…….sonds like a song from long ago.
My sewing machine broke down, without me breaking down. A great thing. Have not taking pills today. Was thinking about calling my sister about the sewing machine, but decided not to. I can´t afford taking the risk of her nagging at me. I have to be egoistic. I have to avoid everything that can affect me in a negative way. I am still far from stable.
I spend the days at the lake. Letting the wind and sun caress me. Swimming if the waves are not too high. And paddling when possible. Just trying to heal myself. My skin is tanned, I look more healthy than I feel. ;-)
2006-07-03
2006-06-30
White water raft
In the previous post chip suggested I equaled the kayakdrifting with lifestruggles in general. Been in the forest picking the first wild strawberries for the season. Will bring them to my old folks tomorrow.
Mind strolling around freely. Thought the drifting in the kayak could be equaled to the aligning to the Absolute as some speak of. When I drift in the kayak I don´t do much but I adjust the direction once in a while. As I know the workings of the lake I know how to adjust to the route I wish to go. But I can´t work against the lake, then I have to paddle to get where I want.
For now I am not in that calm lake. I am in a white water raft. Hopefully heading towards that lake. But this river is wild. I have to hang on with all my strenght not to be thrown out into the wild water. In this wild river there are no possibility to adjust to it´s movements. You just have to hang on for your life. Because there are no rytm to go with, no going with the flow. It is too wild.
Just a few thoughts. I think… to adjust to the Absolute, you have to know it. Like I know the lake. Chip, if you agree, give me a smile.
Mind strolling around freely. Thought the drifting in the kayak could be equaled to the aligning to the Absolute as some speak of. When I drift in the kayak I don´t do much but I adjust the direction once in a while. As I know the workings of the lake I know how to adjust to the route I wish to go. But I can´t work against the lake, then I have to paddle to get where I want.
For now I am not in that calm lake. I am in a white water raft. Hopefully heading towards that lake. But this river is wild. I have to hang on with all my strenght not to be thrown out into the wild water. In this wild river there are no possibility to adjust to it´s movements. You just have to hang on for your life. Because there are no rytm to go with, no going with the flow. It is too wild.
Just a few thoughts. I think… to adjust to the Absolute, you have to know it. Like I know the lake. Chip, if you agree, give me a smile.
2006-06-29
Why do I even bother?
Every time I try to make things work, somethings turn up and ruines my attempts. I think it would be best if I just sat down and let everyone else decide for me. To try anything is just dissappointing. Nothing works, not meditations, not healingtekniques, not bankaccounts, not work, nothing! And I feel like a HUGE complainingmachine. Hate myself.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
2006-06-27
the-mystic.org
the-mystic.org describes my situation rather well. Except that I don´t have a background in any church or system. I never even had that faith. I never know what to believe or have faith in. Already at the age of 5 or 6 I thought that believing is Jesus and the church, “was stupid”. From my early twenties I search, with the means of that time, a lot. But never found anything that made me stay. I always felt like an alien. Like I don´t belong here.
This is the headlines:
You Can’t Fit In
Hanging On
You Feel Totally Alone
You Enter Midnight
The Peace Comes
Your Ego Sense
Attempts of the Ego
Dawn of a New Life
I feel the site is good. The article starts with:
“"Dark night of the soul" sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. Yet perhaps a quarter of the seekers on the road to higher consciousness will pass through the dark night. In fact, they may pass through several until they experience the profound joy of their true nature.”
Maybe that is why I keep having this. I feel like it is like that rollercoaster. The site gives not much hope for being finished in this lifetime. But it gives some understanding that might make it easier to live with. Maybe easier to ignore. Earlier I only heard that you have ONE Dark Nigth and then get the transformation. I think this is more real. At least as I live it.
http://www.the-mystic.org/dark-night/
There are more to that site than the Dark night. Check it out. It has lessons that describes the path.
This is the headlines:
You Can’t Fit In
Hanging On
You Feel Totally Alone
You Enter Midnight
The Peace Comes
Your Ego Sense
Attempts of the Ego
Dawn of a New Life
I feel the site is good. The article starts with:
“"Dark night of the soul" sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. Yet perhaps a quarter of the seekers on the road to higher consciousness will pass through the dark night. In fact, they may pass through several until they experience the profound joy of their true nature.”
