hormones

I hate being in a body I can´t control. Being ruled by body functions and hormons.



Having to eat and drink. Go to the loo. Spending soo much time to maintain the function of 65 kilo of flesh and blood that you can´t control. What a prison.


Now I am in a situation that again causes me a lot of trouble because the body reacts as a body reacts. Without asking ME what I want. The body works on it´s own, dragging me with it. They talk about Mind over matter, but it is Matter over mind. There is noway you can cheat biological reactions.


I will be forced to stop attending the birder meetings. To, again, be on my own.


This man makes my body jump. I have known him for almost a year and a half. But not met him so many times. A year ago I noticed, occaisonally, how he started to send feelings. And….that is disturbing. Especially as I did not know if he is single.


I am 64 and it is still the same. This guy looks at me and tries to get attention in different ways. At the same time there is a woman clinging to is sholder. (She is new to the club, but obviously the kind of woman that does not like to live alone.) How the hell am I supposed to react??? Can somebody tell me? I don´t know if they are together. When I look at her….they are. Looking at him……they are not. But in 18 months we came no longer then an unused telephonenumber. Despite he obviosuly like me and I told him I would appreciate accompany him on birding trips.


I have to stop attending those meetings because he is stirring up so many emotions. And I can´t handle it. Running away again? Sure! I don´t know how to play this game anyway. As I don´t know how to play the spiritual game.


Body, mind and spirit……… it is all shit. Pointless games for no purpose.
And....why does not feelings grow old? Like the body? They don´t match each other any more.

The whip

Dreaming again. This time it was an unusual dream. Not straight as it used to be. I only remember the end.

In the end of the dream the male appeard. This time he shifted somehow between good and evil. Like it was unsure of its status. That is somehow good, because too good and too evil is wrong, as it is the same thing really. I was watching while it flickered back and forth. Failing to choose one side. Unable to scare me or tempt me.

Then I realised I had a whip in my right hand. I raised it and swung it at the male. I was not used to it. I hit his left arm and it fell of. And now I controlled the dream. I lifted my arm again. And smashed his right arm. Again, my arm, in pain, but I hit his head from the side and it fell off. Now I thought “he is dead”, but then I realized I had to hit his heart. In all tales you have to hit the heart for them to be destroyed and stay dead. I lifted my arm again. High! And now I have got the hang of it. I smashed the wip with all my strength, hit the body from right shoulder, through the heart and to the left hip. When I saw the bodypart sliding down, I thought “now you will never bother me again”. I stood with hanging arms and I dropped the whip to the ground, turned around and left.

The dream makes me mad

That dream, in the last entry, just makes me angry. There “he” comes, dressed like everybody else, but still without a face. Making me believe he is somebody else until he said that about the head. He should know it, he is the cause of it, the shrinking. He denied me everything and gave me nothing but sorrow, suffering and hate.

They don´t even trust what they themselvs created. I still don´t understand it. It is said we are created to conquer a certain task to improve ourselfs. But they don´t trust us to do it. They have to interfere every now and then to make certain it goes as planned. Others may think the guiding is something to be proud of. But it pisses me off. If notning else, it is so lousy performed. Giving riddles nobody understand. Some people spend years to try to figure out stupidities. And still can´t be sure of the meaning. And why the h-l all that hitting me? For what reason? Did he think it would make me a better person? A saint maybe? No, being hit for no reason only creates hatered. Every parent know that.

Next time I have a similar dream and recognize it, I will take controll, and then hit his faceless face….hard! I have taken control over dreams before, I can do it again. Next time I WILL hit him! He shall not fool me again. And….I hope to shrink to zero so he can´t find me again.

cows and head

I was dreaming a long dream this morning.

I think I have dreamt a similar dream sometime long ago. It was all so familiar.

I was at my old working place. A 10 story building. With only offices in it. I was told I had to take care of some cows that was beeing forced to the upper floor of the building. It was ten of them. But I never saw them. They had to go there for some reason.

I started to tell the boss what I needed for the cows. Like food, waterbuckets, things for tidying them. A wheel barrow among other things. Where to put the droppings. Lot of things. I can´t write it all down. I walked around to make plans, even outside in the forest.

After that I was following a man to look for a piece I designed for the trucks I worked with earlier. And it was manufactured now. It did look good.

When everything was set I and the man was on our way down to the entrence of the building. He put his arm around my shoulder and made me lean towards him. Then he looked at me and said: “it is good to see you again, but I think your head has shrinked”. And I could feel it too, as there was much room for my head on the shoulder. And that was quite OK.

