This is the first time I seen it mentioned apart from my own experience. The brainsplit! Though mine did not have the fancy lightings. Mine was only the two hands grabbing the brain and split it. (See “How it started "Am I tricked" 2000-03-12”) And mine was not healed.
Eyes of the Maharshi
By N. R. KRISHNAMURTI AIYER
Quote from the article:
“As it went on, I began to witness certain changes in my body taking place. I saw a pair of serpents rising from the base of my spine in a crisscross, spiralling manner. They rose to the crown of my head and spread their hoods. One was red; the other blue. The whole cranium became suffused with a bright light. My attention was fixed upon the point between my eyebrows where the serpents’ heads were pointed.
All of a sudden there was a splitting of the skull from the top front to the back. This was followed by an upward gush of a reddish flame shooting out from the top of my head. While this was flowing out, a stream of nectar issued from the single breast of the Ardhanareswara form of the Maharshi and a second stream of nectar flowed out from the top of Arunachala. Both streams landed on my head and sealed the break in my skull.
When the skull was sealed I experienced a brilliant light, like that of an arc lamp, and an indescribable joy and coolness filled my being. This light and joy continued for several hours.”
http://www.realization.org/page/doc1/doc109b.htm
2006-07-11
Snakes and moving
I am going to my parents town tomorrow to look for an appartment. I was happy about it but……..
This last encounter with the snake made me wonder. If I move I have to leave them. Are they important to me? Answer YES. Guardians are supposed to give messages, how do I find out what it is?
Their forest is cut down, piece by piece. Maybe there are no forest in a couple of years.
Never thought this would be a problem. :-(
This last encounter with the snake made me wonder. If I move I have to leave them. Are they important to me? Answer YES. Guardians are supposed to give messages, how do I find out what it is?
Their forest is cut down, piece by piece. Maybe there are no forest in a couple of years.
Never thought this would be a problem. :-(
2006-07-09
Close encounter
Was telling somebody about my “guardian snakes” earlier today. I use them as guardians when I meditate. They occur a lot in my life. I will tell more about them later. This happened today. The swedish name of that snake is Snok.
Had another “close encounter” with the snake. Same speices as before. I was sitting at the rock by the lake. The same place as last time. I was reading, using my backpack to lean on. When I looked up I saw it beside my shoes. Heading towards my butt. I had the legs a bit above ground. I was still. When it reached my butt it moved beside it below my legs. Touching me. It followed my body up at the side. Went under my left arm and continued up beside the backpack. As I only had a bikini on I could feel it the whole time on my skin. When I did not feel it any more then I leaned over to see where it was heading. About a meter away it stoped and looked back on me. Then headed for the trees.
It was a nice soft feeling when it moved beside me. Touching me.
2006-07-08
Contradictions of the Absolute
Last eddied: 060708
Last week I got some old questions answered. Maybe it is “counting down” now.
Here is some remaining issues of or about the Absolute. I will quote things I have heard or seen written about the Absolute. I might ad things in this post as I come across or remember things. I just write it down as it comes. No particular order.
The Absolute is, or is said to:
1 Nothing and NO THINGS
2 Everything and ALL THINGS
3 Consiousness
4 Awareness
5 Creation / Maya
6 But creation and Maya don´t exist
7 Is still, no movements
8 The Dreamer
9 I AM
10 Everyting is scriptured
11 No free will, see scriptured
12 Has no interest in you
13 Need you to come back to source
14 Has no needs or wants
15 Has your best interests in mind
16 does not bother with your problems
17 You have to go through “hell” to get there (there?)
18 It does not DO anything BAD to you (yet it dreams my life)
19 If anything GOOD is happening then The Absolute is responsible
20 The creation / Maya is ILLUSION
21 ILLUSIONS don´t exist
22 You have to want IT
23 It “kicks your ass” to clean you so you shall become worthy
24 You as human, don´t get enlightened, maybe the soul does
25 You are already THAT
26 Kill the Ego
27 The ego can´t be killed totally, it is needed to “run” the bodyfunctions
According to science and physics there are actually only energy of some sort. So a lot is not contradictions even if it seems to be.
