All I wanted……

…was some peace at heart.

Looked up some old stuff I had on the internet 8 years ago. I had a homepage and posted some diary about the troublesome times due to yoga-school. I had it hidden, could not decide if I wanted people to read it. But it made me start looking for answers on the internet.

I started yoga/meditation school because I was so tired due to work and men trouble. Everywhere there was articles about the benefits of yoga and meditation. Should make you calm, strong and happy. I had done some earlier in life with rather good result so I was not suspicious. But I should have been. If I had known then……..I would never started that yoga class.

At that time I knew nothing about religion, the Dark Night, awakening, enlightenment, the Abolute or Rigpa. All I wanted was some piece at heart. And that was the only thing I never got. I was thrown into a journey I did not know anything about. Had no clue of what it was about. Did not know what happened or what it ment. Searching everywhere for answers but rearely found any. Still don´t know really what it is. Why all this throuble has occurred for something I don´t even know if I want. Trying to fit all those things together. Energy, healing, astral, visions, dreams, minds, love, illusion to name a few.

And all those “hits”. In the blogentry I mentioned the snaps in my brain. There are two kinds, one that snap in the back of the brain. Did not happen the past two years I think. The other always comes when I relax before I go to sleep. It is like the brain squezzes for a second. Accompanied with a sound I can´t describe.

It is strange. 9 years ago I knew nothing about this. A lot happened during those years, but the basic understanding I had at that time is still the same today. And now………..all this for nothing. I did not even get that peace. On the contrary, everything has been taken from me. Ripped away. I am naked with a blindfold that is wet of tears.

Wisdom, what is it?

Isn´t it said that the awakened people should be wise. At least the ancient ones supposed to be that. But what does it mean?

I have met some people online that is awakened. But I don´t find any wisdom there. If they has become ALL. The Absolute or Rigpa or God, wouldn´t they have become “bigger” then a human mentally? They still seem as limitied to me. Instead I find they seem to have forgotten what it is to be human. I thought a wise person should have the ability to give me useful clues to work with. But they seem as lost as I am. I don´t know, maybe I will change my mind about this one day, but for now I don´t know what that “wisdom” is.

Obstacles

Dear,
in a way this is a kind of “farewell” letter. The events this past month has now convinced me that it is of no use to discuss this topic, or to try to get trou the vail. The resistence is to great.

So many things that happened it is impossible that it is coincidents. I know you and others say that Rigpa/Absolute has no whises or anything, yet there is something controlling what happens to me. This time it is clear that even you have been tampered with. You know me so well and yet wrote as you did. In the last email you changed the illusion part to “You are trying to grasp Rigpa intellectualy.” Something like that. Completly forgotten all I have said about the second id, visions, obe:s, the spot in the heart, energy. That half of me is already there. Either you never believed me or you were blinded so you did not see. It´s my heart that tries to understand, intellect is a varifying factor. This time even the internet was manipulated. Missing mails, adresses that failed. Everything worked against it. You complained about me being angry, rightfully, but I was never heard until I screamed, was angry or had the crying attacks. But that does not matter anymore.

There are so many obstacles I don´t know how to ever get passed it. The more I try the harder the obstacles. “The tall man seem to tighten that rob that it covered up my cleaned aura with”. (from that meditation/vision) I am not wanted. If it is not Rigpa that does it, it is something on the astrals. Something does not want me there, but does not leave me either. Last night I had to take one of those pills to be able to sleep. That is not a good sign.

Now, I decided not to discuss this matter any more. It is of no use. Neither will I read anything more. Maybe that is what was indicated when I heard that “let her go”. As the blog came back I might write something now and then. To get things out of my system. But nothing else. I´ll have to find other things to do, to get back “to life”.

No more discussion

It seems impossible for me to make me understood. No matter how I try it gets wrong. Had a conversation about illusion and failed gravely. I will never understand what it is. It does seem to have a strange meaning that I can´t grasp. Never been good at hidden meanings. Hate them!

