Yea, alone. There is nothing left. No family, no friends, no job, no teaching, no love. Of course they are still there in the flesh, but not for me to reach. When I am close to family I feel like a fraud. I act like I love them, but I don´t really care inside. Everything has been taken away.
To have friends at forums is now over. I can´t debate that which they talk about. And what I talk about is not heard or seen. It is like what I say and see is invisible. I talk and scream about what I need to express, but nobody listens or hears.
I even asked no-1-awakens to help me. He wrote one letter and started the usual about what I state. Oneness or devisions. I told him about the brainsplit and the hits, and he did not even respond. I wrote again and asked if what I wrote was poisenous or something. No response.
When grim brought up the white light stuff, Dhogzen, it stirred inside me. I was about to leave COT at that time. But, twice, I engaged in discussion, and bitchy star destroyed it. The last time I invited grim to email-exchange instead but then he droped out the forum.
I could not discuss that with starlight around. Don´t need to hear her remarks about split-mind, like it was a crime, diapers and poo.
It is strange, why did I know chip was not done? How did I know grim wasn´t? Now grim is chasing the very thing I endlessly asked of him and he told me it wasn´t there. When he just spoke of Neither. And refused to see life. And chip has progressed and is finally happy.
And no matter how much I tried to explain I KNOW it is but one thing, he, everybody, claimed I was attached. Because I did not see any illusion I was attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did not matter how much I explaind you can´t take something out and claim half is real half is illusion. If it is but One thing , it is all real.
Now grim chases supreme enlightenment and I am still sitting here on my chair, writing that chit down. C is happy, thanks for that, I hope grim will one day find it. Myself I can´t even begin to think I should have to study thirty years learning things just to dismiss. It is like I should have to know everything about every molecule in this body to be able to live within it. The little I saw from that book of his, the ancient teachings first teaches a lot about the Oneness just to dismiss it as being the same. Just to try to understand it they first apply qualities but simultainiously say it is not. They invented a huge world that means nothing. Dividing things just to say it is not. Very disturbing.
2007-11-30
2007-11-20
crying attacks again
there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.
071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.
Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.
After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.
I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?
Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L
Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.
Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.
Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.
071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.
Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.
After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.
I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?
Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L
Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.
Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.
Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.
2007-10-25
The Eternal goes photoshooting
This morning I woke up to a misty, frosty and sunny day. Perfect for shooting some great pics. Decided quickly for a quick breakfast and then I biked out of town.
Started to shoot pretty soon as even mondane views make a nice pic in fog and sun and frost.
I spent about two hours photographing. Last place was a lake where I stayed for a while. Then the magic was gone. Frost and mist dissappeared.
When I led my bike back down the dirtroad I suddenly stopped. What the……….. ! What happened actually? I remembered a great time, looking for pics, the joy in experimenting with the settings to make it show what I wanted. I also remembered that at one point I heard myself saying “I want to look too” and trying to get “myself” in position to take back my eyes. Someone else was using it.
Then I realised “I” had been sidestepped the entire time. Being reduced to merely a sidekick. Being allowed to watch what happened but was not in charge. The Eternal Emptiness was using the body, the eyes.
I know it is often said that the Absolute has no whishes, but today, surely, it enjoyed itself. The Great Emptiness having fun.
Later on today I will post some pics on my photoblog. Then we will see if the Eternal is a good photographer.
Started to shoot pretty soon as even mondane views make a nice pic in fog and sun and frost.
I spent about two hours photographing. Last place was a lake where I stayed for a while. Then the magic was gone. Frost and mist dissappeared.
When I led my bike back down the dirtroad I suddenly stopped. What the……….. ! What happened actually? I remembered a great time, looking for pics, the joy in experimenting with the settings to make it show what I wanted. I also remembered that at one point I heard myself saying “I want to look too” and trying to get “myself” in position to take back my eyes. Someone else was using it.
Then I realised “I” had been sidestepped the entire time. Being reduced to merely a sidekick. Being allowed to watch what happened but was not in charge. The Eternal Emptiness was using the body, the eyes.
I know it is often said that the Absolute has no whishes, but today, surely, it enjoyed itself. The Great Emptiness having fun.
Later on today I will post some pics on my photoblog. Then we will see if the Eternal is a good photographer.
2007-09-30
Dream of war
Dream:
This was a kind of war dream. Ingemar (one of my troubles) was a teamleader in the dream to defeat the obstacles. No demanding attraction left. Just a teamleader. I found it strange. The dream was a mish-mash with no structure. Think the point was to show Ingemar as the teamleader that should help me fight the war. To show another side of that individual. That his role in my life was the role of obstacle, and now that part is over and the true nature is revealed. Well, suspected that. So, are the universe revealing what it does? What really happened, to earn the respect? To make me trust it? Too early for that yet.
