there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.
071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.
Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.
After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.
I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE , I need to know. What does it DO to your life?
Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L
Please , tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.
Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.
Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
2007-12-20
2007-11-20
crying attacks again
there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.
071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.
Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.
After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.
I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?
Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L
Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.
Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.
Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.
071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.
Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.
After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.
I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?
Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L
Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.
Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.
Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.
2007-06-01
Tears or laughter
today I don´t know weather to laugh of cry.
It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.
One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.
Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.
Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.
I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?
And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.
Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???
It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.
One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.
Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.
Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.
I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?
And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.
Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???
2007-05-17
Crying is back
It´s been a calm 11 months and I have been as close to happiness as I think I can be. But now the crying is back. Not a hit so far, but crying. Think that grims and chips new search together with the Rose´s paper initiated it.
I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?
All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.
NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)
If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.
The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.
I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.
I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?
All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.
NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)
If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.
The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.
I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.
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