Is those two thing the only thing the Universe can come up with? Talk about lack of intelligens. The shitten universe is stupid.
Hitting my head and heart (it is still sour) and travelling dreams. Today was a new version of it. I was on holiday and stayed in a hotelroom. I new I had to leave, but was reluctant to pack. I had forgot when my ride was to leave. Nor did I know what veichle I should go with. I did not care.
The first dreams of this kind, I was always running to catch it. Then the dreams became vivid and I refused to play the game. Still do. So, why do they still go with this things that don´t work?
It is not a nice thing to think your spirit and soul are stupid. So, please, until you come up with something worth doing, leave me alone. You can take the transport and leave me I will not miss you.
2009-05-22
2009-05-19
I HATE YOU
...with all that I am. I hate you!
Is this all you can do to me? Such lack of imagination.
Today, in the forest, it happened again. That wich I can never get used to, never recover from. No matter how long, in between it is, it still hurts like hell. The bang at my head, the tears that can not be stopped. How I hate it. How I hit my head in order to make it stop. Today, if I had had a hammer close by, I would have slammed it into my forehead. My eyes is still full of dry tears and I have a headache.
Is this all you can do to me? Such lack of imagination.
Today, in the forest, it happened again. That wich I can never get used to, never recover from. No matter how long, in between it is, it still hurts like hell. The bang at my head, the tears that can not be stopped. How I hate it. How I hit my head in order to make it stop. Today, if I had had a hammer close by, I would have slammed it into my forehead. My eyes is still full of dry tears and I have a headache.
I HATE YOU FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS! I WILL RESIST. Never will you get to me.
I hate you!
2009-05-07
abducted, another dream
another dream but with a different twist.
I and another person was taken by force and left in a room with some others. We were told that we had to join whatever they wanted us too. They did not say what it was. people left the room one by one until there was only the two of us left. They said we have to come too. We said NO. Forced we are going nowhere, without knowing we are going nowhere.
They tried to persuade us and push us through a door. But we resisted. Then the other person sort of melted, like the chageling in BS5, and he ran into a tiny opening in the wall and dissappeared. O was left and brougth into an office. They told me that it was about a getting to work for a aid thing. Going to a foreign contry to work with needed children. So I should give in and go.
But no, never will I go when forced. I told them they just had to give me a good offer in the first place. And I would have gone. Now I would never do anything.
I was left in a small room for a while then brought to a car. I had lost one bag during the process. Now I was able to run away but then my bag would have been lost.
The dream ends when I stand beside the car wondering if I should leave the missing bag or not.
.*******************************
I wonder if the "changeling" was a part of me, that escaped. I always feels lika I am 2 or 3 parts. Human,spirit,soul. (human, changeling, bag?) Why can´t the other side give me anything I can follow instead of this foolish game. Man…. it makes me tired. Why do they think punishment and force will get me anywhere? Talk about being stupid.
I and another person was taken by force and left in a room with some others. We were told that we had to join whatever they wanted us too. They did not say what it was. people left the room one by one until there was only the two of us left. They said we have to come too. We said NO. Forced we are going nowhere, without knowing we are going nowhere.
They tried to persuade us and push us through a door. But we resisted. Then the other person sort of melted, like the chageling in BS5, and he ran into a tiny opening in the wall and dissappeared. O was left and brougth into an office. They told me that it was about a getting to work for a aid thing. Going to a foreign contry to work with needed children. So I should give in and go.
But no, never will I go when forced. I told them they just had to give me a good offer in the first place. And I would have gone. Now I would never do anything.
I was left in a small room for a while then brought to a car. I had lost one bag during the process. Now I was able to run away but then my bag would have been lost.
The dream ends when I stand beside the car wondering if I should leave the missing bag or not.
.*******************************
I wonder if the "changeling" was a part of me, that escaped. I always feels lika I am 2 or 3 parts. Human,spirit,soul. (human, changeling, bag?) Why can´t the other side give me anything I can follow instead of this foolish game. Man…. it makes me tired. Why do they think punishment and force will get me anywhere? Talk about being stupid.
2009-05-05
empty .......... dying
There have been a lot of incidents of late. First Ray´s many questions then a few people on swedish bloggs. Wolf Mother Earth one of them. A young woman I had to warn.
I am so tired of fighting it. I am so tired of living this pointless life. But I can´t go back. Go back to what? I can never go back to reading or meditating again. Can´t go back to hope for a wonderful transition. There is no hope left, no belifes for good things. It makes no difference in what way they try to approach me again. I can´t go back.
But I loose the grip, have been keeping myself occupied with photography and bloggs, but it grows tiersome too. Family is expecting attention. And I just find it annoying. It is so empty. Pretending is all I do. Pretending having a good life while the soul is dying.
Dying……….
I am so tired of fighting it. I am so tired of living this pointless life. But I can´t go back. Go back to what? I can never go back to reading or meditating again. Can´t go back to hope for a wonderful transition. There is no hope left, no belifes for good things. It makes no difference in what way they try to approach me again. I can´t go back.
