Thoughts and idéas that pop up in the brain…

Where do they come from?

Was looking at some older posts. One with a message “the humans are changing”. I don´t know how many times I got what appears to be messages. Just popping up into the brain from “out of the blue”. Sometimes they are understood. Sometimes they have no meaning I can see.

Everything that has been on the table lately when it comes to awakening makes me wonder. When appearances and thoughts rise and fall in Rigpa. Could those “messages” be something that was ment for another? I mean, maybe as a fraction in someone eleses conversation that took the wrong path and ended up in my brain. That would be some kind of proof that there is really but one mind. And all “private” minds overlapping each other. (Have to use common words even if my mind has a slightly diffent image of what might occur)

Happy New Year!

Last day of the year! Today I wonder if the next one will finally see me released. I wouldn´t mind se teh end of this struggle. Today I will visit my father for New Years dinner. Wonder if I shall warn him? I mean, if I go nuts?? If I reach the place where I am aimed, then it certainly might be a rough ride. At least it had indicated that I am closing in.

Aimed at…Rigpa

I am in the middle of a conversation with c about illusions and stuff. About a week ago she gave me the link to “Seeing with naked eyes” that actually is very good.

Well I have been introcuced to a new name, Rigpa, that should equal the Absolute. There is some pieces missing in the blog due to it has been gone for 4 months. So some background happenings is missing. I will ad some of it later on to get the picture.

For now, what came to mind during this discussion about the nature of Rigpa, was “this is where I am aimed”. This is Home.

C was kind and described how she experience her present situation. Not what it IS, but how it works. As far as one can describe that. Seems as I did misunderstood something thou. I have to reread it.

I took the picture at the top of the blog this morning when I should meditate. Yesterday I had the same candle and when I looked at it though halfclosed eyes I saw the rays of light coming towards me. It was nice, but hard to get on a photo.

Thanks

I would like to thank the blog support staff. They made a good job of finding the blog I deleted. I asked them if it was possible to retrieve the URL. They found and restored the entire blog.

Thanks guys!

crying attacks again

there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.

071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.

Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.

After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.

I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE , I need to know. What does it DO to your life?

Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L

Please , tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.

Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.

Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.

Mirror

the way you did the imagining your self in a mirror will not do it.

Imagine your self imagining, that's all, nothing more nothing less. Tell me what does or does not happen with that.

.***************************071215
had to sit down in meditation position to try. I could not do it!

I can´t imagine myself imagining. As soon as I tried it is no longer “only me”. I invented a copy of me this time and tried to make it imagine. There is “me” and the copy. A fantasy starts.

.*************************************071215
Right, mind went blank for a while, but I did not really get frustrated, as the mind almost emedietly started to invent things to try to solve the problem. It was later it recognized it IS impossible. Your question made me doubt what I knew.

The past days my mind has been working on that. Beginning with those Tibetan books. I was not really joking when I wrote about narrowing it down to two sentences. Actually it also fits in with this “Imagine your self imagining” exercise.

When. long ago, people could not imagine what happened after death they started to imagine what happened then. Then the fantasy, what ever culture marks on it, started to fulfill itself. What one expected to happen, did. But as that IS a fantacy and some people knew that, they had to ad to the fantacy that it was not real. It is “YOU” and only you that you are aware of. And basicly that is some energies. Now energies and colors (colors is different wavelenghts) is also described. Funny how it coincides with the chakra system.

Some years ago I looked into healing systems. I noted that all of them was actually the same one just adjusted to each persons fantacy of how it works. That too was the color of the rainbow, as the chakra system. Rainbow colors are white light. So, all or it is White Light Energy. Then, in the nature I heal myself. Even if the power is not too great it works. Now you told me that all those things I notice and experience is Rigpa or the Absolute. Guess the Watcher and all of that also fits in there. Sometimes it is “my” fantasy, sometimes it is the fantasy of a higher power revealing itself back to me.

Two days ago when I biked home in the dark, a phrase popped up. “The Unified Law Of Everything”. Physics and spiritual alike. Both seeking the Combined Power to explain it all, that IS ALL.
I will work with the meditation.

Imagine yourself imaging.

And what did that do to your mind? Stopped it for a min? That is the beginning of viewing rigpa.
Have yo ever been on one of your nature walks or in your cayak....and just rested where you were with no thoughts running thru your head except maybe in the background the mind mumbling nonesense barely heard? That is near rigpa. Have you ever had one of those moments...i think we all do....where you go into kinda of a trance for a few moments and stare at nothing and think of nothing tho you know what's going on around you? It's a pleasant feeling and happens to everyone occassionaly, and can happen anywhere. That is Rigpa. Some people call it "zoning out"
Yet when rigpa is uncovered that 'moment' becomes totaly present while one still functions, and it grows into deeper presence with further removal of obstructions.
This is the Absolute Aurora, the approach is different. The curtain of emotions and thinking that hides it is moved aside, thru method, and in time rigpa shines right thru that curtain without destroying it.

.****************************
lol, do you know what I did? I imagined seeing myself in the mirror imagening.

oh. dear! Why do you think I go out in nature? This is what I seek to rest my being when it is hard times. This is what I find in the forest and the lake. That which helps me heal. The reason why I am still sane. If I did not have that I would have been insane by now.

Some days when I am too upset I can´t open up to it, but other times the mere fact that I am entering the forest alone makes me drop it and open the senses to the forest or lake. It is too bad I can´t keep it that way.

SO ALONE!

Yea, alone. There is nothing left. No family, no friends, no job, no teaching, no love. Of course they are still there in the flesh, but not for me to reach. When I am close to family I feel like a fraud. I act like I love them, but I don´t really care inside. Everything has been taken away.

To have friends at forums is now over. I can´t debate that which they talk about. And what I talk about is not heard or seen. It is like what I say and see is invisible. I talk and scream about what I need to express, but nobody listens or hears.

I even asked no-1-awakens to help me. He wrote one letter and started the usual about what I state. Oneness or devisions. I told him about the brainsplit and the hits, and he did not even respond. I wrote again and asked if what I wrote was poisenous or something. No response.

When grim brought up the white light stuff, Dhogzen, it stirred inside me. I was about to leave COT at that time. But, twice, I engaged in discussion, and bitchy star destroyed it. The last time I invited grim to email-exchange instead but then he droped out the forum.

I could not discuss that with starlight around. Don´t need to hear her remarks about split-mind, like it was a crime, diapers and poo.

It is strange, why did I know chip was not done? How did I know grim wasn´t? Now grim is chasing the very thing I endlessly asked of him and he told me it wasn´t there. When he just spoke of Neither. And refused to see life. And chip has progressed and is finally happy.

And no matter how much I tried to explain I KNOW it is but one thing, he, everybody, claimed I was attached. Because I did not see any illusion I was attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did not matter how much I explaind you can´t take something out and claim half is real half is illusion. If it is but One thing , it is all real.

Now grim chases supreme enlightenment and I am still sitting here on my chair, writing that chit down. C is happy, thanks for that, I hope grim will one day find it. Myself I can´t even begin to think I should have to study thirty years learning things just to dismiss. It is like I should have to know everything about every molecule in this body to be able to live within it. The little I saw from that book of his, the ancient teachings first teaches a lot about the Oneness just to dismiss it as being the same. Just to try to understand it they first apply qualities but simultainiously say it is not. They invented a huge world that means nothing. Dividing things just to say it is not. Very disturbing.

crying attacks again

there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.

071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.

Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.

After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.

I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?

Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L

Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.

Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.

Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.

The Eternal goes photoshooting

This morning I woke up to a misty, frosty and sunny day. Perfect for shooting some great pics. Decided quickly for a quick breakfast and then I biked out of town.

Started to shoot pretty soon as even mondane views make a nice pic in fog and sun and frost.

I spent about two hours photographing. Last place was a lake where I stayed for a while. Then the magic was gone. Frost and mist dissappeared.

When I led my bike back down the dirtroad I suddenly stopped. What the……….. ! What happened actually? I remembered a great time, looking for pics, the joy in experimenting with the settings to make it show what I wanted. I also remembered that at one point I heard myself saying “I want to look too” and trying to get “myself” in position to take back my eyes. Someone else was using it.

