After X-mas

Coming back from celebrations I find myself strange. Now there is no stress, no expectations of me, no spiritual questions or curiosity. And, finally, accepting that family does not mean as much as they used to. Feels like I finally get some peace. At least for a while. I will probably not have much to tell for a while. I can do what I want when I want it. As I can forsee there is only that “job-game” to entertain and that is not that much.

Havn´t felt like this for years, if ever. Hope it stays that way.

Merry Christmas

A Merry Christmas

to every bypassers

Merry-go-round

Think I have been on this topic many times now. Don´t remember if I already wrote it or not, but don´t bother too check it right now.

All of this is quite hilarious. I mean, first, life make a big deal of presenting us with egos and personalities. For years it is shaping them. Making them strong and viable. To deal with everything that comes in your way in life.

Then, all of a sudden, you are pushed like hell to dismantle the whole concept you just created. Spending as many years to dismantle it as you (or life, god or whatever you whish) did creating it. Going out of your mind. Close to insanity.

That is why I call this a game, and make someone pissed off. But truly, I can, still, not see any of value in this.

I spent soo many years now, just trying to survive. Trying not to go mad. With various results. One suicide attempt among that. Whatever I think I am, as long as I am in this body I don´t want to end up mad. What good is awakening if you are crazy? Or have altzheimers? Spend your days in hospice? If you are crazy and don´t know what you are, there is no need for awakening. So, am still asking, why the hell this game??????????????????????????????

If the universe need us awaken, there should not be any egos created in the fist place.

There is something wrong about it. (not the first time either) Round and roundI go for eternity. Never ends.

The Flow

Some awakened people refer to awakened life as flowing. Meaning, as I understand it, that no effort is used for things to happen. Like Jed McK, he does not seem to plan things. Mostly he follows what ever impulses he gets. But things tend to work out.

I wonder if that could apply to a young, fulltime working mother with three toddlers? Is it even possible to go by impulses in that situation? To go by the flow?

You can experience this kind of events now and then. When things just works out, but always??

This new living of mine seem to fulfill any expectations somehow. I did not get my own old farm as I would have liked, but the location I am in provides a lot of different places to go depending on what mood I am in. Today I visited the place in the photo. Sitting leaning toward a treetrunk. Temperature freezing. Listening to the gentle swirling of the flowing water. The sound of a woodpecker.

That´s why I was thinking on the flow. The flow also have been subjects in Jeds book and on Eddies blog. So, syncronicity?

I think I have started to live by those rules. I did not even ask the man who helped me with the wallpaper how much he would charge me. Totally forgot it. Turned out I think he was cheap. Sometimes things just happens.

Troubles are not accepted?

This morning I added this blog to an upstarting searchmachine for spiritual sites. Well, if is accepted of course. We´ll see.

Now some thoughts came to mind.

Some of my own “troubles” I can´t say I have found anywhere else. But some areas I see almost anywhere on forums.

Some years ago when internet was young and so were my troublesome situation. I was visiting forums to try to find answers. Back then I found a lot of despair, a lot of troublesome experiences among people. Nowadays it is like it has vanished, drowned among all the loving sites. It is like troubles are not allowed. Like when I was attending the yogaschool and they told me what I experienced did not exist, could not be (expressed in an old post).

I think it is time to accept that these things are real. One should not be slaped in the face with “god loves you” when you are close to suicide because “god” threw you into a wall. And you hate it.

For the moment I am relieved that I had a calm time for about three months.

The impossible One/Truth

They always fail to stick with it. As soon as Truth is mentioned, they start to divide it. Suddenly you have maya, dreams, illusions and a lot of other things. How can that be? Why are there untrue things in the truth?

“Living dead” puppets does not seem right. It should be a field of fluctuating energy. Where denser parts make up for individuals. But maybe my vision of it makes it hard for living as a human. But why should it be harder then “living dead”?
The Universe is energy. Living dead puppets can´t be right. Something is missing.


Human adulthood ??? Jed speaks about it as the next step. But what is it? To see “living dead” does not seem to be much of an improvement.

The past weeks I seem to get idéas, start write them down, but then just lose interest. The above is some of it.

Continued to read Jeds second book after all, but just skimmes most of it. Don´t give much more. What is intereting is the interview at the end. I guess I am just not the type that likes to dissect things. Like the Moby Dick book. If you have to spend weeks to understand something it is not worth understanding. And you can´t be sure you understood it right anyway. It is just guessing.

A lot of what he writes, the good parts, rings true, but there is differences too. I don´t do that kind of autolyses thingi. Never could. On the othre hand, never had any religious ideas, and think I know pretty well where and what I am. My experience is mostly being pushed. I´ve tried that negating tecnique but it never worked for me.

whatever………….

Old habits

Sitting here wondering.

The move is done, been here for a month now.

A change, but yet not a change. How come that it is soo hard to change when you are a human? Differenet location, same habits. But I knew that! It was the same when I was young. I used to say, after a few weeks it is the same old, same old. Different streets, same habits.

Don´t misunderstand. I love the surrounding I have seen so far. Mostly as good as, or better than before. So, why do I still feel like this is not what it was supposed to be? Why am I still waiting for “freedom”. I am still trapped in this body, with all human belongings. With the need to pay rent and buy food. It will be better for ecomic reasons and that I will always be able to sit by the lake even when old bones will find it hard to walk.

Yet......... I am still trapped.

Clones

A response of mine to a thread on clones and souls on HP forum.

IMHO the clone is ONLY a clone of the body. Every body needs a soul so one will be granted to it. I strongly doubt that they can clone the spirit/soul.


Venetian, what you mention about bodys without soul rings a bell to some thoughts I have. I have had an OBE that occured when the body still walking. I also seen someone newly awakened talk about "the body acted on autopilot". Meaning that the body performed all normal tasks without the soul or spirit involved.

Sometimes my thought have been in the line of "soul is a parasite using the body for some purpose". The body/ego seems to be capable to all lifesustaining functions without the soul/spirit.

Well, some thoughts not nessessarely true.

http://www.healthypages.net/forum/tm.asp?m=402305

HANTA YO

”But what difference whatever truth raises a man tall or bows his heads and bend his knees as long as none interferes with the ways of another? Everyone breathes with the breath of the great mystery; each one, a mystery within the whole mystery, a body within a soul, a knowing in contact with all knowing. Herein sits the true importance.”

“Grandfather, I send a voice; hear me;
From this earth with your breath I send a voice;
Grandfather, I shall live”


“HANTA YO”, Ruth Beebe Hill, chapter XIII

Faith

Grim says:
Blind Faith that is not Blind of what NOT to be Faithful about, including its Faith.
Blind Faith that IS Blind for what to be Faithful about, including its Faith.

Aurora Borealis säger:
faith is a strange concept
Grim says:
Faith is what you are

That was a piece of an MSN converstion with Grim yesterday. He likes to complicate things. :-) He never get to explain what he ment with the last comment though. “Faith is what you are”

Generally I think “faith” IS a strange concept. Everyone says you must have it. I wonder why! Why do I need faith? What for? I don´t have any faith. In my book “to have faith” means that I have something I do have faith in. I have no faith in anything. I do think or know (as I experience it) that there is a greater awareness. But to have faith in it means I expect something from that awareness/absolute/One (take ur pick). And that it will be fulfilled. I do sense it, but I don´t trust it, how can I have faith?? And Grims last statement, .....have to ask him what he actually ment.

A book to read

Just wanted to mention that I will probably not post that much for a while. I have a book to read. Got it in the mail yesterday. And it seems good. A 1100 pages book. Will take a while.

Lousy

Feel pretty lousy right now. For several reasons.

First, Jed Mckenna seem to be questioned. Somebody on the net seem to think he isn´t real. That is he is not a person that has written the books. They speculate if it is several people that is not even enlightened that has written the bookd.

Now, discussed this with chip. She thinks is makes no difference, if it is a good book is is a good book. Maybe, but somehow I think it is important. If the author is fake and a lie, isn´t the book that also? I mean, a lot of people writes under pseudo names, that is OK. But if it is several people that are not enlighted when it is claimed to be, then everything is fake and a lie. Then they don´t talk from experience. I can´t rely on that then. Seems like I am not going to finish that book.

Then, Grim is trying to push me, a bit regarding what was said on Eddies site. But it makes no difference. He can try to push as best he can, he can use a million words. It does not help. I can´t name what has no name.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Had hoped to be finish by now. Guess I never will.

