2006-10-31

Offline

Will be offline for a few days. Now is moving time. Don´t know how long, it depends on if the equipment I need has arrived.

Been to the forest and lake to say goodbye. It was rainy so, suited the event. The forest has been very important to me. Always comforting. Giving so much. The snakes, snok, are sleeping now but they said goodbye in august.

A sad day, but a small feeling of joy also starts, hopefully it shows the way into a new future.

2006-10-30

Backwards

061030

What is this? Can´t it just leave me alone for a couple of days?? I don´t have time for it.

48 h from now I am on my way with all stuff to the new town. And I need to work.

Got connected to Grim this morning, as well as last night with a few more people. Grim is persistent. But he don´t see it my way. It is like we are in different corners and equally stubborn. Told him today I will not accept a universe that don´t explain why I am sitting here. To say there is but One and then deny a part of it. I don´t buy it. If you day All. It is All.

The Universe is life. The basic is the stillness they talk about. But it forms what we are. Our temporary selves are part of that stillness. There are movements and forms within the stillness. There would be no awareness if there was no movements. We would not think if it is as still as they say. I think it is just hidden from us all due to the brain. It can´t handle that truth.

Chip said she goes backwards in the chakra system. Isn´t that the koan, “the mountain is again a mountain”?? That is kind of my cornerstone. We need all aspects to be able to be “the whole”. You can´t leave Maya out. My senses is as much the Absolute as anything in spirit form. You only see the “reality” from the present point of view.

I think that S:t John of the Cross put it something like this: As long as in human form you can´t see it all. No matter hoe much you think your done. The only way to be All is to die from the body. Leave the human form. Then, maybe…………

Now…..please leave me alone for a couple of days. I need the brain for more mondane things.

Watcher……..where are you?

2006-10-27

New Forum

As the DarkNightOfTheSoulForum .com seem to have shut down I have created a new forum for this blog. It can be used to leave messages or just to tell your story. Hopefully there can be some activity with time. For now I can´t promise any great wisdom, as I don´t have it.

http://auroradnots.proboards52.com/index.cgi

2006-10-26

How many shall die?

How many of me are there? How many are there to be eliminated? The part of me that was Ladyhawk has already been eliminated.

The past week has been turbulent. Lying in bed this morning allowing thoughts to come and go at will. Not long ago I felt the Watcher reaching out and caressed my cheek. Analysing the past days and the behaviour of the Watcher and Aurora. The Watcher sneaks in to watch every now and then. It is a weird feeling to sob heavily and at the same time watching what is happening.

The Watcher seem to be affected of the struggle as well. Both parts is cracking. If I am right both the Watcher and Aurora will crack simultainiously. Then what?? Is there more parts?

It is a tough ride and I don´t really think that Aurora earned it. She is a quite nice person, why is it soo hard on her? And why does the Watcher seem to be in trouble too? Is this “normal”? Whatever normal is supposed to be.

There were more to the last week. I still have a post to make on the butterflies. Will do it later today. It will be dated 061020.
"Butterflies and energy" is posted.

See also: 2006-09-23 Two of me

2006-10-25

They say we create our own world

They say we create our own world. But I am not ruling the entire world. I don´t create everything and everyone around me to put shit in my face.

This is where I stop. I am tired of this sick games and evil universe. It´s only pleasure seem to be abuse.

If it weren´t for my parents, I would have………

2006-10-23

The working issue

We talked about the working issue the other day.

Of course I know that it is not the work that is the problem here. The wish for silence and solitude is not a “wish”, it is an urge. Not consiously coming from me. It is deeper than that.

Using ”I” in an normal way here.
I don´t dislike my job. It is a good job and isn´t even boring. It is just that my mind is off to other places. Disturbed by having to think of “unimportant” things like engines and computer problems. And that I have no saying in this matter. If boss says “working”, I have to work. And this week it really have been thumb down. The work for clients was finished. But my boss kept me at the office anyway. Having me working with his dream-engines. Work that NEVER will come to production. I felt like I am sitting in a kindergarten for adult males. It would have been more useful being home packing and cleaning. My back is starting to ache and need to slow down.

