I wonder what great lesses is to be learned by feeling like you have to shit all day? Is there a universal wonder to discover?
Really, I am tired of this. I never knew why I have to drag this body around in the first place. Heavy and tiresome. Unbending, with a lot of functions I could be without. I know, the body is a wonder in many respects, but when it comes to the handling of waste and the mind, it really sucks. A body that does not agree with what I want. Brains that goes it´s own way no matter what I want. Even inventing things that isn´t "real" what ever that is! What´s the point? In One living system there should be agreement in how to live and what to want. Spirit and body should not disagree. And the universe should not interfere either. Making the pictue even more complicated.
Is there no shitten rules to this?
Talk about shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2008-09-04
2008-09-01
Garden cross spider
Watched a TV-program about gravity this evening. The gravity net in the universe, keeping it all together. Then this little friend weaved a net on my balcony. Nice. Havn´t seen such a nice net for years. Coincidence? Does not matter really, I knew that already. It just got visible.2008-08-26
Forest and blogs
The past week I have set up a blog in Sweden. A request from my sister actually. She thought the blog community lacked a natureblog.
Well, already after a week I find I can´t do this. I can´t write about the serenity of the forest and lake. That what I used to feel and as I wanted to relay to others. The thing is, I can´t go there anymore. I can´t be one with the forest or lake as I used to. I can no longer draw strength from nature. I am just a visitor now, I still see the beauty of it, but that is all. As soon as I just think of expanding my mind to join nature, I back off. My brain tells me it is no danger, but my spirit says it is.
How could this happen, how could it become like this? My entire existence is crippled. Oh dear……
Well, already after a week I find I can´t do this. I can´t write about the serenity of the forest and lake. That what I used to feel and as I wanted to relay to others. The thing is, I can´t go there anymore. I can´t be one with the forest or lake as I used to. I can no longer draw strength from nature. I am just a visitor now, I still see the beauty of it, but that is all. As soon as I just think of expanding my mind to join nature, I back off. My brain tells me it is no danger, but my spirit says it is.
How could this happen, how could it become like this? My entire existence is crippled. Oh dear……
2008-08-25
I wish I was…
a butterfly. Fluttering around on delicate wings. Visiting flowers. With thoughts light as smoke rising towards the sky.
Until……..I realised they too, are dragged towards earth. As trapped as we are.
Until……..I realised they too, are dragged towards earth. As trapped as we are.
2008-08-21
What has it done
Really, isn´t that boring but I can´t get away from thinking of what it has done to me. There are 2 main things.
1 it taught me to hate. Never did that before, but now I do.
2 it spoiled the fun of life. Taught me what meaningless is. No matter what I do it does not really matter. I can have fun for a while but still, it is empty have no value to it. Just a way to pass time and it is still better to have fun than not.
So why am I not sitting in a corner doing nothing? Because the body is restless. So, for now, I am setting up a new blog. My sis thought it is a shame there are no blog describing nature. So, to make her happy, I´ll do that for a while.
Pretending it matters.
Can as well do that.
Body wants to feel needed.
Maybe I can fool myself if I try hard enough.
Forget for a while.
1 it taught me to hate. Never did that before, but now I do.
2 it spoiled the fun of life. Taught me what meaningless is. No matter what I do it does not really matter. I can have fun for a while but still, it is empty have no value to it. Just a way to pass time and it is still better to have fun than not.
So why am I not sitting in a corner doing nothing? Because the body is restless. So, for now, I am setting up a new blog. My sis thought it is a shame there are no blog describing nature. So, to make her happy, I´ll do that for a while.
Pretending it matters.
Can as well do that.
Body wants to feel needed.
Maybe I can fool myself if I try hard enough.
Forget for a while.
2008-08-17
Difficult
Life has become difficult. Avoiding everything spiritual or regligous is a really hard task. There is no newspaper or magasin without writing about it in different ways. Not to mention books. I can hardly read a book anymore as sooner or later there will be churches or priests in the drama. In every paper there are articles about how to become happy and content. By things, by shampoo, by aerobics, by meditation and of course, by God. And it is all lies.
