Rigpa idéa

There is an idéa in my head of how it would be to be Rigpa with human experience. I think you might be headed that way. It should be surreal somehow. It would be impossible to say or think “I”. The references should be for Rigpa, not human ID. The awareness should penetrate every thing. Like being a mindreader. Or just aware of things without expressing them in thoughts or doings, as in the “motherexperience” I had. Am not sure it would work at all but that is the idéa that stick in my head. Then it would not be any Aurora living, it would be Rigpa investigating “life”.

There is a lot going on in this head right now. The book stirs it.

Evolution of spirit

A thought surfaced during meditation today.

When human mind evolves towards Rigpa it must also affect the spirit realms. So, it is not only “human mind” that dissolves. It is also what we call spirit and soul. And everything related to it by the nature of karma. If there really are an agreement, of what should be achieved in one life time, then it also affect that which the agreement was made with.

I mean, if I am here to transform into Rigpa (use this word as it popped up latley) then all aspects and ties to “me” in the spirit realms will also go there. What if that part don`t like the idéa either? Thinking of all resistens I have encountered. That does not always makes sense.

Have to elaborate on this further. Has not seen it in that Dzogchen book yet. I wish chip had a messenger so we could discuss it. Mails is good, but sometimes direct communication is better.

What Aurora needs to know….

….. is that when she dies she dies, without a trace left behind. Her biggest fear is to gain this everlasting eternal life that Rigpa is. It is possible that I will not awaken until she knows. “monica” that is the battlefield of all this, wants to be sure she dies. No problems with leaving the other parts behind as that is their wish.

Hm, why am I always speaking as third person? Both Aurora and Spirit separate from “me”? Then, who is “me”? Something in beteween? Is there a link “in between” from where I mostly speak?

Auch……………a new question arised!
Am I getting closer, or does it keep me away?

Yesterday...

...was one of those days when everything works. Sun shining whole day. What a joy. After lunch I packed my bag with fruit, lemonade and cameras. And something to sit on. Then head for the forest for a long walk.

Even brought my Dzogchen book, as there is a good place to sit when I arrive to the lake. So, coming down to the lake I sat down. Enjoyed the sound of waves as there still is no ice. Sun rather warm on my face and light in my eyes. “Drinking” both light, sounds and warmth.

Read some pages in the book. Then took some pics on wet iceicles in backlight. A wonderful afternoon.

It still feels good, even if my dad called me last night, telling me that he had had a stomach sickness. But he is taken care of so I need not worry. That is great.

And after the “stormy weather” around x-mas, one of those crises, it is now such a good feeling that things seem to work smoothly. I can meditate, read the book without having this feeling of resistence. Talk to grim and chip and find it interesting, even a bit exciting. What a change, can only hope it stays that way for a while.

lol

Drinking light

Well, not really maybe, but we had such a dark winter. This afternoon was a lovely sunlight. Went out just to be in it. Turning the face towards the sun to get as much as possible.

Picked up that book. Took it with me out in nature and sat down looking throu it. It is the first time in several years that I actually look forward to reading a spiritual book. A strange feeling. Hope it will meet my expectations.

Evolution of a Forum

1. Isn´t it remarkable how a bunch of people have evolved together. First on SDF now on COT. The topics has changed as the people has evolved. When I came to SDF, almost everyone was saying Namaste. Now it seems to be moving towards Dzogchen.
It should be really interesting to read it all again and see how it changed over time. If one hasd the time. lol

Remarkable!

..........................................

Started a topic on COT

Obstacles

This is truly a change of times for me. Up to now I was presented with one obstacle after another. I was smashed and hit. I was misunderstood. People NEVER read things the way it should be, as I ment it. Like if I said All, they thought I ment rock and flesh. When I ment “All”. Rock, flesh, thought, idéas, dreams, energy, concept, universe, radiation, spirits, even illusions.

Now it seems like all those obstacles is falling off one by one. The last one now was the concept of detachment and neti-neti. Everything I fought for, my “knowing” seems to be right after all, but somehow it has deepened in understanding. All those Neithers, netis, illusions and stuff turned out to be what I thought from the beginning. Just concepts to confuse me as I never was able to accept them as true. Things evolve as it should when you let it. I was wrong in trying to hold on to my version. It was not nessessary to fight, I just could have let it go out the other ear, and stick to what I thought was right. But that is not easy when everybody accuses you of being wrong and stupid.