Eddies Being alive and purpose

http://www.truthrealization.com/truthblog/index.php?url=archives/Being-Alive-and-Purpose.html&serendipity[csuccess]=moderate

Purpose

Sunset at Duveholm

Jed seem to comfirm that there is actually an interest from the Universe to push us through to realization. Several times he has mentioned that people are led to him to be pushed into the “first step” or for any other spiritual reason.

He said: she “thought” she was here for the interview. Or As he is here with me it is for a reason. He says it a lot in the books. So, the Universe takes an interest in how we proceed.

That is what I always thought. I am not here because I want it or because I think it is a good idéa. I am here as the Universe wants me to.

New home, Duveholm lake

This is my new location. Pics on littleclouds request. Pictures are taken this week. It is late fall. The distance to the shed is only 5 min walk from the house I live in. When the sun is set I can go home and see it once more from my kitchenwindow on the third floor. Lots of sunsets. :-)

Questions, bla bla bla

Yesterday morning. Soooooooooooooo, what was I supposed to write?

The earth, 24h cycle. In how many ways can one thing be explained?? Was thinking: if realized people live in the daylight part of the world and human beings in the night part of the world. Both parties will claim the other don´t exist because they are not aware of the other side. (Pretend the earth is not revolving) They have to visit the other side to know about it. They have to make the journey.

I am getting tired of Jeds second book. He is very engaged in the mystery of Moby Dick. He finds it to be a book that reveals the Truth. That is, if you can unlock it.

Why is it that “enlightened people” do like to read such stuff a lot? Do they have to explain “nothingness”? Do they need to explain themselves? But I never see the transition explained. Some time ago I wrote about the atoms. They seem to be the limit to what a human eye can percieve. Go further and there is nothing to see. Step back, and the world is there. Then take a microscope and you can see the “unseen”. Take other equipment and you can see the universe in a number of different ways.

The physics, and the quantum in particular seem to have found the first evidences of how matter formes. And they have descovered what they call “the field of possibilities”. In the furure they will probably be able to explain how this is formed. I think this appoach is a better one for me. I have no problem with this.

But it does bother me that spiritual enlightenment don´t explain how I (used in a normal way) can be here. Even if their awareness is on another level they should have to acnowledge every other level as true. There is no other way to do it. The table they talk about in the book ei everything between “solid” and “awareness”. This body and soul I call me is everything between matter and strings. You dan´t leave any part of it out, if you do it can´t exist at all. There is no Universe then.

Chip. This is for you. Jed seem to flip between the seen and the unseen. Like the atom veil we´ve discussed before. But, do you “flip” in the same way? How can you both sit at the table and not being aware of it? Recognice it? Must be a very hard thing to live with. He says: there is no question of a table! Like that should be an explanation. In that case, what is the trigger of the question?

I belive that one day, hopefully not to far away, science can unlock that mystery. It does seem that spirituality can´t. And I need that answer. Do I have to rephrase the question?

Back online

Am back online again. No more restricted sessions. But, thanks Library! For providing the service.

Annoyance

This is one of those things.

If I were "enlightened" or truthrealized, I would not be annoyed if I understand this business.

This broadbandconnection of mine is stilll not mine. The whole moving thing went pretty well except for this. The broadband seem to end up in cyberspace and who knows if it turns up at all. And because I am not done, I suffer! Taking the bike to the library every day, limited to 20 mins session.Annoyed because this is just plain stupid probölems. Stupid things playing games with me. And there is nothing I can do about it. Negating?? Never works when you need it. The Watcher, where is it when you need it??

Apart from that I have done some biking around the lake today. This turns out to be even better then I thought. Lots of nice places to stop by. Even a small waterfall. And a school for horse-teraphists. Yeah, that´s what I said. Interesting.

Black entity

Last night I was sleeping in bed something weird happened. I think I had slept for just a little while when I heard a noice in teh hall. Like someone was there. I tried to wake up and open my eyes, but they were so heavy. Then I became aware or somebody being in my room. I struggled to come out of sleep, I felt something touching my vrist. Finally I managed to open my eyes and saw a dark figure reaching for my arm to pull it to itself. When I saw it it immediately dissolved and dissappeared. Think it was trying to drag something out of me. If so, what was it?

My heart was pounding heavily. I am not sure if I really saw that entity. Or if it was a part of a dreamsequence. But it was very real. It looked dark and shaggy. But even if I was on edge I was not really afraid. Some years ago I had another experience. It was something black coming out of my belly. Like a black energyball. Just that, nothing else.

Jeds first book

Have finished the first book. It turned out that it covers the time before you actually get to the Enlightenment works.

He is a very good teacher. He uses conversations with students to show what is expected. And how it leads to the "first step" as they say. That´s when you drop the old concepts and it can be a very rough experience. In this case it was one event. For me it has been several as I understand it.

I nooded to most of the stories, have been there. But it was good to have it shown, that you are not mad.

I would think that this is a book for everyone that started to doubt their beliefs or to those who have none to lean on.

Now I will read the next one and see how much I recognise from what people told me and from what I have experienced.

This morning session in bed was not about enlightenment but about wallpaper. Now I know what I will put on the walls. In teh kitchen I will have wallpaper looking like a stonewall. Then I put a shelf with plants, and the little waterfall I have and make it a nice place to be.

The sleeping room will have a blue sky with some clouds and tiny flying birds.

The hall shall have tiny roses. It will be different in every room. The livingroom is "standard" white.

Jeds bubble

OK! Here we go again. The same issue, a different take.

Jed describes a truth with bubbles in it. The yin-yang symbol as a sign for it all. The yin-yang is the symbol for duality and the circle/glob contains it. And outside is the "truth".

I quote him from SE-DamnestThing.pdf:
"The truth is out there-the void, the abyss, no-self and our fragile little bubbles are what lets us float around in the infinite, able to enjoy the experience of somethings where only nothingness exists. The illusion of opposites- good and bad, love and hate, only in bubbles."

This actually sounds like duality to me. You have "truth" and you have the "illusion".

And he also describes how he happily dives back into the bubble to enjoy life. Did he have a choice in not doing so? He does not say. But this actually looks like the "bubble" and "life" is to prefer before being only "truth". (hm) Well, I have not finished the reading yet.

This is my main issue. How the h-l can you have a truth with exeptions?? An Absolute that is not ALL? The Truth must include the bubbles or it is not Truth. That is my take on it.

061114 Understanding?

Think I am slowly coming to an understanding about what has been confusing.

In bed a feew minutes ago I realized that when I was younger and had this man stalking me I have always thought I was guarding my soul from him. Keeping it safe so he could not harm "my true being". That what was "me". Now I thought that maybe it was not the soul I had protected, maybe it was the "ego"? Then........what´s the difference? It is still creation. Last spring I had a thought that the soul is to the spirit what the ego is to the body. (body/mind-ego>spirit/soul in my book)

I think the problem is that for long I confused "enlightenment-Abslolute" with the last step of spiritual growth. Wich it probably isn´t.

I never was religious, but the system seem to be built into my backbone. If you evolve into a better being it should come with the package of religion somehow. Or at least something equal to that, to build a better world. I did not know about the Absolute then.

Now I see how it goes, at least I think so.

All the systems and religions is built to create deasent human beings in a deasent world. At least it was supposed to. Then there is teh core of it that talks about the Absolute. But people in general don´t know about it. And when we hear about it we have no chance of understanding it.

Now, I see something lacking anyway. When I read about Jed and others I see they desregard everything that has to do with the world and the physical Universe. They disregard the religions and yogasystems. They disregard everything that hsa to do with being a better person. They even disregard us. They seem to think we can just dump that part. Somehow it seems to be right because in my case I have never really tried out all these things. And yet I seem to evolve. It has puzzled ne that I di as I don´t try to be a saint, don´t pray to gids, I am not a vegetarian. All those things you thought to be needed. For the "enlightened" business those things is not needed. Everything is good as it is, with one exeption. The understanding and knowledge that is the core of what we seem to be is the Universe itself. The core from what everything in spiritworlds and worlds of matter emerges.

But I think the religions is still needed to explain the growth within creation. There seem to actually be a place like "heaven" in there somewhere. Among the astralplanes. Don´t think it should be ignored. Still think it has it´s value, it´s a step on the road. I think that as you advances on that road you automatically drop fenomenon world as the only truth. Science can do the same for other people. It is needed to reach the final step. It is not a waste. But Jed somehow jumps that part, at least so far I´ve read. But that seem to be a common thing. I still wonder why.

