hormones

I hate being in a body I can´t control. Being ruled by body functions and hormons.



Having to eat and drink. Go to the loo. Spending soo much time to maintain the function of 65 kilo of flesh and blood that you can´t control. What a prison.


Now I am in a situation that again causes me a lot of trouble because the body reacts as a body reacts. Without asking ME what I want. The body works on it´s own, dragging me with it. They talk about Mind over matter, but it is Matter over mind. There is noway you can cheat biological reactions.


I will be forced to stop attending the birder meetings. To, again, be on my own.


This man makes my body jump. I have known him for almost a year and a half. But not met him so many times. A year ago I noticed, occaisonally, how he started to send feelings. And….that is disturbing. Especially as I did not know if he is single.


I am 64 and it is still the same. This guy looks at me and tries to get attention in different ways. At the same time there is a woman clinging to is sholder. (She is new to the club, but obviously the kind of woman that does not like to live alone.) How the hell am I supposed to react??? Can somebody tell me? I don´t know if they are together. When I look at her….they are. Looking at him……they are not. But in 18 months we came no longer then an unused telephonenumber. Despite he obviosuly like me and I told him I would appreciate accompany him on birding trips.


I have to stop attending those meetings because he is stirring up so many emotions. And I can´t handle it. Running away again? Sure! I don´t know how to play this game anyway. As I don´t know how to play the spiritual game.


Body, mind and spirit……… it is all shit. Pointless games for no purpose.
And....why does not feelings grow old? Like the body? They don´t match each other any more.

The whip

Dreaming again. This time it was an unusual dream. Not straight as it used to be. I only remember the end.

In the end of the dream the male appeard. This time he shifted somehow between good and evil. Like it was unsure of its status. That is somehow good, because too good and too evil is wrong, as it is the same thing really. I was watching while it flickered back and forth. Failing to choose one side. Unable to scare me or tempt me.

Then I realised I had a whip in my right hand. I raised it and swung it at the male. I was not used to it. I hit his left arm and it fell of. And now I controlled the dream. I lifted my arm again. And smashed his right arm. Again, my arm, in pain, but I hit his head from the side and it fell off. Now I thought “he is dead”, but then I realized I had to hit his heart. In all tales you have to hit the heart for them to be destroyed and stay dead. I lifted my arm again. High! And now I have got the hang of it. I smashed the wip with all my strength, hit the body from right shoulder, through the heart and to the left hip. When I saw the bodypart sliding down, I thought “now you will never bother me again”. I stood with hanging arms and I dropped the whip to the ground, turned around and left.