I am..and suffering

A man visited my nature blogs. On the profiles description it says “I am”. Nothing more.

Instantly my heart jumps. Hoping, wanting…. To get answers. Is he “I am” …. Or is it a wishfull thinking? A lot of people says they are, just to feel important. They think they are better then they are. Or hoping that “fake it till you make it” is relevent to this area as well. I was visited by it once, but it does not make me think I am that.

Lately I have been thinking about teachíng and forgiveness.

A teacher or parent ALWAYS explain what the teaching is about. So one is not disturbed by “punishment”.

If what they have put me through is “teaching” why have I not received an explanation to whot the teaching is about? I have a hard time forgiving things I have no clue of. I have to understand to forgive.

I can forgive an evil man if I understand his brain is not working as it should. But I can´t forgive the pain they gave me, without understanding why it was given. Because questions is always there. Did they give it because I made something wrong? If that was the case, what did I do? Did they give it for the fun of it? (That is what I think as I see no other reason.)

I have learned that some people have to wait for “the right time”. Some visions I had indicate that, was I moving to fast? Why the hell don´t they make me understand. What I hate so much is when somebody says “you don´t understand” without even trying to make them understand.

How can I forgive something that is supposed to be good, when it only gives me pain and suffering?

I thought it was over with that whipdream. But now I see it isn´t. I have a hard time with life as spiritual things is all over the place. People visiting my blogs often see the spiritual quality of nature in my photos. It is somewhat awkward as I try not to. And you can´t open a newspaper without see, first war then what people hope will end it, spirituality and religion. And they will all be dissappointed.
 There is no end to suffering.

All those years got me nothing. :(
in 2003,  I AM

The light equals darkness

Somehow it is sad you can´t record your thoughts. In the bathtub I had a nice chain of thoughts, Now I will have a difficult time recalling them.

It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.

Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.


Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.

Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.

I AM ......... observing!

I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M

One final thing

There seem to be one final thing to write down.

Is the Universe static or changing?

It comes back to this question, does it not?

I have always known/believed in changes and evolution. That is what we see everywhere all around us. There is no place where it is not. We are here because the Universe evolves. We are here because the NEED in changing and evolving. There are no way we can talk us out ot that.

In science, so far, they have theories about strings. The “string-soup” might not change, but the individual strings constantly moving. There is nothing that says the “soup” is not evolving. Actually, it has to, or we would not be here.

Now, for the past years, people and writings have constantly tried to make me believe. First in a heaven where one should live eternally. Sounds disgusting to me. Then when I learned about Enlightenment and Awareness they tried to make me believe in “nothingness” and an eternal Awareness without change.

IMO there can be no Awareness without Evolution. PERIOD!

The confusion have caused me a lot of pain and suffering. Every person so convinced of their own beliefs and I knew nothing. Tried to figure out what was right. Then, when even those who claimed to be awakened, starts all over again I finally stoped. LIFE is a constant evolution. On every possible level!

So, my final conclusion, that still is what has been there all along, is an Awareness that evolves. The reason for the Awakened to not see that, would be that they are, still, in human bodies, and those bodies can not notice changes that occurs as slow as I think it does at the basic level.

We are all connected as we are part of the Universal Awareness and as we change, so does the Whole. How can it be otherwise?

Also, about suffering and hardships! If that is what is needed to make us grow and evolve. What would possible be the reason for that? If we shall suffer and evolve only to go back to that unchanging thing we came from? Certainly does not make sence. If The Awareness, All, does not change, then there is no need for us to evolve either, so hardship, or anything else for that matter, is not needed.

To answer the question, we are here due to an evolving Universe.


I AM …….. the Beginning

I AM ….….. the End

I ..A M ………………..

That is what it whispered.

I AM

...I AM….the beginning

...I AM… the end

...I ..A M


I was at the lake and the sunset invited me to meditation. I felt the warmth to my face and chest. The light shone bright through the eyelids shifting slightly due to the water. Then the words came to my mind, hesitating at first as having trouble coming through. Then after a few moments my mind had to prove its cleverness and the precious moment was over.

I think I am finely introduced.

Just wanted to share.