I am also tired of men never get their woek done. I have been waiting 6 weeks to receive the project I was supposed to do. Still have not seen it. Then, if it comes, I will have to travel a lot and the work probably should be finished last week. L After 45 yrs I am tired of it. But can do nothing.

So, what is the problem then? Sure, it is inside of me. Work itself is not a problem. It is the way I feel about it. I try to ignore it or switch to “watcher”, has actually done that on and off for some time. Not really being aware of doing it. But still think I could do without this kind of job.


Growing potatoes and carrots would be much more satiesfying. Letting my mind go about it´s own business.

2006-10-22

Why am i resisting this?

Why am I resisting this? Why am I being pushed instead of walking freely?

When I was younger, around 30-40 yrs, meditation and yoga periods worked more of less as people say. Made you calm for a while. When I had some difficult times in the 50:s I started, again, to meditate and did yoga. All I wanted from that was some peace and quiet as life was quite turbulent. But this time it went totally wrong.

The peace and quiet was nowhere to be found. When I looked around to different religions and such I became aware of that reincarnation might be real. Somehow it sounded like fair, as some people has very poor and hard lives. On the other hand I had a real problem accepting that I might have to be “aware” for an eternity. That the liberty of death might not be true at all.

Now, what is the better choice? Being enlightened and be aware for eternity? Or just die? The body dies, Aurora will cease to exist, but the spirit will again take another lifeform. But not Aurora. She will never think again, soon also forgotten. So, in a way, I am dead, forever, eternally! What a relief!

Then, what is the reaction of the spirit? Do I have to care about it? Is it my business?

I know, this is fear, fear of having to live forever. That is a disgusting thought. I find “eternal awareness” repulsive. What I wanted was death, and to stay dead. Not to be an everlasting awareness.

Can I change it?

Cleaning windows

061022
Closing in on M-day I decided to clean all the windows this weekend. There are 3 rooms and a kitchen windows. With small and large windows it made up to 9 windows. Each one having 3 glasses. That makes 27 glasses with 2 sides. All in all 54 sides to clean. Opening the windows I realized that this is the year when all the seal-tapes has rottened. NOOOOOOOo, has to take it all away. That was NOT fun. And the sleepingroom window. The balcony was changed a year ago and the window painted on the outher side. I could not open the window. They closed it before the color had dried. So, now it was impossible to open and the inner glasses is not cleaned.

Have you ever cleaned a large livingroom window with 3 glasses?? The outher sides are no problem, but the rest. As there are 3 glasses you can´t open them as much as you should need. So, when you clean the inner part of the glass your back is scrubbing the other glass that is not yet cleaned. Then when you turn and clean the other side you turn your dirty back to the cleaned window. Fun, ain´t it???

Then you realize that what ever you do in life you affect other lifeforms. This weekend a lot of spiders either died of became homeless. Not that I love spiders that much, but they have a life to live too.

Somehow I can relate this cleaning to the spiritual path I am on. You are planning the work as to how is normally is. Then obstacles appear. Things you did not expect. And it takes double the time you have counted on. And a lot of things surfaces that you did not count on. Those 4 windows took me about 8 h to clean. All in all. Disturbing a lot of spiders.

I tried to use the Watcher mode when I started to get annoyed, but only manage to do it partially. Don´t even know if it was the Watcher or if I happily fooled myself.

chip, at least I tried.




edited:
later I remembered one thing. The red plastic bowl that I used for the cleaning is the very same bowl that my daughter had her first bath in. She is born 1968. Sometimes things lasts. :-) I will keep the bowl even if this is now one of the things I will leave behind.

