Suffering

The way i see it, the only reason for suffering is ………progress.
Without suffering and dispair there would be stagnation. And life don´t like that.

So, problem is: awakened people say there is “nothing” and “nothing happens” ….ever!….how is that possible? If that is true, there would be no suffering and no dispair. And nobody to feel any of it.
PERIOD!

Here we go again.

Started again this morning. Had to take some pills again. It is soon time to get a new prescription if this continous the pesent pattern.

It is like having a bad boyfriend. Somebody that don´t love you but has to show its power over you. Stalking you! Never leave you. Promises good things but the only thing you get is pain and suffering.

I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my brain malfunctioning. But I don´t think so because this never happens around people. Only when I am alone. And when I visited a doc he did not think I was mad.
When will it end, when will I go into oblivion? Whish my dad could pass so I am free to do the same. Forest, lakes, butterflies and wild strawberries or family does not help anymore. Deathwish is strong. Probably the only way to cheat it, to escape.

Again

This morning it started again. Those convulsive feelings that cames before the crying attacks. Took some calming pills to prevent it to proceed.

I hate this, I can´t even enjoy life because of it. It´s always below the surface. Wanting, demanding. Waiting for a chance to act. …when my guard is low………just to hit me again! L

How I hate it! The only thing I want is to die, not leaving any trace behind, never live on other planes. “Higher” they call them. What a joke, I don´t WANT to live forever in some shitten eternity. I don´t care how it is. Is it too much to ask……..just to dissappear……never to be aware again.

I HATE THIS!
And………again…………it´s raining tears……..does not matter, am not starting all over again. Will take more pills.

Abusive bitch!

If, as they say, nothing matters and nothing exists, THEN no agony should be needed. The damned universe should not hold everybody in pain. It is not needed.

The sh-n universe is an abusive bitch. And it still don´t get it, I don´t want to become what it seems to be. It is still sneeking around to try to lure me to start all over again. Just to smash my head once again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I am not doing it. Get the h-l out of my system!

The past days I´ve been watching news again. Have avoided it for a couple of years. Really, awakened people thinks it is all ok, no good, no bad. All is fine! What a joke. If it does not matter, why all evil?

Something is very wrong about this stuff.

The “Ride” again

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

The “Ride” again

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

Rid yourself………….

……………of men and “Gods” and suddenly …. life is almost worth living.

………..same old

Have been trying to read books again. Usual books about people. Not spiritual ones. It does not interest me anymore. People does not bother me anymore. Chip said it is a beautiful world. I wonder what kind of eyes she ses with? To me it is just “same old, same old” everything I see and hear and read………. been there before. Feelings, idéas, adventure……….been there, old stuff. Why do I recognise everything? And nobody recognises me.

It starts pulling again, for what purpose? There is nothing for me to read and nobody for me to talk to. Vacuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm