No respons

OK, so far I had no respons from you. As I doubt that you did not get any of the three I sent, I have to conclude that you did not understand and prefered to ignore it, instead of asking what it means. Maybe my language is too simple to understand for somebdody used to read scriptures. Or maybe you think I am lying when I say I am not in charge.

Never mind, we both know we can´t only talk about deers. I will miss you dear friend.

Aurora

additional: in the last mail you mention Microsoft and Yahoo. It is strange. You think the two of them are able or wanting to spoil our conversations. But you don´t think that the spirits in the astral world, or Rigpa, should have the power or want to do it. And yet, you do believe in them, that the astrals exists, don´t you? You have indicated that guiding is real, then why can´t interference be real too? I will not write to your emailbox again. If you want to talk about anything, you are welcome to respond to this post.

To chip

OK chip, now I sent the same mail from three boxes, lets see if you get any of it. If not, respond to this so I know, please.

I think it is possible to create a blog in here where we both can post. Without anyone else seeing it.

Isn´t it strange, how one has to struggle to keep a friendship going? Why is that? What does it mean? I did hear that voice saying "let chip go". Is there a connection?

Oceanliner

Had a dream this morning:

I got a job onboard an oceanliner. Then, after leaving the harbor, we went through a canal. I and another girl saw the opportunity to walk alongside the ship while in the canal. But then it was impossible to get back on to it so it sailed away. The other girl and I was terrified, what to do now, we was supposed to work on that ship. We searched for phonenumbers and other means to contact the ship, but failed. We got lost in a large city without money trying to find a way back to that ship.

Then I started to realise it was a dream and struggled to wake up. When I was halfawake I got mad. Here we go again. They stoped me from what was happening in that meditation and now thay are hunting me with dreams. And, no small train this time, a huge ship was needed.

I went back to sleep as it was still early. Had another dream. But it was not that clear:
I was with the two geologists on a short trip to africa. But there seemed to be no real agenda as it used to be. Just going here and there, planless.

So, now…. am I to be hunted for leaving the “path”? Let me remind you, spirit, whoever you are, I was not the one stopping my progress without any explanation. Get off my back and accept it. You will have to live another life. And that without my ID. “I” will be dead and gone then and you will have so start anew. And, yes, I do feel a bit, nice, revenge. And…………don’t bother my dreams anymore!

Right or wrong?

Do you have to be “god” to be considered right?

I have been thinking about being ignored or considered wrong. Often treated like an unknowing teenager. Wonder why?

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am considered wrong ONLY because I didn´t write the old scriptures.

Was thinking about the converstion with grim about karma. It is wrong. I am NOT responsible for what was decided before the birth of this body. The identity of this body did not evolve until it was born. So……..I had nothing to do with that. As I see it, the spirit (a parasite to this body) tries to fulfil this undertaking of which I am unaware. Of course there is a conflict between the two. The spirit uses clues like “guiding”, dreams, visions to try to inflict certain behaviors in the ID of this body. And do so badly. It has to learn to give clues that is understandable to the ID of the body. As it is now…………I only get frustrated and angry because the spirit don´t leave me alone. And I don´t understand what it wants.

The two parts I always feels, are very real.

As for awakened people they seem to live with both ID and what they call Rigpa or Absolute. From the start they claim they reached the ultimate state. Never the less they keep evolving. Never seem to be done. The body ID still limits them. And that is very frustrating to me. I don´t want a halfway, halfdone sort of reality, when you never know where you are. To me there should be no “illusion” of ID. In my mind there should be Rigpa experience the creation, not creation experience Rigpa. If you go back and forth you are still the ID of the body. Or the remaining spirit. Don´t know. There should be no Aurora experience Rigpa, there shall be Rigpa using the ID Aurora to experience life. Aurora shall have no existence of her own. Rigpa playing that part of Aurora. There should be no Aurora to say “I” or “me”.

The title of this post is “rigth or wrong”, so I ask, am I wrong to think Rigpa should be everything? Only because I have not opened yet. Am I wrong? Or are people maybe afraid I might be right and they are not done? Why do they feel the need to confirm it in old scriptures? I see only one reason, they are not done. There are remaining ID:s that needs confirmation. Ego still wanting, feeling good about being so evolved.

When or if, it opens to me, I expect “me” to dissappear completely, leaving ONLY Rigpa, a constantly moving and changing entity. That knows it all. That IS all. Able to tap in anywhere it wants to.

Obsession

Yesterday my former boss called me. He might have some work for me for a few days. And maybe even a longer one. Lately I have been doing dance-aerobics, paddling, and done a great deal of what I really had to do at home. What a change. Life seem to go back to whatever is “normal”. Is this spiritual obsession over? Can´t say I miss is so far. It really is an obsesssion, even an addiction. So hard to deal with.

The only thing with getting back to work is that my dad will not get that food he is used to. And personal care. He reacted rather good to the news so far. Anyway, it might not be anything after all. Just wait and see.

“Life” is strange though!

Chip is strange too. Sometimes she just ignore questions. Wait them out so I will forget about it. Don´t know if she don´t want to answer, or can. Or maybe she thinks my thoughts is so stupid she don´t want to hurt me. Kind of love that woman anyway, even if we never met in person.

Does not matter anymore. It is fading away.

Quiet

Just realized that it has been unusually calm in my head the last week. Not entierly free from spiritual speculations but almost. Feels good for a change, I hope it stays that way now.

Another nice day

Dad was happy when I arrived today. As it was a rainy day yesterday I went shopping. I bought a heater for him. He is always cold nowadays. No internal heat in him any more, but that is because he is 81 yrs. He was happy now as the heater worked fine, Dad had been warm all night long.

Dooked us some cabbage-soup for dinner. Dad liked it a lot, neither of us had eaten it for long. So it was good.

After some wacuum cleaning I left and went for a long walk in the sun. It is fun, but it seems like I always react like a fish when it is days like this. Never thought of it before but O always open my mouth, turn the face towards the sun and drink, eats the sun and the air. To really consume a lot of it. Stupid maybe but I like it.

Took some pics of course, then sat at Viren for a while before heading back home.

Hopefully there will be more sunny days. It is very much needed.

A good day, after all

Started out with some problems. My dad is cold. Never seem to get warm. I have been looking for some aditional heating system but find no good one. There are a lot of heaters with glowing hot threads in them, but I don´t dare put one of those close to him. He might fall upon it and burn himself.

Well, after lunch I biked to the lake. No clouds on the sky and not much wind either. Temperature +3۫C. Perfect!Took the kayak out for a tour. Spent about 1.5h on that lake. Nice! Had some fun with layers of thin ice here and there. Played the game of ice-breaking. lol

In the evening I had a dance aerobic class to go to. The teacher had a funky coreography. It was fun. Still able to follow and to catch the movements. Surprised me a bit to be honest.

This photo brought me an award as aFeatured Photographs at OE-gallery

At least I don´t have too…

…. see things that annoys me. Like people sitting on working hours stealing time from their employers. And then think they are very spiritual.

…..watch the bitch, the one that made it through. Now it seems very convienient don´t it, she never has to feel guilty again. She destroyed a lot of good people by her hatered. Now she is all good. I never saw her appologise to anyone, only through the bad things under the carpet with her broom disguised as “love”.

Well, I did not set the rules. So maybe I am the one that is wrong. As it seems it is mostly the evil ones as well as those with drogaddict problems that makes it through the veil. And I will never use that. I have only seen one exeption to this.

The major rule of my life has always been fairness and kindness. I didn´t see any of that here.

Stored in basement

Took a walk in the forest this afternoon. Cloudy, dark and wet. No snow to lighten it up.
Was thinking about what happened in the meditation this morning. I am prety tired of being stopped whenever I try to do something, but to have a rubber coat thrown over me was too much. Like it was used to putting out a fire. I felt the emotion of panic there for a while.

Now I took the Dzogchen book (typically I now have learned to spell it), the CD I recieved yesterday and the meditation equipment and I sput it in a cardboardbox in the basement storage room. It will stay there until I have recieved some information from those idiots that are running this pretending to be in charge or whatever. (“ego speaking”)

What I demand to know is:
WHAT am I supposed to do?
HOW am I supposed to do it?
WHEN am I supposed to do it?
and
FOR WHAT REASON!
What´s the point of this charade?
Is there a goal?

For gods sake, make an agreement on how to deal with this. Or I´m not playing along any more.

Rubbercoat

Got and tried the Yoga Nidra CD yesterday. Did not think it was so special as they claimed. But what is nowadays? You did get relaxed though.

Today in meditation I was trying to get somewhere. Meditated whit the aim of revealing something from Rigpa. To open up, in the third eye and the head chakra. Got some results at expanding the aura, it started to move. Dim light floating and a surge through the body. Like that. Then ….like something realised what was going on…….the damned thick sticky rubbercoat was thrown on me.

What the hell is this? Why am I not allowed to open? Are something waiting “for the right moment?” Am I supposed to save the world in a given time and not allowed to awaken before that? It is stupid. Why the hell am I supposed to wait?????????????????????????????

Nobody can blame me for thinking this is ridiculus. This “rubbercape” seem to be a never ending story. Always there to stop me.

Really, I hate this!

Compassion

In the Dzochen book I read about Compassion.

The first noble truth is “the truth of suffering”, they say.

To know your own suffering so well it expands to the entire creation. Well, as far as I know I don´t lack that. Even as a young kid I felt sorry for those that abused me.

The book says:
In short then, genuine compassion is cultivated when we have two factors within our mind. The first is a deep insight into how suffering is the nature of life in the cycle of existence in general, along with a feeling of its unbearebleness. The second is to realixe the sameness of ourselves and others: we all have the natural tendency to seek happiness and to try to avoid suffering.
and so forth……….. that insight would lead to a genuine compassion.

