Mismatch between body and soul

120606 Mismatch

What I hate so much is the mismatch between the body and the mind.

Why the hell is the body nervous when mind is not. The body is acting on it´s own with no cooperation to what the mind does of feels.

It is disturbing and sooo annoying. “I” am not nervous, but the body goes high-wired. For no reason whatsoever. Today it is only my family coming but my body seems to think it is very dangerous.  

No wonder why people has problems. Believing there is something wrong with them mentally. When it is the body that does not match any more. And going to a schrink to fix ancient body functions. Well, that does not work. 

I was reading about the brain yesterday. Illustrerad Vetenskap 9/2012. An article about intelligence. How can a tiny thing like a neuron determin what information is to be passed along?
Thinking of that arcicle the neuron has to be a mind of it´s own to be able to know what info my being needs. Is every neron maybe connected "to a higher plane of existence" to use a popular expression from SF and spiritual worlds. 

I am always coming back to the two parts that is supposed to be "me". And I still  gets more and more confused. Those two should not co-exist in the same system.

Our minds needs a better host if we are to be here at all. 


They say we are here for the spirit soul to evolve. Better itself. What a stupid idéa. 


Star on COT

110407 Hi  Gates

 I wouldn´t be so impressed about her being in the “Dark Night of the Soul”. To my knowledge it was self inflicted and she dragged a lot of others in there with her.

 She pretended to be that all loving person that, despite all suffering, loved everyone else. But her lesson to me and others was hate.

 She flooded the Forum with her poems too and sent it by mail to everybody without asking if you wanted it, and expected everyone to be grateful for it. The only person she loved was herself.

 For a period of time she had multiple users to the forum so she should not be blamed for what she was doing. Harrasing people, spewing poison around her. I know she was far down in the drugs, but you shouldn´t hurt others because of that. It was her own doing. But she let others suffer for it. But she was discovered after a while.

 But she was determined, and, probably, got there. I give her credit for that. And she was/is a good writer.

 But to see that she was the one that made it throuh, that hurts. While other beautiful people didn´t. People that left the Forum bleeding. Turning away from spirituality. I hope she is happy where she is so it was worth it. But with that knowledge I will never go there. It proves that spiritual growth has nothing to do with being kind and gentle. Everything you learned it should be. You can be as evil as hell and still get there if you are determined enough. She walked, literally, over corpses to get there.

 The longing in the heart never leaves, it is probably a function of being a human, but I will never act on it again. Just feel like I should write this down as you wrote me once on the blog.

 But she is still a good writer, this might be for real. Can a person change that much? And what about all those she wounded?



Heart chakra

Things has been a bit disturbing lately. The knot in my chest has grown. Twice lately, well the last month or so. I have visited COT.  Chip seems to be there occasionally and Star like always, still allknowing. Even Mike is back there.

 But that was not the reason for my writing. Yesterday I looekd up the chackras to see what was tehre. Found some info on wiki actually.

It is the heartchakra that bothers me. Wiki is good because it is info and not any religious blaha junk. The heartchakra is green and according to this site it is, of course, about feelings. They way “the wounded child” lives here.

That actually clearified something for me. What I always thought was the soul hiding in there is nothing else then the wounded me. So, now I can relax. I am not stopping any soul from evolving, giving me a bad conciounce. I just hide the wounded part of me.

 Great!  ;(



I found some of your letters yesterday night. For some reason it triggered me to see if you were still around. So I started to look for you and for that old Forum I used to attend.
Found both and were amazed!
Both were as if I left yesterday. Nothing had changed. And it´s been 3 years.
You were pretty mad at me because I asked too much about what happened to me. And you could not answer. But instead of admitting that you did not know you got mad at me. You thought you were an all knowing entity in the universe, or the universe itself, and I thought you were arrogant and with a lot of pride. You could not understand my frustration and pain. You could not understand what I ment when I said it was spirituality that smashed my brain. Over and over again. As real as a blow to the head. And as painful as if you hit me with an iron club with all your strength.

Well, I see you are still the same. Still proud of being able to dismiss the pain of the body. Still trapped on body level but don´t even recognize it. You are as trapped as I am. “They” smash your body, “they” smash my brain. The difference is, I know it. I have not done any work the past 3 years. Not since I throw the buddist book in the lake. I´m still pretty pissed of with it. Life is better without it.

As for the forum, they are still there. All of them. Still chatting on the same level. Made me want to puke.
For 3 years debating the same thing that can´t be debated as it is all theories. And it is impossible to know the "truth".