The men
It has always been like I should love them so THEY get happy satisfied or wahtever. They always acted like they demand something and I can´t give as long as they demand it. That is why I always cursed the absolute because I have to go there on my own wish, not on demand. As I see it it is the calm periods when I go on my own that is the most fruitful. As soon as there are stupid messages or pushes I revolt. Why am I not allowed to do this my own way? You dan´t force somebody to love you. Love and respect has to be earned.
This was a kind of war dream. Ingemar (one of my troubles) was a teamleader in the dream to defeat the obstacles. No demanding attraction left. Just a teamleader. I found it strange. The dream was a mish-mash with no structure. Think the point was to show Ingemar as the teamleader that should help me fight the war. To show another side of that individual. That his role in my life was the role of obstacle, and now that part is over and the true nature is revealed. Well, suspected that. So, are the universe revealing what it does? What really happened, to earn the respect? To make me trust it? Too early for that yet.
The men
It has always been like I should love them so THEY get happy satisfied or wahtever. They always acted like they demand something and I can´t give as long as they demand it. That is why I always cursed the absolute because I have to go there on my own wish, not on demand. As I see it it is the calm periods when I go on my own that is the most fruitful. As soon as there are stupid messages or pushes I revolt. Why am I not allowed to do this my own way? You dan´t force somebody to love you. Love and respect has to be earned.
2007-09-16
The theatre idéa
the human way: you say the canvas is real because it is solid matter, a wall, and the IMAGE unreal as it is not the humans themselves that are there it is only their projections.
the absolute way gives the opposite effect:
If you suggest that the Absolute is the Canvas and thus “real” and the images, US (the solid matter part), “unreal” you have a problem. The Canvas is unable to produce the images and so you need to ad a creator of the images.
It, the Absolute, is the object photographed. It is the photographer. It is the camera capturing the image. It is the camera projecting the image. It is every foton leaving the camera to project the image on the screen.The image is real as an image. It is every set of fotons leaving the screen to the eyes of everyone in the audience (lol, One becoming many). Every part is real. There is nothing “unreal” about it.
There are a lot of pics on my photoblog. They are not “real” photos. In the world of computers they are only a number of 0:s and 1:s. Still you can copy it, print it and put it on the wall. Every step is “real”.
The Absolute is all of it, or it is not the Absolute.
Inititated from a COT thread
the absolute way gives the opposite effect:
If you suggest that the Absolute is the Canvas and thus “real” and the images, US (the solid matter part), “unreal” you have a problem. The Canvas is unable to produce the images and so you need to ad a creator of the images.
It, the Absolute, is the object photographed. It is the photographer. It is the camera capturing the image. It is the camera projecting the image. It is every foton leaving the camera to project the image on the screen.The image is real as an image. It is every set of fotons leaving the screen to the eyes of everyone in the audience (lol, One becoming many). Every part is real. There is nothing “unreal” about it.
There are a lot of pics on my photoblog. They are not “real” photos. In the world of computers they are only a number of 0:s and 1:s. Still you can copy it, print it and put it on the wall. Every step is “real”.
The Absolute is all of it, or it is not the Absolute.
Inititated from a COT thread
2007-09-11
Flow of life
Went to my parents this afternoon. Found my mum in a very bad condition. She has no strenght left and are crying a lot. She just want to die now. Everything is just hard work for her. My dad visited the bank today to get some papers that will allow me to withdraw money from their account. So, this is the beginning of handing over their economy to me.
I felt as I am “standing” still with life flowing around me. I have this feeling of warmth for her, but it is like I am only watching from aside. I don´t “have” the emotions, I just play them out. Don´t think she notice the difference anyway.
This happens a lot nowadays, being centered with life flowing past me. Somehow like that trainvision I had when I took care of J&M a couple of years ago. When I was watching my life going on outside the train windows.
Mother expeience
When i got there today my mother (she is 85 yrs) was angry. I took her and led her to her chair. I was kneeling and holding her arms. She was crying and struggling. Then I somehow is “centered” My mother and I was united partly, like siamese twins. Then I felt a package of “love”, sort of, being sent from "my" body to "hers". And she relaxed. But “I” am just watching everything happening. I got confused somehow because I am not sure who we are. If we are separate or a unit. I also sense very clearly my dad being there. Watching and a part of it. (He WAS sitting in a chair in the room).
And this is my daughters birthday.
I felt as I am “standing” still with life flowing around me. I have this feeling of warmth for her, but it is like I am only watching from aside. I don´t “have” the emotions, I just play them out. Don´t think she notice the difference anyway.
This happens a lot nowadays, being centered with life flowing past me. Somehow like that trainvision I had when I took care of J&M a couple of years ago. When I was watching my life going on outside the train windows.