I´ll stop discussing spiritual stuff from now on. Might post some now and then, if the reader understand does not matter. It´s just a way to get things off my chest.

Quantum car

quote:
If I had a tiny car made of quantum particles. And a parkinglot in my heart region. Then I could drive out of my body, throw the walls of my house. After a while I pass the city of Gothenburg. Drive over to pass the Brittish islands and dive into the ocean. After some time I drive up in New York and further on to The Great Lakes, finally I park my tiny car in a parkinlot in Your heart. During all that travelling the quantum driver never ever saw a border. It was not aware of people, trees, walls or ocean water. Those things was there, but not known. On Quantum level it is not.

Dec 15th I sent the above to my friend. Now I have to change it a bit.
The little driver/car that is the same, does have awareness. More so, it don´t have to drive all that way unless it wants to. Instantly it can pop up anywhere it wants. Then it can rise through all levels and be aware of the surroundings. Knowing if it is a human, car or tree or anything else it rises throu. Then it sinks back to it´s quantum “restingplace”. Then it goes someplace else in that place that isn´t a place.

Wonder if I have to change it again! lol Probably!

Thoughts and idéas that pop up in the brain…

Where do they come from?

Was looking at some older posts. One with a message “the humans are changing”. I don´t know how many times I got what appears to be messages. Just popping up into the brain from “out of the blue”. Sometimes they are understood. Sometimes they have no meaning I can see.

Everything that has been on the table lately when it comes to awakening makes me wonder. When appearances and thoughts rise and fall in Rigpa. Could those “messages” be something that was ment for another? I mean, maybe as a fraction in someone eleses conversation that took the wrong path and ended up in my brain. That would be some kind of proof that there is really but one mind. And all “private” minds overlapping each other. (Have to use common words even if my mind has a slightly diffent image of what might occur)

Happy New Year!

Last day of the year! Today I wonder if the next one will finally see me released. I wouldn´t mind se teh end of this struggle. Today I will visit my father for New Years dinner. Wonder if I shall warn him? I mean, if I go nuts?? If I reach the place where I am aimed, then it certainly might be a rough ride. At least it had indicated that I am closing in.

Aimed at…Rigpa

I am in the middle of a conversation with c about illusions and stuff. About a week ago she gave me the link to “Seeing with naked eyes” that actually is very good.

Well I have been introcuced to a new name, Rigpa, that should equal the Absolute. There is some pieces missing in the blog due to it has been gone for 4 months. So some background happenings is missing. I will ad some of it later on to get the picture.

For now, what came to mind during this discussion about the nature of Rigpa, was “this is where I am aimed”. This is Home.

C was kind and described how she experience her present situation. Not what it IS, but how it works. As far as one can describe that. Seems as I did misunderstood something thou. I have to reread it.

I took the picture at the top of the blog this morning when I should meditate. Yesterday I had the same candle and when I looked at it though halfclosed eyes I saw the rays of light coming towards me. It was nice, but hard to get on a photo.

Thanks

I would like to thank the blog support staff. They made a good job of finding the blog I deleted. I asked them if it was possible to retrieve the URL. They found and restored the entire blog.

Thanks guys!

crying attacks again

there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.

071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.

Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.

After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.

I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE , I need to know. What does it DO to your life?

Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L

Please , tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.

Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.

Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.

Mirror

the way you did the imagining your self in a mirror will not do it.

Imagine your self imagining, that's all, nothing more nothing less. Tell me what does or does not happen with that.

.***************************071215
had to sit down in meditation position to try. I could not do it!

I can´t imagine myself imagining. As soon as I tried it is no longer “only me”. I invented a copy of me this time and tried to make it imagine. There is “me” and the copy. A fantasy starts.

.*************************************071215
Right, mind went blank for a while, but I did not really get frustrated, as the mind almost emedietly started to invent things to try to solve the problem. It was later it recognized it IS impossible. Your question made me doubt what I knew.

