For a month I have been working in a first grade school class. It was a wonderful thing in a way. You really feel the connection to some of the kids. You form a bond between you.
Before that I had my parents to care for. First both of them and the last year only my dad.
My daughter and grandkids lives in a different town so I don´t see them much.
Now I am in the situation that I have been longing for. Can do as I please, at least for the greater part.
I am not sure about all this caretaking. Creations of bonds between souls. Experiencing the fact that souls are not many but one. Belonging. And then it all just disappears.
The old and familiar thoughts of spiritual matters still knocks at the "door". And I still keep the door closed. The questions never answered. I can´t relax as it is pulling. I refuse to start all over again.
I am alone now, in a void. I will remain here.
2009-02-21
2009-02-17
2009-01-31
The energy in my hands and body is back
I suppose it is because of the knot in my stomach. It has returned due to the problems in the shoolclass where I practise.
It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.
I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.
It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.
I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.
2009-01-07
White egg vision
The past days the spirit inside me is trying to surface. A lot of thought is coming up and I don´t like it.
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!
2008-12-29
Somebody is in my head
Last saturday I had one of those sessions again. Starting to cry, wondering why I was not allowed to awaken. All those people, bitches, drogadicts and fanatic religious ones. They made it. But I was denied. Why? Thay always said that one should be nice and good to be able to enter the kingdom of Gods. But to me it seems that the meaner one is, the easier to get there.
The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.
Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.
The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.
Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.
2008-12-22
So, now the peace ended.
I have been aware it starts moving again.
Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.
Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.
I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.
Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.
Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.
I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.
2008-12-11
Here we go again!
Seems like peace is over for now.
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.
If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.
If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!
2008-12-05
The brain
Havn´t been here……….
,,,,,,,,much lately and that is great.
Spirituality is as toxic as drogs so it will probably take years before I am free of it. Dome days it just pops up and makes demands, but so fat I am able to resist.
I am now busy with finishing everything that is left after my dad died. Then I have a lot to do with photographing and the other blogs I have. I keep myself very busy. But this morning I stoped and wondered why. But I know why, it is to keep myself free of spiritual thoughts.
I have read some more about the brain. The research nowadays reveal a lot of the brain. For now it seems like all spiritual experiences is just gosts created in the brain. Everything we experience is only works of the brain. Spiritual stuff no different. It is just about the brain. And when we die, it is gone. And that is good, that is the real comfort. If there is one.
The brain seem to be constantly changing, new pathways are created. Somewhere is those spiritual experiences created. Not different from our experience of colors or sound or warmth.
So, life is only created in our brains, when the brain is shut down there is nothing more to experience. That is true death.
So, I keep busy to fool the brain, locking certain things out.
,,,,,,,,much lately and that is great.
Spirituality is as toxic as drogs so it will probably take years before I am free of it. Dome days it just pops up and makes demands, but so fat I am able to resist.
I am now busy with finishing everything that is left after my dad died. Then I have a lot to do with photographing and the other blogs I have. I keep myself very busy. But this morning I stoped and wondered why. But I know why, it is to keep myself free of spiritual thoughts.
I have read some more about the brain. The research nowadays reveal a lot of the brain. For now it seems like all spiritual experiences is just gosts created in the brain. Everything we experience is only works of the brain. Spiritual stuff no different. It is just about the brain. And when we die, it is gone. And that is good, that is the real comfort. If there is one.
The brain seem to be constantly changing, new pathways are created. Somewhere is those spiritual experiences created. Not different from our experience of colors or sound or warmth.
So, life is only created in our brains, when the brain is shut down there is nothing more to experience. That is true death.
So, I keep busy to fool the brain, locking certain things out.
2008-11-26
Caregiving over
Dad past away last sunday. Now I have 6 weeks to finish his home. Last bills, split the home between children and grandchildren. Ending evrything and finally throw away everything nobody wants to keep.
Can´t help but think, now when my caregiving duty is over for now, what is spiritside going to haunt me with now? I bet it will be ugly.