Mother expeience
When i got there today my mother (she is 85 yrs) was angry. I took her and led her to her chair. I was kneeling and holding her arms. She was crying and struggling. Then I somehow is “centered” My mother and I was united partly, like siamese twins. Then I felt a package of “love”, sort of, being sent from "my" body to "hers". And she relaxed. But “I” am just watching everything happening. I got confused somehow because I am not sure who we are. If we are separate or a unit. I also sense very clearly my dad being there. Watching and a part of it. (He WAS sitting in a chair in the room).
And this is my daughters birthday.
2007-09-04
why is it needed?
There is one thing that never been cleared.
What is the reason for this transformation? Why are we forced to go throu all these works and suffering in order to awaken?
Who benefits on that? And why is it needed?
-According to Rose it is “dangerous” not to want it is considered to be spiritual immature. But from that paper I read he does not mention why it is so damn important.
-Bunnie says that it is really no big deal. Talked about the methafor “mountin, no mountin again a mountain. What changes is that you never again get attached to the world. (if I understood it) so the world is real but not a nessessery.
But there has to be a reason for this kind of work. If there was just the ascension that some talk about, that could be taken care of with evolusion. Genes and stuff. Why is this kind of work so important? What benefits comes from that, and to whom? Why play this game with religions, dark nights and hitting my head and make me cry because they hurt my heart and eyes.
Why is the spiritual work so important they spoil my human life? I have found no reason for it.
What lies beyond all this? Why this way?
070904 evening
There must be a reason for why it´s done this way. I don´t buy what I´ve been told so far. To go throu all this trouble only because a change in perception? It does not make sense. There must be another agenda. There´s no way it can be worth all that pain.
When it comes to teens changing is due to hormones, does not seem to be in this case. So that is outruled.
Was thinking of looking into that lightworker stuff, but only to think of archeangels and ascensions and spiritual wars makes me VERY tired. Wonder why everyone is at war. :(
What is the reason for this transformation? Why are we forced to go throu all these works and suffering in order to awaken?
Who benefits on that? And why is it needed?
-According to Rose it is “dangerous” not to want it is considered to be spiritual immature. But from that paper I read he does not mention why it is so damn important.
-Bunnie says that it is really no big deal. Talked about the methafor “mountin, no mountin again a mountain. What changes is that you never again get attached to the world. (if I understood it) so the world is real but not a nessessery.
But there has to be a reason for this kind of work. If there was just the ascension that some talk about, that could be taken care of with evolusion. Genes and stuff. Why is this kind of work so important? What benefits comes from that, and to whom? Why play this game with religions, dark nights and hitting my head and make me cry because they hurt my heart and eyes.
Why is the spiritual work so important they spoil my human life? I have found no reason for it.
What lies beyond all this? Why this way?
070904 evening
There must be a reason for why it´s done this way. I don´t buy what I´ve been told so far. To go throu all this trouble only because a change in perception? It does not make sense. There must be another agenda. There´s no way it can be worth all that pain.
When it comes to teens changing is due to hormones, does not seem to be in this case. So that is outruled.
Was thinking of looking into that lightworker stuff, but only to think of archeangels and ascensions and spiritual wars makes me VERY tired. Wonder why everyone is at war. :(
2007-09-01
Dream building
Dream:
I was at some work, newly moved into that area, puters place too high and such. Did not bother until some boss came in. That boss had a big stomach with some vadded stuff around. Said it would keep the back straight. When it was time to go home I looked for what means there was. There should go a bus. Took my stuff, including the dinner I prepared for my parents. Somehow I “messed up” the path to the bus and it was long gone when I got there. Fine with me and I went inside again.
Next part is searching for an exit, seemed I could not stay in the building. Still carrying the food, a small package, I walked around partly uninterested. Somebody was following me. Went throu some narrow passages, then came to some vertical round passage with an opening above. I turned back and asked if that was the way out? There seemed to be a yes as answer. I looked up, the tunnel was lit, hesitated for a moment, then turned back and went into the building again.
yeah, this is how they trick you, curse them! this is perfectly clear! Messages in dreams that means nothing.
after reading a letter from chip I realised that when I went back I no longer carried anything.
the last part reminded of the “old farm” dream when I went up the narrow warn-out stairs.
Chip:
Those dreams you described, tubes are narrow and straight, they are a direct conduit to the end, there is room only for you, not for anything you carry. The room at the top is empty Monica, because it is EMPTY, nothing is brought with you.
till c 070902
I am calmer today even if I still have a towel on my pillow at night. It tends to get wet for some mysterious reason. This morning I had a feeling that this is a battle on a different level. There is nothing you can do except being a friend.
I was at some work, newly moved into that area, puters place too high and such. Did not bother until some boss came in. That boss had a big stomach with some vadded stuff around. Said it would keep the back straight. When it was time to go home I looked for what means there was. There should go a bus. Took my stuff, including the dinner I prepared for my parents. Somehow I “messed up” the path to the bus and it was long gone when I got there. Fine with me and I went inside again.