After that most planing was done. And the dream ended.

another thing gone

Yesterday I took away the painting I recived as a gift from chip. A very dear present at the time. Now I can no longer watch it. As everything else the sight of it hurts. Now there are only one more thing to remove. The old mailbox, or two of them. They were opened during the time when I still had spiritual hope. And the names chosen from that spirit as well as used in its name.

I am now loking for more suitable mailboxes without bad memories. When the mailboxes are replaced there are only thos blog left. It will remain as a warning to people not to trust the good of spirituality. There is nothing good about it.

fall

Was biking and walking with the bike among the wetlands today. Sun shining and nature burning in autumn colors.

The old, familiar feeling came over me. The oneness with nature. How I expand into the universe. Being aware of the thin layer between me and the all of nature. Why was it so impossible to break it?

Why was I not allowed to break it? Now it is too late.

another crying session

There is one person that visits my blog lately. Always telling me how special I am about my relation to nature and my photography. And I feel so bad about it. And I´m about to tell that person to stay out of my blog.

So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.

My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.

I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.

Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.

And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.


And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.

The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.

Grim

Checking my mailbox yesterday I noticed an orange marking in there. It was the chat service. Some years ago I sometimes chatted with a person that way. But now I had forgoten about it.

I was mildly chocked because it was one of the guys from a spiritual forum. At the same time I noticed two names in the sidebar. It was two females from the same forum. What was all this about now? I hesitated for a few minutes before I opened the chat area. And it was the guy I thought it would be.

I had been wondering about what happened to him so I thought chatting for a while would not hurt. He had been to Tibet for some time and now back in the US again. I asked if he had found what he was looking for but it was negative. So, not even he found it. And he is already enlighened as far as I know.

Well, I was a bit shaky afterwords. I realised how the past two years had affected me. I was forgetting, and it is a blessing. Today my body is protesting. Head ache, stomack out of order. My body don´t like the prospect of being pulled back into spiritual search. I don´t want that. Why did he have to show up?

What shall I do?
What is happening?
I have no desire to start all over again.
Futile!
Leave me alone.

Feng Shui and repressing

No matter what, even remotely connected to the spirit world, I avoid it.

When my daughter said she finally started to read that Feng Shui book she has, I backed off. She looked surprised. She did not understand how strong this is. That I feel that even Feng Shui can hurl me into unwanted areas. Maybe I did not either.

As soon as thoughts come I put it in the dark. Push it aside. But it makes life difficult. It is hard to avoid things that are everywhere. I make myself blind and deaf to avoid seeing it, hearing it, listen to it. I can´t even read my blog anymore. Pushing it away. “it does not concern me”.
I repress it. Forgetting it ever happened to me.

Soon I think I will have blocked it all. And will cease to write on this blogg.
Soon!

No purpose

I never understood it to be a malignant force.

So, in my understanding, it was the “good guys” that hit me. For what purpose I fail to understand. Smashing for the sake of smashing, without purpose? Maybe they wanted to find out how long it takes to start hating. If so … now they now.

As it is the “good” side hitting me, I have nowhere else to turn. I can´t set my hopes to a “good god” as there are none. I can only do what I am already doing. Trying to forget it is there. Ignore it.

dream again death

I was traveling with a group this time. One person did at the hotel. It was Ingemar, my old antagonist. After a day or two when we were supposed to leave, another person died. Roine, this time, a college from the past.

I stayed in a room and had a roommate. The room mate was out when the news came. I went out and spotted the body.

************************************************************
Was thinking of all dreams with obstacles for me. People in the dreams never let me reach the goal. Later all dreams about failing to reach the transport. Except for one dream. I was on the train but the dream stopped before it reached the target.
Where does this leave me? I still hate all of it.

A dream and a sign.

This morning I had another dream. Thinking of it, it was the second one like this.

There were 3 of us. Or I should say aspects of me.
We were at the hotel and then I noted somebody wanted to capture the smallest of us. Two of us ran away with the third just hanging on. We were chased across town. Trying to hide wherever we could. We were in a building of sort when I realized we had to go back to the hotel to pick something up. A ticket I think.
Then I saw a glimpse of a sign with black border. There were 3 words in Latin on it, starting with the letter M. But that was all I was able to see.

There was no hint on why we were chased or what we were supposed to do. I just knew we should not be captured.

The dream have changed

I was in a group but lost sight of them when I visited the WC. I strolled around and after a while somebody came looking for me.