I think I´ll clean up the mailbox now.
Hope all your surgeries are over now.


Yet another weird dream.

This morning I had another most disturbing dream. With a bit different setting. This time I forgot my backpack in a car after talking to a scoolmate of my daughter. A long dream that continued even when I tried to wake up. As my backpack was in the womans car and I did not know where it was, I was out of everything and could not go home. I had no phone, no key no money. It was a long dream and I can´t write it all down.

After a while I started to be confused, found everything weird and tried to get out of the dream. I almost had to knock myself over to be able to open my eyes.

I am sick and tired of this. For all those years when I was looking for the spiritual change they refused to let me find the “key”. I was refused to try out the things I wanted to explore. They did not trust me to be able to do what I was supposed to. They sent lightnings to my brain telling me “ don´t do this”. They split my brain in two when I meditated. I can´t even count how many times they smashed my head making me cry for weeks. For what shitten purpose? Did they really think I would be grateful being abused? Did they really think It would make me a holy woman? It is now at least 4 years they have been at me telling me I lost it. I never reach the goal. I have no key, I don’t make it to the train, boat or whatever. Always failing. But they did not want me to create the key. They did stop me every time I tried to find the answers. To go home. Now they complain I´m not going.

If they really want me to continue the “search” for “home” they should give me something else, not that shitty dreams accusing me of not reaching the goals. I certainly don´t trust them. They have not earned my trust. If they don´t learn, why shall I? I am not going back to be smashed in my brain all over again. I just want to be left alone. Getting rid of men and spirits made life worth living. Why should I change that?



I´m mad. You are trying to spoil my life again. I won´t allow it.

1 First the situation with the birder went out of hand. I take too much photos and drink to little coffé and don´t gossip at all. To bad, how is that psosible?

2 Then, my landlord called me that I was not allowed to feed birds on the balcony. And they only get jordnötter.

3 Today a woman gestured to me that I can´t take photos of the birds in her garden.

THAT is to much of a coincidence. So many things in a short period of time to make me stop birding. I also had dreams indicating that I should continue the spiritual path.

NO WAY I am doing that! I never go back to those who try to force me to obidience. Bitches I don´t like. And they call themselves spiritual. Trying to fool you it is about happiness and serenity. It is all about playing masters. Kings to be worshipped.

And I don´t worship! Why should I? We are made of the same stuff.

After all those years they still don´t know what I am about. I don´t tolerate to be forsced. Why don´t they learn? Or are abuse the only means for them to make people obey and fool them it is about happiness. Crap, I am not giving in as I know it is a lie.

I have a hard time accepting that people are mean to each other. It was quite obvious when I worked at the school. A first grade class. I know it was due to hormons, but I suffered when I noticed all stupid meanness going on around me. It makes me suffer. The only way to avoid it is to avoid people, spirituality and the world. I do like the three monkeys, close my eyes, ears and mouth. And I certainly don´t need a spiritual world that believs only in punishment and evil, instead of kindness and reason.


101014 quiet

It´s been quiet for a long time now. Only had a few dreams.

The first was only about holding hands with somebody. It gave a nice and comforting feeling.
But when awakened again, I refused to let this good feeling lure me into something.

Next dream was about running from something. But I think that oen came from me. I was no scary tuch to it.

I am happy it cools down. It still stirrs sometimes, but I have no plans of going back there. There is no place for me.

As I still think it is much about balance anyway, I am searching for a “status quo”. I am not going into happiness or bliss, it will only make another unhappy. Nobody shall be unhappy on my part. And I don´t want to be unhappy either so none of that, it is. I live by my own with nothing but my photography. Another 25ears?? What a waste and how boring!


Lost a truck

This morning I had a dream again. I dreamt I was driving a large truck. And was in a company with another. It neared coffe break so both trucks had to find a place to park them. I park my truck and looked for that coffe bar. Found it and went in. The other driver was almost finished when I arrived so he went for his truck. Finishing mine I went out and realized I could not find my car. And the other was gone. Thoughts flicked thru my mind. Call the other driver…I had no phone. I did not even have a destination to find as I did not know where we were heading. I was supposed to follow the other. So..the only thing to do was wait.

Hm, seams familiar. This is sooo tiresome. Why does it not leave me alone? Maybe one should have some spiritual GPS to guide you. Because spirit guides are not very helfull. Or rather, not helping at all. They lead you astray. But I don´t give a shit anymore.