Then I realised “I” had been sidestepped the entire time. Being reduced to merely a sidekick. Being allowed to watch what happened but was not in charge. The Eternal Emptiness was using the body, the eyes.

I know it is often said that the Absolute has no whishes, but today, surely, it enjoyed itself. The Great Emptiness having fun.

Later on today I will post some pics on my photoblog. Then we will see if the Eternal is a good photographer.

Dream of war

Dream:
This was a kind of war dream. Ingemar (one of my troubles) was a teamleader in the dream to defeat the obstacles. No demanding attraction left. Just a teamleader. I found it strange. The dream was a mish-mash with no structure. Think the point was to show Ingemar as the teamleader that should help me fight the war. To show another side of that individual. That his role in my life was the role of obstacle, and now that part is over and the true nature is revealed. Well, suspected that. So, are the universe revealing what it does? What really happened, to earn the respect? To make me trust it? Too early for that yet.

The men
It has always been like I should love them so THEY get happy satisfied or wahtever. They always acted like they demand something and I can´t give as long as they demand it. That is why I always cursed the absolute because I have to go there on my own wish, not on demand. As I see it it is the calm periods when I go on my own that is the most fruitful. As soon as there are stupid messages or pushes I revolt. Why am I not allowed to do this my own way? You dan´t force somebody to love you. Love and respect has to be earned.

The theatre idéa

the human way: you say the canvas is real because it is solid matter, a wall, and the IMAGE unreal as it is not the humans themselves that are there it is only their projections.


the absolute way gives the opposite effect:
If you suggest that the Absolute is the Canvas and thus “real” and the images, US (the solid matter part), “unreal” you have a problem. The Canvas is unable to produce the images and so you need to ad a creator of the images.

It, the Absolute, is the object photographed. It is the photographer. It is the camera capturing the image. It is the camera projecting the image. It is every foton leaving the camera to project the image on the screen.The image is real as an image. It is every set of fotons leaving the screen to the eyes of everyone in the audience (lol, One becoming many). Every part is real. There is nothing “unreal” about it.


There are a lot of pics on my photoblog. They are not “real” photos. In the world of computers they are only a number of 0:s and 1:s. Still you can copy it, print it and put it on the wall. Every step is “real”.

The Absolute is all of it, or it is not the Absolute.

Inititated from a COT thread

Flow of life

Went to my parents this afternoon. Found my mum in a very bad condition. She has no strenght left and are crying a lot. She just want to die now. Everything is just hard work for her. My dad visited the bank today to get some papers that will allow me to withdraw money from their account. So, this is the beginning of handing over their economy to me.

I felt as I am “standing” still with life flowing around me. I have this feeling of warmth for her, but it is like I am only watching from aside. I don´t “have” the emotions, I just play them out. Don´t think she notice the difference anyway.

This happens a lot nowadays, being centered with life flowing past me. Somehow like that trainvision I had when I took care of J&M a couple of years ago. When I was watching my life going on outside the train windows.

Mother expeience
When i got there today my mother (she is 85 yrs) was angry. I took her and led her to her chair. I was kneeling and holding her arms. She was crying and struggling. Then I somehow is “centered” My mother and I was united partly, like siamese twins. Then I felt a package of “love”, sort of, being sent from "my" body to "hers". And she relaxed. But “I” am just watching everything happening. I got confused somehow because I am not sure who we are. If we are separate or a unit. I also sense very clearly my dad being there. Watching and a part of it. (He WAS sitting in a chair in the room).

And this is my daughters birthday.

why is it needed?

There is one thing that never been cleared.

What is the reason for this transformation? Why are we forced to go throu all these works and suffering in order to awaken?

Who benefits on that? And why is it needed?

-According to Rose it is “dangerous” not to want it is considered to be spiritual immature. But from that paper I read he does not mention why it is so damn important.
-Bunnie says that it is really no big deal. Talked about the methafor “mountin, no mountin again a mountain. What changes is that you never again get attached to the world. (if I understood it) so the world is real but not a nessessery.

But there has to be a reason for this kind of work. If there was just the ascension that some talk about, that could be taken care of with evolusion. Genes and stuff. Why is this kind of work so important? What benefits comes from that, and to whom? Why play this game with religions, dark nights and hitting my head and make me cry because they hurt my heart and eyes.

Why is the spiritual work so important they spoil my human life? I have found no reason for it.


What lies beyond all this? Why this way?

070904 evening
There must be a reason for why it´s done this way. I don´t buy what I´ve been told so far. To go throu all this trouble only because a change in perception? It does not make sense. There must be another agenda. There´s no way it can be worth all that pain.

When it comes to teens changing is due to hormones, does not seem to be in this case. So that is outruled.

Was thinking of looking into that lightworker stuff, but only to think of archeangels and ascensions and spiritual wars makes me VERY tired. Wonder why everyone is at war. :(

Dream building

Dream:
I was at some work, newly moved into that area, puters place too high and such. Did not bother until some boss came in. That boss had a big stomach with some vadded stuff around. Said it would keep the back straight. When it was time to go home I looked for what means there was. There should go a bus. Took my stuff, including the dinner I prepared for my parents. Somehow I “messed up” the path to the bus and it was long gone when I got there. Fine with me and I went inside again.

Next part is searching for an exit, seemed I could not stay in the building. Still carrying the food, a small package, I walked around partly uninterested. Somebody was following me. Went throu some narrow passages, then came to some vertical round passage with an opening above. I turned back and asked if that was the way out? There seemed to be a yes as answer. I looked up, the tunnel was lit, hesitated for a moment, then turned back and went into the building again.


yeah, this is how they trick you, curse them! this is perfectly clear! Messages in dreams that means nothing.
after reading a letter from chip I realised that when I went back I no longer carried anything.
the last part reminded of the “old farm” dream when I went up the narrow warn-out stairs.


Chip:
Those dreams you described, tubes are narrow and straight, they are a direct conduit to the end, there is room only for you, not for anything you carry. The room at the top is empty Monica, because it is EMPTY, nothing is brought with you.


till c 070902
I am calmer today even if I still have a towel on my pillow at night. It tends to get wet for some mysterious reason. This morning I had a feeling that this is a battle on a different level. There is nothing you can do except being a friend.

Deleted, letter to a friend

Hi friend, just want to say I deleted the blog before I went to bed last night. Not because of you, if you read the blog you have seen it´s been on my mind for some time. Started with deleting the forum about two months ago. There will be no more whining and complaining!

You say:” Either go whole hog or drop it.” and “Get on with it or drop it”, so far my experience is that I can block it for a while, but then it sneakes back if I don´t watch out. This past year I have tried to keep a low profile to keep it calm. Now that period is over.

It really makes no difference if it, my problems, comes from hidden consciousness or “outside” spirits. The result is the same.

It does not matter if I wanted to “go for it”, I would not know how to do that. We have a saying in sweden, “burnt child fears fire”. That is where I am. If I was a testanimal I would starve to death with food right in front of my nose because it gives me charges when I try to tuch it.

As you know I have no nice experiences that will make me go, that could serve as a carrot. I only had the 10 minutes when dancing in the forest. And that was probably not spiritual, rather a rush of adrenalin or other chemicals in the brain (sorry, forgot the name of the one I think of). The other times I felt nice outdoors, it was my own doing. Nothing spiritual about that.

Bad

Don´t know what to say really. I´m all messed up. Was reading that AB had a profound experience. With what happened lately with myself I felt bad about that. Not yealous, but bad. His work seem more of less done now and I never seem to get out ot this.

If this is truly “what we skall want” and “free will to do it” then why am I in this condition? I thought it had calmed down again. But no. I know that ab has investigated the “apparent” for some time now. Tried it, tasted it, smelled it. But I can´t do that . I can´t pretend that the universe, or parts of it, is “apparent”.

There is noone to talk to. I tried to get new friends as I am getting lonely. But those who was interested then don´t continue. Somehow they popped up and dissappeared. The photographing has come to a halt. Soon there will be nothing to do. It´s like it is cursed.

When I sat here I heard the mail dropping to the floor. Went to see what it was. It was a pamflett from some church. Well that was timely. I got so angry I took the pamflett. Put it in a pan and burned it on my balcony.