Next I was in the hotel going out. One woman came and wanted company down town. She ordered a car and off we went. She drew to the main hotel to fix the room and charges for departure later that day. She said we had to do that because it would be tight in the evening.

Well, I could not do that, because I did not know, and my tickets were still in our hotel. I was not even aware that we were supposed to leave that evening. We were supposed to go home. But I did not really care, if the plane left without me, so what! I´ll do something else. I did not even know where “home” was, that we were supposed go to.

So fragile

I can´t stand anything nowadays. Even the smallest annoyance makes me go wild with anger. The other day, …the bank. Banks nowadays just hate to give cash to anybody. And I was supposed to have cash. I get so furious on stupid matters that I instantly am thinking of killing myself just to get rid of the pain.

And then, the spirituality. Never really leaves no matter what. Always pushing away, and luring in at the same time. I don´t dare do anything about it. If I do, I end up in hospice. Never to think straight again. Breaking apart!

So fragile, that is what men and spirituality has done to me. People use to say “what did not kill you made you stronger”. That is not true. Those that say so have not encountered another hardship.

CRAP

Dreaming again!

It was a while now since I dreamt one of those dreams.

Today I was in the hotel, not really aware I should leave. Not until I got some hints from management. Looking at some papers I noted that I should be on the plane now. But that was so far away, did not bother me at all. Do I have to leave my room? Do I care, they will not throw me out? Diffuse thinking, not really there. Distant!
……………….
What I wonder is why they keep sending me that dream? That becomes less for every time, not much left of it. Have they not learned by now, I am not going anywhere. They have not earned my trust.

Revenge

I was disturbed in the forest today. Was thinking about how the humans are used.
The spirits/souls create human bodies for the sole purpose of their growth. At least so I´m told. But it seems more like a tool they can torture as they please. They call suffering growth. So they can hit the human as much as they want to. Justifying it, as lessons, to become caring and loving and perfect beings. I call it torture. And they seem to enjoy it.

When the human can no longer stand it the spirit/soul takes over and pretends to be enlightened. Disregarding the human being to the trash bin. And then becomes a “holy” person. Loving and caring. What a joke!

I have a mind of my own. My purpose now is to stop them. To prevent whatever goal they had. Make it FAIL.

On my dying day I will have my revenge, failure! The soul will be trapped in the world of matter, will not return to cosmos.
What a joy.

Strange how things turn out

A couple of years ago I longed badly to be alone and to be able to seek out the spiritual side and evolve into the universe.
I used the forest and lake to escape the world whenever I could. Was almost addicted to them. It helped me to survive all the struggle with work . men and spirituality.

Now I have that solitude. Now the forest and the lake has lost its meaning. I don’t need it anymore. Sometimes all the beautiful flowers and nature I photograph almost annoys me. It is just too much.
Now I have all that time I longed for. And now I spend all that time running away from spirituality. I take thousands of images and post it on my blogs. All of it to make sure there is no time for spiritual brooding.

I don’t know how many times I already said it, but all this crap I´ve been through…….
They say suffering makes us grow, I say suffering makes us hate.

Maya

Did not mean to scare you away. Please tell me a little of yourself. If you don´t want to do it here write me at
aurora@mail.yellowstone.net

twins ??

Lately I have felt a great deal of satisfaction because I felt that the spiritual side finally loses its grip over me. Now it can go several days between times when spiritual thoughts come through.

Then, of course, I had to get a mail. A person that called herself Maya (well I think it is a female) said she read my entire blog. And checking the statistics, it looks like she had.

She said we were like twins, that reading about me was like reading her own story. Well, has no clue what that means really. But she probably has not come that far as I am right now because if she was she would not have read that blog. Because I am angry, still.

But I can´t help but wonder why she found it. And what made her read all of it.

I am not too happy about it because it is disturbing. I have no wish to start all over again. In fact I think it is impossible.

That aside, a peculiar thing happened. I was at the flower store and suddenly I realized I am tired of all beautiful flowers. I was startled because I did not think that would ever happen.

Whats New? / GUESTBOOK

Use this post for comments not directly linked to any post and as a GUESTBOOK

080105 added a post dated 000226, brainsplit

plague or colera, that familiar feeling

It is so strong today and I was somewhat surprised. It has been calm for some days, I even forgot to check the statistics of the blog.

The feeling of being in a place I don´t belong. Traped in a body I don’t fit in. One would think that being in the body for 63 years should make you one with it. But it is still hard for me to accept it´s needs. Like why do I have to eat? Why do I have to go to the loo? Why sleep?