CRAP! I never go back to look for lost trucks. If I don´t get the means, I´ll never do the job. I can´t and I will not. It´s that easy, don´t they know that? They are stupid.


The show goes on

It is strange, still, how persistent the spiritual surge is. It is now 2.5 years since I threw the book into the lake. Or is it 3.5? I don´t even remember. But it is still nagging on me. Never really letting go. It is like a desease, a drog addiction. Destroying my life. Still taking everything way. Human life is of no interest any more. I only do what I have to as liong as I am still here. Paying bills, eating and such. Spending most of the time with photography and birds or stupid games. Just killing time. Waiting for life to kill me. The last year three people on my floor has died. I envy each one of them. And yet..I can´t say I am unhappy these days. It is just sooooooo meaningless.

I can´t understand why spirituality is so persistent, that too is meaningless. They say we have to evolve to become great and holy spirits. What for??? When the universe goes to it´s big crunch, dying, spirituality has no concequence. It is as meaningless as everything else. And I mean EVERYTHING else. NOTHING matters! In the end nothing is left and we have nothing gained for all the struggle and suffering.

I had some strange dreams, but this time I am not sure it was about spirituality. The last one was about a storm and huge waves. It seemed to kill off everybody but me and one child that did stay close to me. It was really tsunami waves.

During my dinner I read about the bird flue in a Birding Magazine. And also about what has to be done about nature variety and bird health. And stuff like that.

I asked myself, maybe I should start to work for the health of nature and of birds. But then, nay….., what difference does it make? In the end it does not matter. And for me, I just spend my days as good as possible in waiting for death. Hopefully the same as oblivion. Nothingness! None awareness. Never again aware.

And in the meantime, I keep taking pics, blogging, hugging grandchildren and my daughter. All of it just a big meaningless game. The show goes on and on.


Dream coming true?

But in ”real” life. Might happen. I know this is paranoia and persecution mania, so what? That is what happened to me.

Next weekend I am supposed to travel to Camargue. And now the planes might not go because of the ash-cloud from Iceland.

So many dreams I had when I was unable to catch the train/ship or whatever. Or sometimes getting on the transport but never reached the destination. Dreams where I took command and refused to participate. Annoyed of being stoped at what I wanted to do and then accused of missing the transport. Shit, I am still angry. If they can tell me what not to do, they can also tell me what to do. Now I do nothing. Reversing “progress”.

If this is supposed to be “teaching” …..it sucks. No teacher shall be allowed to harm a student. That creates hate and paranoia, as it did to me.

I will never cross the boundry and get to the destination in this life, not even if I will be able to get to Camargue. I don´t trust it.


Leaving the community

Well, don´t know. But the annoiance of people grows.

I was out with the birders yesterday evening. And it seems now that I don´t need them any more. I have learned what I can from them, and having nothing more to speak of, I think I will stop going there. The only thing we have in common is the birds. They talk about family and politics. Nothing of interest to me.

And likewise about my sister. She calls and talks and talks about things I can´t care less about.

Sometimes I wish I could live in a cave lightyears away from people and their daily business. A camera and a computer would be nice but nothing else. Then I could keep posting on the photoblogs and that would be enough of social business for me.

Why do I have to put up with all stupidities? Nothing matters anyway. The photography and birds is just a way to waste time. But is better then only roll your thumb.

There has been some disturbings about spiritual stuff also lately. I happened to put some nature music on. Earlier it was soothing. Now it is disturbing. I get a bad feeling about it. It is not the music that has changed, it is me. The same thing happens with nature and forest. I have to watch myself to avoid getting into those old feelings of “cuddling” that I used o seek from the forest. They make me feel disturbed now, because I know that giving in to them, would make me voulnerable to the spiritual abuse again. And I don´t intend to letting that happen again.

One problem is that a lot of movies is about religious things and as soon as somebody gets into problems with faith in God I start feeling like vomiting. And I cut the movie off.

Geee, this shit is crippling me!


Time to throw all religions out of the window

Took a walk in the wet snowfall today. Don´t think about spiritual stull much nowadays. But occasionally it comes back.

Was thinking about happiness and wars. I am quite good nowadays. Feel great and content. Mostly anyway. And it shows in my sleep patterns.

I have abandened all men and spiritual stuff in my life. So, if I am good about that maybe he world would benefit from doing the same. Most wars nowadays are because of religions. If one want a world liberated of wars religions must be taken away.