Today I will pick up the book I ordered. The Dzogchen book by D Lama. Grim has encouraged me to join the Buddhist forum, but I don´t think I will. I don´t want to get caught up in any more obstacles. I will read the book and try to see throu it as I did the Tibetan one. I will try to remain free of thought. That is where I belong.

It is soooo nice to feel thoose false chips being chipped of now, to reveal ……………. what is still to ve seen. Hopefully no new ones are added.

Ego

I have always had a problem defining what ego really is. People use it in a way that makes it look like it is the most evil thing and should be slayed at first sight.

This morning I thought that the ego really is what I call M. I always lived with this duality, M/spirit-soul-center. But with M as ego I can deal with this.

M was forced to do some things as a kid. Blackmailed sort of, so she could not escape because then the family would be hurt. Since then M really don´t like the idéa of anybody trying to rule her. Deciding what she should do. When M dies, then she wants to die, not to live forever. Eternal life is truly scarry to her.

Now, the other part wants to live forever. (this comes from a discussion about karma with grim last night) Spirit-All wants so badly to evolve to be Truth. And no matter what M wants, the desire of spirit is greater and overrule M. And so there is conflict. So M, that don´t know about any goal that spirit has, thinks that there is another entity that wants to rule what is M. Crazy, right? M has no problems with dying or letting go, but she has a lot of trouble with anything that wants to rule her.

How can this be solved?

Karma conversation

All those mailproblems with sending to chip made me ask grim about karma. Made it the topic of the day. lol

A: what is ur take on karma
g:how do you mean?
A: is it real
g: ok, here's the thing, karma is cause and effect
so of course within the realm of anything of cause and effect
it's real
A: so, is there a goal to fulfill in once life
g: remember that thing i explained
about Dreaming (phenomenal world) that dreams a Dreamer (mind/body) dreaming a Dream (individual experience)
karma applies to all of that
but, seeing as how being Awake is what it is
if Awake isn't spontaneously realized as it is
then, karma is a utilization to realize it
so, if you ask if there is something someone i supposed to do in one's life
that's it
A: ok
so, if this is for real, then I have made an agreement to achieve something, correct
but I have no clue of what it is
g: if you have made that agreement,
i mean, you can change your mind if you want
A: can I
g: sure, but essentially
if at the time you are "changing your mind"
if it is not deeper than the level that you made the agreement on
then your mind isn't really going to be changed
obviously
its like
if you've said, "tomorrow, i REALLY want to eat cheese"
and then during the rest of the day
you're like,
well, maybe i dont want to eat cheese
and then you're like, "well, i actually dont think i want to eat cheese, i'm going to eat crackers instead"
but if that decision, was not actually deeper than your first decision
then you're going to eat cheese
then
you're going to think you didn't have a choice
and you were driven to eat cheese
A: but in this case I did not even know I wanted cheese
g: no, somewhere along the line
you wanted it
and you asked for it
cause and effect
something isn't choosing something for you
that's not how it works
it might seem that way
but that's not what's really going on
for example
let's take the cheese analogy and deepen
what if it was a month ago or something
and you totally forget
that you said that
A: ok
g: then you're eating cheese
and ur like, "i didn't even want this, i wanted crackers"
but that wasn't really the case
it only seems like it
we kinda had this conversation a little bit last time, about how uh
you said, that you were driven towards this and you didn't have a choice
and then i said, well if you know you dont have a choice, then why be mad?
A: because if I made a choice to achieve something, then why am I not allowed to do it MY way
g:because this is the same thing
because
if the choice to achieve that thing, is greater than wanting to do it your way,
then the choice to achieve that, (whatever it entails) takes precedence
so essentially
if you want to achieve that, no matter what it entails, then that is greater than the want to do it your way
and besides
actually, you are doing it your way,
by wanting to achieve that, no matter what it entails

.
.
g: we're going back to what we said earlier
just because you can't remmeber that you asked for that thing
additionally
it should be noted
that even if you can't remember, it's still happening
soooo
ultimatly, there's nothing to complain about
its no bigs
just take stock, and move forward
A: its just that soo much time is wasted only to figure out what the hell I´m supposed to do, when I am not in charge
g: no, much of your time is wasted, because you're trying to figure out what to do how you want to do it
A: pretty much the same
g: yea, so stop that
lol

thanks grim

Lost mails

I still can´t get a mail through to my friend. Somehow it is hillarious to have to send a message through several mailboxes and forums pm systems to be able to get one through. She has no problem sending them to me, but i can´t send it to her.