Often I turn of the movie I am watching ecause there is religions involved. Or people are just treating each other like s-t. And I hate that.
Yesterday it occurred to me that there will be even more obstacles because of my situation. If I go on another travel, the travel agency has booked a lot of churches to watch. I will have to remain outside. If, in a couple of years, my grandkids wand to get married and choses to do that in church, I can´t go. Not anymore. Already 5 years ago I felt uncomfortable when I was exposed to one of those crosses. And it has not get any better. How can I tell them that I will not visit any churches, no matter who are going to marry or baptise a child. That will be hard, but I will not be able to do it. I can come to the dinner later on maybe. But that will not be the same. Hope when that day comes, they will understand, but I doubt that.
Life has become difficult, religions and spiritual staff is everywhere you turn. Almost impossible to avoid. I just can´t handle it.
Often I turn of the movie I am watching ecause there is religions involved. Or people are just treating each other like s-t. And I hate that.
Yesterday it occurred to me that there will be even more obstacles because of my situation. If I go on another travel, the travel agency has booked a lot of churches to watch. I will have to remain outside. If, in a couple of years, my grandkids wand to get married and choses to do that in church, I can´t go. Not anymore. Already 5 years ago I felt uncomfortable when I was exposed to one of those crosses. And it has not get any better. How can I tell them that I will not visit any churches, no matter who are going to marry or baptise a child. That will be hard, but I will not be able to do it. I can come to the dinner later on maybe. But that will not be the same. Hope when that day comes, they will understand, but I doubt that.
Life has become difficult, religions and spiritual staff is everywhere you turn. Almost impossible to avoid. I just can´t handle it.
2008-08-15
Packing
Dreamt I was going somewhere so needed to pack. Started to do that but stopped, raised my head, blindly looking forward, then dropped the arms… stopped packing………………
2008-08-14
Headache and more tears
Yea, it gives me headache.
The other day there were a lot of hits on this blog. I wondered why. Then my sister suddenly wrote me about a site with something called Mindfulness. Seen it before and it is nothing other then a version of everything else. Meditation and other things. Can trap you as easy as religious crap. Easier, as it seems harmless enough without dogmas.
I was wondering why she wrote about that as she always are against anything religious and has very determind idéas of how easy it is to stay away. L
Now it seems like it was she that was reading and then wrote about mindfulness. L (Another trick from the universe? Using my sister?) Then she told me she did not want to link to my new photoblog as it was leading, in a number of steps, to ADNOTS. I did not even think she new about it. Does people really click on every button they see? I did not even knew it was possible to go that way. Just thought people stumbled over ADNOTS by accident or "old friends" visiting once in a while.
And then my reaction……………geeee, I am really messed up. The Universe did a great job breaking me. How could it do this to me? It is supposed to be a wonderful thing???? And now……………well, I need this blog anyway. It is a kind of safetyvalve. Helps me stay sane, or…….as sane as I can be.
And, if somebody decides to stay away from so called spiritual stuff after reading this, then something good came out of it. So, sis, no need to read this anymore, it is as good as it gets. I have to live with it, don´t do the same mistake.
The other day there were a lot of hits on this blog. I wondered why. Then my sister suddenly wrote me about a site with something called Mindfulness. Seen it before and it is nothing other then a version of everything else. Meditation and other things. Can trap you as easy as religious crap. Easier, as it seems harmless enough without dogmas.
I was wondering why she wrote about that as she always are against anything religious and has very determind idéas of how easy it is to stay away. L
Now it seems like it was she that was reading and then wrote about mindfulness. L (Another trick from the universe? Using my sister?) Then she told me she did not want to link to my new photoblog as it was leading, in a number of steps, to ADNOTS. I did not even think she new about it. Does people really click on every button they see? I did not even knew it was possible to go that way. Just thought people stumbled over ADNOTS by accident or "old friends" visiting once in a while.