Maybe that is why I keep having this. I feel like it is like that rollercoaster. The site gives not much hope for being finished in this lifetime. But it gives some understanding that might make it easier to live with. Maybe easier to ignore. Earlier I only heard that you have ONE Dark Nigth and then get the transformation. I think this is more real. At least as I live it.
http://www.the-mystic.org/dark-night/
There are more to that site than the Dark night. Check it out. It has lessons that describes the path.
2006-06-26
A great day
It was cloudy this morning so I thought that after lunch I take a walk in the forest. As I did not have to work today. To get some exercise I put a Cardiodance tape into the video and had some fun exercises.
When it was time to go out I headed for where my kayak is. Had some things to tend to. But as weather became nice I ended up in the kayak instead of the forest. Spent two nice hours in it. A wind as light as a caress took me drifting a long way. Then I crisscrossed around the islands in the lake. Spotted some ducklings here, some geese there. A snake that came swimming. Blue dragonflies landing on the front of the kayak. A childs laughter from the beach nearby. And finally, on my way back, increasing wind to give me some more exercise.
This is food for spirit. Days like this you don´t need any Absolutes to make you feel good and confident. And you wonder why it can´t stay like this.
When it was time to go out I headed for where my kayak is. Had some things to tend to. But as weather became nice I ended up in the kayak instead of the forest. Spent two nice hours in it. A wind as light as a caress took me drifting a long way. Then I crisscrossed around the islands in the lake. Spotted some ducklings here, some geese there. A snake that came swimming. Blue dragonflies landing on the front of the kayak. A childs laughter from the beach nearby. And finally, on my way back, increasing wind to give me some more exercise.
This is food for spirit. Days like this you don´t need any Absolutes to make you feel good and confident. And you wonder why it can´t stay like this.
2006-06-25
Childhood abuse never ends
This has been on my mind for some time now. Best get it out of my chest.
When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.
Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.
When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.
Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.
I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.
I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.
Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.
I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.
As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.
Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.
Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.
If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.
When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.
Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.
When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.
Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.
I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.
I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.
Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.
I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.
As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.
Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.
Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.
If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.
2006-06-24
The Energy again
The energylevel is skyhigh. And my stomach hands and feet is vibrating. Head is dumb. How do I release it? Trying to give it to nature is just a temporary release.
2006-06-23
MIDSUMMER
In Sweden we celebrate summersolstice on the Friday closest to it. But we call it Midsummer.
For 40 years I have been the cook and provider of activities. This year I refuse for once. My system is overloaded with taking care of itself. So I am being “selfish” in order to not make things worse.
Problem is that I can´t give the right reason to why I refuse. How can they understand when I don´t really do it myself. So, to “save” myself, family is more or less angry. Not my daughter though. :-)
For 40 years I have been the cook and provider of activities. This year I refuse for once. My system is overloaded with taking care of itself. So I am being “selfish” in order to not make things worse.
Problem is that I can´t give the right reason to why I refuse. How can they understand when I don´t really do it myself. So, to “save” myself, family is more or less angry. Not my daughter though. :-)
2006-06-22
Fear of meditation
Sure I have been aware of this. But maybe not realised the significance of it.
Since that “Brainsplit” mentioned in “How it started” I have never by purpose got into a deep meditation again. A few times, though, I have probably gotten deep anyway when something needed me to.
I have never used the breathing tekniques again. And only meditated for short periods of time. Not that much at home, mostly in the forest or at the lake, when I can´t resist it because it is so nice. It´s been an “on and off” situation depending on how life is for the moment.
Is it due to fear? Sure. Who want´s that to happen again? I don´t. How can I ever trust it? How can I deal with it? Do I have to?
It took me years to understand that “the splitting of the brain” was probably due to Kundlini.
Since that “Brainsplit” mentioned in “How it started” I have never by purpose got into a deep meditation again. A few times, though, I have probably gotten deep anyway when something needed me to.
I have never used the breathing tekniques again. And only meditated for short periods of time. Not that much at home, mostly in the forest or at the lake, when I can´t resist it because it is so nice. It´s been an “on and off” situation depending on how life is for the moment.
Is it due to fear? Sure. Who want´s that to happen again? I don´t. How can I ever trust it? How can I deal with it? Do I have to?
