She´s wining and gives me headache. I´m angry!
I think that instead of close the duality gap I started to eject her. I am tired of this whining and bad job. I am tired of being manipulated. I was fine with the idéa of true death. In fact I wanted to die. But all this crap going on, I hate it.
Now it seems like I try to get rid of the spirit. She can go elsewhere and whine and try to do what the h-l she is trying to do in such a bad way.
I had an idéa long ago that spirit was no more then a parasite to the human body, using it for it´s own purpose. The human can live without it. So, maybe that is what I do now, kick her but and ask her to leave.
I realised I do all this work with photo and a lot of other things in order to give the spirit thought lesser room. Now I go about new friends to talk to. Will give her even lesser space if I get it my way.
Sometimes I wonder what´s wrong with how “I” am. Why can´t “I” have those happy expectations of a neverending Eden? Why do “I” differ from everyone else? When I read something on Cot or elsewhere I always think, no…no..and no! It´s wrong. It´s not that way.
suuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, leave me alone, please! Get out of my head!
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
2007-08-19
2007-08-13
Another one
This time I was biking to the job. My college, the third person and I was working on three different jobs. We all did parts on all three jobs. When I was about to leave for home I asked my boss: you send the payment? He just frowned. So I understood there is no payment. Then I frowned too, thought :so what? Then left.
I think there was two dreams as I woke up and then went back to sleep. Don´t remember the second one, just think there was one.
So, now, still no message of WHAT to do. Earlier when I had “working dreams” it was about working on the wrong system where I could not save my work. Think I had a least 10 of them. This time, one part, is the third unknown person. And the uncertainty of getting payd somehow. In the first dream the third person was leading the work somehow, now it is working beside. Taking part of the work.
Still have no message of what to do?? I´m not starting anything again unless I am shown in what direction I shall go. Spirit! Do a better job! We are part of the same, you know I hate riddles. If you can produce riddles, you´re also able to produce something I can use.
If something has to be done, be specific or I will not work. I´ve taken contol of dreams once before when I got mad enough. I can do it again and destroy the dreams.
I think there was two dreams as I woke up and then went back to sleep. Don´t remember the second one, just think there was one.
So, now, still no message of WHAT to do. Earlier when I had “working dreams” it was about working on the wrong system where I could not save my work. Think I had a least 10 of them. This time, one part, is the third unknown person. And the uncertainty of getting payd somehow. In the first dream the third person was leading the work somehow, now it is working beside. Taking part of the work.
Still have no message of what to do?? I´m not starting anything again unless I am shown in what direction I shall go. Spirit! Do a better job! We are part of the same, you know I hate riddles. If you can produce riddles, you´re also able to produce something I can use.
If something has to be done, be specific or I will not work. I´ve taken contol of dreams once before when I got mad enough. I can do it again and destroy the dreams.
2007-05-17
Crying is back
It´s been a calm 11 months and I have been as close to happiness as I think I can be. But now the crying is back. Not a hit so far, but crying. Think that grims and chips new search together with the Rose´s paper initiated it.
I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?
All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.
NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)
If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.
The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.
I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.
I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?
All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.
NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)
If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.
The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.
I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.
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