Bad

Don´t know what to say really. I´m all messed up. Was reading that AB had a profound experience. With what happened lately with myself I felt bad about that. Not yealous, but bad. His work seem more of less done now and I never seem to get out ot this.

If this is truly “what we skall want” and “free will to do it” then why am I in this condition? I thought it had calmed down again. But no. I know that ab has investigated the “apparent” for some time now. Tried it, tasted it, smelled it. But I can´t do that . I can´t pretend that the universe, or parts of it, is “apparent”.

There is noone to talk to. I tried to get new friends as I am getting lonely. But those who was interested then don´t continue. Somehow they popped up and dissappeared. The photographing has come to a halt. Soon there will be nothing to do. It´s like it is cursed.

When I sat here I heard the mail dropping to the floor. Went to see what it was. It was a pamflett from some church. Well that was timely. I got so angry I took the pamflett. Put it in a pan and burned it on my balcony.

Everyone seem to “pull over” but me. Why can´t I do this? And as I can´t do this, why does it not leave me alone? They don´t let me live my life as I want it. Why don´t they then help me to get across? Why give me “messages” I have no clue what it means? Am I supposed to do something? I don´t dare anymore, because every time I tried to do something I was smashed. I can´t allow that anymore, not if I can avoid it. Next time I get hit I will sharpen that knife. And use it! There will be no “saving” next time.

I CAN´T DO THIS, PLEASE……….LEAVE ME ALONE

Lately I have been thinking of the purpose of writing this blog. Maybe there is still that tiny hope that ……….I don´t know.......