Next part is searching for an exit, seemed I could not stay in the building. Still carrying the food, a small package, I walked around partly uninterested. Somebody was following me. Went throu some narrow passages, then came to some vertical round passage with an opening above. I turned back and asked if that was the way out? There seemed to be a yes as answer. I looked up, the tunnel was lit, hesitated for a moment, then turned back and went into the building again.
yeah, this is how they trick you, curse them! this is perfectly clear! Messages in dreams that means nothing.
after reading a letter from chip I realised that when I went back I no longer carried anything.
the last part reminded of the “old farm” dream when I went up the narrow warn-out stairs.
Chip:
Those dreams you described, tubes are narrow and straight, they are a direct conduit to the end, there is room only for you, not for anything you carry. The room at the top is empty Monica, because it is EMPTY, nothing is brought with you.
till c 070902
I am calmer today even if I still have a towel on my pillow at night. It tends to get wet for some mysterious reason. This morning I had a feeling that this is a battle on a different level. There is nothing you can do except being a friend.
2007-08-31
Deleted, letter to a friend
Hi friend, just want to say I deleted the blog before I went to bed last night. Not because of you, if you read the blog you have seen it´s been on my mind for some time. Started with deleting the forum about two months ago. There will be no more whining and complaining!
You say:” Either go whole hog or drop it.” and “Get on with it or drop it”, so far my experience is that I can block it for a while, but then it sneakes back if I don´t watch out. This past year I have tried to keep a low profile to keep it calm. Now that period is over.
It really makes no difference if it, my problems, comes from hidden consciousness or “outside” spirits. The result is the same.
It does not matter if I wanted to “go for it”, I would not know how to do that. We have a saying in sweden, “burnt child fears fire”. That is where I am. If I was a testanimal I would starve to death with food right in front of my nose because it gives me charges when I try to tuch it.
As you know I have no nice experiences that will make me go, that could serve as a carrot. I only had the 10 minutes when dancing in the forest. And that was probably not spiritual, rather a rush of adrenalin or other chemicals in the brain (sorry, forgot the name of the one I think of). The other times I felt nice outdoors, it was my own doing. Nothing spiritual about that.
You say:” Either go whole hog or drop it.” and “Get on with it or drop it”, so far my experience is that I can block it for a while, but then it sneakes back if I don´t watch out. This past year I have tried to keep a low profile to keep it calm. Now that period is over.
It really makes no difference if it, my problems, comes from hidden consciousness or “outside” spirits. The result is the same.
It does not matter if I wanted to “go for it”, I would not know how to do that. We have a saying in sweden, “burnt child fears fire”. That is where I am. If I was a testanimal I would starve to death with food right in front of my nose because it gives me charges when I try to tuch it.
As you know I have no nice experiences that will make me go, that could serve as a carrot. I only had the 10 minutes when dancing in the forest. And that was probably not spiritual, rather a rush of adrenalin or other chemicals in the brain (sorry, forgot the name of the one I think of). The other times I felt nice outdoors, it was my own doing. Nothing spiritual about that.
2007-08-30
Bad
Don´t know what to say really. I´m all messed up. Was reading that AB had a profound experience. With what happened lately with myself I felt bad about that. Not yealous, but bad. His work seem more of less done now and I never seem to get out ot this.
If this is truly “what we skall want” and “free will to do it” then why am I in this condition? I thought it had calmed down again. But no. I know that ab has investigated the “apparent” for some time now. Tried it, tasted it, smelled it. But I can´t do that . I can´t pretend that the universe, or parts of it, is “apparent”.
There is noone to talk to. I tried to get new friends as I am getting lonely. But those who was interested then don´t continue. Somehow they popped up and dissappeared. The photographing has come to a halt. Soon there will be nothing to do. It´s like it is cursed.
When I sat here I heard the mail dropping to the floor. Went to see what it was. It was a pamflett from some church. Well that was timely. I got so angry I took the pamflett. Put it in a pan and burned it on my balcony.
Everyone seem to “pull over” but me. Why can´t I do this? And as I can´t do this, why does it not leave me alone? They don´t let me live my life as I want it. Why don´t they then help me to get across? Why give me “messages” I have no clue what it means? Am I supposed to do something? I don´t dare anymore, because every time I tried to do something I was smashed. I can´t allow that anymore, not if I can avoid it. Next time I get hit I will sharpen that knife. And use it! There will be no “saving” next time.
I CAN´T DO THIS, PLEASE……….LEAVE ME ALONE
Lately I have been thinking of the purpose of writing this blog. Maybe there is still that tiny hope that ……….I don´t know.......