Everyone seem to “pull over” but me. Why can´t I do this? And as I can´t do this, why does it not leave me alone? They don´t let me live my life as I want it. Why don´t they then help me to get across? Why give me “messages” I have no clue what it means? Am I supposed to do something? I don´t dare anymore, because every time I tried to do something I was smashed. I can´t allow that anymore, not if I can avoid it. Next time I get hit I will sharpen that knife. And use it! There will be no “saving” next time.

I CAN´T DO THIS, PLEASE……….LEAVE ME ALONE

Lately I have been thinking of the purpose of writing this blog. Maybe there is still that tiny hope that ……….I don´t know.......

Gratitude? Teaching?

Read a blog yesterday. It is written by an awakened being. Or so it is told.

In two posts he describes how it is to live as an enlightened. And a bit of the struggle that occurs after the event happened. To align the new identity to daily day life.

He talks a lot of his curiosity about life and his gratitude towards the universe for that and for being liberated of fear.

Well, so far so good. Is that what I want?? No, it is not what I expeced it to be. I could have that life if the spiritside did not abuse me once in a while. As he describes it there are still two. To me this sounds like the next step is another religion. From gratitude, to praying to god (he does speak of god), to altars and getting followers.

IMO if one is truly at the highest point, there should be no gratitude or curiosity. It should just be “being” and “watching”. Probably thinking the body is a pain in the a.. when stumbling around with it. Hm... maybe that is why the ancient wise once seemed to sit all the time.

On the other hand, does not scriptures say there are several levels of awakening? Think I read something somewhere. You can never know when you are done.

.***********************
BTW, why is it that pain and fear is considered teaching? Love does not have the same affect, does it? And why is it that no matter how much people talk about oneness, people still think of awakening as going in the direction from bad to good. From black to white. It should be from both sides to the middle. To calmness, stillness.

And some, nowadays, really like the word “apparent”. I keep my mouth shut. But I still wonder how they can take a piece of the whole and say it either don´t exist or that it is apparent or an illusion. How can a piece of something be other than the whole? If I live here I am not “not existing” or “apparently living”, I am living in the same right as the universe as I am a part of it. And so are the spirits, deams and whatever you can think of. There can be no other way. There should be no need for all those cryptic ways of twisting a mind.

IMO, but that might turn out to be wrong………..or……….

Friend, if you read this, I hope this is not offending to you, I hope we still are friends. You once told me you choosed to be my friend, hope it is still your choice.

Spiritual forest

Was biking on a road I never visited before. I stoped to look for mushrooms a couple of times. Then, once, when I went into the forest I stoped dead. There was my soul. So strong spirit energy on that spot. It was calm and I could hardly move. The energy made me sit down on a stump and meditate. Did not get out of it until I noticed a lot of moscitobites on my feet.

Talk about being manipulated. Was it real or not? Can´t say until I visit the same spot once more. There are places with higer energy. This is most certainly one of them. A coincidence I found it today? Hardly!

She´s wining

She´s wining and gives me headache. I´m angry!

I think that instead of close the duality gap I started to eject her. I am tired of this whining and bad job. I am tired of being manipulated. I was fine with the idéa of true death. In fact I wanted to die. But all this crap going on, I hate it.

Now it seems like I try to get rid of the spirit. She can go elsewhere and whine and try to do what the h-l she is trying to do in such a bad way.

I had an idéa long ago that spirit was no more then a parasite to the human body, using it for it´s own purpose. The human can live without it. So, maybe that is what I do now, kick her but and ask her to leave.

I realised I do all this work with photo and a lot of other things in order to give the spirit thought lesser room. Now I go about new friends to talk to. Will give her even lesser space if I get it my way.

Sometimes I wonder what´s wrong with how “I” am. Why can´t “I” have those happy expectations of a neverending Eden? Why do “I” differ from everyone else? When I read something on Cot or elsewhere I always think, no…no..and no! It´s wrong. It´s not that way.

suuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, leave me alone, please! Get out of my head!

ok,ok

I shall write it down.

The last few days I followed a thread at Cot. Starion had questions about the workings of the universe. So I offered the book about Quantum Consciousness. I also pointed out to her about sensing people on distanse and feeling people, like the kids.

Yes, but that put something I felt for long into words. Have not posted it though. And probably winn not as I don´t want to end up in discussions.

To live in this world we need the shields between us. That makes up separate. Most people call it “ego” but I don´t like that word. What is “ego” actually? I prefere to call it “identity”. Life creates shields to contain identities to fulfill the experience of life. BUT, as I see it, sometimes those shields is not perefect. There are gaps and holes. Stonger or weaker in different cases. That allowes us to know and feel others. Sometimes we strongly feel being part of, or belong, to another. And even through great distance are able to sense them. It is because there is only distance in the world of life and matter.

Those gaps provide a “peek hole” to the greater world of existence, other levels beyond this world of matter.

This has nagged at me for a few days now. Maybe now my mind can get a rest?

Another one

This time I was biking to the job. My college, the third person and I was working on three different jobs. We all did parts on all three jobs. When I was about to leave for home I asked my boss: you send the payment? He just frowned. So I understood there is no payment. Then I frowned too, thought :so what? Then left.


I think there was two dreams as I woke up and then went back to sleep. Don´t remember the second one, just think there was one.

So, now, still no message of WHAT to do. Earlier when I had “working dreams” it was about working on the wrong system where I could not save my work. Think I had a least 10 of them. This time, one part, is the third unknown person. And the uncertainty of getting payd somehow. In the first dream the third person was leading the work somehow, now it is working beside. Taking part of the work.

Still have no message of what to do?? I´m not starting anything again unless I am shown in what direction I shall go. Spirit! Do a better job! We are part of the same, you know I hate riddles. If you can produce riddles, you´re also able to produce something I can use.

If something has to be done, be specific or I will not work. I´ve taken contol of dreams once before when I got mad enough. I can do it again and destroy the dreams.

Another dream

Dreamt again. This time about work.

My last boss called me to do a days work. He had been asked to do something to see if we could do it and get the job. It was not my regular job, more like an investigation of sorts.
I took the train and worked one day, some persons was involved that somehow guided that work. I did not really see them, was only aware that somebody was there. I never figured out what we were doing even if work was done. In the afternoon the boss came back and talked to the others. I got no message so I packed up and made myself ready to go to the station. My bosses wife came in, are you packing? Yes, nobody said I shall be working with this so I clear up.But they said you were doing a good job she said. Well, nobody told me. My boss was supposed to take me to the station (that is the normal deal since I moved in the real life) We went and I waited for him to tell me if I am to work or not. There was a feeling that I should, but nothing was said.
And that is where the dream ended.

Well, yeah, this is better. But there are still no message to what I am supposed to do. Better, but not good enough. They have to do better or I skip it all. I don´t bother, I have realised that the “living forever” part everyone are so anxious about in fact does not apply to the human that I am. When I die I will stay dead. That is great. If the spirit part wants to live forever it is up to her to work for it. Spirit has to work harder! Not me the human. I have no problem with dying and to stay dead, that will be a relief.

Nothing matters!

This is also one of those disturbing stuff that has been going on the past years.

Like now, a while ago. I woke up, there was promised a sunny day but there are clouds outside. A little voice inside, “so what”!

I am working with those photographs, taking a lot of pics. I started to watch birds, butterflies and even bugs I encounter and are reporting the findings on a Spieces Art Portal. They want to know how the environment are. As I have no job I have time doing this.

I care for my parents, pick berries for them. They don´t have to feel guilty about that as I like picking berries.

My daughter and grandkids mostly needs assistant in money. Then I send them money.

And then brain says, sneaky, inside, like from hiding: It is not important!!!!! Hundreds of times each day it whispers silently. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT!!!!!

SO WHAT!!! SO DAMN WHAT??????? I DON´T CARE. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. IT IS COMMON HUMAN BUSINESS. I DON´T CARE IF IT IS IMPORTANT OR NOT. A HUMAN HAS THINGS TO TEND TO. STOP TELLING ME IT IS NOT IMPORTANT, TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS!
CRAP! When I DO something in the spiritual way nowadays, I still gets smashed. SO, what the hell do you want me to do?????????????????????