But I loose the grip, have been keeping myself occupied with photography and bloggs, but it grows tiersome too. Family is expecting attention. And I just find it annoying. It is so empty. Pretending is all I do. Pretending having a good life while the soul is dying.
Dying……….
2009-03-31
I must be out of my mind
Yesterday, when I was working out, I actually considered starting meditation again.
I know deep down the soul wants it, but never the less I know it would not bring any good to me. There is no way I can believe it would. So, I HAVE to ignore the longing of the soul.
People say they experience joy and peace, stillness, as being enlightened, but nothing in my life indicates that would be true for me. I can´t let it fool me.
I know deep down the soul wants it, but never the less I know it would not bring any good to me. There is no way I can believe it would. So, I HAVE to ignore the longing of the soul.
People say they experience joy and peace, stillness, as being enlightened, but nothing in my life indicates that would be true for me. I can´t let it fool me.
2009-03-22
The light equals darkness
Somehow it is sad you can´t record your thoughts. In the bathtub I had a nice chain of thoughts, Now I will have a difficult time recalling them.
It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.
Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.
Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.
Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.
I AM ......... observing!
I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M
It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.
Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.
Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.
Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.
I AM ......... observing!
I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M
When light becomes darkness
When light becomes darkness. How is it possible? What is light and what is darkness? How can light BE darkness?
Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.
The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.
Where can I go?
Lost………
Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.
The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.
Where can I go?
Lost………
2009-03-09
Awake 24/7
Last night I started to think about being aware when asleep. Grim and I discussed that about 1.5 years ago.
He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.
If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.
He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.
If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.
2009-03-05
Finally alone
It is a bit ironic, some years ago I longed so much to be alone. To be able to work with spiritual things full time. Meditating, reading, learning, attending spiritual forums and such things. But I was never able to do it, there was always a lot of things to do. Work, kids, parents, social stuff, you name it. Never ever able to do that spiritual work I longed for. Just partly, and all to often being refused to do even that. Being thrown into the wall as soon as I came to close.
Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.
I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.
Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.
I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.
2009-02-24
What´s going on?
After a quiet year it has started all over again. Spiritual stuff is soon overloading my poor brain. Flying over my head like thunderclouds. Just waiting for lightenings to strike.
First I wrote a letter to one old friend. But I doubt he will response. He is on a journey to find the Ultimate. At least he was a year ago. I wanted to ask him if he has ever heard about anybody trying to derstoy their spirit? Because that is what I think I am doing. The scattered dreams is telling me so. He usually reads a lot and I think he was going to some guru so, if there is any tale he should probably know.
Then I met this woman online. For the first time I met somebody that seem to have no problem understanding me. And for now that scares the h-l out of me because I am not prepared to get draged back into spiritual search. I am not prepared to, one day soon, find myself being beaten up again.
What is happening?
First I wrote a letter to one old friend. But I doubt he will response. He is on a journey to find the Ultimate. At least he was a year ago. I wanted to ask him if he has ever heard about anybody trying to derstoy their spirit? Because that is what I think I am doing. The scattered dreams is telling me so. He usually reads a lot and I think he was going to some guru so, if there is any tale he should probably know.
Then I met this woman online. For the first time I met somebody that seem to have no problem understanding me. And for now that scares the h-l out of me because I am not prepared to get draged back into spiritual search. I am not prepared to, one day soon, find myself being beaten up again.
What is happening?
2009-02-22
Memories
There were a line of thoughts a moment ago.
About, if our lifeexperiences does matter or not, I am not sure.
Those that claim to be enlightened have, to my knowledge, never mentioned having access to other peoples memories or experiences. They talk about a peaceful void. And to my knowledge they never experience the living universe.
Hm, this is hard!
As I understand what they say, our lives has no meaning. There are no nuances in the void that depends on our experiences. We live our hurtful lives for nothing. Just to crack a brain.
If they are right, there is no reason what so ever why we should live those lives with karma involved. Or to live at all. Trying to figure out the meaning of old religions and to live to serve others. To better oneself. As it is said you have to do get to "heaven". It is of no use.
There must be sometning they don´t know. They claim to be the Void, yet they don´t know me. They are still limited.
I am talking about the Ultimate state, not somewhere in between. It has to include everything I have ever been, everything that have ever happened. You can´t take things away because then it is not all anymore.
I just hate this. It´s like trying to grab an emotion with your hand.
About, if our lifeexperiences does matter or not, I am not sure.
Those that claim to be enlightened have, to my knowledge, never mentioned having access to other peoples memories or experiences. They talk about a peaceful void. And to my knowledge they never experience the living universe.
Hm, this is hard!
As I understand what they say, our lives has no meaning. There are no nuances in the void that depends on our experiences. We live our hurtful lives for nothing. Just to crack a brain.
If they are right, there is no reason what so ever why we should live those lives with karma involved. Or to live at all. Trying to figure out the meaning of old religions and to live to serve others. To better oneself. As it is said you have to do get to "heaven". It is of no use.