The past days my mind has been working on that. Beginning with those Tibetan books. I was not really joking when I wrote about narrowing it down to two sentences. Actually it also fits in with this “Imagine your self imagining” exercise.

When. long ago, people could not imagine what happened after death they started to imagine what happened then. Then the fantasy, what ever culture marks on it, started to fulfill itself. What one expected to happen, did. But as that IS a fantacy and some people knew that, they had to ad to the fantacy that it was not real. It is “YOU” and only you that you are aware of. And basicly that is some energies. Now energies and colors (colors is different wavelenghts) is also described. Funny how it coincides with the chakra system.

Some years ago I looked into healing systems. I noted that all of them was actually the same one just adjusted to each persons fantacy of how it works. That too was the color of the rainbow, as the chakra system. Rainbow colors are white light. So, all or it is White Light Energy. Then, in the nature I heal myself. Even if the power is not too great it works. Now you told me that all those things I notice and experience is Rigpa or the Absolute. Guess the Watcher and all of that also fits in there. Sometimes it is “my” fantasy, sometimes it is the fantasy of a higher power revealing itself back to me.

Two days ago when I biked home in the dark, a phrase popped up. “The Unified Law Of Everything”. Physics and spiritual alike. Both seeking the Combined Power to explain it all, that IS ALL.
I will work with the meditation.

Imagine yourself imaging.

And what did that do to your mind? Stopped it for a min? That is the beginning of viewing rigpa.
Have yo ever been on one of your nature walks or in your cayak....and just rested where you were with no thoughts running thru your head except maybe in the background the mind mumbling nonesense barely heard? That is near rigpa. Have you ever had one of those moments...i think we all do....where you go into kinda of a trance for a few moments and stare at nothing and think of nothing tho you know what's going on around you? It's a pleasant feeling and happens to everyone occassionaly, and can happen anywhere. That is Rigpa. Some people call it "zoning out"
Yet when rigpa is uncovered that 'moment' becomes totaly present while one still functions, and it grows into deeper presence with further removal of obstructions.
This is the Absolute Aurora, the approach is different. The curtain of emotions and thinking that hides it is moved aside, thru method, and in time rigpa shines right thru that curtain without destroying it.

.****************************
lol, do you know what I did? I imagined seeing myself in the mirror imagening.

oh. dear! Why do you think I go out in nature? This is what I seek to rest my being when it is hard times. This is what I find in the forest and the lake. That which helps me heal. The reason why I am still sane. If I did not have that I would have been insane by now.

Some days when I am too upset I can´t open up to it, but other times the mere fact that I am entering the forest alone makes me drop it and open the senses to the forest or lake. It is too bad I can´t keep it that way.

SO ALONE!

Yea, alone. There is nothing left. No family, no friends, no job, no teaching, no love. Of course they are still there in the flesh, but not for me to reach. When I am close to family I feel like a fraud. I act like I love them, but I don´t really care inside. Everything has been taken away.

To have friends at forums is now over. I can´t debate that which they talk about. And what I talk about is not heard or seen. It is like what I say and see is invisible. I talk and scream about what I need to express, but nobody listens or hears.

I even asked no-1-awakens to help me. He wrote one letter and started the usual about what I state. Oneness or devisions. I told him about the brainsplit and the hits, and he did not even respond. I wrote again and asked if what I wrote was poisenous or something. No response.

When grim brought up the white light stuff, Dhogzen, it stirred inside me. I was about to leave COT at that time. But, twice, I engaged in discussion, and bitchy star destroyed it. The last time I invited grim to email-exchange instead but then he droped out the forum.

I could not discuss that with starlight around. Don´t need to hear her remarks about split-mind, like it was a crime, diapers and poo.

It is strange, why did I know chip was not done? How did I know grim wasn´t? Now grim is chasing the very thing I endlessly asked of him and he told me it wasn´t there. When he just spoke of Neither. And refused to see life. And chip has progressed and is finally happy.

