SO ALONE!

Yea, alone. There is nothing left. No family, no friends, no job, no teaching, no love. Of course they are still there in the flesh, but not for me to reach. When I am close to family I feel like a fraud. I act like I love them, but I don´t really care inside. Everything has been taken away.

To have friends at forums is now over. I can´t debate that which they talk about. And what I talk about is not heard or seen. It is like what I say and see is invisible. I talk and scream about what I need to express, but nobody listens or hears.

I even asked no-1-awakens to help me. He wrote one letter and started the usual about what I state. Oneness or devisions. I told him about the brainsplit and the hits, and he did not even respond. I wrote again and asked if what I wrote was poisenous or something. No response.

When grim brought up the white light stuff, Dhogzen, it stirred inside me. I was about to leave COT at that time. But, twice, I engaged in discussion, and bitchy star destroyed it. The last time I invited grim to email-exchange instead but then he droped out the forum.

I could not discuss that with starlight around. Don´t need to hear her remarks about split-mind, like it was a crime, diapers and poo.

It is strange, why did I know chip was not done? How did I know grim wasn´t? Now grim is chasing the very thing I endlessly asked of him and he told me it wasn´t there. When he just spoke of Neither. And refused to see life. And chip has progressed and is finally happy.

And no matter how much I tried to explain I KNOW it is but one thing, he, everybody, claimed I was attached. Because I did not see any illusion I was attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did not matter how much I explaind you can´t take something out and claim half is real half is illusion. If it is but One thing , it is all real.

Now grim chases supreme enlightenment and I am still sitting here on my chair, writing that chit down. C is happy, thanks for that, I hope grim will one day find it. Myself I can´t even begin to think I should have to study thirty years learning things just to dismiss. It is like I should have to know everything about every molecule in this body to be able to live within it. The little I saw from that book of his, the ancient teachings first teaches a lot about the Oneness just to dismiss it as being the same. Just to try to understand it they first apply qualities but simultainiously say it is not. They invented a huge world that means nothing. Dividing things just to say it is not. Very disturbing.