Where is the navel-tube between mother and child??

Arjuna and Shiva

061107
"Vacation" seem to be over now. One week without spitirual stuff.

Early morning lying in bed looking at the dark sky through the window. (third floor. no neighburs:-))

The question to be solved is there is but ONE Universe.

The questions are: why is Arjuna formed to be taught? And why is Shiva formed to teach? As they are the same it should not be needed!

Basically they are the same. Why is this game needed? Why is is nessessary for the Universe to teach and learn? I can´t "awaken" before I have solved that. What Shiva taches don´t seem to be complete. It is not the "truth". It does not explain the teachings and learnings.
(not as I have seen anyway, might have to change)

to be continued.
20 mins session at the library

I doubt that I will find the answer in the teachings. Do I have to spend years studying scriptures just to see the truth is not there? What a waste of time! Even if time is not there.

We know there is no permanent "I". It formes, lives and dissappeares. AS ALL LIFE DO. We know the bodies and minds and egoes comes and goes. Shapes from and falls back down into the Ocean of teh Universe. But what is the reason for it?

Why the need for suffering ans bliss? Why has Arjuna to learn he is NO`? Is there anything that tells WHY he has to "learn"? And know he is NOT? It seems that teh fundamental question is not asked.

Why have the learning and teaching experience have to take place?

If the Universe is as uninterrestedas of "Us" as they say, then teaching and learning and understanding would not be needed. We should be only a bunch of microbes with rudimentary awareness. But as it seems, we are more than that.

done

(Think I have to reconsider the ego a bit later on)

Still offline

Hi all.
Just want to say I am still offline. Still unpacking and fixing my appartment.

Started to read Jed McKennas books in order to get something else to do then unpack.

Today it is raining but I had some nice afternoons discovering the surroundings beside the Duveholm-lake. Also made a check on my kayak.

There are some birds in my area. Hen-family, but wild. Have not seen them in 20 yrs at my old place. A nice thing.

Offline

Will be offline for a few days. Now is moving time. Don´t know how long, it depends on if the equipment I need has arrived.

Been to the forest and lake to say goodbye. It was rainy so, suited the event. The forest has been very important to me. Always comforting. Giving so much. The snakes, snok, are sleeping now but they said goodbye in august.

A sad day, but a small feeling of joy also starts, hopefully it shows the way into a new future.

Backwards

061030

What is this? Can´t it just leave me alone for a couple of days?? I don´t have time for it.

48 h from now I am on my way with all stuff to the new town. And I need to work.

Got connected to Grim this morning, as well as last night with a few more people. Grim is persistent. But he don´t see it my way. It is like we are in different corners and equally stubborn. Told him today I will not accept a universe that don´t explain why I am sitting here. To say there is but One and then deny a part of it. I don´t buy it. If you day All. It is All.

The Universe is life. The basic is the stillness they talk about. But it forms what we are. Our temporary selves are part of that stillness. There are movements and forms within the stillness. There would be no awareness if there was no movements. We would not think if it is as still as they say. I think it is just hidden from us all due to the brain. It can´t handle that truth.

Chip said she goes backwards in the chakra system. Isn´t that the koan, “the mountain is again a mountain”?? That is kind of my cornerstone. We need all aspects to be able to be “the whole”. You can´t leave Maya out. My senses is as much the Absolute as anything in spirit form. You only see the “reality” from the present point of view.

I think that S:t John of the Cross put it something like this: As long as in human form you can´t see it all. No matter hoe much you think your done. The only way to be All is to die from the body. Leave the human form. Then, maybe…………

Now…..please leave me alone for a couple of days. I need the brain for more mondane things.

Watcher……..where are you?

New Forum

As the DarkNightOfTheSoulForum .com seem to have shut down I have created a new forum for this blog. It can be used to leave messages or just to tell your story. Hopefully there can be some activity with time. For now I can´t promise any great wisdom, as I don´t have it.

http://auroradnots.proboards52.com/index.cgi

How many shall die?

How many of me are there? How many are there to be eliminated? The part of me that was Ladyhawk has already been eliminated.

The past week has been turbulent. Lying in bed this morning allowing thoughts to come and go at will. Not long ago I felt the Watcher reaching out and caressed my cheek. Analysing the past days and the behaviour of the Watcher and Aurora. The Watcher sneaks in to watch every now and then. It is a weird feeling to sob heavily and at the same time watching what is happening.

The Watcher seem to be affected of the struggle as well. Both parts is cracking. If I am right both the Watcher and Aurora will crack simultainiously. Then what?? Is there more parts?

It is a tough ride and I don´t really think that Aurora earned it. She is a quite nice person, why is it soo hard on her? And why does the Watcher seem to be in trouble too? Is this “normal”? Whatever normal is supposed to be.

There were more to the last week. I still have a post to make on the butterflies. Will do it later today. It will be dated 061020. "Butterflies and energy" is posted.

See also: 2006-09-23 Two of me

They say we create our own world

They say we create our own world. But I am not ruling the entire world. I don´t create everything and everyone around me to put shit in my face.

This is where I stop. I am tired of this sick games and evil universe. It´s only pleasure seem to be abuse.

If it weren´t for my parents, I would have………

The working issue

We talked about the working issue the other day.

Of course I know that it is not the work that is the problem here. The wish for silence and solitude is not a “wish”, it is an urge. Not consiously coming from me. It is deeper than that.

Using ”I” in an normal way here.
I don´t dislike my job. It is a good job and isn´t even boring. It is just that my mind is off to other places. Disturbed by having to think of “unimportant” things like engines and computer problems. And that I have no saying in this matter. If boss says “working”, I have to work. And this week it really have been thumb down. The work for clients was finished. But my boss kept me at the office anyway. Having me working with his dream-engines. Work that NEVER will come to production. I felt like I am sitting in a kindergarten for adult males. It would have been more useful being home packing and cleaning. My back is starting to ache and need to slow down.

I am also tired of men never get their woek done. I have been waiting 6 weeks to receive the project I was supposed to do. Still have not seen it. Then, if it comes, I will have to travel a lot and the work probably should be finished last week. L After 45 yrs I am tired of it. But can do nothing.

So, what is the problem then? Sure, it is inside of me. Work itself is not a problem. It is the way I feel about it. I try to ignore it or switch to “watcher”, has actually done that on and off for some time. Not really being aware of doing it. But still think I could do without this kind of job.

Growing potatoes and carrots would be much more satiesfying. Letting my mind go about it´s own business.

Why am i resisting this?

Why am I resisting this? Why am I being pushed instead of walking freely?

When I was younger, around 30-40 yrs, meditation and yoga periods worked more of less as people say. Made you calm for a while. When I had some difficult times in the 50:s I started, again, to meditate and did yoga. All I wanted from that was some peace and quiet as life was quite turbulent. But this time it went totally wrong.

The peace and quiet was nowhere to be found. When I looked around to different religions and such I became aware of that reincarnation might be real. Somehow it sounded like fair, as some people has very poor and hard lives. On the other hand I had a real problem accepting that I might have to be “aware” for an eternity. That the liberty of death might not be true at all.

Now, what is the better choice? Being enlightened and be aware for eternity? Or just die? The body dies, Aurora will cease to exist, but the spirit will again take another lifeform. But not Aurora. She will never think again, soon also forgotten. So, in a way, I am dead, forever, eternally! What a relief!

Then, what is the reaction of the spirit? Do I have to care about it? Is it my business?

I know, this is fear, fear of having to live forever. That is a disgusting thought. I find “eternal awareness” repulsive. What I wanted was death, and to stay dead. Not to be an everlasting awareness.

Can I change it?

Cleaning windows

061022
Closing in on M-day I decided to clean all the windows this weekend. There are 3 rooms and a kitchen windows. With small and large windows it made up to 9 windows. Each one having 3 glasses. That makes 27 glasses with 2 sides. All in all 54 sides to clean. Opening the windows I realized that this is the year when all the seal-tapes has rottened. NOOOOOOOo, has to take it all away. That was NOT fun. And the sleepingroom window. The balcony was changed a year ago and the window painted on the outher side. I could not open the window. They closed it before the color had dried. So, now it was impossible to open and the inner glasses is not cleaned.