The Dreamer, that is the Absolute, dreams this dream. It dreams everything that happens to you, but is still not responsible for what happens to you. Does not the Absolute know what it dreams?
I certainly know I am not this body that is typing and thinking. Most people seem to advance through scriptures and religion. I seek answer elswere, because I seek answers to what happens to ME. Mostly I just hate it.
You have no free will, yet you are blaimed for “not wanting this badly enough”.
Why is it that you have to be beaten to be cleaned? Is not love a better way to “raise a spiritual child”? I have been very close to hate a vast no of times.
Why do we have to suffer for past life karma? To be blamed for “wanting to change the deal” when you know nothing about it, just pisses one of.
Seems to be a lot. Will probably need a couple of more lives. But then you have to start it all over again and again and again. What´s the point in doing that? The Absolut is curious and wants to experience it all. That is my take on it. No other meaning.
The body wears out in a life-time. Maybe it takes several life-times to wear out the soul before it “dies” and gets into the Absolute.
Enlightened people say they are THAT, but never claims to speak the word of the Absolute. How can they BE the Absolute without speaking the words of it?
Does the human need the “soul”?
Last week I got some old questions answered. Maybe it is “counting down” now.
Here is some remaining issues of or about the Absolute. I will quote things I have heard or seen written about the Absolute. I might ad things in this post as I come across or remember things. I just write it down as it comes. No particular order.
The Absolute is, or is said to:
1 Nothing and NO THINGS
2 Everything and ALL THINGS
3 Consiousness
4 Awareness
5 Creation / Maya
6 But creation and Maya don´t exist
7 Is still, no movements
8 The Dreamer
9 I AM
10 Everyting is scriptured
11 No free will, see scriptured
12 Has no interest in you
13 Need you to come back to source
14 Has no needs or wants
15 Has your best interests in mind
16 does not bother with your problems
17 You have to go through “hell” to get there (there?)
18 It does not DO anything BAD to you (yet it dreams my life)
19 If anything GOOD is happening then The Absolute is responsible
20 The creation / Maya is ILLUSION
21 ILLUSIONS don´t exist
22 You have to want IT
23 It “kicks your ass” to clean you so you shall become worthy
24 You as human, don´t get enlightened, maybe the soul does
25 You are already THAT
26 Kill the Ego
27 The ego can´t be killed totally, it is needed to “run” the bodyfunctions
According to science and physics there are actually only energy of some sort. So a lot is not contradictions even if it seems to be.
The Dreamer, that is the Absolute, dreams this dream. It dreams everything that happens to you, but is still not responsible for what happens to you. Does not the Absolute know what it dreams?
I certainly know I am not this body that is typing and thinking. Most people seem to advance through scriptures and religion. I seek answer elswere, because I seek answers to what happens to ME. Mostly I just hate it.
You have no free will, yet you are blaimed for “not wanting this badly enough”.
Why is it that you have to be beaten to be cleaned? Is not love a better way to “raise a spiritual child”? I have been very close to hate a vast no of times.
Why do we have to suffer for past life karma? To be blamed for “wanting to change the deal” when you know nothing about it, just pisses one of.
Seems to be a lot. Will probably need a couple of more lives. But then you have to start it all over again and again and again. What´s the point in doing that? The Absolut is curious and wants to experience it all. That is my take on it. No other meaning.
The body wears out in a life-time. Maybe it takes several life-times to wear out the soul before it “dies” and gets into the Absolute.
Enlightened people say they are THAT, but never claims to speak the word of the Absolute. How can they BE the Absolute without speaking the words of it?
Does the human need the “soul”?
2006-07-06
So many things.......