It took me years to understand that “the splitting of the brain” was probably due to Kundlini.
2006-06-21
Been to the doc
Ok, been to the doc. I recieved an amount of 20 pills for anxiety as the label stated. Not that I see it as anxiety, but maybe it works. I will only use them for emergency situations.
2006-06-20
Too much energy?
Could it be that I have too much energy running around in my body? I´m having a short circuit?
Going to the doctor
Talking to a friend on MSN:
Aurora
Sometimes I get some kind of attacks, I feel like I am being thrown headfirst into a wall, gliding down to the floor and cries from hurting. Both by physical and emotional hurting. I use to think, not again, why are you doing this to me? And then I cry and cry for days. Just like you I guess. It is a tough one when you have to work when it is in the middle of the process.
Aurora
You have some kind of understanding. I have no clue of what or why this happens. It has been like this for about 7 years now. I was happy it seemed to subside, but now it was back as strong as ever. I´ll see a doctor tomorrow, hoping to get some "happy pills". This is dangerous.
Aurora
The problem is that in the active phase I bang my head, hitting it hard. Just to make it stop, with no result, it wount go away. I know about drogs, my brothers are in that business. But I need help.
.********************************
This is in short what this is all about, Soon I am on my way to see a doctor.
Aurora
Sometimes I get some kind of attacks, I feel like I am being thrown headfirst into a wall, gliding down to the floor and cries from hurting. Both by physical and emotional hurting. I use to think, not again, why are you doing this to me? And then I cry and cry for days. Just like you I guess. It is a tough one when you have to work when it is in the middle of the process.
Aurora
You have some kind of understanding. I have no clue of what or why this happens. It has been like this for about 7 years now. I was happy it seemed to subside, but now it was back as strong as ever. I´ll see a doctor tomorrow, hoping to get some "happy pills". This is dangerous.
Aurora
The problem is that in the active phase I bang my head, hitting it hard. Just to make it stop, with no result, it wount go away. I know about drogs, my brothers are in that business. But I need help.
.********************************
This is in short what this is all about, Soon I am on my way to see a doctor.
2006-05-21
For the Absolute
if some things is not changing soon I will rob you of this tool that goes under the name Monica. I am damned pissed of being forced to deal with things that I consider shit. I am doing what I can to live a calm and peaceful life, and you constantly throw this shit in my face. I don´t care about this shit, and I have no whish whatsoever to deal with it. And yet you throw it all at me. I have already made two suicide attempts. I will not let you “save” me the third time. And, thus, I will not become your tool.
I will not post the rest. I had a converstion with my friend. She has been a great support to me. What she did not know in this situation was that I almost tipped over the edge again. I went to the store and bought myself a sharp, stiletto shaped knife. If necessary I would have used it. And it was close. But she helped me deal with it. I know I scared her. Forgive me.
I will not post the rest. I had a converstion with my friend. She has been a great support to me. What she did not know in this situation was that I almost tipped over the edge again. I went to the store and bought myself a sharp, stiletto shaped knife. If necessary I would have used it. And it was close. But she helped me deal with it. I know I scared her. Forgive me.
2006-03-05
Aurora moves fr heart to third eye
For years now I have sensed the awareness in the heartchakra. When meditating.., in the forest.., always.
I meditated this morning. Suddenly I felt the awareness in the heartchakra, it grew and became strong, then it moved up to the throat chakra, stayed there for a while and then moved up to behind the third eye.
And it stayed there until meditation ended. It is still located there.
I realised that the “awareness” was the identity of Ladyhawk and Aurora. So, for now, Aurora lives in the third eye. And she is growing.
I meditated this morning. Suddenly I felt the awareness in the heartchakra, it grew and became strong, then it moved up to the throat chakra, stayed there for a while and then moved up to behind the third eye.
And it stayed there until meditation ended. It is still located there.
I realised that the “awareness” was the identity of Ladyhawk and Aurora. So, for now, Aurora lives in the third eye. And she is growing.
2006-03-03
Spiritfood in meditation
I was meditation and after about 30 min (know that because of music) suddenly I was in the warehouse with the spiritfood. From that dream I had.
I was standing looking at the buckets of “food” and I KNOW I am supposed to eat it.
How can I eat it? and when?
connected to the dream 050821 Walk through houses.