There must be sometning they don´t know. They claim to be the Void, yet they don´t know me. They are still limited.
I am talking about the Ultimate state, not somewhere in between. It has to include everything I have ever been, everything that have ever happened. You can´t take things away because then it is not all anymore.
I just hate this. It´s like trying to grab an emotion with your hand.
2009-02-21
Competition in Paris, another dream
Again one of those dreams. Think it is the second time it was located in Paris.
I was on some athletic competition. A lot of orange colors in the dresses and surroundings. Most of the time I spent in the dressingroom area. After a long time, without competition I realised people was getting ready to go home. So, grabbed some things and ran over to see what it was all about. Did not really think it was time.
Found two of my companions beside a table. So asked them what was going on. They turned and pointed, the bus is soon leaving for the airport. We have to run. So, we started to run then. But then the bus started. And we stoped.
Then I started to check myself, I did not have any money, the bag was not with me. Ticket gone, I was not even fully dressed. No shoes and no jacket. Thought I had to look for it.
At that point I recognised myself. I realised I was in the dream. And all action seased. Never mind to find it. The spirit fails. Still making the same mistake with me. It never learns.
*************************************
The dream was not well structured as this sort of dream usually are. It was kind of sloppy, like the spirit giving up on me. GREAT! Life is good as it is now without this shit. Do I care about the spirit? NO! I don´t. It made too many mistakes and misjudged the human part of the system. I don´t mind if it has to live another life, at least that will not be me. I will sease to exist. The spirit part of me is scattering in the wind. And, can´t help it, but I am happy about it.
I was on some athletic competition. A lot of orange colors in the dresses and surroundings. Most of the time I spent in the dressingroom area. After a long time, without competition I realised people was getting ready to go home. So, grabbed some things and ran over to see what it was all about. Did not really think it was time.
Found two of my companions beside a table. So asked them what was going on. They turned and pointed, the bus is soon leaving for the airport. We have to run. So, we started to run then. But then the bus started. And we stoped.
Then I started to check myself, I did not have any money, the bag was not with me. Ticket gone, I was not even fully dressed. No shoes and no jacket. Thought I had to look for it.
At that point I recognised myself. I realised I was in the dream. And all action seased. Never mind to find it. The spirit fails. Still making the same mistake with me. It never learns.
*************************************
The dream was not well structured as this sort of dream usually are. It was kind of sloppy, like the spirit giving up on me. GREAT! Life is good as it is now without this shit. Do I care about the spirit? NO! I don´t. It made too many mistakes and misjudged the human part of the system. I don´t mind if it has to live another life, at least that will not be me. I will sease to exist. The spirit part of me is scattering in the wind. And, can´t help it, but I am happy about it.
Disconnected
For a month I have been working in a first grade school class. It was a wonderful thing in a way. You really feel the connection to some of the kids. You form a bond between you.
Before that I had my parents to care for. First both of them and the last year only my dad.
My daughter and grandkids lives in a different town so I don´t see them much.
Now I am in the situation that I have been longing for. Can do as I please, at least for the greater part.
I am not sure about all this caretaking. Creations of bonds between souls. Experiencing the fact that souls are not many but one. Belonging. And then it all just disappears.
The old and familiar thoughts of spiritual matters still knocks at the "door". And I still keep the door closed. The questions never answered. I can´t relax as it is pulling. I refuse to start all over again.
I am alone now, in a void. I will remain here.
Before that I had my parents to care for. First both of them and the last year only my dad.
My daughter and grandkids lives in a different town so I don´t see them much.
Now I am in the situation that I have been longing for. Can do as I please, at least for the greater part.
I am not sure about all this caretaking. Creations of bonds between souls. Experiencing the fact that souls are not many but one. Belonging. And then it all just disappears.
The old and familiar thoughts of spiritual matters still knocks at the "door". And I still keep the door closed. The questions never answered. I can´t relax as it is pulling. I refuse to start all over again.
I am alone now, in a void. I will remain here.
2009-02-17
2009-01-31
The energy in my hands and body is back
I suppose it is because of the knot in my stomach. It has returned due to the problems in the shoolclass where I practise.
It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.
I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.
It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.
I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.
2009-01-07
White egg vision
The past days the spirit inside me is trying to surface. A lot of thought is coming up and I don´t like it.
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!
2008-12-29
Somebody is in my head
Last saturday I had one of those sessions again. Starting to cry, wondering why I was not allowed to awaken. All those people, bitches, drogadicts and fanatic religious ones. They made it. But I was denied. Why? Thay always said that one should be nice and good to be able to enter the kingdom of Gods. But to me it seems that the meaner one is, the easier to get there.
The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.
Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.
The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.
Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.
2008-12-22
So, now the peace ended.
I have been aware it starts moving again.
Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.
Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.
I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.
Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.
Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.
I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.
2008-12-11
Here we go again!
Seems like peace is over for now.
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.
If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.
If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!
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