Flow of life

Went to my parents this afternoon. Found my mum in a very bad condition. She has no strenght left and are crying a lot. She just want to die now. Everything is just hard work for her. My dad visited the bank today to get some papers that will allow me to withdraw money from their account. So, this is the beginning of handing over their economy to me.

I felt as I am “standing” still with life flowing around me. I have this feeling of warmth for her, but it is like I am only watching from aside. I don´t “have” the emotions, I just play them out. Don´t think she notice the difference anyway.

This happens a lot nowadays, being centered with life flowing past me. Somehow like that trainvision I had when I took care of J&M a couple of years ago. When I was watching my life going on outside the train windows.

Mother expeience
When i got there today my mother (she is 85 yrs) was angry. I took her and led her to her chair. I was kneeling and holding her arms. She was crying and struggling. Then I somehow is “centered” My mother and I was united partly, like siamese twins. Then I felt a package of “love”, sort of, being sent from "my" body to "hers". And she relaxed. But “I” am just watching everything happening. I got confused somehow because I am not sure who we are. If we are separate or a unit. I also sense very clearly my dad being there. Watching and a part of it. (He WAS sitting in a chair in the room).

And this is my daughters birthday.