Can´t help but think, now when my caregiving duty is over for now, what is spiritside going to haunt me with now? I bet it will be ugly.
2008-11-11
One of those nights
Again I had one of those nights when the pillow gets wet.
Spirituality knocking on the door making heart sobb. I had to put a towel on the pillow to avoid getting it all soaked down. It took me two hours and two Valeriana pills to finally go to sleep. Today I feel empty.
The only good thing is that it is longer now between those attacks. Hopefully it will subside entirely.
Spirituality knocking on the door making heart sobb. I had to put a towel on the pillow to avoid getting it all soaked down. It took me two hours and two Valeriana pills to finally go to sleep. Today I feel empty.
The only good thing is that it is longer now between those attacks. Hopefully it will subside entirely.
2008-10-28
To hell with it
The last couple of days has been kind of emotional. Yesterday it was a very nice autum morning. I took a walk down to the lake. But instead of finding peace there was a black hole in my chest. An empty space that should have been filled with content and peace with self.
Then the internet trouble started and I got furious. That was all that was needed to set all emotions to start. Blaming the Universe for every crap that happens. The longing for death. Why the h-l live a life like this? It´s disgusting. And for no sk-n reason.
Today the intestines started to bleed. They always do when I am troubled. So now I can really live out my hate for the universe. To hell with it.
Then the internet trouble started and I got furious. That was all that was needed to set all emotions to start. Blaming the Universe for every crap that happens. The longing for death. Why the h-l live a life like this? It´s disgusting. And for no sk-n reason.
Today the intestines started to bleed. They always do when I am troubled. So now I can really live out my hate for the universe. To hell with it.
2008-10-10
For Fin
I´ve been wondering why you wrote me of all people to get the adress. Maybe I have something to tell.
I don´t know why you wanted to talk to no1, but maybe you don´t need to.
As I see it now, none of them has anything important to say. They are unable to help as they are not done themselves. They claim to be one with the universe, awaken or what ever. But they are not. They are still stuck in the body and limited to it. They think they know The All, but, yet they have no access to my mind. They have no clue of what is going on in my mind. Or yours. I could never see myself as finished as long as the mind is limited. Yea, they have come a long way, but they still have a long way to go.
Chip and grimnexus was the two that knew me best. Yet none of them understood what is going on in my mind. I don´t think they even believed me.
And all those teachings, the secrets. Chip told me of a well kept secret she had discovered. But that was a thing I have known for decades. A comon thing in my eyes. And she was amazed.
I read the Tibetan book of the dead. That book needed only to be one page long. All it said was: recognice all that comes as being yourself. Know the energy to be you!
I started to read one of the books of D Lama.The Dzogchen one. He lived all his life learning Buddism. Yet for all learning and a lifetime of living it, he dared not say he was awakened, and he did not teach his own knowing. Halfway into the book I got mad and throw the book into the lake where I was sitting. It´s on the bottom now I guess, covered with mud. There was only booklearning in there, and nothing I did not already know.
Since then I refuse to do any work in that area. I´ve been stoped, I´ve been hit, I´ve been covered again with the dirt I cleaned of, to not discover the truth. Now I don´t any more. I am pissed of to not be allowed to do myself what I was supposed to do. If the spirit wants to go further, it is up to it. I don´t bother any more.
What I want to say really is that I don´t think you need to consult anybody. They have nothing to tell you. If they can´t read your soul, if they can´t see/be your mind, they are not done. And none of them can, they can´t penetrate that barrier. And then, they can´t help you. But at least grim knew that there is more. He was still searching last I heard anything.
If ever I will "awaken" I expect it to be no limits whatsoever. With the body only as a channel to communicate to the world of matter.
I don´t know why you wanted to talk to no1, but maybe you don´t need to.