Dark Night Of The Soul Forum

I am adding a link, in the linklist, to the Dark Night Of The Soul Forum. If you need to talk, this is a place to go to.

http://www.darknightofthesoul.org/

2006-10-20

Butterflies and energy


Oddly enough I did not have it as much when it comes to the move. And I expected to have it. Once, several years ago, I read that it is a “woman thing”. Female stomach nerves. Maybe it is. Anyway, I can´t pinpoint any specific reason for it. Sometimes it is obvious, like when you are to perform in front of an audience. Other times I have no clue to why it is there. And that is most every day. Like when I had the the gymclass for 2-6 year old kids. Every time I went there I had these butterflies. Or when I go in the forest, suddenly it is there. Why? There is no reason for it. Even when watching TV. I never manage to figure out why it comes. Sometimes it is only the stomach, sometimes it spreads over the chest and up the throat. Combined with energy surges it goes down to the limbs, hands and feet. Tingling. Like it is now. Sometimes the head and vision is also affected.

Sometimes I feel like the heart beats heavily. But when checking I can´t physically feel the heart at all. It is like I don´t have it. If I am sitting down I usually try to calm it down.

There is no reason for it as I can find. Maybe it is womething wrong with nerve-endings. It has nothing to do with stess. If it were it would not come in the forest. The only reason for gymclass would be fear of some kid hurting themselves. Never happened. Except for some bruise of course. Then, why is it here now? Because I try to get an answer?? Am I afraid of the answer? I don´t know. Should I be?? Too much questionmarkes in this post.

Guess I have to live with it. Am used to ignore it anyway. It is only when combined with energy that it becomes disturbing. The tingling sensation makes me rub my hands and move the feets and body. Got some tips on how to get rid of it, but it don´t work.

2006-10-18

No matter how much I try

No matter how much I try, I can´t switch reality.

It does not work to imagine you are the Absolute looking through the Watcher. I can´t pretend to be what I am not. (I know…. don´t say it, my system have no way to realize it, so I am still trapped.)

“I” am still here, getting too little sleep. Too much to throw away and pack. Too much tolerances on engine parts. “I” can´t ignore it. Woke up at 5AM, got up and packed the stereo in a box.

Tow, the homework I was given, will take it´s time. I don´t think my brain can keep up right now. At least not today.


Now…. off to work.

2006-10-17

Duality

Friend, I think you have dulity too. You see the empty shells, the living dead, as separate from you. The living dead with an autopilot. That works separate from what is your present awareness.

In my version it is the body with limitied awareness that hosts and protects the soul so it can be aware of the world. I have long time thought that the body actually could manage without the soul.

It has to be united. Not two, but ONE. Your awareness is different from mine, it is on another level. But as I see it it is still seems to be duality. Am I wrong?

2006-10-13

Measuring tape

Was ”talking” to my friend yesterday. About understanding things “enlightenment”.

I said, well… sort of, I wished for a more modern vocabulary instead of the limited understanding of 3000 yrs old wisdom. In the old days they had not the knowledge of nature that we have to day. I would whish that new understanding would apply to modern men and to be compared to scientific knowledge. Not only to ancient people. At least to me it creates misunderstandings. Especially the concept of “illusion”. And “nothing exists”. And the fact they say The Absolute is EVERYTHING and NOTHING but yet limiting it saying “this or that is not real”.

It is like the two ends of a measuring-tape. The tape is “infinite”! The “first” 10 cm is the human beings and material world. The “last” 10 cm is the Absolute awareness. Or is it the opposite? Does not matter really!

Both ends claims that the other end don´t exist and not the middle part either. Their respective part of the tape is the only truth. They are equally wrong. It is as wrong of the human being to claim that spirits and Absolutes don´t exist as it is for the Absolute to claim that human and Maya don´t exist.

EVERYTHING is in existence. Both human senses and the awareness of the Absolute is limited to their respective environments. Both sides has to acknowledge and experience the other side as well as every inch between them. (Metaphore) There are breaches between the ends but the middle seems to be forgotten entirerly.

