Childhood abuse never ends

This has been on my mind for some time now. Best get it out of my chest.

When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.

Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.

When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.

Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.

I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.

I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.

Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.

I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.

As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.

Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.

Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.

If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.