....has been said so many times. I know them in my head and my heart, yet I am not done. Will I ever be? I heard the same things said and written by science, physics, mystics. I understand them, I know them yet………….
…….. this dragonfly never get wings.
…….. this dragonfly never get wings.
2006-07-05
If the map
Is scriptures more important then what happens to you? Are your experiences not real if you can´t find it in old books? Should you ignore your own experiences and trust what others experienced centuries ago?
If the map and nature does not match, should you trust the map??
If the map and nature does not match, should you trust the map??
2006-07-04
Dark Night, St John of the Cross
I was looking for more info yesterday. Made a search for "Dark Night .."+forums. On several places this appeard. It seem to explain even what I call "hits" or blows" they call it "bursts of raw energy that from time to time may course through your being." That energy that throws you headfirst into a wall and makes you crawl like a worm on a hook. It also explain why it comes back again and again. There is not one and then you are finished. It also explain why nobody seem to be able to help. I have been frustrated because I have had people doing a lot to help. With no result. I felt like a jerk because I was not able to follow advice. Well, anyway, now I know what happens to me is not uncommon. Even the "hits" is explained. What is left now is how many more will there be?? With all that I have had, I must certainly be very clean in the end. Just hope that the process of cleaning don´t kill the patient. I wish I had seen this 6 years ago, would have spared me a lot of dispair and mistrust. ;.)
http://crypt.eldritchs.com/wicca/darknight.html
Dark Night Of The Soul
"The Dark Night of the Soul" is the name given to that experience of spiritual desolation that all students of the Occult pass through at one time or another. It is sometimes characterized by feelings that your occult studies or practices are not taken you anywhere, that the initial success that one is sometimes granted after a few months of occult working, has suddenly dried up. There comes a desire to give up on everything, to abandon exercises and meditation, as nothing seems to be working.
St.John of the Cross. a christian mystic, said of this experience, that it;"...puts the sensory spiritual appetites to sleep, deadens them, and deprives them of the ability to find pleasure in anything. It binds the imagination, and impedes it from doing any good discursive work. It makes the memory cease, the intellect become dark and unable to understand anything, and hence it causes the will to become arid and constrained, and all the faculties empty and useless. And over this hangs a dense and burdensome cloud, which afflicts the soul, and keeps it withdrawn from the good."
Though the beginner may view the onset of such an experience with alarm (I know I did), the "Dark Night" is not something bad or destructive. In one sense it may be seen as a trial, a test by which the Gods examine our resolve to continue with occult work, and if you are not completely whole-hearted about your magical studies, it is during this period (at its beginning) that you will give up. The Dark Night of the Soul should be welcomed, once recognized for what it is (I have always received an innate "warning" just before the onset of such a period), as a person might welcome an operation that will secure health and well-being. St.John of the Cross embraced the soul`s Dark Night as a Divine Appointment, calling it a period of "sheer grace" and adding;"O guiding Night,O Night more lovely than Dawn,O Night that has united the lover with his beloved Transforming the Lover in her Beloved."
When entering the Dark Night one is overcome by a sense of spiritual dryness and depression. The notion, in some quarters, that all such experiences should be avoided, for a peaceful existence, shows up the superficiality of so much of contemporary living. The Dark Night is a way of bringing the Soul to stillness, so that deep psychic transformation may take place. All distractions must be set aside, and it is no good attempting to fight or channel the bursts of raw energy that from time to time may course through your being. This inner compulsion to set everything aside results in the outer depression, when nothing seems to excite.
