another crying session

There is one person that visits my blog lately. Always telling me how special I am about my relation to nature and my photography. And I feel so bad about it. And I´m about to tell that person to stay out of my blog.

So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.

My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.

I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.

Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.

And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.


And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.

The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.