Was biking and walking with the bike among the wetlands today. Sun shining and nature burning in autumn colors.
The old, familiar feeling came over me. The oneness with nature. How I expand into the universe. Being aware of the thin layer between me and the all of nature. Why was it so impossible to break it?
Why was I not allowed to break it? Now it is too late.
2009-10-29
2009-10-16
another crying session
There is one person that visits my blog lately. Always telling me how special I am about my relation to nature and my photography. And I feel so bad about it. And I´m about to tell that person to stay out of my blog.
So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.
My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.
I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.
Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.
And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.
And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.
The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.
So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.
My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.
I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.
Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.
And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.
And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.
The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.
2009-10-01
Grim
Checking my mailbox yesterday I noticed an orange marking in there. It was the chat service. Some years ago I sometimes chatted with a person that way. But now I had forgoten about it.
I was mildly chocked because it was one of the guys from a spiritual forum. At the same time I noticed two names in the sidebar. It was two females from the same forum. What was all this about now? I hesitated for a few minutes before I opened the chat area. And it was the guy I thought it would be.
I had been wondering about what happened to him so I thought chatting for a while would not hurt. He had been to Tibet for some time and now back in the US again. I asked if he had found what he was looking for but it was negative. So, not even he found it. And he is already enlighened as far as I know.
Well, I was a bit shaky afterwords. I realised how the past two years had affected me. I was forgetting, and it is a blessing. Today my body is protesting. Head ache, stomack out of order. My body don´t like the prospect of being pulled back into spiritual search. I don´t want that. Why did he have to show up?
What shall I do?
What is happening?
I have no desire to start all over again.
Futile!
Leave me alone.
I was mildly chocked because it was one of the guys from a spiritual forum. At the same time I noticed two names in the sidebar. It was two females from the same forum. What was all this about now? I hesitated for a few minutes before I opened the chat area. And it was the guy I thought it would be.
I had been wondering about what happened to him so I thought chatting for a while would not hurt. He had been to Tibet for some time and now back in the US again. I asked if he had found what he was looking for but it was negative. So, not even he found it. And he is already enlighened as far as I know.
Well, I was a bit shaky afterwords. I realised how the past two years had affected me. I was forgetting, and it is a blessing. Today my body is protesting. Head ache, stomack out of order. My body don´t like the prospect of being pulled back into spiritual search. I don´t want that. Why did he have to show up?
What shall I do?
What is happening?
I have no desire to start all over again.
Futile!
Leave me alone.
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