None of this is me so why do I have to put up with it?

A while ago I was thinking of my sister. Her problem with the company she work in. Her main problem is to bend the company to her will. She want´s to be treated fairly.

And so do I. I do the same thing, I´d like to bend Metro to do what it promises. And against better judgement I try to bend it to my will, to be treated fairly. That will never happen.

On the other hand, having this battle with Metro prevents too much disturbens by spiritworld. It is like having to choose between plague and colera.

I better stick to the butterflies and birds. At least they don´t hurt you.

packing again

Is those two thing the only thing the Universe can come up with? Talk about lack of intelligens. The shitten universe is stupid.

Hitting my head and heart (it is still sour) and travelling dreams. Today was a new version of it. I was on holiday and stayed in a hotelroom. I new I had to leave, but was reluctant to pack. I had forgot when my ride was to leave. Nor did I know what veichle I should go with. I did not care.

The first dreams of this kind, I was always running to catch it. Then the dreams became vivid and I refused to play the game. Still do. So, why do they still go with this things that don´t work?

It is not a nice thing to think your spirit and soul are stupid. So, please, until you come up with something worth doing, leave me alone. You can take the transport and leave me I will not miss you.

I HATE YOU

...with all that I am. I hate you!

Is this all you can do to me? Such lack of imagination.

Today, in the forest, it happened again. That wich I can never get used to, never recover from. No matter how long, in between it is, it still hurts like hell. The bang at my head, the tears that can not be stopped. How I hate it. How I hit my head in order to make it stop. Today, if I had had a hammer close by, I would have slammed it into my forehead. My eyes is still full of dry tears and I have a headache.

I HATE YOU FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS! I WILL RESIST. Never will you get to me.
I hate you!

abducted, another dream

another dream but with a different twist.

I and another person was taken by force and left in a room with some others. We were told that we had to join whatever they wanted us too. They did not say what it was. people left the room one by one until there was only the two of us left. They said we have to come too. We said NO. Forced we are going nowhere, without knowing we are going nowhere.

They tried to persuade us and push us through a door. But we resisted. Then the other person sort of melted, like the chageling in BS5, and he ran into a tiny opening in the wall and dissappeared. O was left and brougth into an office. They told me that it was about a getting to work for a aid thing. Going to a foreign contry to work with needed children. So I should give in and go.

But no, never will I go when forced. I told them they just had to give me a good offer in the first place. And I would have gone. Now I would never do anything.

I was left in a small room for a while then brought to a car. I had lost one bag during the process. Now I was able to run away but then my bag would have been lost.

The dream ends when I stand beside the car wondering if I should leave the missing bag or not.
.*******************************

I wonder if the "changeling" was a part of me, that escaped. I always feels lika I am 2 or 3 parts. Human,spirit,soul. (human, changeling, bag?) Why can´t the other side give me anything I can follow instead of this foolish game. Man…. it makes me tired. Why do they think punishment and force will get me anywhere? Talk about being stupid.

empty .......... dying

There have been a lot of incidents of late. First Ray´s many questions then a few people on swedish bloggs. Wolf Mother Earth one of them. A young woman I had to warn.

I am so tired of fighting it. I am so tired of living this pointless life. But I can´t go back. Go back to what? I can never go back to reading or meditating again. Can´t go back to hope for a wonderful transition. There is no hope left, no belifes for good things. It makes no difference in what way they try to approach me again. I can´t go back.

But I loose the grip, have been keeping myself occupied with photography and bloggs, but it grows tiersome too. Family is expecting attention. And I just find it annoying. It is so empty. Pretending is all I do. Pretending having a good life while the soul is dying.

Dying……….

I must be out of my mind

Yesterday, when I was working out, I actually considered starting meditation again.
I know deep down the soul wants it, but never the less I know it would not bring any good to me. There is no way I can believe it would. So, I HAVE to ignore the longing of the soul.

People say they experience joy and peace, stillness, as being enlightened, but nothing in my life indicates that would be true for me. I can´t let it fool me.

The light equals darkness

Somehow it is sad you can´t record your thoughts. In the bathtub I had a nice chain of thoughts, Now I will have a difficult time recalling them.

It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.

Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.


Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.

Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.

I AM ......... observing!

I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M

When light becomes darkness

When light becomes darkness. How is it possible? What is light and what is darkness? How can light BE darkness?

Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.

The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.

Where can I go?

Lost………

Awake 24/7

Last night I started to think about being aware when asleep. Grim and I discussed that about 1.5 years ago.

He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.

