Tears or laughter

today I don´t know weather to laugh of cry.

It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.

One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.

Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.

Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.

I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?

And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.

Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???