Here we go again! Traindream! What else was expected?

It does not give up? Does it.?

This time I will just give a short version of the dream.

I was in the trainstation serching for the departure of a train. I was supposed to go to some sort of celebration for me. At first there was somebody accompany me, but that person disapperd. (chip?) Then I needed to go to a restroom but found only a mens one. So went in there. Met somebody I talked to. When going out I noticed my glasses was gone. And now the time was short for departure. Searched for a moment but decided I had to run for the train. Did so. But, of course, the train left when I had but 2 m left. Stood there, thinking I could take the next one, turned to go back for the glasses. I never went back as I was aware of the nature of the dream. I had recognised it.

How many of these have I dreamt? And why? I does not make sense. Here is a complaint I am not doing the shitten work, loosing my lifes goal. BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GO THERE I GOT STOPPED. SMASHED, HIT, LEFT ON THE FLOOR CRYING. I HAD MY BRAIN SPLIT, BEEN CRYING OCEANS OF TEARS. WHEN I CLEANED THE AURA… THE DIRTCOVER WAS PUT BACK ON ME. WHEN I WANTED TO LEARN HEALING I WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING, TOLD NOT TO GO THERE. WHEN TRYING TO GO THROUGH THE VAIL IN MEDITATION, THE FIRE WAS PUT DOWN, ENDED, KILLED! I WAS THROWN OUT. And yet, it has the nerve to tell me I failed.

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT WANT FROM ME? I CERTAINLY CANT BOTH GO THERE AND NOT, SIMULTANEOUSLY. AND NOW I HAVE NO WHISH TO GO, IT HAS NOT EARNED MY TRUST. I AM NOT GOING TO BE SMASHED ONCE AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO THERE!

Get the hell out of my system! Don´t give me any more of those shitten dreams!

So stupid it makes me angry

This morning I dreamed again. But this time it took me several hours before I realized what it was all about. A coment to my last posting.

I dreamt that my mother, who past away last october, came to the house. She looked very dead. But she was a teacher now, obviously. Then my dad, still alive, was joining her. They made a lot of fuss to be certain I understood that they were going to another town to teach somebody else. They really made it clear that they were leaving to do that.
End of dream.

So, this time it was no missing any trains or cargoships. This time the teacher was going elswhere. Really……..going.

The dream so stupid it makes me sick to my stomach. Where the hell is the wisdom? If this is "guiding" it is sooo bad it makes me ashamed. It behaves like an imature teenager. Pisses me off. Is there no remedy that can poisen this so I get rid of it?

Mist

When I come in here nowadays, I find it strange. Was all this real? It was what my life circled around for 10-12 years. Something like that. Now it seems like a dream, a bad dream, far away, covered in mist. It´s hard to understand it was real. The urges, the longing, the duality. I never understood it.

Most of the time it was nothing but pain and suffering. I have to admit though that there was some good friends to light it up. Well, if they was friends, or if I was? Makes no difference, it is all gone now. Don´t think there will be much more to analyse. That world, that bad dream, is fading away like in the movies. Life comes back.

What I learned, if I learned, went away faster then it came. Left me empty. In the mist.

Maybe it is time to close this site?
Kids, kayaking, butterflies…………….that´s life!

Flying free

Too bad it isn´t me.

Responsibility?

Have been reading a mag about the mind and brain. (Scientific American Mind).

One really wonders, can a person ever hold responsibility for what is wired in the their brains? I mean, everything seem to depend on how the brain is built. Everything from happiness to becoming a murder and abuser. Cancer as well as sleep patterns, your sexual desires as well as your taste of food. There is literally nothing that can be said to be "your own choice". It is all dictated by the brain.

Makes me wonder about Karma. Is it the law of karma that wires our brains? Sending us into one disaster after another? Maybe people needed an explanation for how we work and did not know what caused it. So "the law of karma" was invented. If Karma really exists………who is responsible for wiring our brains? Who is so great it can deal with us as it chooses? And mostly treat us like shit? WHO has the RIGHT to do it? I am not sure I like to hear the answer.

In an article I have read about religious experiences. That too is wired in the brain as it seems. Surely visions and altered states of mind depends of conditions of the brain.

So, I am not responsible for anything. Not even what I choose to eat. Or whom I love. If I do love at all.

: (

Butterflies takes over my head

lol

Suffering

The way i see it, the only reason for suffering is ………progress.
Without suffering and dispair there would be stagnation. And life don´t like that.

So, problem is: awakened people say there is “nothing” and “nothing happens” ….ever!….how is that possible? If that is true, there would be no suffering and no dispair. And nobody to feel any of it.
PERIOD!

Here we go again.

Started again this morning. Had to take some pills again. It is soon time to get a new prescription if this continous the pesent pattern.

It is like having a bad boyfriend. Somebody that don´t love you but has to show its power over you. Stalking you! Never leave you. Promises good things but the only thing you get is pain and suffering.

I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my brain malfunctioning. But I don´t think so because this never happens around people. Only when I am alone. And when I visited a doc he did not think I was mad.
When will it end, when will I go into oblivion? Whish my dad could pass so I am free to do the same. Forest, lakes, butterflies and wild strawberries or family does not help anymore. Deathwish is strong. Probably the only way to cheat it, to escape.

Again

This morning it started again. Those convulsive feelings that cames before the crying attacks. Took some calming pills to prevent it to proceed.

