Sitting here

Decided to have my breakfast in front of the computer. I decided that I should read the paper about Rose as soon as possible so I can concentrate on other things.

So far I have read about 70 pages out of about 350. And it just makes me uncomfortable. All those demands on determination, making woves and such, makes me in a bad mode. I don´t have that. It is not in my path. If that is a requirement…..why the hell am I here???????

Why can´t I go about it in such a way as grim does? He is like a kid looking for a new toy. Hoping to fine it every turn he makes. With so much expectations and gladness, so sure it will bring him “home”.

And then Steve made a comment to my blog (in the shortcut entry), saying that it might take only hours to learn “what we truly are”. And it is hard because we decided that it is. To be honest, it pissed me off. I can´t decide about things I am not aware of.

I started to read this paper, and I will, but I think it will take me off that path.So, I´ll finish it as soon as possible. Getting it overwith. Because, so far it has been nothing new, same old, same old, and I don´t expect any wonders. But, maybe I can be able to leave this.

Why does it make me feel guilty? It has done everything it can to make me hate it! And WHY do I have this damned feeling that I KNOW but still can´t penetrate the vail?