And then my reaction……………geeee, I am really messed up. The Universe did a great job breaking me. How could it do this to me? It is supposed to be a wonderful thing???? And now……………well, I need this blog anyway. It is a kind of safetyvalve. Helps me stay sane, or…….as sane as I can be.
And, if somebody decides to stay away from so called spiritual stuff after reading this, then something good came out of it. So, sis, no need to read this anymore, it is as good as it gets. I have to live with it, don´t do the same mistake.
2008-08-12
Well, as I am at it………..human.2
……..I can as well continue on the other subject.
In one of the science mags I read there was a whole lot of articles about the "human.2". meaning that humans.1 is out of date and what will version 2 become?
A lot of question arises. Will we become cyborgs? That seem to be the most likely outcome. Or will we be prefect individuals created in a test tube. By genetheraphy or cloning?
What does that mean to the soul? If there are something like the soul? If there are an evolment chain working through karma and rebirth, how will it be effected by a human created "perfect" individual? In the early stages of the embryo they are able to change genes for sicknesses, keep the genes for blue eyes and delete the brown colors. Choose whether it shall be a foy or girl. They can make us intelligent by either genetheraphy or adding a computerchip to the brain. Artificial eyes and ears and hands.
What does all this mean to spiritual evolvment? How does it affect what is "me". If, for once, I consider it a good thing. Has the universe accounted for all "happy people" created to live a good life without sicknesses or unhappyness? Living for hundreds of years as if they were only 30 years of age.
I just wonder………………….. as to me it seems that, up to now at least, the means of spiritual evolvment is due to how unhappy and pissed you are. So, how will it work in the future when we deside. Can we deside how our sense of "me" shall be? Can we create what "I am" is to be? Cheat evolution?
In one of the science mags I read there was a whole lot of articles about the "human.2". meaning that humans.1 is out of date and what will version 2 become?
A lot of question arises. Will we become cyborgs? That seem to be the most likely outcome. Or will we be prefect individuals created in a test tube. By genetheraphy or cloning?
What does that mean to the soul? If there are something like the soul? If there are an evolment chain working through karma and rebirth, how will it be effected by a human created "perfect" individual? In the early stages of the embryo they are able to change genes for sicknesses, keep the genes for blue eyes and delete the brown colors. Choose whether it shall be a foy or girl. They can make us intelligent by either genetheraphy or adding a computerchip to the brain. Artificial eyes and ears and hands.
What does all this mean to spiritual evolvment? How does it affect what is "me". If, for once, I consider it a good thing. Has the universe accounted for all "happy people" created to live a good life without sicknesses or unhappyness? Living for hundreds of years as if they were only 30 years of age.
I just wonder………………….. as to me it seems that, up to now at least, the means of spiritual evolvment is due to how unhappy and pissed you are. So, how will it work in the future when we deside. Can we deside how our sense of "me" shall be? Can we create what "I am" is to be? Cheat evolution?
Orange peeler
Last week I got the usual advertisment letters from one of our bookclubs. It is always large letters and beside the ad paperwork they always put in some stuff. It has been a lot of pencils, rubbers, a tiny plate, red plastic hearts and a lot of other stuff. This time they got me. All of which it forces you to open the envelope as you cant throw it in the paper recycling box. An orange object a bit curved with an hook or something in the middle. It alluded my fantasy completely. No matter how I tried. Asked my dad to. We came out empty. Sooooo, found an emailadress to the company and asked the support department. It was an orangepeeler!!!!! What the h-l has an orangepeeler to do with books?
Somehow this reminds of this spiritual stuff. The other side persists in sending those never understood "gifts". What for? Just to make us first, feel choosen and important, then frustrated as you never understand what the h-l it is all about. Are they doing it on purpose? Yea, I say "it" as that is the reality I live in. No matter how much there are only one universe. The Universe has no emailadress or supportdepartment to turn to. Just worthless "guides".
As you, the reader that still visits this blog, can see, it never leaves you. No matter what! I find no wisdom in this. At least, for now, it keeps a low profile.
