It´s been a calm 11 months and I have been as close to happiness as I think I can be. But now the crying is back. Not a hit so far, but crying. Think that grims and chips new search together with the Rose´s paper initiated it.
I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?
All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.
NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)
If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.
The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.
I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.
I am now certain of shich question I need to have answered. But that seem to be out of range. I have two options. Which one shall I chose?
All demands that Rose comes with just makes me angry. But the anger is not about the pain in itself. If there were a good reason for it I would stand it. But there seem to be no good reason.
NOBODY, and so far Rose too, has been able to tell me WHY this is important. Yes they say you have to work hard, have to stand a lot of pain, work for years to avoid traps. Bu subtle and cunning to get to some place they can´t even describe. And that place is never changing. So, all this suffering, as I see it, is in vain.
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN AND TEARS IF THERE IS NO RESULT IN THAT WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BECOME? IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING, WHY DOES IT NEED ALL STRUGGLE AND PAIN? (and I don´t need any comment that says “it doesn´t”, that would piss me off)
If it is ever not changing, there should be no reason for this pain that is supposed to make us “grow” and come closer to and finally be absorbd by the Absolute. If there is no change in the Absolute we would not be here. There must be a reason for that pain and struggle.
The second piece I need answered is why they all dismiss the world? Motions in Awareness created us. How can they say nothing changes? It is impossible.
I am not sure I can finish that paper or continue this. Am I strong enough to go throu this again? I don´t know yet. The next couple of days will probably show me.
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