Have you ever cleaned a large livingroom window with 3 glasses?? The outher sides are no problem, but the rest. As there are 3 glasses you can´t open them as much as you should need. So, when you clean the inner part of the glass your back is scrubbing the other glass that is not yet cleaned. Then when you turn and clean the other side you turn your dirty back to the cleaned window. Fun, ain´t it???

Then you realize that what ever you do in life you affect other lifeforms. This weekend a lot of spiders either died of became homeless. Not that I love spiders that much, but they have a life to live too.

Somehow I can relate this cleaning to the spiritual path I am on. You are planning the work as to how is normally is. Then obstacles appear. Things you did not expect. And it takes double the time you have counted on. And a lot of things surfaces that you did not count on. Those 4 windows took me about 8 h to clean. All in all. Disturbing a lot of spiders.

I tried to use the Watcher mode when I started to get annoyed, but only manage to do it partially. Don´t even know if it was the Watcher or if I happily fooled myself.

chip, at least I tried.

edited:
later I remembered one thing. The red plastic bowl that I used for the cleaning is the very same bowl that my daughter had her first bath in. She is born 1968. Sometimes things lasts. :-) I will keep the bowl even if this is now one of the things I will leave behind.

Dark Night Of The Soul Forum

I am adding a link, in the linklist, to the Dark Night Of The Soul Forum. If you need to talk, this is a place to go to.

http://www.darknightofthesoul.org/

Butterflies and energy

Oddly enough I did not have it as much when it comes to the move. And I expected to have it. Once, several years ago, I read that it is a “woman thing”. Female stomach nerves. Maybe it is. Anyway, I can´t pinpoint any specific reason for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like when you are to perform in front of an audience. Other times I have no clue to why it is there. And that is most every day. Like when I had the the gymclass for 2-6 year old kids. Every time I went there I had these butterflies. Or when I go in the forest, suddenly it is there. Why? There is no reason for it. Even when watching TV. I never manage to figure out why it comes. Sometimes it is only the stomach, sometimes it spreads over the chest and up the throat. Combined with energy surges it goes down to the limbs, hands and feet. Tingling. Like it is now. Sometimes the head and vision is also affected.

Sometimes I feel like the heart beats heavily. But when checking I can´t physically feel the heart at all. It is like I don´t have it. If I am sitting down I usually try to calm it down.

There is no reason for it as I can find. Maybe it is womething wrong with nerve-endings. It has nothing to do with stess. If it were it would not come in the forest. The only reason for gymclass would be fear of some kid hurting themselves. Never happened. Except for some bruise of course. Then, why is it here now? Because I try to get an answer?? Am I afraid of the answer? I don´t know. Should I be?? Too much questionmarkes in this post.

Guess I have to live with it. Am used to ignore it anyway. It is only when combined with energy that it becomes disturbing. The tingling sensation makes me rub my hands and move the feets and body. Got some tips on how to get rid of it, but it don´t work.

No matter how much I try

No matter how much I try, I can´t switch reality.

It does not work to imagine you are the Absolute looking through the Watcher. I can´t pretend to be what I am not. (I know…. don´t say it, my system have no way to realize it, so I am still trapped.)

“I” am still here, getting too little sleep. Too much to throw away and pack. Too much tolerances on engine parts. “I” can´t ignore it. Woke up at 5AM, got up and packed the stereo in a box.

Tow, the homework I was given, will take it´s time. I don´t think my brain can keep up right now. At least not today.

Now…. off to work.

Duality

Friend, I think you have dulity too. You see the empty shells, the living dead, as separate from you. The living dead with an autopilot. That works separate from what is your present awareness.

In my version it is the body with limitied awareness that hosts and protects the soul so it can be aware of the world. I have long time thought that the body actually could manage without the soul.

It has to be united. Not two, but ONE. Your awareness is different from mine, it is on another level. But as I see it it is still seems to be duality. Am I wrong?

Measuring tape

Was ”talking” to my friend yesterday. About understanding things “enlightenment”.

I said, well… sort of, I wished for a more modern vocabulary instead of the limited understanding of 3000 yrs old wisdom. In the old days they had not the knowledge of nature that we have to day. I would whish that new understanding would apply to modern men and to be compared to scientific knowledge. Not only to ancient people. At least to me it creates misunderstandings. Especially the concept of “illusion”. And “nothing exists”. And the fact they say The Absolute is EVERYTHING and NOTHING but yet limiting it saying “this or that is not real”.

It is like the two ends of a measuring-tape. The tape is “infinite”! The “first” 10 cm is the human beings and material world. The “last” 10 cm is the Absolute awareness. Or is it the opposite? Does not matter really!

Both ends claims that the other end don´t exist and not the middle part either. Their respective part of the tape is the only truth. They are equally wrong. It is as wrong of the human being to claim that spirits and Absolutes don´t exist as it is for the Absolute to claim that human and Maya don´t exist.

EVERYTHING is in existence. Both human senses and the awareness of the Absolute is limited to their respective environments. Both sides has to acknowledge and experience the other side as well as every inch between them. (Metaphore) There are breaches between the ends but the middle seems to be forgotten entirerly.

Unless that is not done, I say you are not finished.

And now, how the h-l is my “hits” and Dark Night connected to this above “knowledge”?
And how does the "misfortune" in life apply to it? Very acute these days. :-(

Stay away ...from this shit

If there is anyone reading this I just want to give a piece of advice.

Stay away! Stay away from churches, religions, forums and books. Stay away from spirituality, what ever that means.

Keep yourself busy with life. Play with kids, do gymnastics. What ever keeps your head and body busy. If nothing else works, computergames is an option!

Because you are a slave. “God” is hunting you, but not to make you happy. It is hunting you to hurt you. To play evil games with your mind. To throw you into the walls, headfirst. It is happy when you are crying. It muses then. I have cried billion of tears. An ocean, and yet it is not satisfied. It don´t even allow you to die, twice already it has “saved” me. (Wonder if a third try will work?? But I doubt it.)

People say you rule your life. I say I don´t. Every time I try to make something work, it is thrown into pieces. NEVER turns out as I wish. Like work now, “god” is still playing games with my life. Teasing, hunting, hurting, backstabbing, never comes to a solution. What was supposed to be a better life turns out to become a hell-like situation. If it wants me to become insane, why the h-l doesn´t it do it??

And they say “god” is good. It is the worst kind of slave owner.

So, stay away if you can.

(To be fair I have to say there are a few people that are very helpful. But they are rare. Have encountered only two so far. One of them used to read this blog. Sad enough, they can´t really help, just comfort. But that is needed.)

Too much

It has been too much trouble and pain, I am beginning to reject it. Turning away.

SDF and work

Think I have to stop visiting the SD- Forum. Lately there has been two jackasses on there. Harassing people. That kind of people comes and goes. Leaving lots of hurted people behind them. Never minding that.

I have a hard time seeing that. Innocent people being hurt. And myself, I hesitate posting any serious thoughts as I don´t want it to be dissected by stupidity. So, I don´t say much anyway. Then I get myself into foolish attempts to make them understand. How stupid of me! It´s impossible as they thrive on it.

But, if that is how the Universe likes it, who am I to argue???


Work. Seems to be a big joke too. Now they persists on discussing a long term job. And I am moving. If I have to take it I will have 3 h traveltime a day, and a lot of costs. Shit!!

Suitcase

Am off work today and sitting at the computer.

Suddenly I remembered I had dreamt this morning. Strange, usually don´t remember any that long afterwords.

Anyway, I was travelling but had been on one location only. When I was about to return home something came across that made me have trubble checking my packing.

At the bus to the airport I realised the tickets was still in the suitcase. As I had to bring it out I was taken behind the desk to open the suitcase. Was looking through it but did not find the ticket. A man came to assist me. Then I found the ticket in a folder to the right.

When I was looking through the stuff I realised my bag was much to big. Didn´t need that for the “one location trip”. Next time I would choose a smaller one.

end of dream

Guess it has to do with my moving. Posting it anyway. NOW, packing again. Never ends.

Nothing is Absolute

This is an interesting thread on SDF. Will post something on this later.

http://spiritual-forum.net/iboard/index.php?s=2d41f328f1d9a5e934ee5a9b1937b0cb&act=ST&f=1&t=4092&view=getlastpost

Now

Thought this post was a good summarize of "Now".

Posted: Oct 1 2006, 05:27 AM by shin in “NOW” on SDF

Here and now ... means:
your mind is where your body is.
IOW, breathing in, one knows one is breathing in, breathing out one knows one is breathing out. Typing a reply one knows one is typing. Pondering how people will interpret a post one knows one is pondering how people will interpret a post.