I hate this!

Had a dream this morning. And I tell you I dream rearely that I remember, mostly when there are some spiritual stuff going on.

This dream was about travel. I was about to make travel with some familymembers. Overseas. The day for departure was in, but I never even packed. Then I asked what time the train was departing to the airport. Noone had even looked for it, me neither. Had to go home in a rush to seek out timetables and pack. Very disturbed.

So, what does this mean? I read the chapter about Auraura on their site. It was appealing somehow. It turned out to be directed to Lightworkers. If her story is true, which I have no reason, really, to doubt, she had have an interesting live to say the least. And here I sit with just fragments of stuff that makes me feel important. What a laugh.

But there are one thing, I once told grim I will not go anywhere unless the question about “life” and “creation” is answered. He could not give it, but this might give that answer. Maybe!

So, went to that site and tried to order that book. Turned out this is new site not really working yet. They wanted people to order that book without even knowing how much it costed. Anyway, filld out the form halfway to make a question. Got an answer this morning but without the prize. Only what item I wanted.

And then this dream, I did not sleep well tonight and I rarely do that too. So, the dream are probably having a connection to the Auraura site.

Does it mean I shall go there? Or does it mean I am going in the wrong direction again? I HATE WHEN THEY SEND MESSAGES THAT I DON´T UNDERSTAND. I WILL NOT EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. IF THEY CAN´T SEND ME MESSAGES I UNDERSTAND, THEN KEEP QUIET. SHOUT UP! DON´T BOTHER ME!

I REALLY HATE THIS!!!!!!!

Return of the Goddess, COT 070801

Sometimes things gets spooky. This morning a thread, an advertise, appeared on COT. A quick look on it made me wonder. Is it connected to that “message”? Have to look at it some more. I saw some “saving the universe” stuff that might be hard to swallow, but apart from that, there seemed to be something in line with what is on my mind right now.

Well, we´ll see if it is worth while.

Some snippets:
The Mother of Creation, the Source of God and all existence, Auraura (This name being the expression of Her crystalline essence, containing all the colour rays within)

Auraura spoke of her name, “It’s part of your aura, doesn’t it make sense to you, the rays coming through the white light, it is in everything that you see. I did not birth as such, I created, it was a thought, there are colour entities everywhere.”

the ‘Being of Stars’ came again and explained that she is Auraura (pronounced Aurora) The Mother Of Creation, The Mother of God, the feminine aspect or expression of ‘All That Is,’ the Source of life and all existence.


And I call myself Aurora. How can I not react? ;) It certainly rings some bells.

Meaning

Was asked what that message ment to me!

Answer is: Nothing!
Why should it? We all know humans is changing, nothing new about that.

What might be an intersting thing thou is how it was received. If that is what is happening, some kind of direct communication, that is interesting. Hm………thinking of it, that´s what I thought about when my friends telephoneline was crap for three weeks. Was thinking of if it would be possible to establish a brain-to-brain link. But it was not about the center of the aura of course.

Anyway, I two weeks ago I was thinking about taking up meditation again. But now, if there are some kind of evolution going on, maybe I just leave it as it is. Might be wrong to interfere. Or……. I am only feeling important, again……..we like to do that, don´t we. (Big laugh)

Strange message

Just to remember! This morning sitting at the computer I got a message. Can´t say I “heard” it, it was simply delivered. What was strange was that it was received somewhere in the chest-area. Not the brain as it usually are.

The message was simple:

the humans are changing!

What is not right

Don´t know, but as I am writing down what I go through I will tell what´s on my mind. That is purely what I feel, and not to be considered as right in any way.

Was about to write bad things about others. This matter is strange. I´ve been reading a bit on COT as I thought chips thread “Dreams” was rather good.

Reading that, I noticed how everyone avoid the possibility of “death”. And I felt the little bastard inside me as well. So, logged in and made a post. This thread shows quite clear on what stages people are. And all of them seem to believe they are on the ultimate level.

I have also seen that several people that thought they were finished suddenly turn upside down. They are lost. It is not right.

It forms a pattern. You “climb” the stairs and at every level there seem to be different experiences. And every time you think you have arrived. Now you shall stay forever happy. Just to find yourself starting all over again. It never seem to end. Grim read a lot of scriptures, they too tell about a lot of degrees of enlightenment. How can you EVER be sure you´re done?

They are all so sure and have very good advice to give. Yeah, it is in good faith, but it is just faith. They all talk about being One and one counsiousness. And talk about the death of ego and being united with “God”. But………..despite all talk, you can feel that they still expect to be there to know about it. To be able to experience that glorious moment, the victory when they become one with god.

Myself I seem to be more sensitive and transparent. It kind of works on its own. So, the talk about having to badly want it is wrong. You don´t have to feel guilty for not wanting it as a lot of people tries to make you. It´s not about wanting. The “teachers” that wants you to follow them and tries to make you feel bad if you don´t are wrong. I heard them talk about “spiritual maturity” whatever that is. They talk about dangers if you don´t get crazy for the wonders of that wich they can´t describe. The fun thing is that it seems like those who, to me, seems most genuine, talks the less. They are reluctant to push people.

Something else: yesterday was a good day and I felt blessed.
-My friend had finally got her phoneline fixed and wrote me a letter.
-In the morning I picked berries and mushrooms and I had a lovely butterfly sitting on my hand for a while.
-In the afternoon I kayaked to visit my friend the Grebe. She was sitting on eggs for some time. Yesterday she was alarmed when I arrived which surprised me as she was used to me. Not too much though. I saw that one chick had hatched so that was the reason. It was hiding on her back. You want to see pics? Then, visit my photoblog. The link is on the post above.

Sometimes life is good. No need for god.

Vacuum

" _"...............

well...............

................that is what happen when you have several sites. Big GRIN. Dolls on this site. Why not, really! They say we are dolls, right! Pupets for sure. This is me then.

Sindy on her way to the stable

Borrowed one photo from my sisters dolls and dollhouse site. She collects dolls and makes her own dollshouses. Some years ago I started her site but now she runs it herself.

http://lilsdolls.c-sam.nu/lilsdolls/valk-lil/dockskap.htm

Who´s talking?

The other day, talking to my friend about things that comes forth.

I feel like I talk about things that happens behind the curtain. It is like I say things that does not come from the person that I am. Like I am just a vessel. That duality again. Someone use my organs to speak. (Then, why does it not come wisdom out ;) )

.*************************
Other things that does increase is the sense of pointlessness.

Today, when doing the aerobics I was thinking of my mom. She told me that it starts to get difficult to go up and down the stairway. But, of course, if she never goes out it will be difficult. She needs exercise. On the other hand, she has a boring life she says, so why the bother. Don´t exercise and you die faster.

Myself I spend a lot of time with photographing now. I try to capture everything I encounter, then tries to find what speices it is. And put it in galleries and the blog. Then this sneaky thing inside whispers: this is not important, why bother? It means nothing. It is just wasting time!

Sure, but the body needs something to do, can´t just spend years sitting in a chair watching soaps. At least, nature is more interesting then soaps. And, soaps are not an option, can´t stand the stupidities in them. Even if that does not matter either.

So, if you have to spend time with unneccessary things, do it with things that is beautiful. Then you can pretend it is importatant. Better then crap, right?

BTW, if it is so easy to tell me what´s NOT important, why the h-l can´t it tell me WHAT IS then? (Don´t know how many times I said this already.)

Ok, after “final”

There seems to be no final stuff. This popped up in my brain while biking home from a dinner with my parents.

If there was no life in the Universe, would it STILL be cool to be enlightened? Or is the enlightened thing dependent of “life”? What would enlightenment be without “maya” or “life”?

Can awareness be aware if there is nothing to be aware of?

Every “enlightened” being that we know of is still in this world of the living. Can they still be there if life is wiped out?

Somehow I feel like I am only reporting what is happening. I´m not really involved in it.

One final thing

There seem to be one final thing to write down.

Is the Universe static or changing?

It comes back to this question, does it not?

I have always known/believed in changes and evolution. That is what we see everywhere all around us. There is no place where it is not. We are here because the Universe evolves. We are here because the NEED in changing and evolving. There are no way we can talk us out ot that.