If this is truly “what we skall want” and “free will to do it” then why am I in this condition? I thought it had calmed down again. But no. I know that ab has investigated the “apparent” for some time now. Tried it, tasted it, smelled it. But I can´t do that . I can´t pretend that the universe, or parts of it, is “apparent”.
There is noone to talk to. I tried to get new friends as I am getting lonely. But those who was interested then don´t continue. Somehow they popped up and dissappeared. The photographing has come to a halt. Soon there will be nothing to do. It´s like it is cursed.
When I sat here I heard the mail dropping to the floor. Went to see what it was. It was a pamflett from some church. Well that was timely. I got so angry I took the pamflett. Put it in a pan and burned it on my balcony.
Everyone seem to “pull over” but me. Why can´t I do this? And as I can´t do this, why does it not leave me alone? They don´t let me live my life as I want it. Why don´t they then help me to get across? Why give me “messages” I have no clue what it means? Am I supposed to do something? I don´t dare anymore, because every time I tried to do something I was smashed. I can´t allow that anymore, not if I can avoid it. Next time I get hit I will sharpen that knife. And use it! There will be no “saving” next time.
I CAN´T DO THIS, PLEASE……….LEAVE ME ALONE
Lately I have been thinking of the purpose of writing this blog. Maybe there is still that tiny hope that ……….I don´t know.......
2007-08-23
Gratitude? Teaching?
Read a blog yesterday. It is written by an awakened being. Or so it is told.
In two posts he describes how it is to live as an enlightened. And a bit of the struggle that occurs after the event happened. To align the new identity to daily day life.
He talks a lot of his curiosity about life and his gratitude towards the universe for that and for being liberated of fear.
Well, so far so good. Is that what I want?? No, it is not what I expeced it to be. I could have that life if the spiritside did not abuse me once in a while. As he describes it there are still two. To me this sounds like the next step is another religion. From gratitude, to praying to god (he does speak of god), to altars and getting followers.
IMO if one is truly at the highest point, there should be no gratitude or curiosity. It should just be “being” and “watching”. Probably thinking the body is a pain in the a.. when stumbling around with it. Hm... maybe that is why the ancient wise once seemed to sit all the time.
On the other hand, does not scriptures say there are several levels of awakening? Think I read something somewhere. You can never know when you are done.
.***********************
BTW, why is it that pain and fear is considered teaching? Love does not have the same affect, does it? And why is it that no matter how much people talk about oneness, people still think of awakening as going in the direction from bad to good. From black to white. It should be from both sides to the middle. To calmness, stillness.
And some, nowadays, really like the word “apparent”. I keep my mouth shut. But I still wonder how they can take a piece of the whole and say it either don´t exist or that it is apparent or an illusion. How can a piece of something be other than the whole? If I live here I am not “not existing” or “apparently living”, I am living in the same right as the universe as I am a part of it. And so are the spirits, deams and whatever you can think of. There can be no other way. There should be no need for all those cryptic ways of twisting a mind.
IMO, but that might turn out to be wrong………..or……….
Friend, if you read this, I hope this is not offending to you, I hope we still are friends. You once told me you choosed to be my friend, hope it is still your choice.
In two posts he describes how it is to live as an enlightened. And a bit of the struggle that occurs after the event happened. To align the new identity to daily day life.
He talks a lot of his curiosity about life and his gratitude towards the universe for that and for being liberated of fear.
Well, so far so good. Is that what I want?? No, it is not what I expeced it to be. I could have that life if the spiritside did not abuse me once in a while. As he describes it there are still two. To me this sounds like the next step is another religion. From gratitude, to praying to god (he does speak of god), to altars and getting followers.
IMO if one is truly at the highest point, there should be no gratitude or curiosity. It should just be “being” and “watching”. Probably thinking the body is a pain in the a.. when stumbling around with it. Hm... maybe that is why the ancient wise once seemed to sit all the time.
On the other hand, does not scriptures say there are several levels of awakening? Think I read something somewhere. You can never know when you are done.
.***********************
BTW, why is it that pain and fear is considered teaching? Love does not have the same affect, does it? And why is it that no matter how much people talk about oneness, people still think of awakening as going in the direction from bad to good. From black to white. It should be from both sides to the middle. To calmness, stillness.
And some, nowadays, really like the word “apparent”. I keep my mouth shut. But I still wonder how they can take a piece of the whole and say it either don´t exist or that it is apparent or an illusion. How can a piece of something be other than the whole? If I live here I am not “not existing” or “apparently living”, I am living in the same right as the universe as I am a part of it. And so are the spirits, deams and whatever you can think of. There can be no other way. There should be no need for all those cryptic ways of twisting a mind.
IMO, but that might turn out to be wrong………..or……….
Friend, if you read this, I hope this is not offending to you, I hope we still are friends. You once told me you choosed to be my friend, hope it is still your choice.