The things uniting people today are music, trade, scinece and Internet. Those four things will eventually make the world a better place.

-Music…. All around the world music is streamlining. Cultural music is still there but is fading out.

-Trade…. Most everything we buy comes from all parts of the world. To be able to buy them we have to have peace.

-Science helps people understand a lot of things. There is no magic, only things we don´t yet know. But one day will.

-Internet…. Makes people understand each other. In my other blogs I have people from all over the world visiting me. The Bird blog is now visited by 40 countries and the photoblog has now visiters from 64 countries. That is amazing. My interests unite so many people.

Religion or spiritual stuff can´t do that. They are celfcentered and thinks only about itselfs. And that creates conflict. There is no generosity about it. They claim to give you peace of mind but that is not true.

I have spoken to several “enlighened” persons by forums and mails, and they are for he most part completely unable to help in spiritual matters. Despite they calim to be able to.

You are the only one that can give yourself peace of mind.


Locked up in the middle……

………….with nowhere to go!

Strange thought coming to mind.

There are men trying to catch my eyes. Events trying to get me to join the “life of the living”. And it only makes me feel uncomfortable. I can´t go back to believe all little things that happens is important. To believe I could make a difference some where. Experience tells me it is not so. Experience tells me nothing matters.

Sometimes the body longs for a touch. But I have never been a person for companionships. I am a looner. Ask my daughter about it. If I let someone come near……it would only be problems I really don´t want to deal with.
On the other side there are still the longing for spiritual evolusion. And final change. But there is no hope left. Too many times I have been stoped. Been hit and made suffering. I see only the bad part about it now. I could never see the peace some others talk about or wonders of the universe. It´s locked up deep inside somewhere.

So, stuck in the middle with nowhere to go. Not left, not right, not forward or backward. Inward?? As empty as everything else. I don´t belong anywhere.

Science reveals the wonders of the universe piece by little piece. Spirituality refuses to share.


I am..and suffering

A man visited my nature blogs. On the profiles description it says “I am”. Nothing more.

Instantly my heart jumps. Hoping, wanting…. To get answers. Is he “I am” …. Or is it a wishfull thinking? A lot of people says they are, just to feel important. They think they are better then they are. Or hoping that “fake it till you make it” is relevent to this area as well. I was visited by it once, but it does not make me think I am that.

Lately I have been thinking about teachíng and forgiveness.

A teacher or parent ALWAYS explain what the teaching is about. So one is not disturbed by “punishment”.

If what they have put me through is “teaching” why have I not received an explanation to whot the teaching is about? I have a hard time forgiving things I have no clue of. I have to understand to forgive.

I can forgive an evil man if I understand his brain is not working as it should. But I can´t forgive the pain they gave me, without understanding why it was given. Because questions is always there. Did they give it because I made something wrong? If that was the case, what did I do? Did they give it for the fun of it? (That is what I think as I see no other reason.)

I have learned that some people have to wait for “the right time”. Some visions I had indicate that, was I moving to fast? Why the hell don´t they make me understand. What I hate so much is when somebody says “you don´t understand” without even trying to make them understand.

How can I forgive something that is supposed to be good, when it only gives me pain and suffering?

I thought it was over with that whipdream. But now I see it isn´t. I have a hard time with life as spiritual things is all over the place. People visiting my blogs often see the spiritual quality of nature in my photos. It is somewhat awkward as I try not to. And you can´t open a newspaper without see, first war then what people hope will end it, spirituality and religion. And they will all be dissappointed.
 There is no end to suffering.

All those years got me nothing. :(
in 2003,  I AM



I hate being in a body I can´t control. Being ruled by body functions and hormons.

Having to eat and drink. Go to the loo. Spending soo much time to maintain the function of 65 kilo of flesh and blood that you can´t control. What a prison.

Now I am in a situation that again causes me a lot of trouble because the body reacts as a body reacts. Without asking ME what I want. The body works on it´s own, dragging me with it. They talk about Mind over matter, but it is Matter over mind. There is noway you can cheat biological reactions.

I will be forced to stop attending the birder meetings. To, again, be on my own.

This man makes my body jump. I have known him for almost a year and a half. But not met him so many times. A year ago I noticed, occaisonally, how he started to send feelings. And….that is disturbing. Especially as I did not know if he is single.