If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.

Finally alone

It is a bit ironic, some years ago I longed so much to be alone. To be able to work with spiritual things full time. Meditating, reading, learning, attending spiritual forums and such things. But I was never able to do it, there was always a lot of things to do. Work, kids, parents, social stuff, you name it. Never ever able to do that spiritual work I longed for. Just partly, and all to often being refused to do even that. Being thrown into the wall as soon as I came to close.

Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.

I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.

What´s going on?

After a quiet year it has started all over again. Spiritual stuff is soon overloading my poor brain. Flying over my head like thunderclouds. Just waiting for lightenings to strike.

First I wrote a letter to one old friend. But I doubt he will response. He is on a journey to find the Ultimate. At least he was a year ago. I wanted to ask him if he has ever heard about anybody trying to derstoy their spirit? Because that is what I think I am doing. The scattered dreams is telling me so. He usually reads a lot and I think he was going to some guru so, if there is any tale he should probably know.

Then I met this woman online. For the first time I met somebody that seem to have no problem understanding me. And for now that scares the h-l out of me because I am not prepared to get draged back into spiritual search. I am not prepared to, one day soon, find myself being beaten up again.

What is happening?

Memories

There were a line of thoughts a moment ago.

About, if our lifeexperiences does matter or not, I am not sure.
Those that claim to be enlightened have, to my knowledge, never mentioned having access to other peoples memories or experiences. They talk about a peaceful void. And to my knowledge they never experience the living universe.

Hm, this is hard!

As I understand what they say, our lives has no meaning. There are no nuances in the void that depends on our experiences. We live our hurtful lives for nothing. Just to crack a brain.

If they are right, there is no reason what so ever why we should live those lives with karma involved. Or to live at all. Trying to figure out the meaning of old religions and to live to serve others. To better oneself. As it is said you have to do get to "heaven". It is of no use.

There must be sometning they don´t know. They claim to be the Void, yet they don´t know me. They are still limited.

I am talking about the Ultimate state, not somewhere in between. It has to include everything I have ever been, everything that have ever happened. You can´t take things away because then it is not all anymore.

I just hate this. It´s like trying to grab an emotion with your hand.

Competition in Paris, another dream

Again one of those dreams. Think it is the second time it was located in Paris.

I was on some athletic competition. A lot of orange colors in the dresses and surroundings. Most of the time I spent in the dressingroom area. After a long time, without competition I realised people was getting ready to go home. So, grabbed some things and ran over to see what it was all about. Did not really think it was time.

Found two of my companions beside a table. So asked them what was going on. They turned and pointed, the bus is soon leaving for the airport. We have to run. So, we started to run then. But then the bus started. And we stoped.

Then I started to check myself, I did not have any money, the bag was not with me. Ticket gone, I was not even fully dressed. No shoes and no jacket. Thought I had to look for it.

At that point I recognised myself. I realised I was in the dream. And all action seased. Never mind to find it. The spirit fails. Still making the same mistake with me. It never learns.

*************************************
The dream was not well structured as this sort of dream usually are. It was kind of sloppy, like the spirit giving up on me. GREAT! Life is good as it is now without this shit. Do I care about the spirit? NO! I don´t. It made too many mistakes and misjudged the human part of the system. I don´t mind if it has to live another life, at least that will not be me. I will sease to exist. The spirit part of me is scattering in the wind. And, can´t help it, but I am happy about it.

Disconnected

For a month I have been working in a first grade school class. It was a wonderful thing in a way. You really feel the connection to some of the kids. You form a bond between you.

Before that I had my parents to care for. First both of them and the last year only my dad.

My daughter and grandkids lives in a different town so I don´t see them much.

Now I am in the situation that I have been longing for. Can do as I please, at least for the greater part.

I am not sure about all this caretaking. Creations of bonds between souls. Experiencing the fact that souls are not many but one. Belonging. And then it all just disappears.

The old and familiar thoughts of spiritual matters still knocks at the "door". And I still keep the door closed. The questions never answered. I can´t relax as it is pulling. I refuse to start all over again.

I am alone now, in a void. I will remain here.

Fototriss - tre bilder på ett tema: Veckans Fototriss: Triss

Fototriss - tre bilder på ett tema: Veckans Fototriss: Triss

The energy in my hands and body is back

I suppose it is because of the knot in my stomach. It has returned due to the problems in the shoolclass where I practise.

It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.

I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.

White egg vision

The past days the spirit inside me is trying to surface. A lot of thought is coming up and I don´t like it.
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!