2007-08-19
Spiritual forest
Was biking on a road I never visited before. I stoped to look for mushrooms a couple of times. Then, once, when I went into the forest I stoped dead. There was my soul. So strong spirit energy on that spot. It was calm and I could hardly move. The energy made me sit down on a stump and meditate. Did not get out of it until I noticed a lot of moscitobites on my feet.
Talk about being manipulated. Was it real or not? Can´t say until I visit the same spot once more. There are places with higer energy. This is most certainly one of them. A coincidence I found it today? Hardly!
Talk about being manipulated. Was it real or not? Can´t say until I visit the same spot once more. There are places with higer energy. This is most certainly one of them. A coincidence I found it today? Hardly!
She´s wining
She´s wining and gives me headache. I´m angry!
I think that instead of close the duality gap I started to eject her. I am tired of this whining and bad job. I am tired of being manipulated. I was fine with the idéa of true death. In fact I wanted to die. But all this crap going on, I hate it.
Now it seems like I try to get rid of the spirit. She can go elsewhere and whine and try to do what the h-l she is trying to do in such a bad way.
I had an idéa long ago that spirit was no more then a parasite to the human body, using it for it´s own purpose. The human can live without it. So, maybe that is what I do now, kick her but and ask her to leave.
I realised I do all this work with photo and a lot of other things in order to give the spirit thought lesser room. Now I go about new friends to talk to. Will give her even lesser space if I get it my way.
Sometimes I wonder what´s wrong with how “I” am. Why can´t “I” have those happy expectations of a neverending Eden? Why do “I” differ from everyone else? When I read something on Cot or elsewhere I always think, no…no..and no! It´s wrong. It´s not that way.
suuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, leave me alone, please! Get out of my head!
I think that instead of close the duality gap I started to eject her. I am tired of this whining and bad job. I am tired of being manipulated. I was fine with the idéa of true death. In fact I wanted to die. But all this crap going on, I hate it.
Now it seems like I try to get rid of the spirit. She can go elsewhere and whine and try to do what the h-l she is trying to do in such a bad way.
I had an idéa long ago that spirit was no more then a parasite to the human body, using it for it´s own purpose. The human can live without it. So, maybe that is what I do now, kick her but and ask her to leave.
I realised I do all this work with photo and a lot of other things in order to give the spirit thought lesser room. Now I go about new friends to talk to. Will give her even lesser space if I get it my way.
Sometimes I wonder what´s wrong with how “I” am. Why can´t “I” have those happy expectations of a neverending Eden? Why do “I” differ from everyone else? When I read something on Cot or elsewhere I always think, no…no..and no! It´s wrong. It´s not that way.
suuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, leave me alone, please! Get out of my head!
2007-08-17
ok,ok
I shall write it down.
The last few days I followed a thread at Cot. Starion had questions about the workings of the universe. So I offered the book about Quantum Consciousness. I also pointed out to her about sensing people on distanse and feeling people, like the kids.
Yes, but that put something I felt for long into words. Have not posted it though. And probably winn not as I don´t want to end up in discussions.
To live in this world we need the shields between us. That makes up separate. Most people call it “ego” but I don´t like that word. What is “ego” actually? I prefere to call it “identity”. Life creates shields to contain identities to fulfill the experience of life. BUT, as I see it, sometimes those shields is not perefect. There are gaps and holes. Stonger or weaker in different cases. That allowes us to know and feel others. Sometimes we strongly feel being part of, or belong, to another. And even through great distance are able to sense them. It is because there is only distance in the world of life and matter.
Those gaps provide a “peek hole” to the greater world of existence, other levels beyond this world of matter.
This has nagged at me for a few days now. Maybe now my mind can get a rest?
The last few days I followed a thread at Cot. Starion had questions about the workings of the universe. So I offered the book about Quantum Consciousness. I also pointed out to her about sensing people on distanse and feeling people, like the kids.
Yes, but that put something I felt for long into words. Have not posted it though. And probably winn not as I don´t want to end up in discussions.
To live in this world we need the shields between us. That makes up separate. Most people call it “ego” but I don´t like that word. What is “ego” actually? I prefere to call it “identity”. Life creates shields to contain identities to fulfill the experience of life. BUT, as I see it, sometimes those shields is not perefect. There are gaps and holes. Stonger or weaker in different cases. That allowes us to know and feel others. Sometimes we strongly feel being part of, or belong, to another. And even through great distance are able to sense them. It is because there is only distance in the world of life and matter.
Those gaps provide a “peek hole” to the greater world of existence, other levels beyond this world of matter.
This has nagged at me for a few days now. Maybe now my mind can get a rest?
2007-08-13
Another one
This time I was biking to the job. My college, the third person and I was working on three different jobs. We all did parts on all three jobs. When I was about to leave for home I asked my boss: you send the payment? He just frowned. So I understood there is no payment. Then I frowned too, thought :so what? Then left.