Planning the future, one knows one is planning the future. Reminiscing about the past one knows one is reminiscing about the past.

Our body is always in the present, never in the past or the future. Therefore, as long as body awareness is present one is forced to be in the here and now.

In the here and now, body and mind unite.

Appearances

Theotherway! In the previous post you said.:

"Things are appearances...it is not a tree, when it is realised it is not a tree then it is realised as not two, not many, not myriads."

Could you perhaps explain to me why appearances is not of the Absolute. I don´t think I have seen it. It is merely just stated as a fact.

My point is that it is both a tree AND "not two, not many, not myriads." To be complete you have to know all aspects of it. Appearances is also the Absolute.

Think we can twist this till the end of times. But an explanation would be nice. Can you do that? :-)

Unity Koan

Unity
Merge your mind with cosmic space, integrate your actions with myriad forms.
Ch'an master Hung-chih Cheng-chüeh

http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/zen/sayings.htm

ALL or NOTHING

As a reaction on the previous post.

OK, this seem to be the one big question. Or really, to me it is not. It is just that people bang my head as soon as I mention it. Should I keep quitet and pretend I follow the “main stream”.
Am not really sure either if there are really an issue. But people always divide the Universe in what is true and untrue. And my issue is, on that level, how can anything be “untrue”?

I am a part of the Absolute, the Universe. The Universe is me. No matter on what level we talk. It may be matter or subspace particles or awareness.

I was asked by chip if I was Aurora. I can use my human name here. Am I Monica? Or am I the Absolute? I happen to think I am both, because the Absoulte is Monica, how can then Monica not be the Absolute??

Is there a sudden disruption between Monica-spirit-soul-Absolute? Is there a wisible boundry? There is no evidence on that. And if there were, there would be duality. And we don´t want that, do we??

So, in my point of view, I am Monica, I am spirit, I am soul and the Universal entity called Absolute. All in One. I AM.

It is aware of me as I am aware of it.

A friend told me the other day she is still evolving after the realisation. Or adapting, but I think it is evolving. I was happy to hear that, because I was not satisfied with what I have heard up to then. I always thought it would be more. I think she is claiming more of the Absolute. To become more then her bodies normal limits. But that is still to be seen. (Hope you don´t mind me mentioning it here.)

I start to believe this is the issue I am here for. As I seem always to get back to it. And so far, I have not changed it. As soon as you reduce the Absolute /the Universe, or limits it in any way, it is no longer true. Either it is ALL and we are here in it, or it is NOTHING, and we would not be here. But I am sitting here thinking about it and typing. Is that not evidence enough that it is true that it is ALL.

A tree

Posted: Sep 29 2006, 08:23 AM in "Nothing is absolute" thread on SDF

QUOTE r2w
"-Long ago man walked upon a tree and said, "There's a tree."
-Later man learned to harvest the tree. It was still a tree.
-Later man learned to cultivate the tree. It was still a tree.
-Later man learned that the tree was made up of energy. It was still a tree.
-Then along comes a popular metaphysical theory to claim the tree is not real.Is it no longer a tree?

Which is true, the tree or the claim? "

I would say it is still a tree. The metaphysical theory does only count for the "foundation". Not the entire "building". And thus, it is not complete.

What next??

Seems as everything goes away now. I have only one friend left now, at least I think I have. If I did not manage to anger her.

No friends, no family-life, no questions left to ask. Except for this. Why am I still visiting the Forum? Still hoping for something to reveal itself. Even if I know it is nothing for me there anymore. I can´t even help anyone. As there are nothing I know.

The only thing that is still persisting……work! Why does not that one go away?

It is like the only thing I am doing is crying, crying, crying and crying. I have cried for years. And I don´t even know why the hell I am crying. I am lost.

Soooo, what´s next?? Is there any “next”?


Talked to Grim yesterday. There is some things I have to ask chip.

Two of me

Woke up in the morning. The crying feeling still there. And then it started. The last year or so, when I had these “crying sessions” for one reason or another. I always ended up watching myself from outside. Thinking of it I think that sometimes I was outside watching that body crying. Sometimes I was the body noticing the Watcher watching, watching without emotions. Still! As I asume it was the Watcher.

Today was different. I was crying a lot. Then I was two. I was both in the body and outside watching. I cried, aware of the Watcher. I was the Watcher watching the crying body. What was really weird though, was that the Watcher was aware of the pain in the body. And tried to form an arm to be able to tuch and comfort. I could feel the effort in creating that “arm”. Reaching it out. “I” was touching and “I” was touched. Two and One.

Weird!

Tried to reach out to Jo on that Forum but …………..

All the bitches

It seems today, that all the bitches seem to have spiritual breakthoughs. The ones who spat at their neighburs. Screaming about SIN and the Devil. Cursing their sisters and brothers for no reason. (As I see it). That´s what they did with their right hand, with the left they talked about LOVE, God and Jesus. Made me feel sick.

Today they seem very content, I can feel their change.

What does that make me? I was always that polite one. The one mediating. For some reason I feel like I took the shortest straw. Feel like it is somehow unfair. Yet I know the Universe does not count like that. Feel like crying again. Have to fight not to do that. Do I have to brecome a bitch, screaming and cursing?? Or start to use drugs?

Am I the only one never getting anywhere? Think I have to leave this for a while. Need some break.

And…now I can´t stop the tears.
Drip…. drop….

My name

My name!
My name is a stranger. It is supposed to be me. I just don´t relate to it. Every time I have to present myself and give my name I feel like I am lying. It is not my true name, only what is used in converstions. A label!

My true name………..what is it?

To be finished

It is amazing. Just realized that one of my issues in life is to get finished so I can get some free time. And to save some money to be able to use them on something I value rather than need.

I was dismissed from work in the beginning of this year. I was quite glad about it as I am 60 and don´t really wish to work anymore. But it is amazing how work keeps coming in. One could think that it would be better if a young person could do it. But I am still in that harness, unable to break free.

Same thing with a lot of stuff. I do this quickly to get some free time, then my sister of daughter or something else comes in and “steals” my time. Or money, if that was the issue for the moment. Or something gets broken and has to be taken care of.

It seems that I will never be “finished”.

Loosing a friend

Was logging on to MSN this morning. Saw Jo there are marked myself as online to see if he dared talk to me. (After his remark on SDF)

He started out as usual. But I asked him why he was such a bitch on the forum and to me. I told him I don´t appreciate to be told to fuck myself. We spoke for a bit, then I quit. I tried to figure out why he is doing this, but had no success.

I can´t have friends that don´t respect me. So, I lost a friend this morning and now I am crying.

Later I spoke to Grim. He really is advanced and he comforted me and made me think of ther things. Maybe I make a note later when it has settled a bit.

Morning thought

Think I have to clarify something about ”no boundries” in the earlier post. When you look at the Universe there are clearly “boundries”. One sun, one galaxie, one human walking around. Tha magic is on the atomic level. As soon as you take your microscope there the boundries vanishes. Nowhere to be found. One step back, they are there, surrounding a molecule, one step forward, they are gone. But nothing has changed. It is both there and not there. Simultaniously. Or, as it is the same thing seen from two perspecives there are not really any “simultanious”.



reading SDF posts. There seem to be a lot of “enlightened” people on there right now. Are they enlightened or have they “only” learned the teachings. Even reluctant reader seem to have changed for the better.

A quote from shin though, in “The Path, goes nowhere” :
With enlightenment, nothing has changed in principle, body is still body, feeling is still feeling, awareness is still awareness, emotions are still emotions. What has changed is that there is nothing that clings anymore. Therefore things come and go, arise and decay, all of their own. Responses to these things are free, non-compulsive, not pre-conditioned, but spontaneous and exactly as is needed. They originate from a self that is based in Self, and are therefore creative, original, nurturing, illuminating.

Have to keep packing, then go to fetch some keys in my new town to be. And look after my parents.

Seeing aka Quantum Consciousness

You know, I just HATE, when people removes their sites. Good anyway I downloaded the book I was searching for. At least I can quote it. I guess Forberg will release the book for sale.

OK, so here goes.
Some keythings on Grims Seeing and Neither:

Seeing... Seeing... Seeing... = I Am

Boundless, Simultaneous, Seeing (as awareness) (love that)

'when' Seeing... Seeing...

there's Am & Am Not

(and remember, we're talking about the Universe Itself even)

Existence & Non-Existence



Hm, has he left the Nothing exists theory??

