Black window vision

I was in the bathtub after been to aerobics. Suddenly there was a black window in front of me. I leaned forward and put my head into it to see. It was like peeking in to some other world maybe. What I sensed was a presence, A VAST LONLINESS AND EMPTINESS. Like the universe itself without the stars. The universe is alone as I understood it. I withdraw my head and it was over.

Is this where we are heading? If so, why would we like to do that? There were no warmth about it as I expected it to be and it had nothing to do with "love" in any form. It was not even NOTHINGNESS.This lasted for maybe 30 seconds.

Waiting Father

Dreamt again. Nowadays I dream a lot. Never did that before. This time it made me thoughtful.

Here it is:
“It was late evening/night and dark. I was at some meeting and my father was supposed to drive me home. He is old and fragile nowadays. But he had to drive me. I told him to wait on a sofa, there were something I had to do before leaving. I concentrated of doing whatever I had to do and forgot about the waiting father. When I was almost finished I suddenly remembered and hurried for the sofa. He was still waiting. He said that he could not go home before I could go with him. HE HAD TO BRING ME HOME. “

Rotten stump

I am frustrated. More then I have been for a long time. What bother me most is that I am so completely out of control. I can do nothing. I cant meditate, I can´t stop the process. I can´t slow it down and I can´t speed it up and get it over and done with. I can do nothing. I feel so helpless.

I don´t feel alone because I have always been “alone” and are used to that. But I am getting empty. Last friday, midsummer eve, I took a walk in the forest. It was a rainy day and I was supposed to have dinner with my sister later on. As soon as I got into the forest my hands get heated up. But this time energy was drawn away from me. At first I did not care. Thought of your letter and accepted it. But then I it was getting to much and there was nothing coming in to replace it. To make the story short I have to say that for the first time I took to violence. I saw a rotten stump and I kicked it into a milion pieces. Then I took my umbrella and hit it as hard as I could to a trunk. The umbrella was broken and I started to cry hysterically. I ended up with a headache. I hated them. I wanted to build the walls again. It was terrible.

I pulled myself together and got home. Put some good music on and made the dinner.

Out of the Maze

Dear S,
Something happened today that I just have to tell you about.

I had just started my workout to strengthen my back and neck. Then I had a vision. It lasted only for a brief moment. But I think it is very important. If this showed the thruth than I am so relieved.

“I found myself sitting on my heels. The world around me was just shades of white. There were nothing to see as it was empty. The ground became sky without any noticeable line or horizon. A naked tree stood to the right beside a path leading nowhere. I stood up and turned around. Behind my back I saw a wall or a house. It had no openings and no structures on it. I immediately knew what it was. It was the maze that had hold me prisonor for so many years. I turn around again and looked around hesitating about what to do. There seemed to be no reason to leave the place as there was no place to go. No path to take. So I just sat down again waiting for something to happen. “

I think I have told you about the maze. How I have had the feeling of being in one. Always trying to find a way out of it. And everytime I thought I succeded I found a new wall in front of me. Imprisoned again. And now, for the fist time ever. I was outside the maze. Is it not wonderful?? So maybe you were right, looks like something happens to me after all.

Last summer when I was so trubbled I was angry and feeling like an obstinat teenager. I said to myself, I will never do anything again to try to get out of this maze or to be enlightened. I will sit in a corner, doing nothing, till I rotten. And in a way, that’s what I have been doing ever since then. AND NOW I AM OUT.

I wonder what will happen next. Who will take my hand and show me around in this new world??

I have a question for you. Do you ever sense my feelings when you open my mails? I do sometimes get feelings when I read peoples letters. Especially the first time I read the letter I can sometimes sense strong feelings.

Well, tonight I feel good. I hope you do to.
Yours A