I think there was two dreams as I woke up and then went back to sleep. Don´t remember the second one, just think there was one.
So, now, still no message of WHAT to do. Earlier when I had “working dreams” it was about working on the wrong system where I could not save my work. Think I had a least 10 of them. This time, one part, is the third unknown person. And the uncertainty of getting payd somehow. In the first dream the third person was leading the work somehow, now it is working beside. Taking part of the work.
Still have no message of what to do?? I´m not starting anything again unless I am shown in what direction I shall go. Spirit! Do a better job! We are part of the same, you know I hate riddles. If you can produce riddles, you´re also able to produce something I can use.
If something has to be done, be specific or I will not work. I´ve taken contol of dreams once before when I got mad enough. I can do it again and destroy the dreams.
I think there was two dreams as I woke up and then went back to sleep. Don´t remember the second one, just think there was one.
So, now, still no message of WHAT to do. Earlier when I had “working dreams” it was about working on the wrong system where I could not save my work. Think I had a least 10 of them. This time, one part, is the third unknown person. And the uncertainty of getting payd somehow. In the first dream the third person was leading the work somehow, now it is working beside. Taking part of the work.
Still have no message of what to do?? I´m not starting anything again unless I am shown in what direction I shall go. Spirit! Do a better job! We are part of the same, you know I hate riddles. If you can produce riddles, you´re also able to produce something I can use.
If something has to be done, be specific or I will not work. I´ve taken contol of dreams once before when I got mad enough. I can do it again and destroy the dreams.
2007-08-11
Another dream
Dreamt again. This time about work.
My last boss called me to do a days work. He had been asked to do something to see if we could do it and get the job. It was not my regular job, more like an investigation of sorts.
I took the train and worked one day, some persons was involved that somehow guided that work. I did not really see them, was only aware that somebody was there. I never figured out what we were doing even if work was done. In the afternoon the boss came back and talked to the others. I got no message so I packed up and made myself ready to go to the station. My bosses wife came in, are you packing? Yes, nobody said I shall be working with this so I clear up.But they said you were doing a good job she said. Well, nobody told me. My boss was supposed to take me to the station (that is the normal deal since I moved in the real life) We went and I waited for him to tell me if I am to work or not. There was a feeling that I should, but nothing was said.
And that is where the dream ended.
Well, yeah, this is better. But there are still no message to what I am supposed to do. Better, but not good enough. They have to do better or I skip it all. I don´t bother, I have realised that the “living forever” part everyone are so anxious about in fact does not apply to the human that I am. When I die I will stay dead. That is great. If the spirit part wants to live forever it is up to her to work for it. Spirit has to work harder! Not me the human. I have no problem with dying and to stay dead, that will be a relief.
My last boss called me to do a days work. He had been asked to do something to see if we could do it and get the job. It was not my regular job, more like an investigation of sorts.
I took the train and worked one day, some persons was involved that somehow guided that work. I did not really see them, was only aware that somebody was there. I never figured out what we were doing even if work was done. In the afternoon the boss came back and talked to the others. I got no message so I packed up and made myself ready to go to the station. My bosses wife came in, are you packing? Yes, nobody said I shall be working with this so I clear up.But they said you were doing a good job she said. Well, nobody told me. My boss was supposed to take me to the station (that is the normal deal since I moved in the real life) We went and I waited for him to tell me if I am to work or not. There was a feeling that I should, but nothing was said.
And that is where the dream ended.
Well, yeah, this is better. But there are still no message to what I am supposed to do. Better, but not good enough. They have to do better or I skip it all. I don´t bother, I have realised that the “living forever” part everyone are so anxious about in fact does not apply to the human that I am. When I die I will stay dead. That is great. If the spirit part wants to live forever it is up to her to work for it. Spirit has to work harder! Not me the human. I have no problem with dying and to stay dead, that will be a relief.
2007-08-08
Nothing matters!
This is also one of those disturbing stuff that has been going on the past years.
Like now, a while ago. I woke up, there was promised a sunny day but there are clouds outside. A little voice inside, “so what”!
I am working with those photographs, taking a lot of pics. I started to watch birds, butterflies and even bugs I encounter and are reporting the findings on a Spieces Art Portal. They want to know how the environment are. As I have no job I have time doing this.
I care for my parents, pick berries for them. They don´t have to feel guilty about that as I like picking berries.
My daughter and grandkids mostly needs assistant in money. Then I send them money.
And then brain says, sneaky, inside, like from hiding: It is not important!!!!! Hundreds of times each day it whispers silently. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT!!!!!
SO WHAT!!! SO DAMN WHAT??????? I DON´T CARE. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. IT IS COMMON HUMAN BUSINESS. I DON´T CARE IF IT IS IMPORTANT OR NOT. A HUMAN HAS THINGS TO TEND TO. STOP TELLING ME IT IS NOT IMPORTANT, TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS!