Somehow this reminds of this spiritual stuff. The other side persists in sending those never understood "gifts". What for? Just to make us first, feel choosen and important, then frustrated as you never understand what the h-l it is all about. Are they doing it on purpose? Yea, I say "it" as that is the reality I live in. No matter how much there are only one universe. The Universe has no emailadress or supportdepartment to turn to. Just worthless "guides".
As you, the reader that still visits this blog, can see, it never leaves you. No matter what! I find no wisdom in this. At least, for now, it keeps a low profile.
2008-08-05
O, dear!
Bath-tub-thoughts! That dream! It seems like, as soon as I recognize the dreams pattern I take control, the dream becomes vivid. I did not miss the train this time, I left it. And…somebody followed me out. That person was the one picking up phones to start retrieving my possessions because I did not really care. In the tub, where thoughts usually runs free I recognised that individual as the "guide" or whatever it/he was, was the same as visited me a number of times in dreams and meditations some years ago. The one that put the dirtcover back on me. It has been gone for about two years now so did not recognise it at once. This time I did not miss the train, I left it, and was brought back on the track, if not the train. Earlier it stoped me, now it pushes me onward. Don´t they know what they want?
What does that mean? Is that one back to keep me going. Well, now when I know I can act accordingly. Bet they put me in an airplane next time. That has not happened yet. Pretty hard to leave it then, right? I´ll take a parashute. lol
What does that mean? Is that one back to keep me going. Well, now when I know I can act accordingly. Bet they put me in an airplane next time. That has not happened yet. Pretty hard to leave it then, right? I´ll take a parashute. lol
Again
not surprisingly I, again, had a traindream and did not reach the destination. lol It is almost fun.
This time I was on the train to go to a town for some education I think. Every time the train had stoped I had walked out to look at the surroundings. Close to the destination it stoped again. I walked out and so did another passenger, a male. We talked and walked a bit along a rockwall. Then turned and remembered that the train would probably leave soon. Walked a bit faster, but, of course, the train started as soon as we spotted it. There we were, train leaving station. We did not even get upset. It was somehow expected. We got to the station and could borrow a thelephone so we could phone whoever was in charge to be able to retrive our possessions and get to the destination. Inside I was bubbling with laughter.Thinking to myself, when is this "not reaching the destination" going to end?
If anybody wonder why I write down all those dreams, it is because those are the only dreams that I remember. Normally I never remember dreams.
This time I was on the train to go to a town for some education I think. Every time the train had stoped I had walked out to look at the surroundings. Close to the destination it stoped again. I walked out and so did another passenger, a male. We talked and walked a bit along a rockwall. Then turned and remembered that the train would probably leave soon. Walked a bit faster, but, of course, the train started as soon as we spotted it. There we were, train leaving station. We did not even get upset. It was somehow expected. We got to the station and could borrow a thelephone so we could phone whoever was in charge to be able to retrive our possessions and get to the destination. Inside I was bubbling with laughter.Thinking to myself, when is this "not reaching the destination" going to end?
If anybody wonder why I write down all those dreams, it is because those are the only dreams that I remember. Normally I never remember dreams.
2008-08-04
It begins
O, my poor soul. How it longs, and my hands wants to type to spirit sites. But it does not matter, I will not go there. I will not start that all over again. It has not proven anything to me. I still see only smashes coming. I am not going back no matter how much the soul wants it.
The fight is on……….Get out of my system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fight is on……….Get out of my system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2008-08-01
Feeling others
In my life I have always been sensitive to others. What they feel, how they express things. Even if I had not the same experience I was able to understand their emotions about things.
Lately that has changed somehow. Today I can walk in the shop, seeing a mother and a child. And for a brief moment I AM that mother or the child. I see situations and I am instantly one of the persons. Just for a moment. It´s kind of weird. It even works on birds. I not only notice its behavior, I AM it for a moment.
Strange!
Lately that has changed somehow. Today I can walk in the shop, seeing a mother and a child. And for a brief moment I AM that mother or the child. I see situations and I am instantly one of the persons. Just for a moment. It´s kind of weird. It even works on birds. I not only notice its behavior, I AM it for a moment.
Strange!