In science, so far, they have theories about strings. The “string-soup” might not change, but the individual strings constantly moving. There is nothing that says the “soup” is not evolving. Actually, it has to, or we would not be here.

Now, for the past years, people and writings have constantly tried to make me believe. First in a heaven where one should live eternally. Sounds disgusting to me. Then when I learned about Enlightenment and Awareness they tried to make me believe in “nothingness” and an eternal Awareness without change.

IMO there can be no Awareness without Evolution. PERIOD!

The confusion have caused me a lot of pain and suffering. Every person so convinced of their own beliefs and I knew nothing. Tried to figure out what was right. Then, when even those who claimed to be awakened, starts all over again I finally stoped. LIFE is a constant evolution. On every possible level!

So, my final conclusion, that still is what has been there all along, is an Awareness that evolves. The reason for the Awakened to not see that, would be that they are, still, in human bodies, and those bodies can not notice changes that occurs as slow as I think it does at the basic level.

We are all connected as we are part of the Universal Awareness and as we change, so does the Whole. How can it be otherwise?

Also, about suffering and hardships! If that is what is needed to make us grow and evolve. What would possible be the reason for that? If we shall suffer and evolve only to go back to that unchanging thing we came from? Certainly does not make sence. If The Awareness, All, does not change, then there is no need for us to evolve either, so hardship, or anything else for that matter, is not needed.

To answer the question, we are here due to an evolving Universe.


I AM …….. the Beginning

I AM ….….. the End

I ..A M ………………..

That is what it whispered.

Coming to en end??

I have finished reading that paper about R Rose as I decided to do.

I don´t know if it gave anything, maybe! Anyway I feel like I am finished now. There are no curiosity. I cant see what else there would be to learn about without actually transform. It seems like the “pushing” has decreased too. I have “learned” I guess but I have no clue really what I have learned or for what reason.

I don´t think I´ll write much on this blog for a while. We´ll see. Things can change. When those who was supposed to be awakened suddenly gets nuts and wants to continue, then you can never really know when and IF one EVER gets done.

For now it´s cool and I am happy about that.

So, now I am off to see my dad, he is probably in his last moments. Somehow I wish it was me.

What stage is real?

when one becomes awakened the new idientity is more real then the old one, they say. But is that not the same as the relation between what I am today to what I was as an infant?

The “infant” me does not seem very real to what I am today. And what I will become will see my present “me” as equally “unreal”.


To find “Truth” seems to be a way to become “adult” too soon. Like an infant pretending to be 20 yrs, ahead of schedule.

The “infant” me had to be there for me to become what I am today, What I am today has to be for me to become in the future.

So, what stage is “real truth”. Only the last one?????

Can you jump to the end station and claim that is the only real part of the trip?

Calmed me. Yes!

Have read chapter 17, Revelation. Here the author qoutes bits from Roses books and own words. In this chapter is a description of Rose´s transformation.

And, suddenly, I became calm.

Yes!
I say YES to this!

Thebes

My friend told me that she never experienced two simultainously. So, if I am unique in this, it explains why I always had a difficulty with the “it is not as it seem”-phrase, that everyone just LOVE to say. To me that phrase meant that spirit/soul did not exist. As that is what I felt I am it caused me a lot because the meaning was the opposite as intended.

That identification does not lessen the inputs from the body. They are felt as strong as the body-functions are created to do. But now I understand why people may identify with body. And why this always have been an issue.

It is the same problems with “illusions”. In my situation nothing is seen as illusions. Everything is real. On every level. But I might understand why people likes to think of it as illusions. This too, has been a big issue. Should MY reality be an illusion? Can´t be.


30/11 1995 in Thebes
I bought a ring with Horuseye on it and a necklace-piece. That one has a Serpent wearing the doublecrown, Horuseye and Maat on it. When I was out on the street I got a vision. I was “watched” by what I later described as “the silent one”. The necklace ment: The doublecrown of egypt is me, the body/mind (red) and the spirit/soul (White). The Serpant is the ruler symboled by the crown. The Horuseye is the Watcher (watching but not intervening) and Protector. Maat is the judge.

And this was before all spiritual trouble started. Triggered by male/job crap.

Being Important!

Had a lesson to learn today.

Went to one of the lakes to get some tan today. When I arrived to the spot a woman I met before was there. With her was that wonderful little puppy called Willy. He just loved everything about life. Me too. J

Well, I met this woman about 2 months ago. Then she had another young dog with her. She was sad as she was about to put him to sleep. He was only 9 months but suffered severely from hip-pain. That dog was named Alex, and my first grandchilds name was Alexander. She was so sad about this problem and she said that she would probably never have another dog.

I told her about “my” Alex. He died 7 weeks old. He was such a sweet little one, so beautiful despite his illness. I told the woman that I am glad he died because he would have to live with ..should he live and being an invalid. But I also told her that I never regret that he visited us for that period of time. He gave us so much during that time it overweight every minute of sorrow.

Now she told me that especially the last comment had helped her a lot. To go through that experience of putting a young dog to sleep. I had taken some pics of the dog that day as I sent her on mail. It too had helped. She obviously saw this event as a very special thing. When people told her she took this thing very good she told them about our meeting, and they seemed to take it as a sign, that we met for her to be helped.

I helped her more then I would imagine and now she comes back when I needed it, due to what happened the past days.

Isn´t life just wonderful sometimes? Wether there some intervening or not.

The Double

Rose in Meditation chapter13, still there, it’s a long chapter.

quote from the e-book:
"The principle of duality has been discussed several times thus far in a large, philosophical
sense. The form of self-study described here also allows one to recognize the experience of dualism in one’s own psychological processing of life—as versus direct experience with-out the reactive interpretation and projection—and to reconcile it. A good metaphor for the start of duality or mental division in our early life experience is that of a cassette tape that jams as the flow of tape gets stuck at some point on the rolling wheel, and then doubles up from that point on. One must follow the tape back to its initial point of stuckness and free it. Once the flow continues, there is only oneness of experience and no trace of there ever having been anything else (i.e. sin, suffering, separation, knowledge of good and evil). This reconciliation of one’s psychic splitting off, whether it resulted from a specific trauma which could not be fully processed and assimilated at the time it occurred or simply due to
the birth of the ego (within the individual mind, which is itself a more diffuse form of ego) in childhood, as previously explained, will be seen to directly relate to the ascendance of the observer up Jacob’s Ladder.
Meditation can then be described as having two simultaneous phases or dimensions to it: first, to define oneself properly as an individual human being by correcting the errors contaminating the ego-mind, and second, to back away from that self—and into the Observer. "


--------------------------
This might have something to do with my “duality”. Have to look into that. Was it created during the period when I “run away” from granpa? It was a difficult time, when people did not realise what was going on and then wanted me to act in certain ways. My grandma was in trouble because he was angry as I revolted. My parents was also desturbed by what happened. And I could not tell.

I remember I hold “myself” tight to save “me”. Maybe that double was created then. Somehow I created a "cave" where "I" would be safe. I broke free physically, but not mentally. Seems like I now have to “put myself together, before I dismiss it”.

Encouraging me

My friend encorages me and I mostly dismiss it. As I did now about this insight I had.

So many times different people has told me that I am special, and to me that feels weird, as I don´t see it. But sometimes it got to my head. Some part of me wanted to believe those things. Starting to wait for those wonderful things to happen. That I had a place to fill in helping others. Being important. “Saving the world” kind of thing, you know what I mean. These things never happened and then I felt fooled. So, I try not to listen, or rather believe it, when people tell me nice things. To avoid becoming dissappointed.

Somehow it is similar to my grandkids longing for their father a couple of years ago, but knowing he is liying all the time. He does not come despite the promise given. They hope this time will be different, but no……..

Rose in Meditation chapter13

Finally it is starting to make some sense. I like this! It corresponds with my own ideas.

quote from the e-book:
. To pretend to turn away from the ego-self, while de facto still being at best only the thought of transcendence maintained by this same ego, is to be once again out-witted by the mind. This must be seen. On the other side of the paradox, however, this human self is not to be derisively (hånfullt) regarded as garbage to be thrown out or a sinner to be deprecated(ogillad), as this would still be another subtle form of identification within duality, implied by one’s desire to disassociate from it or repudiate (förkasta) it. This common religious attitude is dangerously misleading.