Anyway, as I see it, for now, it is not neither, it is ALL. You can use Neither if saying “It is neither this or that, it is both. Simultaneously. Keyword is Simultanious. There is no other way. When you look at quantum physics and biophysics you can go all the way from the apperance ot the entire Universe to the tinyest strings or what ever will be there in future research. There are no boundries anywhere. With that telescope/microscope you can travel from a galaxie through a human body to quantum particles without seeing any boundries. Yet there are local “clusters” that seem to be, maybe a human.

It is boundless, it is simultaneous, it is awareness. But maybe the simultaneous can be taken away as it is only ONE.

Well, leave it for now. Maybe more later. And I did not quote anything fromm that book. It was too much, think I have to reread it. Wish I could post the entire book here.

If it comes for sale it is:

Quantum Consciousness
And your Immortality
By
James L. Forberg
Preface

The intent of this book is to reduce to a practical amount the reading necessary for quantum awareness. At the same time we will venture into information about our physical and spiritual realities.
Modern quantum theory has removed and replaced Newton's view that the universe is a deterministic clockwork mechanism. It remains the function of our people of science to unravel the mystery of reality.

Time for breakfast.

060913 MSN discussion

Woke up this morning. Connected to the internet and MSN. Found two friends awake and online. I am in Sweden, time 9.00, chip is in Illinois, time 03.00, Grim in California, time midnight. INTERNET, connecting people!

First time we met together. Well, we had a lot of fun. Discussing spiritual matters. Very rewarding for me.

There were just one disturbing thing. Grim started to talk about the maze. He said that after enlightenment one has to reenter the maze and walk it backwords. Without the wrong turns.

MSN, Grim:
before awakening, and after awakening I can give a crude analogy like this:
before awakening, it's like going through the maze "forward"
there's all these wrong paths, wrong ways and shit, but after awakening
it's like starting at the end and going out there's only, The Way

and then you have to walk it once you get the "correct" way
now, by "correct" im speaking along the lines of the "noble eight-fold path"
when it says: "Right View" "Right Thought" "Right Intention"

Got an answer to the question about enlightened teaching other paths then the one they had themselves.
"Awaken on your own, then find a teacher.”

It seems as you need the teacher to integrate enlightenment into your life. To find that right way in the maze. Well, I am not done with this I think. And surly not with my reaction to the possibility of having to reenter the maze again.

Later in the afternoon I was kayaking. It was very calm on the lake. My mind on that conversation. I had close to both tears and smiles that afternoon. But just close.

Learn the rules

Learn the rules, then you can break them

This week I have read two blog entrances that was quite interesting.

Eddies “Unity Consciousness”

http://www.truthrealization.com/permalink/unity-consciousness.html

In Unity Consiousness Eddie describes the difference between “heaven” and “enlightenment”. It corresponds with my idéa that “heaven” is a step lower then the final “going back to source”. I recommend this article.



“The other way”:s The Gordian Knot

http://theotherwaysnotbecoming.blogspot.com/2006/09/gordian-knot.html

After realization she seem to dismiss a lot of the theory about chakra works. It sounds right to me. Especially this part “So study of one's own particulair chakra system of energy patterning is study of something there is no memory of, only impressions, and mistaken ones at that based on an identity that never had a reality.”


What amazes me is that people never seem to recommend the path they walked themselves. But I wonder, did they not need it? Could they have walked what they now think is the better path? In my case I seem to have to lern the overall picture. But that is how I work in general. I see the big picture, but mostly leave the details out. Then I can leave it or stick to my own opinion.

A spiritual journey

It is fun, the whole moving thing seem to take me on a spiritual journey.

Today I found some material from long ago. I was looking through a lot of papers in order to sort out what to keep and what to throw away. Articles and magazines I read in “ancient” times. What a nostalgi trip.

That was the days when I still thought spiritual things to be some wonderful, special things happening to mystics. That special people you could only admire from a distance. People with a mind living in eternal bliss. That when achieved it would keep you in that pink colored heaven for eternal time happy.

What a loss. Today I realize that it will not make that much difference. Don´t expect much any more. I´m still on the path because you can´t leave it. There is no other way to go.

Importance of body

Half asleep this morning, my mind analysed the human body situation. Let´s se if I can reconstruct it.

In the early ages of man a person wasborn, lived and died without leaving traces, other then offsprings.

It is no wonder today, that people seem to overvalue the body. We are intangled so heavy that the body seem to be the only important thing. I am soon moving, and my parents are old. Can die any day. Or ten year from now. This makes me analyse things as you have seen.

In times when I want to kill myself, my biggest concern is that people has to deal with “removing” me. But that will come one day anyway. Like it will be with my parents.

“removing” a dead person is a big job. We are so insnared in systems. There is a lot of stuff to be thrown out. Contracts to resign (?). Memberships to finish. Cars, boats and houses to be sold and shared by the heirs. Sometimes it takes years to remove a dead person. And sometimes it seems impossible and it´s “death_house” lives on for years. Even when we are dead they need us to buy a new TV-set to watch the football games.

No wonder why people think body is all there is. There is no place for soul. And even when some activities are directed to save the soul, it always end up making that body richer.

Well, that last part was not entirly fair. But when I look at Internet, there is almost always money involved. We can not be free of the system. Even enlightened people has to feed themselves.

I wish there was a place one could move to, that would let you free yourself of all those outer attachments. That allowed you to have no possessions and no income that traps you to tax-systems. A place were you could only exist. And when you die there would only be one note in the files of living.

Saying:
body is discontinued, soul returned to source.

Love and other emotions.

When I read scientific articles about the brain and soul I always get stunned. They seem to find brainfunctions for almost everything. They find “godgenes”. They enquire the free will. And a lot more.

This makes me think. I have had OBE:s and I have “seen” the watcher. “I AM “ has spoken to me. I have “peeked” into the window of the Universal awareness. This is all “above” body-brain level as I understand it. Nowhere have I felt “love”.

The human emotions comes from brain functions. Triggered by the senses and formed by chemicals. Then distributed by nerves.

As we consider “love” to be a positive feeling is due to a “rewarding” system in the brain. In a way you can say that it is equal to drug addiction. You get addicted to it. So you want more “love”. Science has revealed the entire workings of “falling in love” to long term deep love. It is well described.

Now, what I feel as the “real me” don´t seem to have any emotions. At least I can´t figure out what is “really” my own reactions and not a brain generated one. I don´t trust that the emotions is “my own”. I have to question them all. Emotions makes me go highwild at times, yet I know they are not truly mine. They are related to the body. Not me. But body /ego, is strong and tries to fool me.

What Star describes about peoples reactions in a crash-situation shows people detached from “themselves” as she also says. But I would draw a different conclusion. What they do might seem like a “loving” action. But it is not. I think that they just see there are things to be done, and they do it. They are saving those that are not supposed to die in that crash. No “love” involved, just a part of the plan.

Fear

I am reading a fiction about magic written by David Eddings. Magician´s Gambit.
There are a lot of books in this serie. And a lot of wisdom.

Tonight I read a passage about fear that I think is very good.

The book is translated into Swedish so I have to translate back

Mandorallen, the great Night has experienced fear. He is very uncomfortable with it and ask his companions to make a decision on weather he should leave the party.

Durnik, a blacksmith, tells him that humans has fear all the time. For about everything. Mandorallen says:
“-How do you cope with it?
- Do we have any choice? Fear is a part of life, Mandorallen, and it is the only life we have. You´ll get used to it. When you have put on that fear as an old t-shirt every morning you will not even notice it any more. Sometimes it helps to laugh at it - a bit.
- Laugh??
- Then you show the fear that you know it is there, but that you are planning to do, what you have to do, anyway.”

Thought this was very wise. And…..I practise it, almost daily.

Duality

Yesterday when I was doing my aerobic program in front of the TV I got myself into a stupid situation.

For many years, now and then, I experience this duality. Being spirit and body side by side. Watching the aerobicteacher on the screen while doing the same exercises, my mind started to wonder. And then, a reflection. Not new at all but somehow apropriate to the situation.

It was this “live in the now” and “let go” situation.

“Live in the now” concentrate on what you do. Focus, and then you will be enlightened.
“Let go” of attachments. Do everything without putting any value to it. Then you will be enlightened.

