Why do I want this?

Today I was asked why I wanted this. My friend read the blog and came up with this important question. Here is my answer to her.

But I don´t have to ask that question, why I want it! I know that. Thought you knew it too. It is not me, the human woman that wants it. It is my spirit half or some other force that pushes onward. I told you about this duality before I think. Aurora has no real interest in getting awakened. She has no reason to stay “alive” either. But that half is so tired of being involved in this struggle that somehow does not really concern her. And only wants it to be over and done with. And in that situation be told that one shall be determind and this and that, is to be accused for no reason. This past 11 months when I kept a low profile I had no dreams, no visions, no hits. It´s been calm. “Aurora” has been quite happy. But it seems like it will not stay put anymore.

I don´t know who is pushing to be honest, if it is soul, spirit or further up. It can´t be the watcher as that part is just watching. I did have those glimpses and dreams that indicates influences from “above”. But I don´t have the knowledge about who/what is the pusher. It is just “my companion”. We share this body.

Talking about these things is hard sometimes as explanations is different due to which part is speaking. Sometimes when we discuss I feel so clearly that both sides wants to give an explanation and then I got lost and can´t get it together. That is when I go mute. I simply don´t know what to write. Sometimes I wish I just had that ego and nothing else, what ever that famous ego is. This duality is tricky.

I don´t mind he is writing about the hardship. It is good. What I don´t like is that attitude that people HAS to go for it. And should feel guilty if not committed enough. In my case I can´t. I think they underestimate the force that moves people, they think it should be done purposely. I mean, the timeperiods I feel as I was in charge of it has been so short it is not really visible at all. I had/has no saying in this whatsoever.