The only thing to do is obey your inner voice and become still, waiting for the inner transformation, (which the "Dark Night" heralds), to take place. You may not be aware for a very long time of the results of that inner change, but when the desire to work comes again and the depression lifts, the Dark Night has (for a moment) passed. No one can help during this time, and in many cases there is hardly anyone to turn for advice. One must disregard the well-meaning advice of family and friends to "snap out of it" this is no ordinary depression, but a deep spiritual experience which only those who have passed through themselves (in other words to a magical retreat) but for many, as the routines of everyday life prohibits this, all you can do is cultivate an inner solitude, a stillness and silence of heart, and wait, (like a chrysalis waits for the inner changes that will result in a butterfly) for the Transformation to work itself out. There are many such "Dark Nights" that the occult seeker must pass through during the mysterious process of mitigation. They are all trials but experience teaches one to cope more efficiently.
http://crypt.eldritchs.com/wicca/darknight.html
Dark Night Of The Soul
"The Dark Night of the Soul" is the name given to that experience of spiritual desolation that all students of the Occult pass through at one time or another. It is sometimes characterized by feelings that your occult studies or practices are not taken you anywhere, that the initial success that one is sometimes granted after a few months of occult working, has suddenly dried up. There comes a desire to give up on everything, to abandon exercises and meditation, as nothing seems to be working.
St.John of the Cross. a christian mystic, said of this experience, that it;"...puts the sensory spiritual appetites to sleep, deadens them, and deprives them of the ability to find pleasure in anything. It binds the imagination, and impedes it from doing any good discursive work. It makes the memory cease, the intellect become dark and unable to understand anything, and hence it causes the will to become arid and constrained, and all the faculties empty and useless. And over this hangs a dense and burdensome cloud, which afflicts the soul, and keeps it withdrawn from the good."
Though the beginner may view the onset of such an experience with alarm (I know I did), the "Dark Night" is not something bad or destructive. In one sense it may be seen as a trial, a test by which the Gods examine our resolve to continue with occult work, and if you are not completely whole-hearted about your magical studies, it is during this period (at its beginning) that you will give up. The Dark Night of the Soul should be welcomed, once recognized for what it is (I have always received an innate "warning" just before the onset of such a period), as a person might welcome an operation that will secure health and well-being. St.John of the Cross embraced the soul`s Dark Night as a Divine Appointment, calling it a period of "sheer grace" and adding;"O guiding Night,O Night more lovely than Dawn,O Night that has united the lover with his beloved Transforming the Lover in her Beloved."
When entering the Dark Night one is overcome by a sense of spiritual dryness and depression. The notion, in some quarters, that all such experiences should be avoided, for a peaceful existence, shows up the superficiality of so much of contemporary living. The Dark Night is a way of bringing the Soul to stillness, so that deep psychic transformation may take place. All distractions must be set aside, and it is no good attempting to fight or channel the bursts of raw energy that from time to time may course through your being. This inner compulsion to set everything aside results in the outer depression, when nothing seems to excite.
The only thing to do is obey your inner voice and become still, waiting for the inner transformation, (which the "Dark Night" heralds), to take place. You may not be aware for a very long time of the results of that inner change, but when the desire to work comes again and the depression lifts, the Dark Night has (for a moment) passed. No one can help during this time, and in many cases there is hardly anyone to turn for advice. One must disregard the well-meaning advice of family and friends to "snap out of it" this is no ordinary depression, but a deep spiritual experience which only those who have passed through themselves (in other words to a magical retreat) but for many, as the routines of everyday life prohibits this, all you can do is cultivate an inner solitude, a stillness and silence of heart, and wait, (like a chrysalis waits for the inner changes that will result in a butterfly) for the Transformation to work itself out. There are many such "Dark Nights" that the occult seeker must pass through during the mysterious process of mitigation. They are all trials but experience teaches one to cope more efficiently.
2006-07-03
No pills today........
…….sonds like a song from long ago.
My sewing machine broke down, without me breaking down. A great thing. Have not taking pills today. Was thinking about calling my sister about the sewing machine, but decided not to. I can´t afford taking the risk of her nagging at me. I have to be egoistic. I have to avoid everything that can affect me in a negative way. I am still far from stable.
