing I never got. I was thrown into a journey I did not know anything about. Had no clue of what it was about. Did not know what happened or what it ment. Searching everywhere for answers but rearely found any. Still don´t know really what it is. Why all this throuble has occurred for something I don´t even know if I want. Trying to fit all those things together. Energy, healing, astral, visions, dreams, minds, love, illusion to name a few.

And all those “hits”. In the blogentry I mentioned the snaps in my brain. There are two kinds, one that snap in the back of the brain. Did not happen the past two years I think. The other always comes when I relax before I go to sleep. It is like the brain squezzes for a second. Accompanied with a sound I can´t describe.

It is strange. 9 years ago I knew nothing about this. A lot happened during those years, but the basic understanding I had at that time is still the same today. And now………..all this for nothing. I did not even get that peace. On the contrary, everything has been taken from me. Ripped away. I am naked with a blindfold that is wet of tears.

Why do I want this?

Today I was asked why I wanted this. My friend read the blog and came up with this important question. Here is my answer to her.

But I don´t have to ask that question, why I want it! I know that. Thought you knew it too. It is not me, the human woman that wants it. It is my spirit half or some other force that pushes onward. I told you about this duality before I think. Aurora has no real interest in getting awakened. She has no reason to stay “alive” either. But that half is so tired of being involved in this struggle that somehow does not really concern her. And only wants it to be over and done with. And in that situation be told that one shall be determind and this and that, is to be accused for no reason. This past 11 months when I kept a low profile I had no dreams, no visions, no hits. It´s been calm. “Aurora” has been quite happy. But it seems like it will not stay put anymore.

I don´t know who is pushing to be honest, if it is soul, spirit or further up. It can´t be the watcher as that part is just watching. I did have those glimpses and dreams that indicates influences from “above”. But I don´t have the knowledge about who/what is the pusher. It is just “my companion”. We share this body.

Talking about these things is hard sometimes as explanations is different due to which part is speaking. Sometimes when we discuss I feel so clearly that both sides wants to give an explanation and then I got lost and can´t get it together. That is when I go mute. I simply don´t know what to write. Sometimes I wish I just had that ego and nothing else, what ever that famous ego is. This duality is tricky.

I don´t mind he is writing about the hardship. It is good. What I don´t like is that attitude that people HAS to go for it. And should feel guilty if not committed enough. In my case I can´t. I think they underestimate the force that moves people, they think it should be done purposely. I mean, the timeperiods I feel as I was in charge of it has been so short it is not really visible at all. I had/has no saying in this whatsoever.

Perception

Sometimes Grim brings up “perception”. Here a snippet of a conversation:
grim: what is the choosing to eat the things you do?
grim: fun eh?
grim: what is the choosing to take the pictures you do?
Aurora: what does that have to do with the subject
grim: is that part of the Universe?
grim: ?
chip: Is it part of the perception?
grim: all i asked was WHAT is the choosing to take the pictures you do?
grim: is it, part of the Universe
grim: you said yes
grim: then, to go back to what i said
grim: The Universe also includes your apparent wanting
later:
chip: anyway...you understand what grim was saying?
Aurora: ya I know, I am just disturbed that I seem to be kept in the damned body all the time
chip: the body is necessary for enlightenment
Aurora: I feel like they hang stones on my feet and throw me in water, I can´t fly
chip: then swim
chip: There is something telling you you can't...
chip: you need to find what it is so you you can tell it you can!
Later:
Aurora: yesterday I realised why I don´t really want to work, or rather I did put it into words. I don´t like the collision between body and spirit. Demands of the body disturbes it.
chip: you seek solitude a good deal that is evident

And then they want me to go over the same stuff again. It is just that I don´t see “myself” as the body. The body is just a tool. Even if the tool mostly covers and hides its inhabitant. The inhabitant, the real me, is always there, listening, seeing, sugesting, needing, waiting. I always had this division. That what is the real “me” is that what is not visible, but more real then the body and it´s senses. I see the body and the senses only as tools to gather information which the “real me” needs somehow. Why the body “wants” things is mostly biology. Other things like “why I am taking pics” is more a way of “wasting time” with something that, at least, feels like a bit good to do. It is not a spiritual “want” or even a human “want”, just something to do while waiting for the bomb to go off. If it does not, well, then I did not waste this life completely, as I did something that was quite nice and some others liked it too.

Yes, the body and it´s senses is also a part of the Universe which I worked hard to make others understand, you can´t separate them. But for now, the body feels irrelevant, I need it to let spirit come first and take command.

It is weird because right now both parts of me is trying to communicate this. Don´t know if it comes thru to anything understandable.

When it comes to the Sutra I was reading, as also some of what grim tries to work with me, I find it is a lot of things already dealt with, and a lot of things that is not needed. Why spend weeks dealing with something that is not relevant? That does not belong to what is “me”. The sutra talked so much philosophy that, that, is what I remember most. What was important became hidden.