Unless that is not done, I say you are not finished.

And now, how the h-l is my “hits” and Dark Night connected to this above “knowledge”?
And how does the "misfortune" in life apply to it? Very acute these days. :-(

2006-10-12

Stay away ...from this shit

If there is anyone reading this I just want to give a piece of advice.

Stay away! Stay away from churches, religions, forums and books. Stay away from spirituality, what ever that means.

Keep yourself busy with life. Play with kids, do gymnastics. What ever keeps your head and body busy. If nothing else works, computergames is an option!

Because you are a slave. “God” is hunting you, but not to make you happy. It is hunting you to hurt you. To play evil games with your mind. To throw you into the walls, headfirst. It is happy when you are crying. It muses then. I have cried billion of tears. An ocean, and yet it is not satisfied. It don´t even allow you to die, twice already it has “saved” me. (Wonder if a third try will work?? But I doubt it.)

People say you rule your life. I say I don´t. Every time I try to make something work, it is thrown into pieces. NEVER turns out as I wish. Like work now, “god” is still playing games with my life. Teasing, hunting, hurting, backstabbing, never comes to a solution. What was supposed to be a better life turns out to become a hell-like situation. If it wants me to become insane, why the h-l doesn´t it do it??

And they say “god” is good. It is the worst kind of slave owner.

So, stay away if you can.

(To be fair I have to say there are a few people that are very helpful. But they are rare. Have encountered only two so far. One of them used to read this blog. Sad enough, they can´t really help, just comfort. But that is needed.)

2006-10-03

Too much

It has been too much trouble and pain, I am beginning to reject it. Turning away.

SDF and work

Think I have to stop visiting the SD- Forum. Lately there has been two jackasses on there. Harassing people. That kind of people comes and goes. Leaving lots of hurted people behind them. Never minding that.

I have a hard time seeing that. Innocent people being hurt. And myself, I hesitate posting any serious thoughts as I don´t want it to be dissected by stupidity. So, I don´t say much anyway. Then I get myself into foolish attempts to make them understand. How stupid of me! It´s impossible as they thrive on it.

But, if that is how the Universe likes it, who am I to argue???



Work. Seems to be a big joke too. Now they persists on discussing a long term job. And I am moving. If I have to take it I will have 3 h traveltime a day, and a lot of costs. Shit!!

Suitcase

Am off work today and sitting at the computer.

Suddenly I remembered I had dreamt this morning. Strange, usually don´t remember any that long afterwords.

Anyway, I was travelling but had been on one location only. When I was about to return home something came across that made me have trubble checking my packing.

At the bus to the airport I realised the tickets was still in the suitcase. As I had to bring it out I was taken behind the desk to open the suitcase. Was looking through it but did not find the ticket. A man came to assist me. Then I found the ticket in a folder to the right.

When I was looking through the stuff I realised my bag was much to big. Didn´t need that for the “one location trip”. Next time I would choose a smaller one.

end of dream

Guess it has to do with my moving. Posting it anyway. NOW, packing again. Never ends.

2006-10-01

Nothing is Absolute

This is an interesting thread on SDF. Will post something on this later.

http://spiritual-forum.net/iboard/index.php?s=2d41f328f1d9a5e934ee5a9b1937b0cb&act=ST&f=1&t=4092&view=getlastpost

Now

Thought this post was a good summarize of "Now".

Posted: Oct 1 2006, 05:27 AM by shin in “NOW” on SDF

Here and now ... means:
your mind is where your body is.
IOW, breathing in, one knows one is breathing in, breathing out one knows one is breathing out. Typing a reply one knows one is typing. Pondering how people will interpret a post one knows one is pondering how people will interpret a post.

Planning the future, one knows one is planning the future. Reminiscing about the past one knows one is reminiscing about the past.

Our body is always in the present, never in the past or the future. Therefore, as long as body awareness is present one is forced to be in the here and now.

In the here and now, body and mind unite.