I spend the days at the lake. Letting the wind and sun caress me. Swimming if the waves are not too high. And paddling when possible. Just trying to heal myself. My skin is tanned, I look more healthy than I feel. ;-)
My sewing machine broke down, without me breaking down. A great thing. Have not taking pills today. Was thinking about calling my sister about the sewing machine, but decided not to. I can´t afford taking the risk of her nagging at me. I have to be egoistic. I have to avoid everything that can affect me in a negative way. I am still far from stable.
I spend the days at the lake. Letting the wind and sun caress me. Swimming if the waves are not too high. And paddling when possible. Just trying to heal myself. My skin is tanned, I look more healthy than I feel. ;-)
2006-06-30
White water raft
In the previous post chip suggested I equaled the kayakdrifting with lifestruggles in general. Been in the forest picking the first wild strawberries for the season. Will bring them to my old folks tomorrow.
Mind strolling around freely. Thought the drifting in the kayak could be equaled to the aligning to the Absolute as some speak of. When I drift in the kayak I don´t do much but I adjust the direction once in a while. As I know the workings of the lake I know how to adjust to the route I wish to go. But I can´t work against the lake, then I have to paddle to get where I want.
For now I am not in that calm lake. I am in a white water raft. Hopefully heading towards that lake. But this river is wild. I have to hang on with all my strenght not to be thrown out into the wild water. In this wild river there are no possibility to adjust to it´s movements. You just have to hang on for your life. Because there are no rytm to go with, no going with the flow. It is too wild.
Just a few thoughts. I think… to adjust to the Absolute, you have to know it. Like I know the lake. Chip, if you agree, give me a smile.
Mind strolling around freely. Thought the drifting in the kayak could be equaled to the aligning to the Absolute as some speak of. When I drift in the kayak I don´t do much but I adjust the direction once in a while. As I know the workings of the lake I know how to adjust to the route I wish to go. But I can´t work against the lake, then I have to paddle to get where I want.
For now I am not in that calm lake. I am in a white water raft. Hopefully heading towards that lake. But this river is wild. I have to hang on with all my strenght not to be thrown out into the wild water. In this wild river there are no possibility to adjust to it´s movements. You just have to hang on for your life. Because there are no rytm to go with, no going with the flow. It is too wild.
Just a few thoughts. I think… to adjust to the Absolute, you have to know it. Like I know the lake. Chip, if you agree, give me a smile.
2006-06-29
Why do I even bother?
Every time I try to make things work, somethings turn up and ruines my attempts. I think it would be best if I just sat down and let everyone else decide for me. To try anything is just dissappointing. Nothing works, not meditations, not healingtekniques, not bankaccounts, not work, nothing! And I feel like a HUGE complainingmachine. Hate myself.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
2006-06-27
the-mystic.org
the-mystic.org describes my situation rather well. Except that I don´t have a background in any church or system. I never even had that faith. I never know what to believe or have faith in. Already at the age of 5 or 6 I thought that believing is Jesus and the church, “was stupid”. From my early twenties I search, with the means of that time, a lot. But never found anything that made me stay. I always felt like an alien. Like I don´t belong here.
This is the headlines:
You Can’t Fit In
Hanging On
You Feel Totally Alone
You Enter Midnight
The Peace Comes
Your Ego Sense
Attempts of the Ego
Dawn of a New Life
I feel the site is good. The article starts with:
“"Dark night of the soul" sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. Yet perhaps a quarter of the seekers on the road to higher consciousness will pass through the dark night. In fact, they may pass through several until they experience the profound joy of their true nature.”
Maybe that is why I keep having this. I feel like it is like that rollercoaster. The site gives not much hope for being finished in this lifetime. But it gives some understanding that might make it easier to live with. Maybe easier to ignore. Earlier I only heard that you have ONE Dark Nigth and then get the transformation. I think this is more real. At least as I live it.
http://www.the-mystic.org/dark-night/
There are more to that site than the Dark night. Check it out. It has lessons that describes the path.