I give up, I find only one reason for this. The universe don´t want me to ask her any questions. And that makes me a bit annoyd. They say we are here because of karma. They also say that we, unknowingly of course, have agreed on some tasks we shall be able accomplish in this lifetime. Then why the h-l am I not allowed to do it as I see fit? Why are something always stopping me from what I want to do? Never telling me WHAT to do. Instead sometimes there are “guiding” that is so impossible to understand it is ridicilous. Such a stupid system only an idiot could have come up with it. And then they talk about “wisdom”. What a laugh!

Has been looking into some buddhist stuff lately as I´ve been talking to grim too, but I don´t know. I get so tired of this stuff.

Aura cleaning

meditated
just let it flow, after some time I thought I should try to clean that aura again. Pictured it in my mind. then reached out to rub it. Then I remembered it was a sheet now so took it off and put it aside. Looked at it and then let it “go up in smoke”. Then I thought the aura should not be outside me. I should be inside. So pictured me inside it and then reached out to rub it. But instead my hands lifted in a soft gesture and moved slowly around. Energy coming from them, cleaning the aura.

Then I moved the “dark figure” inside as well and joined with it.
Meditation over.

For now I just “move with the flow”, feel like a hatchling wanting to hatch. Have to trust it knows what to do.

This was a more positive one, right?

Human beeing made by stardust........

Human beeing made by stardust

your home is the Universe

Welcome to my page about spiritual groth. It is my hope to create something new. I believe that it is possible to reach spiritual hights without the religious frame. I will try to explain how I think. It is not finished in any way so this page will change continously as new ideas rise into my head. I think that it is possible to understand life, universe, the Overself , the mind and the consciousness just by learning and trying to understand what I learned. In some philosofical writings and religion they refer to the material world and everything as beeing an Illusion. I have a problem with that idéa. As I think it just depends on what instruments you are using and to the rate of scale you are looking at things. There can´t be Illusions. Everything is real. I don´t disagrée whith the idéa that what you experience is an mental image in your mind. It has to be that way with the present system. But even if it is just a mental image that you are aware of does not mean that it is not real. I can´t see that there is a contradiction between the two. Just a point of knowledge. But science, by nature, is progress. What you can´t explain today you will be able to do tomorrow. So, if I can´t prove my idéas today I probobly will in the future. At least I hope to.
Anyhow, you can´t avoid religion completly as it is also of a cultural nature, it also have developed systems and technics that is useful even without that frame.

Wrote this 000225 to have on the frontpage of the spiritual website I created then. It was on the web, but never was published. It is amazing to see. I could have written it today. At least most of it. It shows how little has happened during those 8 years. Maybe now I really will stop writing, I jsut repeat myself. Hard to stop the brainactivity thou. Thought I would try to be ....

....until something positive is happening. If it ever will. Don´t know if it is possible to break what seems to be a destructive habit. When active spirituality always turn my soul upside down. Screaming!

The problem with ego death

It is said that ego dies when awakening occurs. Yet a part of ego remains to handle the body that still is alive. As long as the body lives, Rigpa is tied to it, limited. Not free. Somehow!

One of my issues is “eternal life”. In no way do I wish to live forever. When I die, I want to be dead and stay dead. Have said this a number of times but don´t remember if it is on the blog. It probably is, I keep repeating myself.

Anyway, if awakening means to exist forever……….that is VERY disturbing to me. All parts of me! It really is disgusting. And, so far, nobody has convinced me otherwise. They seem inable to.

There is another thing. I seem to never think of “myself” as “ME”. For now there seems to be three id:s. It and It and “ “. Translated, it is probably ego, spirit and Rigpa. O´my how will this end? What part dies? What lives? Does any of it dissappear? Can I trust that “Aurora” will forever be forgotten without any leftovers to suffer for eternity?? And if Aurora is gone, will anything be remembered in the spirit? When does the spirit-part die? Is there any end what so ever?

I DON`T WANT ETERNAL LIFE, why can´t it just end?

All I wanted……

…was some peace at heart.

Looked up some old stuff I had on the internet 8 years ago. I had a homepage and posted some diary about the troublesome times due to yoga-school. I had it hidden, could not decide if I wanted people to read it. But it made me start looking for answers on the internet.

I started yoga/meditation school because I was so tired due to work and men trouble. Everywhere there was articles about the benefits of yoga and meditation. Should make you calm, strong and happy. I had done some earlier in life with rather good result so I was not suspicious. But I should have been. If I had known then……..I would never started that yoga class.