2006-01-14
to star and sundark
Posted: Jan 14 2006, 07:18 PM, by MOJOH
starlight
you poisend and killed ladyhawk with your hate. Ladyhawk was a sensitive entity that did not respond well to hate. And you have a lot of that. She is now dead and gone.
I want to thank you for killing her. Now I can finally be what I am. A human woman called Monica. Ladyhawk and her link, MOJOH is finally gone.
The absolute can go to hell and you with it.
I asked Mystic to remove the two users I had, so far he has not. So you have to get this.
starlight
you poisend and killed ladyhawk with your hate. Ladyhawk was a sensitive entity that did not respond well to hate. And you have a lot of that. She is now dead and gone.
I want to thank you for killing her. Now I can finally be what I am. A human woman called Monica. Ladyhawk and her link, MOJOH is finally gone.
The absolute can go to hell and you with it.
I asked Mystic to remove the two users I had, so far he has not. So you have to get this.
2006-01-08
Ladyhawk dies
One day when I was walking in the snowy forest, I felt some disturbance in my chest. I stoped dead. It was ladyhawk struggling with her death. For a minute or so, I felt the struggle in my chest and could not do anything, then it snapped and she let go. She “died”.
I started to cry fiercely.
What should I do now??
I started to cry fiercely.
What should I do now??
2005-12-23
To BE and Not to BE
There has been a lot going on lately.
Today I have come to some kind of conclusion.
There are so much I don´t like about this “Enlightenment” business. So many contradictions.
Illusion:
I just don´t like the concept of illusion. To me there are no illusions. Just different ways of percieving. Due to limited body and mind. Sooner or later it will all be explained.
All this:
emptiness, nothingness, no thing, one thing, all there is, nothing exists, except Maya.
There is Maya, but maya does not exist????!!!!?? But “we” have to be there anyway!
I am here, but it is not me. I don´t exist. But ego clearly exist as it is a big deal of getting rid of it. But ego does not “really” exist either, as there is no existense apart from The Absolute. I can easily get rid of everything as “I am already that”. What ever “that” is. But, there are “ego”…………. No nothing exists.
I can´t even die, as no matter what, no future, no history, no self, no vision, just what “I really am”. That mysterious “thing” that exists despite it is dead and gone. But that is the true me. I can´t die. I exist even if I don´t exist. :-(
What the h-l is that???
When I become “that what I truly am” the rest of the world becomes shells and robots. “I” have a robot too. A nice one that goes about it´s business. Does not care if “I” am present or not. Don´t seem to be needing “me” at all. As they say. So, what is that “robot” that goes about it´s business?? Is there a soul in it??? Does it have thoughts of it´s own? Probably, as we are fighting now and then.
Negation:
What is really the point in claiming “I” am not the “Ego”. It only means “I” am something else. The lifeforce of the Universe? The Absolute? Nothing? But, yeah nothing does not exist?! Why should I negate something I know I am not?
I don´t want to BE and NOT TO BE. Exist and not exist. In ANY form what so ever. Not to be dead and yet aware.
When the woman that is Ladyhawk is dead and buried and the ego and spirit is also gone I don´t want it to be any trace left of me/us. No memories, no awareness. What the Universe, which I believe to be “lifeforce” really is, is not of my concern. Why should I struggle a lifetime to become “the lifeforce”. Or nothing, or what I truly am? I as a human are not the lifeforce, but it is “driving” me. If the Lifeforce, The Absolute, needs me it has the power to claim me. But it is not my concern.
phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Tomorrow is christmas eve. Could I be reborn please???? Without this struggle?
Thread on SDF
Today I have come to some kind of conclusion.
There are so much I don´t like about this “Enlightenment” business. So many contradictions.
Illusion:
I just don´t like the concept of illusion. To me there are no illusions. Just different ways of percieving. Due to limited body and mind. Sooner or later it will all be explained.
All this:
emptiness, nothingness, no thing, one thing, all there is, nothing exists, except Maya.
There is Maya, but maya does not exist????!!!!?? But “we” have to be there anyway!
I am here, but it is not me. I don´t exist. But ego clearly exist as it is a big deal of getting rid of it. But ego does not “really” exist either, as there is no existense apart from The Absolute. I can easily get rid of everything as “I am already that”. What ever “that” is. But, there are “ego”…………. No nothing exists.