So, if one is born with it? Are you to be extra punished then?

I seem to have most of the qualities the book says (if I get it right), why am I not going anywhere?

Today I see it, act upon it, but do not bother as much as I used to. It did bother me to feel sorry for those who hurted me.

The life of thoughts

sent a question to chip yesterday:
“There is something I´ve been wondering about for some years now. They say you shall stop the thoughts. But what about the “movements” that occur in the thoughtless mind? In the meditation this morning “I realised” that it was like summerclouds changing shape and form constantly. You know, this sudden knowledge without thinking it. Are those movements also considered “thoughts”. It is kind of nice, a soft touch to it.”

Her answer was: “Yes, they are considered very subtle thoughts. Good for you!! Treat them the same way you've been treating the more gross ones.”

So, that is thoughts too! Very nice thoug as they had no subject to talk about. J

In the meditation this morning I encountered something else. I was listening to the thoughts. I already know that all thoughts is not “mine”. So, while listening to them I thought “they have the right to live too”. Then I pushed them aside instead of “deleting” them. It was like hearing somebody talk in another room. One can listen if one likes or one can ignore them.

Once, many years ago when I was training the mind to block thoughts, I had a very fun experience. There was a thought that actually hid itself from me. Looking up behind the eyebrows as a kid behind your sholder. I think that from that day I always thought about them as “entities”. They really like to live, don´t they?

In the Dzogchen book they don´t seem to agree whether things exist or not. And what criteria it has to meet to exist. Some seem to think that whatever changes is polluted and therefore nonexisting. Only static is “real”. It is disturbing that the different schools don´t agree on certain things.

I can only go from what I have experienced. I don´t see a static, nonmoving universe as “real”. I see the flowing everchanging universe as real. And everything in it. I have experienced the emotion of frustration as a darkbrown bar floating through two people. Thick and large enough to be touchable. I have noticed love coming as a separate “package” between two people. I have noticed thoughts with “it´s own life”. I have seen the world go transparent. Tenderness with the color of green. I have passed throu invisible doors in the forest, being welcomed. I have meet a young man with a huge aura. So big I had to step aside to make room for it. A week later it was back to normal. Everything seem to be separate within the same unity. The invisible sensed. As it is all One, a part can not be polluted.

Can I say some of my experiences is polluted or unreal? No I can´t.

Think I stop there for now. Will be more later.

Who´s thinking?

When I walked in the small forest today, on my way home from dads, I let my mind “free”.
It is strange because when I do that, when I don´t really “think” about something. Thoughts just pops up, more or less randomly. Sometimes I wonder, who is thinking those thoughts? Those thoughts don´t seem to be connected to me. Is it just something the mind does when it has nothing better to do?

Happens a lot nowadays.

No reading but theory

Have not read anything in that book for a couple of days. My head is full of it anyway.

I´ve been thinking about awakened people. They are strange! Like this last one I read about. Once he was awakened he started, as it seems on his website anyway, to read and study a lot of religion and old sacred texts. Most of them seem to do that. Wonder why? I mean, once you are there, what fun is it to read about it then? That "leftover" part of mind really wants to know what happened, and it keeps them back. I think!

It seems to me that they are not really done. Not the way I think it should be anyway. I might be wrong but that is how I feel about it.

It seems like they all have a bit of identity/ego left in them, connecting them to the bodies. It is human with a Rigpa experience, not Rigpa with human experience.

It is said that the experience has to be strengthened in its abiding in Rigpa. It seems to be able to go back and forth. Slowly making Rigpa stronger then “ego”. It seems like even a backpain can draw one back from Rigpa. I think that is strange. Rigpa should be aware of the pain in the body but should not be affected by it. Certainly not be pulled away because of the body ache.

It seems like this awakening process is a process of a prolonged birth. Several “pushes” to bring the Rigpa forth. Then a period of adjusting the “sight and awareness” from blur to clear sight and knowing. Going back and forth until the pendulum stops and all is known.

So, to go to where my instinct tell me, it seem to be a 20 more years journey at least. Then… what the point of it when this body is 82 and ready to die. Then, there has been a huge effort to get hold of a body to look throu, just to loose it again.

Doubt that the book will be of any help. I am not like the others. I have this picture but the instructions that gives in the writings is not helping me to get there. Just some verifications is found.

Boring

Was reading a thread at COT. It was a good description as far as I can see of awakening life.

BUT, then I found it totally boring. Am also thinking of the book I am reading. The Dzogchen one! Half way through it, and I get bored. Somehow I already know this. Seen it before, it is already in my head. Getting bored! Why am I not like the others, being so exited?

One answer popped up. All my life I have found it boring to watch sports. It is only fun to do it. I find it useful at times to read about other people and see movies, but not often. Once things is recognized it gets boring to read it or see it again.

I want to DO things, not live it secondhanded. I don´t like living through others lives. I don´t like watching, I like doing. So, now I know at least that. It gets boring to read about awakening as soon as it is understood. I have to live it.