I hate this, I can´t even enjoy life because of it. It´s always below the surface. Wanting, demanding. Waiting for a chance to act. …when my guard is low………just to hit me again! L

How I hate it! The only thing I want is to die, not leaving any trace behind, never live on other planes. “Higher” they call them. What a joke, I don´t WANT to live forever in some shitten eternity. I don´t care how it is. Is it too much to ask……..just to dissappear……never to be aware again.

I HATE THIS!
And………again…………it´s raining tears……..does not matter, am not starting all over again. Will take more pills.

Abusive bitch!

If, as they say, nothing matters and nothing exists, THEN no agony should be needed. The damned universe should not hold everybody in pain. It is not needed.

The sh-n universe is an abusive bitch. And it still don´t get it, I don´t want to become what it seems to be. It is still sneeking around to try to lure me to start all over again. Just to smash my head once again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I am not doing it. Get the h-l out of my system!

The past days I´ve been watching news again. Have avoided it for a couple of years. Really, awakened people thinks it is all ok, no good, no bad. All is fine! What a joke. If it does not matter, why all evil?

Something is very wrong about this stuff.

The “Ride” again

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

The “Ride” again

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

Rid yourself………….

……………of men and “Gods” and suddenly …. life is almost worth living.

………..same old

Have been trying to read books again. Usual books about people. Not spiritual ones. It does not interest me anymore. People does not bother me anymore. Chip said it is a beautiful world. I wonder what kind of eyes she ses with? To me it is just “same old, same old” everything I see and hear and read………. been there before. Feelings, idéas, adventure……….been there, old stuff. Why do I recognise everything? And nobody recognises me.

It starts pulling again, for what purpose? There is nothing for me to read and nobody for me to talk to. Vacuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Apartments again

First, my dad told me yesterday he had been visited by my mother twice last night. She died 8 months ago.

OK, woke up rather early this morning but managed to go back to sleep. Woke up again after 2.5h and I think the dream lasted the better part of that time.

First I was in the old place where I was working for Gunnar. It was an old, molten and dark place and I had lived there for long. There was the big old aquarium, still there, but with no fish any more. (have dreamt about it 2 before) I was cleaning up some stuff there. Old papers and stuff to throw away. Then some people arrived, and a woman came to find me. She had a parcelgoods with furniture to deliver to me.

Oh, but it shall not be in here, you have to take it to the new appartment. A place I hired in another dream. A big appartment on the topfloor of a building. Then I hurried on to clean out the old one fast so I could go to the new one and receive that parcelgoods.

When I came to the buildning I realised I had to climb on the wall, passing a very narrow place to get to the top floor. When I got into the appartment there was, again, a lot of old stuff, not mine, to clean out. Remember a lot of residue of wallpaper. So, old large appartment that is supposed to become nice and great. The first piece of furniture is in place. But I still don´t know what it was.

*************************’
So, if I get this right, I have now cleaned out and left a lot of crap behind. I am in the new place and have to make it that great place to be in. Still a lot of work to do. But with what am I supposed to fill it? I can´t use the old stuff. There can be no reading old texts for clues.

Well, anyway, it is better to build anew. But with what??????????? Better not be too happy, can still mean a lot of grief.

Gone!

Now, all books are gone. Threw them out this morning. Now I only have to “clean up” the computer. Lot´s of links to delete.

Dzogchen ended up in the lake

Says it all, doesn´t it? It´s been nagging at me for a couple of days. Tried to read some by the lake today. It is just crap, all of it sooo……..ended up in the wet. Guess I am done reading now. It became food for fish.

What an awful day.

Today I was checking out some DVD.s with relaxing systems in them. Like yoga, tatji and such.
I ended up with a day like the one in december. One crying attack after another. Kept going on for three hours. Hurts like hell. Why don´t they just kill me? I don´t want to live like this. For how many more years do I have to live like this? It does not matter what I do or not do. I still end up in this horrible situation. Why don´t they just kill me?

My eyes are sore after floods of tears, my head aching, the muscles are stiff and hurting from defence system, trying to smash things in anguish. The workout maschine was hit hard today. Trying to release some of the pain. Then I took a pill to ease it for a while.

Why don´t they just kill me if they never aprove of what I do? I wish my dad dies so I can kill myself as they don´t do it.

Sore muscles

My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them. L

Yeah…. like choosing between plague and cholera. To ease the stiff and aching muscles I have to go where I know I will ultimately be back in being smashed. Is there any way to balance this at all? How can I let the body use what the mind can´t handle? Is it possible at all? When the body relaxes into ……… the mind and spirit follows, then, back to being smashed………..like before, so many months to try to heal, just to being cut to pieces again.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I can´t.

Free will & Sore muscles

Was reading about tests indicating free will as tests indicate descission is made before we are aware of it. I´d say these testresults is not an indication if there is free will or not. It is more likely to be the first indication that we are NOT the body/brain. There is a spirit of sorts that IS US. That spirit “me” is doing the descision, then there is a delay until it can be executed in the body. Much like a driver in a car. The driver makes the decision, then it has to be trenaformed to the car that executes it. And much like a driver is dependent of the quality of the car, the spirit is dependent of the quality of the body-brain system at it´s disposal.

So, more research might show us the spirit that we are. And the question of free will must be placed on a higher level.


My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them.