Why am I smiling???? There I was, body and mind concentrated on the screen and the movements. Focused. Then the other side, hovering above the head, just watching.

Seem to work even if logic says you can´t have it both ways.

Now I wanted that smiley.

Thanks, I think

To chip

I don´t think I ever thanked you for being helpful and patient with me during that “stormy weather” 3 months ago.

Then a strange thought came to me. The “human” is not really grateful, she would have prefered death to stop it all from happening again. Then…., thinking of the spirit/soul part of me. Is it grateful?? Can the spirit/soul say “thanks” to chip? Is it meaningful? To be honest, I don´t know.

Can it be “grateful” or does it only make a notification that it (the system) is back on track.

The duality, always the two sides of the coin.

Habits

Have been thinking of habits and attachments. The human need for those. As I am in the process of moving, still 2 months before it will happen, but am planning and going through things. And throwing things away.

A lot of things is popping up. There are habits, attachments and routines that will have to go. Fine, but then…….there will not be long until I have created a bunch of new ones. The human need for familier things.

Can I avoid it? Probably not. To live in society means knowing where the store is. What floor you live on. Remember to lock the door. But don´t need the chain on balconydoor. The hand has to learn where the new swiches are located. A new way to the local store. Can´t go daydreaming for a while then. :-)

Actually, to LIVE is to do that. And with habits grows attachments. No way, as I know about, to avoid it. So, first I free myself, shake it “off, all off” as the shampoo ad says. Then I create a new set. This seem to be done even if it is not really necessary.

So, what is the point?? Just to be aware of it.

060830 Wednesday

I feel a bit slow and lazy now. It is like the calm before the storm. Peculier feeling. The brain is clogged. Not the fist time it happens. Some kind of rest I think.

Still throwing things out. Have come so far I have to make a sketch to see what furniture I can still keep. And what has to go. Also start to wonder how it will be. When the move is done. Things is popping up now and then, things I had not considered. There are a lot of habits that has to be broken and changed. Things you are not even aware of. I think it will be a good experience.

The system

Well, first thing I have to admit I have not studied this really. Just surfaced it a little here and a little there. This is what I have come up with so far. Depending of understanding it differs a bit between the actual numbers in most of the things mentioned below.

There seem to be:

Spiritual:
- a body of matter
- at least 5 energybodies as I have seen noticed
- chakrasystem, 7 main chakras
- 7 astral planes
- reincarnation
- akashic records
- healing energy
- guides

Science:
- body of matter
- microbes
- mind
- consciousness
- energybody
- atoms
- strings

and what ever………

7 visible colors, 7 astral planes, 7 main chakras, probably 7 “bodies” as well (5+1+”One”). Do they correspond to each other? What about the nonvisible energies? Is that the other energybodies we can´t see or notice.


It is certainly a complicated and sophisticated system to be considered ”Nothing” and not existing. One can wonder why such a system should be created just to be ignored. Why would the Universe invent matter and living beings, just to struggle all the way, all the levels only to get back to where it started from? If it has no purpose why is it so delicate? Bodies within bodies. Systems within systems. Life within life. Level upon level. And all of it dependent of each other. Needing each other. One Life!

What a complicated “hide and seek” for/from itself.

It seem to be too much to even try to grasp. But maybe I don´t have to. Well, enough with twisting brains today. Ah, but there is no brain to twist. Only strings. F L O A T I N G!

Creation floating in Nothing.

The resistence of ego?

For a couple of days now I have been feeling great. But now I seem to develop a depression.

This “feeling great” has somehow enhanced some feelings that has developed over the past year. For some years now I have the feeling that “spirituality” wants me to stop heavy exercises. For what reason I don´t know, I still do them as I think a strong body is good for a human.

The last year I also seem to have changed the “need” for nature. I don´t have the same urge to go out sometimes. (except for the past three months when I spent all time out there.) The forest and lake is not that important anymore. Maybe because it seem to have changed. Have I spoiled it with all my tears? Dragged it down with my sorrow? I owe it a lot but it does not give the same feeling anymore.

It also seem that when one feel good inside, the need for outer input seem to vanish, thus interrest for it stops. And now, it seems as I am getting depressed because of it.

The resistence of ego??

It still wants to live the old life. But that is not going to happen even if the change will not be as fundamental as I would have wanted it to. You do need an appartment in Sweden. And money to pay rent and food.

I´m tired.

Cave concept

Talked to chip on the MSN yesterday. We talked about the thread “ You are god” on SDF.

I was actually thinking it is harder to get rid of the concept of “god” then of the ego. And I never was religious. I wonder why!

Maybe it is in our genes. Scientists speak of the “god-gene”. Maybe in the early history of man we actually needed the concept of something greater then ourselves. “God!”. But as we now seem to outgrow it, it is just a burden. Like so many other “cave-reactions” it does not fit in anymore.

Anyway, I find it very hard to get rid of. Or it is one of those cornerstones we have to pass. To overcome, before we can enter what really AM.

Rainbow feelings

Rainbow feelings
It took three months to ”get back to normal” this time. It´s a long time and now I hope it stays calm for another three months at least. Don´t need any more disturbances before I have moved. Later…….it does not matter.

A thought came back to me. I have been thinking of the nature of the universal awareness. Most religious people talks of all that love that I have not seen anything of. But I can see others have some, so it exists. Once, think it was last winter, I equaled the range of feelings with the range of colors. In the same way the colors of the rainbow makes for white light, maybe the range of feelings makes the stillness of the universe.

“White light” contains all colors.
“Black” contains all energy wavelenghts, including white light (I think it does)
“Stillness” contains all feelings, from rage and hate to love and compassion.
“Zero” contains all numbers, both plus and minus.

From this comes:
´Black+Stillness+Zero´ =”The Source” which contains it All. Awareness and Creation.

Hmmmmmm!

Workdream again

I am having a version of the Workdream again. And, as usual, several days in a row.

Now I am just going through the pages, it is like an Internetsite nowadays. It seem to be all there but in the wrong order, so I want to structure it up so the Index should come first. Then I realise it is located on another computer. “Another” ....this time, not the wrong one. But I try to see how it should be anyway.

Still wake up too early and have trouble going back to sleep. And I have to work.

There is an empty space inside me.

There is an empty space inside me. It needs to grow but seem to be unable to do that. The body/ego don´t want to give up it´s space.

This moving business. The longer the time goes the more i realize this is only done by half. I wish I had the freedom and money to throw it all away. Pack two bags and leave. Travel around the world. That is what I want.

But……when this move is done I will still be loaded with “stuff” of this world. All that fits in 2 rooms and a kitchen.

What shall I do? What CAN I do?

Not feeling well

I am not feeling well. Have not slept that much the last week and I feel dizzy. I have done some healing work the last months, why am I then getting sick?

Nothing

Nothing lasts forever

grim

Account of Richard

Have been reading an enlightenment account of Richard recommened by chip. So far only the Personal History.

But if I understand this correctly he has actually passed the state of “enlightenment”.

So, it seems that what I suspected is true. There are more to it than they say. The Absolute has some more tricks up the sleeve.

http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/abriefpersonalhistory.htm

Astral-Meditation-Dreams

For about a year now I have had the feeling that dreams, visions and meditation experiences are the same thing. No real difference between them.

Like when I realised that all the different healing methods are actually the same thing. Nothing unique about any of them. The difference is only due to how a person most easily deals with /handles it. The same energy is used it is just the way your mind deals with it that differs.

Now, all those visions, dreams and meditation experiences I had made me think I was special. Been “taken care off”! Even if often I got pissed as I rarely understood the meaning of it. Twisted my mind inside out in order to understand it. Now it seems as those events is all due to Astral Projection, OBE:s, triggered unconsciously. Like “out of the maze” probably was in the Buddhic, maybe. Or close to it. So, a vision is not more “special” then a dream. It was just triggered when I was awake.

Is it only random, meaningless events?? Or are there some kind of “comandocentral” somewhere?

Remaining question: Is it random or is it done to guide you? And by who? As The Absolute does not care or moves!

Something is still missing. And I have to link that Dark Night to this Astral world.

Change

Yesterday i started to do Yoga Nidra again. And today I started with some chakra-energy work. As a mean to start with OBE. If I can learn to do that it would be a neat tool to learn about the astrals. The article I found two days ago seem to be very good. It explains a technique to do it. It might work if I am able to work with it properly.

