withdrawal

Yesterday i said goodbye to chip. Can´t write to her anymore as she is a constant reminder of my problems with spirituality. And I just want to forget about it all.

It is strange, she is awakened, yet she has no clue whatsoever of what is happening to me. Where is the wisdom? One is supposed to become wise when awakened, right? Why did she not explain what was misunderstood? Never mind, it does not matter anymore.

Yet…. her only response to my email was standard klichée about “I am already that!”. Like that was supposed to help. L It seems to me that one is getting dumb when awakened instead of wise. She always told me things I already knew, never the things I needed. I needed help with what happened to me, not what dumb scriptures said. Old scripts is just misleading, not helping. They say nothing about my situation.
Now I am in a situation when I am crying constantly again. But it does not matter, I am not changing, am not going back.

I AM NOT GOING BACK, STARTING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. NEVER… NEVER!!!!!!
It does not matter how much they make me cry, I am NOT going back. Am NOT starting it all over again. I live this life as long as I have to, pretending it is needed. Then I end it. Will not live as my dad does. I will not do that.

What a mess! Just pretending! Eyes red!