This is the headlines:
You Can’t Fit In
Hanging On
You Feel Totally Alone
You Enter Midnight
The Peace Comes
Your Ego Sense
Attempts of the Ego
Dawn of a New Life
I feel the site is good. The article starts with:
“"Dark night of the soul" sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. Yet perhaps a quarter of the seekers on the road to higher consciousness will pass through the dark night. In fact, they may pass through several until they experience the profound joy of their true nature.”
Maybe that is why I keep having this. I feel like it is like that rollercoaster. The site gives not much hope for being finished in this lifetime. But it gives some understanding that might make it easier to live with. Maybe easier to ignore. Earlier I only heard that you have ONE Dark Nigth and then get the transformation. I think this is more real. At least as I live it.
http://www.the-mystic.org/dark-night/
There are more to that site than the Dark night. Check it out. It has lessons that describes the path.
2006-06-26
A great day
It was cloudy this morning so I thought that after lunch I take a walk in the forest. As I did not have to work today. To get some exercise I put a Cardiodance tape into the video and had some fun exercises.
When it was time to go out I headed for where my kayak is. Had some things to tend to. But as weather became nice I ended up in the kayak instead of the forest. Spent two nice hours in it. A wind as light as a caress took me drifting a long way. Then I crisscrossed around the islands in the lake. Spotted some ducklings here, some geese there. A snake that came swimming. Blue dragonflies landing on the front of the kayak. A childs laughter from the beach nearby. And finally, on my way back, increasing wind to give me some more exercise.
This is food for spirit. Days like this you don´t need any Absolutes to make you feel good and confident. And you wonder why it can´t stay like this.
When it was time to go out I headed for where my kayak is. Had some things to tend to. But as weather became nice I ended up in the kayak instead of the forest. Spent two nice hours in it. A wind as light as a caress took me drifting a long way. Then I crisscrossed around the islands in the lake. Spotted some ducklings here, some geese there. A snake that came swimming. Blue dragonflies landing on the front of the kayak. A childs laughter from the beach nearby. And finally, on my way back, increasing wind to give me some more exercise.
This is food for spirit. Days like this you don´t need any Absolutes to make you feel good and confident. And you wonder why it can´t stay like this.
2006-06-25
Childhood abuse never ends
This has been on my mind for some time now. Best get it out of my chest.
When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.
Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.
When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.
Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.
I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.
I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.
Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.
I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.
As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.
Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.
Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.
If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.
When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.
Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.
When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.
Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.
I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.
I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.
Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.
I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.
As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.
Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.
Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.
If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.
2006-06-24
The Energy again
The energylevel is skyhigh. And my stomach hands and feet is vibrating. Head is dumb. How do I release it? Trying to give it to nature is just a temporary release.
2006-06-23
MIDSUMMER
In Sweden we celebrate summersolstice on the Friday closest to it. But we call it Midsummer.
For 40 years I have been the cook and provider of activities. This year I refuse for once. My system is overloaded with taking care of itself. So I am being “selfish” in order to not make things worse.
Problem is that I can´t give the right reason to why I refuse. How can they understand when I don´t really do it myself. So, to “save” myself, family is more or less angry. Not my daughter though. :-)
For 40 years I have been the cook and provider of activities. This year I refuse for once. My system is overloaded with taking care of itself. So I am being “selfish” in order to not make things worse.
Problem is that I can´t give the right reason to why I refuse. How can they understand when I don´t really do it myself. So, to “save” myself, family is more or less angry. Not my daughter though. :-)
2006-06-22
Fear of meditation
Sure I have been aware of this. But maybe not realised the significance of it.
Since that “Brainsplit” mentioned in “How it started” I have never by purpose got into a deep meditation again. A few times, though, I have probably gotten deep anyway when something needed me to.
I have never used the breathing tekniques again. And only meditated for short periods of time. Not that much at home, mostly in the forest or at the lake, when I can´t resist it because it is so nice. It´s been an “on and off” situation depending on how life is for the moment.