Personal delusion is better likened to a cancer of a body system, in which the objective is to locate the cause of the disease and remedy it, returning the organism to wholeness and vitality; not to cut out the offending body parts as if excommunicated.

The human being is not the Self, but it is evidently an intended part of its total manifestation. Nonduality in regards to the Self is to incorporate the “self” (purified of the ego that would inhabit it) as a part of the whole picture of reality too, and not something contrary to it. What is required is to allow it to be, truth-fully, as a relative, human self within its own domain—which is within the Self’s larger domain, yet to realize that one is not it.

Tears or laughter

today I don´t know weather to laugh of cry.

It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.

One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.

Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.

Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.

I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?

And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.

Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???

R Rose- Sexuality and the Transmutation of Energy

Richard Rose’s Psychology of the Observer:
The Path to Reality Through the Self
by John Kent

Chapter 11.
oh my…..you have to read it to believe it.

R Rose don´t see to have much to offer for a woman. Have read “man” throughout the paper and here he actually says that Rose has only little knowledge of women search. But he certainly know how to use woman to justify male sexuality. And there are a lot of stuff that, kind of, takes responsibility of the male for his sexuality. Even blaming “evil entities on a different plane of stealing sexual energy”. Thus luring the poor man to sexual intercourse, spoiling all chanses to join with “Truth”.

o my´…………….

Quotes:
it could be argued that female homosexuality is primarily a pathological
overreaction to male failure.

As has been explained, 99% of sex has nothing to do with sex, but is the desperate, futile grasping at some compensation for spiritual poverty.

“Sex is the plaything of (unhappy) animals (who are too tired to fight, or think). Chastity is the right of kings.”

The sexual ideal on the most concentrated, kamikaze phase of the path is chastity and an androgynous mind. Rose states the aim should be temporary, total abstinence from the conscious sex act; “temporary” meaning the number of years it takes to achieve one’s spiritual goal, and the rest of this key phrase simply meaning taking a deliberate vacation from the Nature-game to reside in a special grace period reserved for those who need the free space to seek Nature’s Master, and entrusting to the body that its own internal mechanism will regulate itself while in this neutral state, with no willful, ego intervention born of desire. He has on occasion tempered this ideal by saying that a moderate compromise with Nature is grudgingly allowable after some point of spiritual maturity and intuition has been reached.

He agrees with traditional yogic teachings in recommending moral sexual relations once a month within a committed relationship, if unavoidable or seemingly planned by fate, so long as it occurs without identification or psychological need. There is said to be some benefit to the woman in such an arrangement in supplementing her own vital energy, the energy dynamic involved in such natural sex being analogous to using a car battery with the engine running, which recharges it.
-------
in line with the Law of Progression, that there exist in another dimension, inter-penetrating our own visible one, something he will only call “entities”: beings of some intelligence and willfulness that are a part of Nature and who feed on the vital energy of humans
Furthermore, why would Nature—presumably designed by a Higher Intelligence—contain within it adverse forces that would thwart humanity from reconnecting with that Higher Intelligence?

The full truth of the matter to which the circumstantial evidence points will only become known when all is known.

Rose insists: “I know that there are entities and that they are as real as this physical dimension, and possibly equally as illusory in the final analysis”

Fear of death

Still reading that paper about R Rose. The first chapters made me angry, now in chapter 9 I am so bored. First, the man writing the paper is comparing Rose with every other teacher he can find. It is like Roses teachings cant “stand on its own two legs”. If this teaching is truly pure, it need no comparisons to prove it is real. People who reads it or listen to it would know from inside if it is a true one.

Now they are talking about the body again. How many pages does it take to explain we normally think we are the body ? And, do people really believe that? So far there has been no talking about what I see as relevant. Do you define yourself as the body or as the mind? In this book it seems they like the body. I don´t think people define themselves as a body that much. This only feels like blablabla…to me. Can´t they stop talking and get down to business?

And the eternal question of DEATH. Is all this just a question of mind fearing death? I start to think so. Everywhere in this search it comes to eternal life and cheating death. What is The Absolute, the final Truth? Just a way of escaping “true death”? Mind/ego fooling itself to believe in eternal existence?

Oh my…………..why are they so damned afraid of death?

Living forever

There is another thing I forgot in earlier posts.

Every teaching talks abut fear of death and longing for eternal existence. It is like all work is driven by the fear of death. And yet, the final goal of it is “nonexistense” and merging into awareness. So, this is one of those contradictions.

Never mind, back to me. I am not afraid of dying a physical AND mental death. I don´t want to exist forever. That seems disgusting to me. So, that is another reason why those teachings don´t appeal to me. Why should I work so hard to get something I don´t want? And feel guilty about it? But that is the human part of me speaking. As I am still on this path I guess the spiritual part thinks otherwise. The spiritual part is already eternal I guess, so that is no surprise.

But IMO there might even be different stages beyond the human experience. So, where and when does one die? The scientist in me likes to know that, wants to know how things work.

So science makes me interested. Spiritual teachings makes me mad. And this unknown partner of mine, pushes me onwards.

Hm, the human and the spirit, they are also One because sometimes they Work as one.

Duality in One.

Why do I want this?

Today I was asked why I wanted this. My friend read the blog and came up with this important question. Here is my answer to her.

But I don´t have to ask that question, why I want it! I know that. Thought you knew it too. It is not me, the human woman that wants it. It is my spirit half or some other force that pushes onward. I told you about this duality before I think. Aurora has no real interest in getting awakened. She has no reason to stay “alive” either. But that half is so tired of being involved in this struggle that somehow does not really concern her. And only wants it to be over and done with. And in that situation be told that one shall be determind and this and that, is to be accused for no reason. This past 11 months when I kept a low profile I had no dreams, no visions, no hits. It´s been calm. “Aurora” has been quite happy. But it seems like it will not stay put anymore.

I don´t know who is pushing to be honest, if it is soul, spirit or further up. It can´t be the watcher as that part is just watching. I did have those glimpses and dreams that indicates influences from “above”. But I don´t have the knowledge about who/what is the pusher. It is just “my companion”. We share this body.

Talking about these things is hard sometimes as explanations is different due to which part is speaking. Sometimes when we discuss I feel so clearly that both sides wants to give an explanation and then I got lost and can´t get it together. That is when I go mute. I simply don´t know what to write. Sometimes I wish I just had that ego and nothing else, what ever that famous ego is. This duality is tricky.

I don´t mind he is writing about the hardship. It is good. What I don´t like is that attitude that people HAS to go for it. And should feel guilty if not committed enough. In my case I can´t. I think they underestimate the force that moves people, they think it should be done purposely. I mean, the timeperiods I feel as I was in charge of it has been so short it is not really visible at all. I had/has no saying in this whatsoever.

Crying is back

It´s been a calm 11 months and I have been as close to happiness as I think I can be. But now the crying is back. Not a hit so far, but crying. Think that grims and chips new search together with the Rose´s paper initiated it.

I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?

All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.

NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)

If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.

The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.

I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.

Sitting here

Decided to have my breakfast in front of the computer. I decided that I should read the paper about Rose as soon as possible so I can concentrate on other things.

So far I have read about 70 pages out of about 350. And it just makes me uncomfortable. All those demands on determination, making woves and such, makes me in a bad mode. I don´t have that. It is not in my path. If that is a requirement…..why the hell am I here???????

Why can´t I go about it in such a way as grim does? He is like a kid looking for a new toy. Hoping to fine it every turn he makes. With so much expectations and gladness, so sure it will bring him “home”.

And then Steve made a comment to my blog (in the shortcut entry), saying that it might take only hours to learn “what we truly are”. And it is hard because we decided that it is. To be honest, it pissed me off. I can´t decide about things I am not aware of.

I started to read this paper, and I will, but I think it will take me off that path.So, I´ll finish it as soon as possible. Getting it overwith. Because, so far it has been nothing new, same old, same old, and I don´t expect any wonders. But, maybe I can be able to leave this.