And no matter how much I tried to explain I KNOW it is but one thing, he, everybody, claimed I was attached. Because I did not see any illusion I was attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did not matter how much I explaind you can´t take something out and claim half is real half is illusion. If it is but One thing , it is all real.

Now grim chases supreme enlightenment and I am still sitting here on my chair, writing that chit down. C is happy, thanks for that, I hope grim will one day find it. Myself I can´t even begin to think I should have to study thirty years learning things just to dismiss. It is like I should have to know everything about every molecule in this body to be able to live within it. The little I saw from that book of his, the ancient teachings first teaches a lot about the Oneness just to dismiss it as being the same. Just to try to understand it they first apply qualities but simultainiously say it is not. They invented a huge world that means nothing. Dividing things just to say it is not. Very disturbing.

crying attacks again

there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.

071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.

Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.

After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.

I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?

Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L

Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.

Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.

Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.

The Eternal goes photoshooting

This morning I woke up to a misty, frosty and sunny day. Perfect for shooting some great pics. Decided quickly for a quick breakfast and then I biked out of town.

Started to shoot pretty soon as even mondane views make a nice pic in fog and sun and frost.

I spent about two hours photographing. Last place was a lake where I stayed for a while. Then the magic was gone. Frost and mist dissappeared.

When I led my bike back down the dirtroad I suddenly stopped. What the……….. ! What happened actually? I remembered a great time, looking for pics, the joy in experimenting with the settings to make it show what I wanted. I also remembered that at one point I heard myself saying “I want to look too” and trying to get “myself” in position to take back my eyes. Someone else was using it.

Then I realised “I” had been sidestepped the entire time. Being reduced to merely a sidekick. Being allowed to watch what happened but was not in charge. The Eternal Emptiness was using the body, the eyes.

I know it is often said that the Absolute has no whishes, but today, surely, it enjoyed itself. The Great Emptiness having fun.

Later on today I will post some pics on my photoblog. Then we will see if the Eternal is a good photographer.

Dream of war

Dream:
This was a kind of war dream. Ingemar (one of my troubles) was a teamleader in the dream to defeat the obstacles. No demanding attraction left. Just a teamleader. I found it strange. The dream was a mish-mash with no structure. Think the point was to show Ingemar as the teamleader that should help me fight the war. To show another side of that individual. That his role in my life was the role of obstacle, and now that part is over and the true nature is revealed. Well, suspected that. So, are the universe revealing what it does? What really happened, to earn the respect? To make me trust it? Too early for that yet.

The men
It has always been like I should love them so THEY get happy satisfied or wahtever. They always acted like they demand something and I can´t give as long as they demand it. That is why I always cursed the absolute because I have to go there on my own wish, not on demand. As I see it it is the calm periods when I go on my own that is the most fruitful. As soon as there are stupid messages or pushes I revolt. Why am I not allowed to do this my own way? You dan´t force somebody to love you. Love and respect has to be earned.

The theatre idéa

the human way: you say the canvas is real because it is solid matter, a wall, and the IMAGE unreal as it is not the humans themselves that are there it is only their projections.


the absolute way gives the opposite effect:
If you suggest that the Absolute is the Canvas and thus “real” and the images, US (the solid matter part), “unreal” you have a problem. The Canvas is unable to produce the images and so you need to ad a creator of the images.

It, the Absolute, is the object photographed. It is the photographer. It is the camera capturing the image. It is the camera projecting the image. It is every foton leaving the camera to project the image on the screen.The image is real as an image. It is every set of fotons leaving the screen to the eyes of everyone in the audience (lol, One becoming many). Every part is real. There is nothing “unreal” about it.


There are a lot of pics on my photoblog. They are not “real” photos. In the world of computers they are only a number of 0:s and 1:s. Still you can copy it, print it and put it on the wall. Every step is “real”.

The Absolute is all of it, or it is not the Absolute.

