dream again death

I was traveling with a group this time. One person did at the hotel. It was Ingemar, my old antagonist. After a day or two when we were supposed to leave, another person died. Roine, this time, a college from the past.

I stayed in a room and had a roommate. The room mate was out when the news came. I went out and spotted the body.

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Was thinking of all dreams with obstacles for me. People in the dreams never let me reach the goal. Later all dreams about failing to reach the transport. Except for one dream. I was on the train but the dream stopped before it reached the target.
Where does this leave me? I still hate all of it.

The problem with ego death

It is said that ego dies when awakening occurs. Yet a part of ego remains to handle the body that still is alive. As long as the body lives, Rigpa is tied to it, limited. Not free. Somehow!

One of my issues is “eternal life”. In no way do I wish to live forever. When I die, I want to be dead and stay dead. Have said this a number of times but don´t remember if it is on the blog. It probably is, I keep repeating myself.

Anyway, if awakening means to exist forever……….that is VERY disturbing to me. All parts of me! It really is disgusting. And, so far, nobody has convinced me otherwise. They seem inable to.

There is another thing. I seem to never think of “myself” as “ME”. For now there seems to be three id:s. It and It and “ “. Translated, it is probably ego, spirit and Rigpa. O´my how will this end? What part dies? What lives? Does any of it dissappear? Can I trust that “Aurora” will forever be forgotten without any leftovers to suffer for eternity?? And if Aurora is gone, will anything be remembered in the spirit? When does the spirit-part die? Is there any end what so ever?

I DON`T WANT ETERNAL LIFE, why can´t it just end?

Fear of death

Still reading that paper about R Rose. The first chapters made me angry, now in chapter 9 I am so bored. First, the man writing the paper is comparing Rose with every other teacher he can find. It is like Roses teachings cant “stand on its own two legs”. If this teaching is truly pure, it need no comparisons to prove it is real. People who reads it or listen to it would know from inside if it is a true one.

Now they are talking about the body again. How many pages does it take to explain we normally think we are the body ? And, do people really believe that? So far there has been no talking about what I see as relevant. Do you define yourself as the body or as the mind? In this book it seems they like the body. I don´t think people define themselves as a body that much. This only feels like blablabla…to me. Can´t they stop talking and get down to business?

And the eternal question of DEATH. Is all this just a question of mind fearing death? I start to think so. Everywhere in this search it comes to eternal life and cheating death. What is The Absolute, the final Truth? Just a way of escaping “true death”? Mind/ego fooling itself to believe in eternal existence?

Oh my…………..why are they so damned afraid of death?

Living forever

There is another thing I forgot in earlier posts.

Every teaching talks abut fear of death and longing for eternal existence. It is like all work is driven by the fear of death. And yet, the final goal of it is “nonexistense” and merging into awareness. So, this is one of those contradictions.

Never mind, back to me. I am not afraid of dying a physical AND mental death. I don´t want to exist forever. That seems disgusting to me. So, that is another reason why those teachings don´t appeal to me. Why should I work so hard to get something I don´t want? And feel guilty about it? But that is the human part of me speaking. As I am still on this path I guess the spiritual part thinks otherwise. The spiritual part is already eternal I guess, so that is no surprise.

But IMO there might even be different stages beyond the human experience. So, where and when does one die? The scientist in me likes to know that, wants to know how things work.

So science makes me interested. Spiritual teachings makes me mad. And this unknown partner of mine, pushes me onwards.

Hm, the human and the spirit, they are also One because sometimes they Work as one.

Duality in One.