I can´t even die, as no matter what, no future, no history, no self, no vision, just what “I really am”. That mysterious “thing” that exists despite it is dead and gone. But that is the true me. I can´t die. I exist even if I don´t exist. :-(
What the h-l is that???
When I become “that what I truly am” the rest of the world becomes shells and robots. “I” have a robot too. A nice one that goes about it´s business. Does not care if “I” am present or not. Don´t seem to be needing “me” at all. As they say. So, what is that “robot” that goes about it´s business?? Is there a soul in it??? Does it have thoughts of it´s own? Probably, as we are fighting now and then.
Negation:
What is really the point in claiming “I” am not the “Ego”. It only means “I” am something else. The lifeforce of the Universe? The Absolute? Nothing? But, yeah nothing does not exist?! Why should I negate something I know I am not?
I don´t want to BE and NOT TO BE. Exist and not exist. In ANY form what so ever. Not to be dead and yet aware.
When the woman that is Ladyhawk is dead and buried and the ego and spirit is also gone I don´t want it to be any trace left of me/us. No memories, no awareness. What the Universe, which I believe to be “lifeforce” really is, is not of my concern. Why should I struggle a lifetime to become “the lifeforce”. Or nothing, or what I truly am? I as a human are not the lifeforce, but it is “driving” me. If the Lifeforce, The Absolute, needs me it has the power to claim me. But it is not my concern.
phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Tomorrow is christmas eve. Could I be reborn please???? Without this struggle?
Thread on SDF
2005-10-09
I am MOJOH
Oct 9 2005, 12:20 PM on SDF
I am the body and ego that is one half of the system MOJOH/LADYHAWK where lady is spirit-soul.
We have a common interest. When we are at the lake and in the forest, we become ONE. For the rest of the time, we are mostly fighting for the power of the system.
But now, The Lady Of The Hawk is on a timetrain somewhere, destination unknown.She wanted me to care for the Campfire.
If she is coming back?
I don´t know.
Please, refere to me as MOJOH.
2005-10-08
Lady is on the train
051008
Mystic, of course I will share it with you.
At 1000 posts, I will become “Infinite Conciousness” in the Forum. Somehow that is symbolic. And maybe I am a bit superstitious.
You have followed me for the last 15 months. Lately I had two dreams. In the first I was at the trainstation and was given a creditcard with the shape of the endpiece of a loal of bread. Was told it was very good and would provide my needs. But I never bought the ticket so I was stuck at the station.
(050930) In this dream I bought the ticket and got myself on the train. I am on the train, but not yet at the unknown destination.
Well, if I become “Infinite Conciousness” before I reach the destination……would I blow it????
And then lately I feel that it is the same stuff being written again and again.
And sometimes I just want to hide. Some things is weird and I think I need to think about it. Some people are very disturbing at the SDF right now.
Sometimes I get mails from people that they think soo highly of me that I get bothered and feels a bit uncomfortable. I can´t live up to some peoples expectations.
Well. That was a lot. Somehow I think The Lady Of The Hawk is done. She should not be back until she has reached the destination. Maybe then, the thousend post can be written.
Mystic, of course I will share it with you.
At 1000 posts, I will become “Infinite Conciousness” in the Forum. Somehow that is symbolic. And maybe I am a bit superstitious.
You have followed me for the last 15 months. Lately I had two dreams. In the first I was at the trainstation and was given a creditcard with the shape of the endpiece of a loal of bread. Was told it was very good and would provide my needs. But I never bought the ticket so I was stuck at the station.
(050930) In this dream I bought the ticket and got myself on the train. I am on the train, but not yet at the unknown destination.
Well, if I become “Infinite Conciousness” before I reach the destination……would I blow it????
And then lately I feel that it is the same stuff being written again and again.
And sometimes I just want to hide. Some things is weird and I think I need to think about it. Some people are very disturbing at the SDF right now.
Sometimes I get mails from people that they think soo highly of me that I get bothered and feels a bit uncomfortable. I can´t live up to some peoples expectations.
Well. That was a lot. Somehow I think The Lady Of The Hawk is done. She should not be back until she has reached the destination. Maybe then, the thousend post can be written.
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