Is it due to fear? Sure. Who want´s that to happen again? I don´t. How can I ever trust it? How can I deal with it? Do I have to?
It took me years to understand that “the splitting of the brain” was probably due to Kundlini.
Since that “Brainsplit” mentioned in “How it started” I have never by purpose got into a deep meditation again. A few times, though, I have probably gotten deep anyway when something needed me to.
I have never used the breathing tekniques again. And only meditated for short periods of time. Not that much at home, mostly in the forest or at the lake, when I can´t resist it because it is so nice. It´s been an “on and off” situation depending on how life is for the moment.
Is it due to fear? Sure. Who want´s that to happen again? I don´t. How can I ever trust it? How can I deal with it? Do I have to?
It took me years to understand that “the splitting of the brain” was probably due to Kundlini.
2006-06-21
Been to the doc
Ok, been to the doc. I recieved an amount of 20 pills for anxiety as the label stated. Not that I see it as anxiety, but maybe it works. I will only use them for emergency situations.
2006-06-20
Too much energy?
Could it be that I have too much energy running around in my body? I´m having a short circuit?
Going to the doctor
Talking to a friend on MSN:
Aurora
Sometimes I get some kind of attacks, I feel like I am being thrown headfirst into a wall, gliding down to the floor and cries from hurting. Both by physical and emotional hurting. I use to think, not again, why are you doing this to me? And then I cry and cry for days. Just like you I guess. It is a tough one when you have to work when it is in the middle of the process.
Aurora
You have some kind of understanding. I have no clue of what or why this happens. It has been like this for about 7 years now. I was happy it seemed to subside, but now it was back as strong as ever. I´ll see a doctor tomorrow, hoping to get some "happy pills". This is dangerous.
Aurora
The problem is that in the active phase I bang my head, hitting it hard. Just to make it stop, with no result, it wount go away. I know about drogs, my brothers are in that business. But I need help.
.********************************
This is in short what this is all about, Soon I am on my way to see a doctor.
Aurora
Sometimes I get some kind of attacks, I feel like I am being thrown headfirst into a wall, gliding down to the floor and cries from hurting. Both by physical and emotional hurting. I use to think, not again, why are you doing this to me? And then I cry and cry for days. Just like you I guess. It is a tough one when you have to work when it is in the middle of the process.
Aurora
You have some kind of understanding. I have no clue of what or why this happens. It has been like this for about 7 years now. I was happy it seemed to subside, but now it was back as strong as ever. I´ll see a doctor tomorrow, hoping to get some "happy pills". This is dangerous.
Aurora
The problem is that in the active phase I bang my head, hitting it hard. Just to make it stop, with no result, it wount go away. I know about drogs, my brothers are in that business. But I need help.
.********************************
This is in short what this is all about, Soon I am on my way to see a doctor.
2006-05-21
For the Absolute
if some things is not changing soon I will rob you of this tool that goes under the name Monica. I am damned pissed of being forced to deal with things that I consider shit. I am doing what I can to live a calm and peaceful life, and you constantly throw this shit in my face. I don´t care about this shit, and I have no whish whatsoever to deal with it. And yet you throw it all at me. I have already made two suicide attempts. I will not let you “save” me the third time. And, thus, I will not become your tool.
I will not post the rest. I had a converstion with my friend. She has been a great support to me. What she did not know in this situation was that I almost tipped over the edge again. I went to the store and bought myself a sharp, stiletto shaped knife. If necessary I would have used it. And it was close. But she helped me deal with it. I know I scared her. Forgive me.
I will not post the rest. I had a converstion with my friend. She has been a great support to me. What she did not know in this situation was that I almost tipped over the edge again. I went to the store and bought myself a sharp, stiletto shaped knife. If necessary I would have used it. And it was close. But she helped me deal with it. I know I scared her. Forgive me.
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