I am 64 and it is still the same. This guy looks at me and tries to get attention in different ways. At the same time there is a woman clinging to is sholder. (She is new to the club, but obviously the kind of woman that does not like to live alone.) How the hell am I supposed to react??? Can somebody tell me? I don´t know if they are together. When I look at her….they are. Looking at him……they are not. But in 18 months we came no longer then an unused telephonenumber. Despite he obviosuly like me and I told him I would appreciate accompany him on birding trips.

I have to stop attending those meetings because he is stirring up so many emotions. And I can´t handle it. Running away again? Sure! I don´t know how to play this game anyway. As I don´t know how to play the spiritual game.

Body, mind and spirit……… it is all shit. Pointless games for no purpose.
And....why does not feelings grow old? Like the body? They don´t match each other any more.


The whip

Dreaming again. This time it was an unusual dream. Not straight as it used to be. I only remember the end.

In the end of the dream the male appeard. This time he shifted somehow between good and evil. Like it was unsure of its status. That is somehow good, because too good and too evil is wrong, as it is the same thing really. I was watching while it flickered back and forth. Failing to choose one side. Unable to scare me or tempt me.

Then I realised I had a whip in my right hand. I raised it and swung it at the male. I was not used to it. I hit his left arm and it fell of. And now I controlled the dream. I lifted my arm again. And smashed his right arm. Again, my arm, in pain, but I hit his head from the side and it fell off. Now I thought “he is dead”, but then I realized I had to hit his heart. In all tales you have to hit the heart for them to be destroyed and stay dead. I lifted my arm again. High! And now I have got the hang of it. I smashed the wip with all my strength, hit the body from right shoulder, through the heart and to the left hip. When I saw the bodypart sliding down, I thought “now you will never bother me again”. I stood with hanging arms and I dropped the whip to the ground, turned around and left.


The dream makes me mad

That dream, in the last entry, just makes me angry. There “he” comes, dressed like everybody else, but still without a face. Making me believe he is somebody else until he said that about the head. He should know it, he is the cause of it, the shrinking. He denied me everything and gave me nothing but sorrow, suffering and hate.

They don´t even trust what they themselvs created. I still don´t understand it. It is said we are created to conquer a certain task to improve ourselfs. But they don´t trust us to do it. They have to interfere every now and then to make certain it goes as planned. Others may think the guiding is something to be proud of. But it pisses me off. If notning else, it is so lousy performed. Giving riddles nobody understand. Some people spend years to try to figure out stupidities. And still can´t be sure of the meaning. And why the h-l all that hitting me? For what reason? Did he think it would make me a better person? A saint maybe? No, being hit for no reason only creates hatered. Every parent know that.

Next time I have a similar dream and recognize it, I will take controll, and then hit his faceless face….hard! I have taken control over dreams before, I can do it again. Next time I WILL hit him! He shall not fool me again. And….I hope to shrink to zero so he can´t find me again.


cows and head

I was dreaming a long dream this morning.

I think I have dreamt a similar dream sometime long ago. It was all so familiar.

I was at my old working place. A 10 story building. With only offices in it. I was told I had to take care of some cows that was beeing forced to the upper floor of the building. It was ten of them. But I never saw them. They had to go there for some reason.

I started to tell the boss what I needed for the cows. Like food, waterbuckets, things for tidying them. A wheel barrow among other things. Where to put the droppings. Lot of things. I can´t write it all down. I walked around to make plans, even outside in the forest.

After that I was following a man to look for a piece I designed for the trucks I worked with earlier.
And it was manufactured now. It did look good.

When everything was set I and the man was on our way down to the entrence of the building. He put his arm around my shoulder and made me lean towards him. Then he looked at me and said: “it is good to see you again, but I think your head has shrinked”. And I could feel it too, as there was much room for my head on the shoulder. And that was quite OK.

After that most planing was done. And the dream ended.


another thing gone

Yesterday I took away the painting I recived as a gift from chip. A very dear present at the time. Now I can no longer watch it. As everything else the sight of it hurts. Now there are only one more thing to remove. The old mailbox, or two of them. They were opened during the time when I still had spiritual hope. And the names chosen from that spirit as well as used in its name.

I am now loking for more suitable mailboxes without bad memories. When the mailboxes are replaced there are only thos blog left. It will remain as a warning to people not to trust the good of spirituality. There is nothing good about it.



Was biking and walking with the bike among the wetlands today. Sun shining and nature burning in autumn colors.

The old, familiar feeling came over me. The oneness with nature. How I expand into the universe. Being aware of the thin layer between me and the all of nature. Why was it so impossible to break it?

Why was I not allowed to break it? Now it is too late.