Why does it make me feel guilty? It has done everything it can to make me hate it! And WHY do I have this damned feeling that I KNOW but still can´t penetrate the vail?

God Is Evolving

Selfseeker started a thread in COT that I like. He wrote down some idéa he have. Think it is quite good actually. I have expressed the same idea, but he puts it out much better. :)

http://collectionofthoughts.com/bbpress/topic/287?replies=23

Deep Sleep 070513

My workout sessions on sunday mornings usually presents some thoughts. Nowadays I leave the computere on so I can go and make notes as thoughts arrives. The discussions of late is a big trigger to theorize.

We are dreaming every night. But mostly we forget about the dreams. There is a function that make us forget the dreams. I know there are researches on this, but for now I don´t have the source. Anyway, we all experienced that we dreamt but that morning rituals kicks in and make us forget what we dreamed. We know for certain that we dream each night. Even without memory of it. We have seen our mates, childrens and even pets move in sleep, indicating dreaming.

We also know that some dreams is ecpecially vivid. Never to be forgotten. There are also vivid dreams where you are aware that you dream and in some cases are able to control the dream. I don´t remember much dreams, but sometimes I have the feeling the dream is a message and is purposely made to be remembered.

We also have no feeling of discontinuation despite we sleep dreemlessly.

Now, awareness should be the cause of us not noticing any discontinuation. Awareness is there always, but is not made concious by the mind when it sleeps.

So, what is needed to be able to know that the Awareness is in contol and letting conciousness be aware of it? Not only when awake but also during sleep.

Among the OBE people (I think it was) I have read that they can train their ability to dream Vivid Dreams. And to remember them.

Is it then possible to train our body functions to let “the security level” drop so Awareness can “shine throu it” even when the body sleeps?

Or to take it the opposite way, can the Awareness overrule the body? Can it train the body to sleep when Awareness is still Aware and Consious? Consiousness is the important part as I see it, as that is what makes the mind remember.

Can you teach the mind to leave the door open for consiousness and awareness when body sleeps?

Consiousness is the link between Awareness and mind. When we sleep, conciousness also sleep, but not always. Actually, sometimes we are aware of our surroundings despite sleep. Can that be strengthened?

Which part is the key, awareness, conciousness or mind?

Ok, now I start babbling, soo …enough! Heading outdoors now,

Consciousness and Awareness 070512

Grim shared this with me:


http://buddhism.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=242880

Consciousness and Awareness Source: I AM THAT, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Q: Coming back to sleep. Do you dream?
M: Of course.

Q: What are your dreams?
M: Echoes of the waking state.

Q: And your deep sleep?
M: The brain consciousness is suspended.

Q: Are you then unconscious?
M: Unconscious of my surroundings - yes.

Q: Not quite unconscious?
M: I remain aware that I am unconscious.

Q: You use the words 'aware' and 'conscious'. Are they not the same?
M: Awareness is primordial; it is the original state, beginningless, endless, uncaused, unsupported, without parts, without change. Consciousness is on contact, a reflection against a surface, a state of duality. There can be no consciousness without awareness, but there can be awareness without consciousness, as in deep sleep. Awareness is absolute, consciousness is relative to its content; consciousness is always of something. Consciousness is partial and changeful, awareness is total, changeless, calm and silent. And it is the common matrix of every experience.

Q: How does one go beyond consciousness into awareness?
M: Since it is awareness that makes consciousness possible, there is awareness in every state of consciousness. Therefore, the very consciousness of being conscious is already a movement in awareness. Interest in your stream of consciousness takes you to awareness. It is not a new state. It is at once recognized as the original, basic existence, which is life itself, and also love and joy.

In discussion with grim:
Aurora says:
and it correspond with my thought of awareness and conciousness
.
I think it should be possible to be aware when sleeping, but to stay in awareness is deeper still

Shortcuts

Have to write this down, as I might need it later on, if I get too self-assured.

I am reading a paper that adresses Richard Roses teaching. And, once more, I make the same notion.

Why is it that every awakened master tries to find “shortcuts” for his/her disciples? It seem to be very common and I don´t understand it. Because they themselves were not able to follow another masters created shortcuts. Why do they believe others will be able to follow theirs?

I think it is very bad to create expectations of having an easier path. Because as I see it, there are no shortcuts. It is good that they try to explain what is to be excpected, think everyone needs that, but to tell us there is “easier ways” is to mislead us and make more obstacles on our path. Because we then get trapped in “this is how you go about it” and then you stumble. Only the Universe knows where and how to lead us through.

Hurting

-When the body gets cut or smashed, the body hurts and then it heals rather fast.

-When the ego/mind gets hurt, it is bad. Like when one is mobbed. Can take a lot of time to heal, if ever.

-When both body and ego/mind is hurt, like when abused, it might never really heal. Can be so severe that suicide is concidered.

-If spirit/soul is hurt, that is among the worst things, because it is not visible. When the spirit is hurt, as when I had the “hits”, the body also hurts. When both hurts, it is really bad. It is your pain but nobody can understand it or see any reason for your suffering. And yet, the pain is very real both to the physical body as well as to spirit and mind. The suffering goes to all ascpects of your being. There is no defense against it. Takes a lot of time to recover.

-If ego/mind and soul are badly hurt then ………………..the entire system wants to go into oblivion. Never to be heard of again.

Perception

Sometimes Grim brings up “perception”. Here a snippet of a conversation:
grim: what is the choosing to eat the things you do?
grim: fun eh?
grim: what is the choosing to take the pictures you do?
Aurora: what does that have to do with the subject
grim: is that part of the Universe?
grim: ?
chip: Is it part of the perception?
grim: all i asked was WHAT is the choosing to take the pictures you do?
grim: is it, part of the Universe
grim: you said yes
grim: then, to go back to what i said
grim: The Universe also includes your apparent wanting
later:
chip: anyway...you understand what grim was saying?
Aurora: ya I know, I am just disturbed that I seem to be kept in the damned body all the time
chip: the body is necessary for enlightenment
Aurora: I feel like they hang stones on my feet and throw me in water, I can´t fly
chip: then swim
chip: There is something telling you you can't...
chip: you need to find what it is so you you can tell it you can!
Later:
Aurora: yesterday I realised why I don´t really want to work, or rather I did put it into words. I don´t like the collision between body and spirit. Demands of the body disturbes it.
chip: you seek solitude a good deal that is evident

And then they want me to go over the same stuff again. It is just that I don´t see “myself” as the body. The body is just a tool. Even if the tool mostly covers and hides its inhabitant. The inhabitant, the real me, is always there, listening, seeing, sugesting, needing, waiting. I always had this division. That what is the real “me” is that what is not visible, but more real then the body and it´s senses. I see the body and the senses only as tools to gather information which the “real me” needs somehow. Why the body “wants” things is mostly biology. Other things like “why I am taking pics” is more a way of “wasting time” with something that, at least, feels like a bit good to do. It is not a spiritual “want” or even a human “want”, just something to do while waiting for the bomb to go off. If it does not, well, then I did not waste this life completely, as I did something that was quite nice and some others liked it too.

Yes, the body and it´s senses is also a part of the Universe which I worked hard to make others understand, you can´t separate them. But for now, the body feels irrelevant, I need it to let spirit come first and take command.

It is weird because right now both parts of me is trying to communicate this. Don´t know if it comes thru to anything understandable.

When it comes to the Sutra I was reading, as also some of what grim tries to work with me, I find it is a lot of things already dealt with, and a lot of things that is not needed. Why spend weeks dealing with something that is not relevant? That does not belong to what is “me”. The sutra talked so much philosophy that, that, is what I remember most. What was important became hidden.

...what is “me”?

Grim and I had a “misunderstanding” last night. And this sutra did partly annoy me. Half of the sutra talks of philosophers so it is difficult to see what is actually relevant to the path. It is like trying to find the needle in the haystack. Too much noice around what is important.

Then grim starts to talk about body and its perceptions. That it is “not as it seems”. God, I hate that expression. That is where Eddie got pissed at me too. Why can´t they see that I´m not trapped in bodysenses? Sure, it is “my” host and that what is “me” hurts by feelings and stuff, but only as they relate to the body. Not as they relate to what is really me. The body relay all emotions to “me”. And I am aware of its struggle. But that does not mean I believe “I” am the body or it´s senses. What is “me” has nothing to do with the body, other than it is “my” host. And therefore an interaction takes place.