2008-07-29
Here we go again! Traindream! What else was expected?
It does not give up? Does it.?
This time I will just give a short version of the dream.
I was in the trainstation serching for the departure of a train. I was supposed to go to some sort of celebration for me. At first there was somebody accompany me, but that person disapperd. (chip?) Then I needed to go to a restroom but found only a mens one. So went in there. Met somebody I talked to. When going out I noticed my glasses was gone. And now the time was short for departure. Searched for a moment but decided I had to run for the train. Did so. But, of course, the train left when I had but 2 m left. Stood there, thinking I could take the next one, turned to go back for the glasses. I never went back as I was aware of the nature of the dream. I had recognised it.
How many of these have I dreamt? And why? I does not make sense. Here is a complaint I am not doing the shitten work, loosing my lifes goal. BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GO THERE I GOT STOPPED. SMASHED, HIT, LEFT ON THE FLOOR CRYING. I HAD MY BRAIN SPLIT, BEEN CRYING OCEANS OF TEARS. WHEN I CLEANED THE AURA… THE DIRTCOVER WAS PUT BACK ON ME. WHEN I WANTED TO LEARN HEALING I WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING, TOLD NOT TO GO THERE. WHEN TRYING TO GO THROUGH THE VAIL IN MEDITATION, THE FIRE WAS PUT DOWN, ENDED, KILLED! I WAS THROWN OUT. And yet, it has the nerve to tell me I failed.
WHAT THE HELL DOES IT WANT FROM ME? I CERTAINLY CANT BOTH GO THERE AND NOT, SIMULTANEOUSLY. AND NOW I HAVE NO WHISH TO GO, IT HAS NOT EARNED MY TRUST. I AM NOT GOING TO BE SMASHED ONCE AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO THERE!
Get the hell out of my system! Don´t give me any more of those shitten dreams!
This time I will just give a short version of the dream.
I was in the trainstation serching for the departure of a train. I was supposed to go to some sort of celebration for me. At first there was somebody accompany me, but that person disapperd. (chip?) Then I needed to go to a restroom but found only a mens one. So went in there. Met somebody I talked to. When going out I noticed my glasses was gone. And now the time was short for departure. Searched for a moment but decided I had to run for the train. Did so. But, of course, the train left when I had but 2 m left. Stood there, thinking I could take the next one, turned to go back for the glasses. I never went back as I was aware of the nature of the dream. I had recognised it.
How many of these have I dreamt? And why? I does not make sense. Here is a complaint I am not doing the shitten work, loosing my lifes goal. BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GO THERE I GOT STOPPED. SMASHED, HIT, LEFT ON THE FLOOR CRYING. I HAD MY BRAIN SPLIT, BEEN CRYING OCEANS OF TEARS. WHEN I CLEANED THE AURA… THE DIRTCOVER WAS PUT BACK ON ME. WHEN I WANTED TO LEARN HEALING I WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING, TOLD NOT TO GO THERE. WHEN TRYING TO GO THROUGH THE VAIL IN MEDITATION, THE FIRE WAS PUT DOWN, ENDED, KILLED! I WAS THROWN OUT. And yet, it has the nerve to tell me I failed.
WHAT THE HELL DOES IT WANT FROM ME? I CERTAINLY CANT BOTH GO THERE AND NOT, SIMULTANEOUSLY. AND NOW I HAVE NO WHISH TO GO, IT HAS NOT EARNED MY TRUST. I AM NOT GOING TO BE SMASHED ONCE AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO THERE!
Get the hell out of my system! Don´t give me any more of those shitten dreams!
2008-07-17
So stupid it makes me angry
This morning I dreamed again. But this time it took me several hours before I realized what it was all about. A coment to my last posting.
I dreamt that my mother, who past away last october, came to the house. She looked very dead. But she was a teacher now, obviously. Then my dad, still alive, was joining her. They made a lot of fuss to be certain I understood that they were going to another town to teach somebody else. They really made it clear that they were leaving to do that.
End of dream.
So, this time it was no missing any trains or cargoships. This time the teacher was going elswhere. Really……..going.