At that time I knew nothing about religion, the Dark Night, awakening, enlightenment, the Abolute or Rigpa. All I wanted was some piece at heart. And that was the only thing I never got. I was thrown into a journey I did not know anything about. Had no clue of what it was about. Did not know what happened or what it ment. Searching everywhere for answers but rearely found any. Still don´t know really what it is. Why all this throuble has occurred for something I don´t even know if I want. Trying to fit all those things together. Energy, healing, astral, visions, dreams, minds, love, illusion to name a few.

And all those “hits”. In the blogentry I mentioned the snaps in my brain. There are two kinds, one that snap in the back of the brain. Did not happen the past two years I think. The other always comes when I relax before I go to sleep. It is like the brain squezzes for a second. Accompanied with a sound I can´t describe.

It is strange. 9 years ago I knew nothing about this. A lot happened during those years, but the basic understanding I had at that time is still the same today. And now………..all this for nothing. I did not even get that peace. On the contrary, everything has been taken from me. Ripped away. I am naked with a blindfold that is wet of tears.

Wisdom, what is it?

Isn´t it said that the awakened people should be wise. At least the ancient ones supposed to be that. But what does it mean?

I have met some people online that is awakened. But I don´t find any wisdom there. If they has become ALL. The Absolute or Rigpa or God, wouldn´t they have become “bigger” then a human mentally? They still seem as limitied to me. Instead I find they seem to have forgotten what it is to be human. I thought a wise person should have the ability to give me useful clues to work with. But they seem as lost as I am. I don´t know, maybe I will change my mind about this one day, but for now I don´t know what that “wisdom” is.

Obstacles

Dear,
in a way this is a kind of “farewell” letter. The events this past month has now convinced me that it is of no use to discuss this topic, or to try to get trou the vail. The resistence is to great.

So many things that happened it is impossible that it is coincidents. I know you and others say that Rigpa/Absolute has no whises or anything, yet there is something controlling what happens to me. This time it is clear that even you have been tampered with. You know me so well and yet wrote as you did. In the last email you changed the illusion part to “You are trying to grasp Rigpa intellectualy.” Something like that. Completly forgotten all I have said about the second id, visions, obe:s, the spot in the heart, energy. That half of me is already there. Either you never believed me or you were blinded so you did not see. It´s my heart that tries to understand, intellect is a varifying factor. This time even the internet was manipulated. Missing mails, adresses that failed. Everything worked against it. You complained about me being angry, rightfully, but I was never heard until I screamed, was angry or had the crying attacks. But that does not matter anymore.

There are so many obstacles I don´t know how to ever get passed it. The more I try the harder the obstacles. “The tall man seem to tighten that rob that it covered up my cleaned aura with”. (from that meditation/vision) I am not wanted. If it is not Rigpa that does it, it is something on the astrals. Something does not want me there, but does not leave me either. Last night I had to take one of those pills to be able to sleep. That is not a good sign.

Now, I decided not to discuss this matter any more. It is of no use. Neither will I read anything more. Maybe that is what was indicated when I heard that “let her go”. As the blog came back I might write something now and then. To get things out of my system. But nothing else. I´ll have to find other things to do, to get back “to life”.

No more discussion

It seems impossible for me to make me understood. No matter how I try it gets wrong. Had a conversation about illusion and failed gravely. I will never understand what it is. It does seem to have a strange meaning that I can´t grasp. Never been good at hidden meanings. Hate them!

I´ll stop discussing spiritual stuff from now on. Might post some now and then, if the reader understand does not matter. It´s just a way to get things off my chest.

Quantum car

quote:
If I had a tiny car made of quantum particles. And a parkinglot in my heart region. Then I could drive out of my body, throw the walls of my house. After a while I pass the city of Gothenburg. Drive over to pass the Brittish islands and dive into the ocean. After some time I drive up in New York and further on to The Great Lakes, finally I park my tiny car in a parkinlot in Your heart. During all that travelling the quantum driver never ever saw a border. It was not aware of people, trees, walls or ocean water. Those things was there, but not known. On Quantum level it is not.

Dec 15th I sent the above to my friend. Now I have to change it a bit.
The little driver/car that is the same, does have awareness. More so, it don´t have to drive all that way unless it wants to. Instantly it can pop up anywhere it wants. Then it can rise through all levels and be aware of the surroundings. Knowing if it is a human, car or tree or anything else it rises throu. Then it sinks back to it´s quantum “restingplace”. Then it goes someplace else in that place that isn´t a place.

Wonder if I have to change it again! lol Probably!