As I see it now, none of them has anything important to say. They are unable to help as they are not done themselves. They claim to be one with the universe, awaken or what ever. But they are not. They are still stuck in the body and limited to it. They think they know The All, but, yet they have no access to my mind. They have no clue of what is going on in my mind. Or yours. I could never see myself as finished as long as the mind is limited. Yea, they have come a long way, but they still have a long way to go.
Chip and grimnexus was the two that knew me best. Yet none of them understood what is going on in my mind. I don´t think they even believed me.
And all those teachings, the secrets. Chip told me of a well kept secret she had discovered. But that was a thing I have known for decades. A comon thing in my eyes. And she was amazed.
I read the Tibetan book of the dead. That book needed only to be one page long. All it said was: recognice all that comes as being yourself. Know the energy to be you!
I started to read one of the books of D Lama.The Dzogchen one. He lived all his life learning Buddism. Yet for all learning and a lifetime of living it, he dared not say he was awakened, and he did not teach his own knowing. Halfway into the book I got mad and throw the book into the lake where I was sitting. It´s on the bottom now I guess, covered with mud. There was only booklearning in there, and nothing I did not already know.
Since then I refuse to do any work in that area. I´ve been stoped, I´ve been hit, I´ve been covered again with the dirt I cleaned of, to not discover the truth. Now I don´t any more. I am pissed of to not be allowed to do myself what I was supposed to do. If the spirit wants to go further, it is up to it. I don´t bother any more.
What I want to say really is that I don´t think you need to consult anybody. They have nothing to tell you. If they can´t read your soul, if they can´t see/be your mind, they are not done. And none of them can, they can´t penetrate that barrier. And then, they can´t help you. But at least grim knew that there is more. He was still searching last I heard anything.
If ever I will "awaken" I expect it to be no limits whatsoever. With the body only as a channel to communicate to the world of matter.
2008-09-22
Forest
Was in a forest today looking for mushrooms. Spent a very nice time in there. Until……….the forst started to wisper….join me, link your mind with mine. Tears started to come but I pressed it back. Am not going t cry.
Earlier when this happened I usually found a good stump to sit on, then entered meditation. The me/forest was the only thing existing.
Today I closed, bit my tounge and left the forest. Heart crying, but I can´t risk being beaten again.
Earlier when this happened I usually found a good stump to sit on, then entered meditation. The me/forest was the only thing existing.
Today I closed, bit my tounge and left the forest. Heart crying, but I can´t risk being beaten again.
2008-09-18
Chip
I miss you, but the one I miss is the one you were before awakening. There was a lot of fun then. Since then we headed in opposite directions.
Bird watch
Last saturday I attended a birdwatch event. First time for me on such a fieldtrip. (funny, now I have a hard time writing in english, getting used to the swedish blogs)
We were 6 people going to Lake Kvismare Bird Observatory. I had a great time but that was not what I was going to write about. I have that in swedish blogs.
After I got back home looking through the images I realised one thing. For 6 h I had 5 people around me that I never met before. 1 woman, 4 men. I had moved among them as if they had been ONE person. Bet that is how bees work. This group, from my point, had acted and moved as one unit in a way I have not encountered before. Strange!
We were 6 people going to Lake Kvismare Bird Observatory. I had a great time but that was not what I was going to write about. I have that in swedish blogs.
After I got back home looking through the images I realised one thing. For 6 h I had 5 people around me that I never met before. 1 woman, 4 men. I had moved among them as if they had been ONE person. Bet that is how bees work. This group, from my point, had acted and moved as one unit in a way I have not encountered before. Strange!
2008-09-14
On the door
The doorbell rang. Open the door. Outside is a couple, middleage. I spot the bible in the mans hand.
No damned bible here..........I say...........slamming the door shut.
No damned bible here..........I say...........slamming the door shut.
2008-09-09
Where do I belong?
The past three weeks I have worked with a new blog. A nature and photo blog. What else? This is a swedish one and it has taken rather much time. I wanted to write exclusively about nature and photo. No human troubles or religious stuff. Wanted to make it an oasis for people to visit and just enjoy.