The dream so stupid it makes me sick to my stomach. Where the hell is the wisdom? If this is "guiding" it is sooo bad it makes me ashamed. It behaves like an imature teenager. Pisses me off. Is there no remedy that can poisen this so I get rid of it?
I dreamt that my mother, who past away last october, came to the house. She looked very dead. But she was a teacher now, obviously. Then my dad, still alive, was joining her. They made a lot of fuss to be certain I understood that they were going to another town to teach somebody else. They really made it clear that they were leaving to do that.
End of dream.
So, this time it was no missing any trains or cargoships. This time the teacher was going elswhere. Really……..going.
The dream so stupid it makes me sick to my stomach. Where the hell is the wisdom? If this is "guiding" it is sooo bad it makes me ashamed. It behaves like an imature teenager. Pisses me off. Is there no remedy that can poisen this so I get rid of it?
2008-07-14
Mist
When I come in here nowadays, I find it strange. Was all this real? It was what my life circled around for 10-12 years. Something like that. Now it seems like a dream, a bad dream, far away, covered in mist. It´s hard to understand it was real. The urges, the longing, the duality. I never understood it.
Most of the time it was nothing but pain and suffering. I have to admit though that there was some good friends to light it up. Well, if they was friends, or if I was? Makes no difference, it is all gone now. Don´t think there will be much more to analyse. That world, that bad dream, is fading away like in the movies. Life comes back.
What I learned, if I learned, went away faster then it came. Left me empty. In the mist.
Maybe it is time to close this site?
Kids, kayaking, butterflies…………….that´s life!
Most of the time it was nothing but pain and suffering. I have to admit though that there was some good friends to light it up. Well, if they was friends, or if I was? Makes no difference, it is all gone now. Don´t think there will be much more to analyse. That world, that bad dream, is fading away like in the movies. Life comes back.
What I learned, if I learned, went away faster then it came. Left me empty. In the mist.
Maybe it is time to close this site?
Kids, kayaking, butterflies…………….that´s life!
2008-07-11
2008-07-09
Responsibility?
Have been reading a mag about the mind and brain. (Scientific American Mind).
One really wonders, can a person ever hold responsibility for what is wired in the their brains? I mean, everything seem to depend on how the brain is built. Everything from happiness to becoming a murder and abuser. Cancer as well as sleep patterns, your sexual desires as well as your taste of food. There is literally nothing that can be said to be "your own choice". It is all dictated by the brain.
Makes me wonder about Karma. Is it the law of karma that wires our brains? Sending us into one disaster after another? Maybe people needed an explanation for how we work and did not know what caused it. So "the law of karma" was invented. If Karma really exists………who is responsible for wiring our brains? Who is so great it can deal with us as it chooses? And mostly treat us like shit? WHO has the RIGHT to do it? I am not sure I like to hear the answer.
In an article I have read about religious experiences. That too is wired in the brain as it seems. Surely visions and altered states of mind depends of conditions of the brain.
So, I am not responsible for anything. Not even what I choose to eat. Or whom I love. If I do love at all.
: (
One really wonders, can a person ever hold responsibility for what is wired in the their brains? I mean, everything seem to depend on how the brain is built. Everything from happiness to becoming a murder and abuser. Cancer as well as sleep patterns, your sexual desires as well as your taste of food. There is literally nothing that can be said to be "your own choice". It is all dictated by the brain.
Makes me wonder about Karma. Is it the law of karma that wires our brains? Sending us into one disaster after another? Maybe people needed an explanation for how we work and did not know what caused it. So "the law of karma" was invented. If Karma really exists………who is responsible for wiring our brains? Who is so great it can deal with us as it chooses? And mostly treat us like shit? WHO has the RIGHT to do it? I am not sure I like to hear the answer.
In an article I have read about religious experiences. That too is wired in the brain as it seems. Surely visions and altered states of mind depends of conditions of the brain.
So, I am not responsible for anything. Not even what I choose to eat. Or whom I love. If I do love at all.
: (
2008-07-06
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