Tears or laughter

today I don´t know weather to laugh of cry.

It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.

One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.

Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.

Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.

I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?

And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.

Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???

Living forever

There is another thing I forgot in earlier posts.

Every teaching talks abut fear of death and longing for eternal existence. It is like all work is driven by the fear of death. And yet, the final goal of it is “nonexistense” and merging into awareness. So, this is one of those contradictions.

Never mind, back to me. I am not afraid of dying a physical AND mental death. I don´t want to exist forever. That seems disgusting to me. So, that is another reason why those teachings don´t appeal to me. Why should I work so hard to get something I don´t want? And feel guilty about it? But that is the human part of me speaking. As I am still on this path I guess the spiritual part thinks otherwise. The spiritual part is already eternal I guess, so that is no surprise.

But IMO there might even be different stages beyond the human experience. So, where and when does one die? The scientist in me likes to know that, wants to know how things work.

So science makes me interested. Spiritual teachings makes me mad. And this unknown partner of mine, pushes me onwards.

Hm, the human and the spirit, they are also One because sometimes they Work as one.

Duality in One.