The Double

Rose in Meditation chapter13, still there, it’s a long chapter.

quote from the e-book:
"The principle of duality has been discussed several times thus far in a large, philosophical
sense. The form of self-study described here also allows one to recognize the experience of dualism in one’s own psychological processing of life—as versus direct experience with-out the reactive interpretation and projection—and to reconcile it. A good metaphor for the start of duality or mental division in our early life experience is that of a cassette tape that jams as the flow of tape gets stuck at some point on the rolling wheel, and then doubles up from that point on. One must follow the tape back to its initial point of stuckness and free it. Once the flow continues, there is only oneness of experience and no trace of there ever having been anything else (i.e. sin, suffering, separation, knowledge of good and evil). This reconciliation of one’s psychic splitting off, whether it resulted from a specific trauma which could not be fully processed and assimilated at the time it occurred or simply due to
the birth of the ego (within the individual mind, which is itself a more diffuse form of ego) in childhood, as previously explained, will be seen to directly relate to the ascendance of the observer up Jacob’s Ladder.
Meditation can then be described as having two simultaneous phases or dimensions to it: first, to define oneself properly as an individual human being by correcting the errors contaminating the ego-mind, and second, to back away from that self—and into the Observer. "


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This might have something to do with my “duality”. Have to look into that. Was it created during the period when I “run away” from granpa? It was a difficult time, when people did not realise what was going on and then wanted me to act in certain ways. My grandma was in trouble because he was angry as I revolted. My parents was also desturbed by what happened. And I could not tell.

I remember I hold “myself” tight to save “me”. Maybe that double was created then. Somehow I created a "cave" where "I" would be safe. I broke free physically, but not mentally. Seems like I now have to “put myself together, before I dismiss it”.

Why do I want this?

Today I was asked why I wanted this. My friend read the blog and came up with this important question. Here is my answer to her.

But I don´t have to ask that question, why I want it! I know that. Thought you knew it too. It is not me, the human woman that wants it. It is my spirit half or some other force that pushes onward. I told you about this duality before I think. Aurora has no real interest in getting awakened. She has no reason to stay “alive” either. But that half is so tired of being involved in this struggle that somehow does not really concern her. And only wants it to be over and done with. And in that situation be told that one shall be determind and this and that, is to be accused for no reason. This past 11 months when I kept a low profile I had no dreams, no visions, no hits. It´s been calm. “Aurora” has been quite happy. But it seems like it will not stay put anymore.

I don´t know who is pushing to be honest, if it is soul, spirit or further up. It can´t be the watcher as that part is just watching. I did have those glimpses and dreams that indicates influences from “above”. But I don´t have the knowledge about who/what is the pusher. It is just “my companion”. We share this body.

Talking about these things is hard sometimes as explanations is different due to which part is speaking. Sometimes when we discuss I feel so clearly that both sides wants to give an explanation and then I got lost and can´t get it together. That is when I go mute. I simply don´t know what to write. Sometimes I wish I just had that ego and nothing else, what ever that famous ego is. This duality is tricky.

I don´t mind he is writing about the hardship. It is good. What I don´t like is that attitude that people HAS to go for it. And should feel guilty if not committed enough. In my case I can´t. I think they underestimate the force that moves people, they think it should be done purposely. I mean, the timeperiods I feel as I was in charge of it has been so short it is not really visible at all. I had/has no saying in this whatsoever.