Well, this is a blog community that one of our newspapers provide. So, looking around, and to make my blog known , I visited some blogs. Already after three weeks I am tired to death. This is why I withdrew a couple of year ago. The same issues, the same problems. The meaner the better. There are a few nice ones of course. But it seems, still, that people just loves to misunderstand each other. The "under the belt" blogs draws a lot of attention. And the subject "nature" is not even on the list.
I´ve already been through all that stuff. Have no wish to repeat it. Even if I have the experience to help out here and there they will not listen. Or, my voice is drowning in the crowd. It makes me sick to read about everything knowing I can´t do a shit about it. There will be no change, everybody trapped in their own situation.
Can´t be there, can´t be in spiritual community either. Spiritworld saw to that. In between! Belonging nowhere. That´s me.
Went thro the rainy forest yesterday. When the forest is wet it becomes so clear. It is like you can see every detail that you normally don´t. You can see the details as clear as the whole. My mind should be that clear, seeing everything, the whole, be able to see the atoms in the body, see the tiny forming the big things. Everything, being one. Shapes forming and disappering. Constant movement. Knowing everything. That is what my mind should be. Not "in between". Mind open, allknowing.
Well, this is a blog community that one of our newspapers provide. So, looking around, and to make my blog known , I visited some blogs. Already after three weeks I am tired to death. This is why I withdrew a couple of year ago. The same issues, the same problems. The meaner the better. There are a few nice ones of course. But it seems, still, that people just loves to misunderstand each other. The "under the belt" blogs draws a lot of attention. And the subject "nature" is not even on the list.
I´ve already been through all that stuff. Have no wish to repeat it. Even if I have the experience to help out here and there they will not listen. Or, my voice is drowning in the crowd. It makes me sick to read about everything knowing I can´t do a shit about it. There will be no change, everybody trapped in their own situation.
Can´t be there, can´t be in spiritual community either. Spiritworld saw to that. In between! Belonging nowhere. That´s me.
Went thro the rainy forest yesterday. When the forest is wet it becomes so clear. It is like you can see every detail that you normally don´t. You can see the details as clear as the whole. My mind should be that clear, seeing everything, the whole, be able to see the atoms in the body, see the tiny forming the big things. Everything, being one. Shapes forming and disappering. Constant movement. Knowing everything. That is what my mind should be. Not "in between". Mind open, allknowing.
2008-09-04
Shit
I wonder what great lesses is to be learned by feeling like you have to shit all day? Is there a universal wonder to discover?
Really, I am tired of this. I never knew why I have to drag this body around in the first place. Heavy and tiresome. Unbending, with a lot of functions I could be without. I know, the body is a wonder in many respects, but when it comes to the handling of waste and the mind, it really sucks. A body that does not agree with what I want. Brains that goes it´s own way no matter what I want. Even inventing things that isn´t "real" what ever that is! What´s the point? In One living system there should be agreement in how to live and what to want. Spirit and body should not disagree. And the universe should not interfere either. Making the pictue even more complicated.
Is there no shitten rules to this?
Talk about shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really, I am tired of this. I never knew why I have to drag this body around in the first place. Heavy and tiresome. Unbending, with a lot of functions I could be without. I know, the body is a wonder in many respects, but when it comes to the handling of waste and the mind, it really sucks. A body that does not agree with what I want. Brains that goes it´s own way no matter what I want. Even inventing things that isn´t "real" what ever that is! What´s the point? In One living system there should be agreement in how to live and what to want. Spirit and body should not disagree. And the universe should not interfere either. Making the pictue even more complicated.
Is there no shitten rules to this?
Talk about shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2008-09-01
Garden cross spider
Watched a TV-program about gravity this evening. The gravity net in the universe, keeping it all together. Then this little friend weaved a net on my balcony. Nice. Havn´t seen such a nice net for years. Coincidence? Does not matter really, I knew that already. It just got visible.
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