How frustrating! I take things for what they are and people always put old dogmas into my face. I want to learn about what is beyond the body, that what I feel is me, not about how body works. The body and its senses will dissolve, “I” will not. Not at this time! “I” will keep the memories of the body. Much later it will it dissolves into the Universal mind and takes the memories with it. But that is just memories, like remembering the snake I saw yesterday.

Grim has read too many books and are trapped in various systems. And keeps talking. I can´t devide “myself” into pieces. I can only grow as a whole. He has not noticed that I´m not beleiving that I am the body. As I see it, he has to let go of the wrong idéas. At least understand that I don´t work that way. I don´t understand the body and its senses to be “me”. Makes me question wether he truly knows he is not the body? Why does he have the wrong idéa about me? I need to know where I am heading, not where I have already been.

…is not what you think.

How I hate that expression! When people persists in teaching me the same thing over and over again. Using the same s-t they read in books. I am not a book. I work from a whole, not bits and pieces.

The Lankavatara Sutra

Chapter Five, The Mind System
.
Then Mahamati said to the Blessed One: Pray tell us, Blessed One, what relation ego-personality bears to the mind-system?
-The Blessed One replied: To explain it, it is first necessary to speak of the self-nature of the five grasping aggregates that make up personality, although as I have already shown they are empty, un-born, and without self-nature. These five grasping aggregates are: form, sensation, perception, discrimination, consciousness. Of these, form belongs to what is made of the so-called primary elements, whatever they may be. The four remaining aggregates are without form and ought not to be reckoned as four, because they merge imperceptibly into one another. They are like space, which cannot be numbered; it is only due to imagination that they are discriminated and likened to space. Because things are endowed with appearances of being, characteristic-marks, perceivable-ness, abode, work, one can say that they are born of effect-producing causes, but this cannot be said of these four intangible aggregates for they are without form and marks. These four mental aggregates that make up personality are beyond calculability, they are beyond the four propositions, they are not to be predicated as existing or as not existing, but together they constitute what is known as mortal-mind. They are even more Maya-like and dream-like than are things, nevertheless, as discriminating mortal-mind they obstruct the self-realization of Noble Wisdom. But it is only by the ignorant that they are enumerated and thought of as an ego-personality; the wise do not do so. This discrimination of the five aggregates that make up personality and that serve as a basis for an ego-soul and ground for its desires and self-interests must be given up, and in its place the truth of image-less-ness and solitude should be established.

Then said Mahamati to the Blessed One: Pray tell us, Blessed One, about Universal Mind and its relation to the lower mind-system?
-The Blessed One replied: The sense-minds and their centralized discriminating-mind are related to the external world, which is a manifestation of itself and is given over to perceiving, discriminating, and grasping its Maya-like appearances. Universal Mind (Alaya-Vijnana) transcends all individuation and limits. Universal Mind is thoroughly pure in its essential nature, subsisting unchanged and free from faults of impermanence, undisturbed by egoism, unruffled by distinctions, desires and aversions. Universal Mind is like a great ocean, its surface ruffled by waves and surges but its depths remaining forever unmoved. In itself it is devoid of personality and all that belongs to it, but by reason of the defilements upon its face it is like an actor and plays a variety of parts, among which a mutual functioning takes place and the mind-system arises. The principle of intellection becomes divided and mind the functions of mind, the evil out-flowings of mind, take on individuation. The sevenfold gradation of mind appears: namely, intuitive self-realization, thinking-desiring-discriminating, seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, and all their interactions and reactions take their rise.
The discriminating-mind is the cause of the sense-minds and is their support and with them is kept functioning as it describes and becomes attached to a world of objects, and then, by means of its habit-energy, it defiles the face of Universal Mind. Thus Universal Mind becomes the storage and clearinghouse of all the accumulated products of mentation and action since beginning-less time.
Between Universal Mind and the individual discriminating-mind is the intuitive-mind (manas), which is dependent upon Universal Mind for its cause and support and enters into relation with both. It partakes of the universality of Universal Mind, shares its purity, and like it, is above form and momentary-ness. It is through the intuitive-mind that the good non out-flowings emerge, are manifested and are realized. Fortunate it is that intuition is not momentary for if the enlightenment, which comes by intuition, were momentary the wise would loose their "wise-ness" which they do not. But the intuitive-mind enters into relations with the lower mind-system, shares its experiences and reflects upon its activities.
Intuitive-mind is one with Universal Mind by reason of its participation in Transcendental Intelligence (Arya-jnana), and is one with the mind-system by its comprehension of differentiated knowledge (Vijnana). Intuitive-mind has no body of its own nor any marks by which it can be differentiated. Universal Mind is its cause and support but it is evolved along with the notion of an ego and what belongs to it, to which it clings and upon which it reflects. Through intuitive-mind, by the faculty of intuition, which is a mingling of both identity and perceiving, the inconceivable wisdom of Universal Mind is revealed and made realizable. Like Universal Mind it cannot be the source of error.
The discriminating mind is a dancer and a magician with the objective world as his stage. Intuitive-mind is the wise jester who travels with the magician and reflects upon his emptiness and transiency. Universal Mind keeps the record and knows what must be and what may be. It is because of the activities of the discrimination mind that error rises and an objective world evolves and the nation of an ego soul becomes established. If and when the discriminating mind can be gotten rid of, the whole mind system will cease to function and universal Mind will alone remain. Getting rid of the discriminating mind removes the cause of all error.

.********************************************
The first part of this sutra mostly made me mad. Lot of blaming and talk about ignorant and simpleminded and clinging as opposite of those wise ones. It disturbed me as everyone is not ment to awaken.

This part however tries to explain how it works. Even if don´t think that a ruffled surface perfect. What they say here is that there is “impurities” in the Universal Mind. And that causes the mind-system to arise, with all that comes with it.

That is actually what science has found in later years. After Big Bang there was small parts where it was more dense then elswhere. Causing the worlds to arise and with them, us. And, to me, this is exactly as I always thought. Put on paper in two different ways.

They do make a lot of effort in structuring life, just to dismiss it. But in this part they actually say that the Universal Mind is the cause that creates us. Yet they claim the Universal Mind is perfect. That part does not match. The whole ideá seem to be to calm things down and make the Universal Mind perfect. But they don´t say it as the Universal Mind is supposed to be perfect in the fist place.

Dark Night

The Dark Night of The Soul is when you abandon “God” and religion in order to recognize that you are the Universe.

Usually a process that hurts like h-l and takes several years to go through.

For Grim

I hope you find the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

True Identity

(on Collections) If my true identity is unchangeable, then why i am in this world ??

Aries981 said:
I believe in simple philosophy, that i am the truth and i am never changing. Well then my question is why i am then in this world. Why i am associated with this body. Is this universe is real ??Please help me in finding answers to these questions..


aries981
IMO the belief has a solid base. And…. the universe is real. There is only one Universe and as such, everything is real. (you just don´t know everything!)

If you want proof you can go to science. What science can´t help you with is how to experience it.
If you take your finger and follow it down the line as far as it goes you will in the end come to that what is unchanging. You first has the skin, then molecules, then atoms, then ….. all the way down to what is the web of the Universe, and science yet has to unfold that. It is the same for all things and all living beings. We can´t exist without it. It is our buildingblocks, the very foundation of what we are.

The same happens for yogis that follow the train of thought and mind. So it appers to be the same Universe no matter what way you follow. And it has to be!

What I can´t tell you is how it works, why that “unchangable” creates us. IF IT REALLY IS UNCHANGEBLE! But that would be hard to find out. Personally I am open to that scenario. It is evolving through us. IMO.

Question arises, grim, if it is unchangeble, why do we grow? Isn´t our growth a result of the Universes own growth? CAN we evolve if the Universe doesn´t? Or are we limited to what already is there?

aries, more questions then answers as it turned out.
my Gallery: www.oegallery.com/SpiritualNature
Posted: 2007-04-07 06:35:11