Inititated from a COT thread

Flow of life

Went to my parents this afternoon. Found my mum in a very bad condition. She has no strenght left and are crying a lot. She just want to die now. Everything is just hard work for her. My dad visited the bank today to get some papers that will allow me to withdraw money from their account. So, this is the beginning of handing over their economy to me.

I felt as I am “standing” still with life flowing around me. I have this feeling of warmth for her, but it is like I am only watching from aside. I don´t “have” the emotions, I just play them out. Don´t think she notice the difference anyway.

This happens a lot nowadays, being centered with life flowing past me. Somehow like that trainvision I had when I took care of J&M a couple of years ago. When I was watching my life going on outside the train windows.

Mother expeience
When i got there today my mother (she is 85 yrs) was angry. I took her and led her to her chair. I was kneeling and holding her arms. She was crying and struggling. Then I somehow is “centered” My mother and I was united partly, like siamese twins. Then I felt a package of “love”, sort of, being sent from "my" body to "hers". And she relaxed. But “I” am just watching everything happening. I got confused somehow because I am not sure who we are. If we are separate or a unit. I also sense very clearly my dad being there. Watching and a part of it. (He WAS sitting in a chair in the room).

And this is my daughters birthday.

why is it needed?

There is one thing that never been cleared.

What is the reason for this transformation? Why are we forced to go throu all these works and suffering in order to awaken?

Who benefits on that? And why is it needed?

-According to Rose it is “dangerous” not to want it is considered to be spiritual immature. But from that paper I read he does not mention why it is so damn important.
-Bunnie says that it is really no big deal. Talked about the methafor “mountin, no mountin again a mountain. What changes is that you never again get attached to the world. (if I understood it) so the world is real but not a nessessery.

But there has to be a reason for this kind of work. If there was just the ascension that some talk about, that could be taken care of with evolusion. Genes and stuff. Why is this kind of work so important? What benefits comes from that, and to whom? Why play this game with religions, dark nights and hitting my head and make me cry because they hurt my heart and eyes.

Why is the spiritual work so important they spoil my human life? I have found no reason for it.


What lies beyond all this? Why this way?

070904 evening
There must be a reason for why it´s done this way. I don´t buy what I´ve been told so far. To go throu all this trouble only because a change in perception? It does not make sense. There must be another agenda. There´s no way it can be worth all that pain.

When it comes to teens changing is due to hormones, does not seem to be in this case. So that is outruled.

Was thinking of looking into that lightworker stuff, but only to think of archeangels and ascensions and spiritual wars makes me VERY tired. Wonder why everyone is at war. :(

Dream building

Dream:
I was at some work, newly moved into that area, puters place too high and such. Did not bother until some boss came in. That boss had a big stomach with some vadded stuff around. Said it would keep the back straight. When it was time to go home I looked for what means there was. There should go a bus. Took my stuff, including the dinner I prepared for my parents. Somehow I “messed up” the path to the bus and it was long gone when I got there. Fine with me and I went inside again.

Next part is searching for an exit, seemed I could not stay in the building. Still carrying the food, a small package, I walked around partly uninterested. Somebody was following me. Went throu some narrow passages, then came to some vertical round passage with an opening above. I turned back and asked if that was the way out? There seemed to be a yes as answer. I looked up, the tunnel was lit, hesitated for a moment, then turned back and went into the building again.


yeah, this is how they trick you, curse them! this is perfectly clear! Messages in dreams that means nothing.
after reading a letter from chip I realised that when I went back I no longer carried anything.
the last part reminded of the “old farm” dream when I went up the narrow warn-out stairs.


Chip:
Those dreams you described, tubes are narrow and straight, they are a direct conduit to the end, there is room only for you, not for anything you carry. The room at the top is empty Monica, because it is EMPTY, nothing is brought with you.


till c 070902
I am calmer today even if I still have a towel on my pillow at night. It tends to get wet for some mysterious reason. This morning I had a feeling that this is a battle on a different level. There is nothing you can do except being a friend.