It is strange, I had a lot of friends on the net. But now as I have no business at the forums they seem to have vanished. Nobody is on the MSN any more, or rarely. And the mailbox is empty. My daughter did not like the idéa of me moving, but so far I have not seen her much. And my parttime job seem very quiet. Bet they will scream when I have no time due to the move.

Maybe this is really a big change in ALL aspects of my life. Well, it can´t be for the worse. That´s not possible I think.

Spiritual Construction

In March a friend offered to teach me, but then changed her mind due to the situation on the astral planes that she is sencitive to. It was not a good time to start.

Is it a good time now??

The Astral Plane

I have decided to learn about the astral planes.

As I can´t get away from the feeling that I have to know it all. I am not supposed to know “nothing” I am supposed to know “all”. I can´t ignore any part of it.

When I see a human being and it´s complicated structure, both physically and phsycologically and then considers all the astral worlds and the interaction between it all. Reincarnation, guides. Strings, quarks, energies, awareness, matter in all densities. The transitions, the interactions! How delicate the systems work and the design of every thing. How can one just ignore it and say “there is nothing”. “You don´t exist”. If there was no reason for this existence, why is is so delicate and complicated? If it is just a buch of crap, what´s the reason for the marvellous workings? The complicated design? If it is just BS it would be a very simple design. Or I would not be here investigating at all.

How can one just say it does not exist?

Somewhere on the net there are a video that starts with pictures of The Universe. Then it shrinks by the scale of hundred or so. Passes by galax clusters, galaxies, starsystems, solarsystems, planets, living beings, parasites, molecules, atoms, protons, quarks and strings.

Everything interacting and dependent of each other. The basic substance combining itself in different ways to create different kinds of “matter”. All the range from eather to led.

Secret Worlds: The Universe Within
View the Milky Way at 10 million light years from the Earth. Then move through space towards the Earth in successive orders of magnitude until you reach a tall oak tree just outside the buildings of the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida. After that, begin to move from the actual size of a leaf into a microscopic world that reveals leaf cell walls, the cell nucleus, chromatin, DNA and finally, into the subatomic universe of electrons and protons.

http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.html



Am reading this article right now.
http://www.spiritual.com.au/articles/astral/astralp1_rbruce.htm

Body

Posted: Aug 8 2006, 08:43 AM by Agyat the unknown in "The path of least resistance"

Please be careful while interpreting this -
I have heard this voice from within while one of those encounters with the unknown -

'If this body is not yours, who are you to sacrifice it.'

From then on, I feel this physical self as a rented house for which I need to 'pay' regularily for this occupancy!

Aurora:
one of those dejavu´s thanks for sharing Agyat

No, the goal can´t be to be nothing.

Pure awareness, The Source, The One, is all there is.

The goal must be to see the truth of all worlds and how they work together as a unit. Be able to shift the point of awareness at will. You can´t deny any part of The One. If you do, it is not The One.

An old thought coming back.

There is no stomach with a knot

There is no stomach with a knot
there is no ME to feel it

then, how can I go through the Veil?
There is no veil, it´s all a lie. And I´m trying to fool myself.

Here we go again

Had a little reminder. It just can´t leave me, can it?

Why is it so fun to put me in the electric chair? This game isn´t fun. The charge is strong enough to put my system in chaos. The book said this is “the touch of god, the light strong enough to sour my eyes” or something like that. And i can´t even shield myself as I never know when it comes. If this is the way to learn trust and love, it´s totally wrong. I don´t trust it a bit. and I think I hate it more then love it. And can´t do a shit about it.

Light souls

Why don´t I find a soul light and fresh as a summerbreeze above the water?

Why does my own not become like that?

Is it my own senses that fools me when I can´t sense them? The light souls! Even those who seem to be enlightened is trapped in matter and don’t fly freely.

Matter is so heavy, pins you to the ground.

I am longing…………..

Wasting time

What´s the point in doing this? Except for wasting time?? What a pointless existence!

Half full or half empty?

http://www.truthrealization.com/permalink/half-full.html

If you have glass half way filled with water would you see it as half full or half empty?



Hi Eddie,

just wanted to make a comment on this last post of yours. Every time I see that story, I smile because my answer is dependent on how thirsty I am. If I am in the desert, the glas is halfempty.
Monica

Neti and Nerves

Neti-Neti, a good thing they say. Does it work? I am not too sure about it. Since that dream about “the tall man taking my things away”, a lot of things has been unattached. I am still attached to nature though so I am not totally free.

BUT, now the question, how do I handle the body? How can I tell the body to act in accordance to the mind and soul?? Do I have to cut out my stomach?? Do surgery to cut those nerves?

There are things like my sister. She has a way of trying to make everone else to think her ways. I am just soo tired of it and we came to a confrontation when I had the last three “energyhits” in the beginning of June. I cut her off as she tried to make me do things I had no wish to do. I had my own problems to attend to.

I don´t care about her anymore. I am just tired of her ways. I have tried to heal our relation. The latest system is called EFT. Should be very good, but no changes in me as I can feel. I have tried to heal and release our relation. How do I conform the body with the mind?? I have tried healingsystems, reasonings, meditations. Nothing seem to do the trick. The body does not care to change.

My mind don´t bother anymore but my bodysystem JUST don´t want another confrontation.

My sister still tries to make me play with dolls.

Maya and enlightenment

I can´t see how one thing is "illusion" and another not. How can ANYTHING be more real or unreal then anything else. There is but ONE Universe and everything in it is REAL.

Don´t measure The Universe from limited senses.

Posted: Aug 2 2006, 07:58 AM by Aurora in Maya and Enlightenment, SDF


I am still working with this blog. There seem to be a pattern in there. But I am not finished yet. A little later I will take a step back and see what patterns there are. I think I am working throu both my human and spiritual lives. This blog and my home as I will move and am throwing away a lot of stuff.

In the bubble & teachers

For a few days now I had this feeling of being in a bubble. I have been here before. It is when you do everything as in a dream. I started to clean out the appartment for the moving in three months time. Then i “clean” out this spiritual mess, trying to get some structure to it. Then reading one of my granddaughters “Magic” books. And no matter what I do I am only half aware. The rest is elsewere.

When I look back I realise this is a period that sometimes comes after those violent and disturbing “hits”. (Se Dark Night) It is like a resting and recovering period. But there are also surges of energy going on. Like whe you loose balance and almost fall. And of course the hands and feet. There is a sound in my head, like background noice.


Been thinking a bit of spiritual teachers. Was looking at the homepage of one yesterday. It has changed remarkebly since the last time I visited. Earlier there was a lot of interresting stuff on that site, now only schedules and a book for sale. OK, they have to live, but it is sad.

I also have been thinking of the troubles I have and how teachers react to it. They don´t! They talk about a harsh path to Enlightenment but then, in their teachings they mostly tries to describe what can´t be described. But as I see it, a good teacher has to recognise the pitfalls and difficulties on every step of the way. For six long years noone could tell me anything about the “hits” of what I now know is either “raw energy” or the "tuch of the Divine". When I asked it was ignored mostly, or not recognised. So much suffering because nobody was able to tell me. What good is teachers if they can´t explain what I go through and guide me through it.

Visits

41 days with 303 visits (7.5 a day), and almost nobody comments? Exept for that Anonymous that wanted to advertice.

Don´t people need to know how rough the road might be? Do they think it is only light and love, and no sorrows?

Knot

Why does that knot in my stomach never go away? Makes me go crazy for no reason at all sometimes. If I could have one whish granted for myself, it would be to remove that knot. It takes a lot of energy to fight it or ignore it, and it does not even seem to be dependent on “fight or flight”. I am not nervous or scared, so why is it there?

Is ist a physical problem? I once heard it was a female problem. :-(

Moving

This morning I was throwing away a lot of things as I am going to move three months from now. Then I was at the lake this late afternoon. Took a quick swim and then sat down reading while drying. Earlier I had been picking some berries but they are dry as we had too little rain.

I had this feeling the whole day. I am working with this blog, and I started to go through my things before moving. I think the urge to move that I had for over a year now, is due to a feeling of “I´m done here”. For so many years this appartment and this forest and lake has seen my tears. Felt my struggles and tried to comfort me. Now it is growing in me that I need to start anew in order to be able to continue. Clean out all sorrows and pains. All stuff I didn´t even know I had weights me down. Both feelings and things. It will be a relief and I hope it cleanses out the path in front of me and let me travel easier.

The only thing here I am not done with is my daughter and my grandkids. But I will not move that far away. And there is MSN.