CRAP! When I DO something in the spiritual way nowadays, I still gets smashed. SO, what the hell do you want me to do?????????????????????
Like now, a while ago. I woke up, there was promised a sunny day but there are clouds outside. A little voice inside, “so what”!
I am working with those photographs, taking a lot of pics. I started to watch birds, butterflies and even bugs I encounter and are reporting the findings on a Spieces Art Portal. They want to know how the environment are. As I have no job I have time doing this.
I care for my parents, pick berries for them. They don´t have to feel guilty about that as I like picking berries.
My daughter and grandkids mostly needs assistant in money. Then I send them money.
And then brain says, sneaky, inside, like from hiding: It is not important!!!!! Hundreds of times each day it whispers silently. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT!!!!!
SO WHAT!!! SO DAMN WHAT??????? I DON´T CARE. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. IT IS COMMON HUMAN BUSINESS. I DON´T CARE IF IT IS IMPORTANT OR NOT. A HUMAN HAS THINGS TO TEND TO. STOP TELLING ME IT IS NOT IMPORTANT, TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS!
CRAP! When I DO something in the spiritual way nowadays, I still gets smashed. SO, what the hell do you want me to do?????????????????????
2007-08-06
I hate this!
Had a dream this morning. And I tell you I dream rearely that I remember, mostly when there are some spiritual stuff going on.
This dream was about travel. I was about to make travel with some familymembers. Overseas. The day for departure was in, but I never even packed. Then I asked what time the train was departing to the airport. Noone had even looked for it, me neither. Had to go home in a rush to seek out timetables and pack. Very disturbed.
So, what does this mean? I read the chapter about Auraura on their site. It was appealing somehow. It turned out to be directed to Lightworkers. If her story is true, which I have no reason, really, to doubt, she had have an interesting live to say the least. And here I sit with just fragments of stuff that makes me feel important. What a laugh.
But there are one thing, I once told grim I will not go anywhere unless the question about “life” and “creation” is answered. He could not give it, but this might give that answer. Maybe!
So, went to that site and tried to order that book. Turned out this is new site not really working yet. They wanted people to order that book without even knowing how much it costed. Anyway, filld out the form halfway to make a question. Got an answer this morning but without the prize. Only what item I wanted.
And then this dream, I did not sleep well tonight and I rarely do that too. So, the dream are probably having a connection to the Auraura site.
Does it mean I shall go there? Or does it mean I am going in the wrong direction again? I HATE WHEN THEY SEND MESSAGES THAT I DON´T UNDERSTAND. I WILL NOT EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. IF THEY CAN´T SEND ME MESSAGES I UNDERSTAND, THEN KEEP QUIET. SHOUT UP! DON´T BOTHER ME!
I REALLY HATE THIS!!!!!!!
This dream was about travel. I was about to make travel with some familymembers. Overseas. The day for departure was in, but I never even packed. Then I asked what time the train was departing to the airport. Noone had even looked for it, me neither. Had to go home in a rush to seek out timetables and pack. Very disturbed.
So, what does this mean? I read the chapter about Auraura on their site. It was appealing somehow. It turned out to be directed to Lightworkers. If her story is true, which I have no reason, really, to doubt, she had have an interesting live to say the least. And here I sit with just fragments of stuff that makes me feel important. What a laugh.
But there are one thing, I once told grim I will not go anywhere unless the question about “life” and “creation” is answered. He could not give it, but this might give that answer. Maybe!
So, went to that site and tried to order that book. Turned out this is new site not really working yet. They wanted people to order that book without even knowing how much it costed. Anyway, filld out the form halfway to make a question. Got an answer this morning but without the prize. Only what item I wanted.
And then this dream, I did not sleep well tonight and I rarely do that too. So, the dream are probably having a connection to the Auraura site.
Does it mean I shall go there? Or does it mean I am going in the wrong direction again? I HATE WHEN THEY SEND MESSAGES THAT I DON´T UNDERSTAND. I WILL NOT EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. IF THEY CAN´T SEND ME MESSAGES I UNDERSTAND, THEN KEEP QUIET. SHOUT UP! DON´T BOTHER ME!
I REALLY HATE THIS!!!!!!!
2007-08-01
Return of the Goddess, COT 070801
Sometimes things gets spooky. This morning a thread, an advertise, appeared on COT. A quick look on it made me wonder. Is it connected to that “message”? Have to look at it some more. I saw some “saving the universe” stuff that might be hard to swallow, but apart from that, there seemed to be something in line with what is on my mind right now.
Well, we´ll see if it is worth while.
Some snippets:
The Mother of Creation, the Source of God and all existence, Auraura (This name being the expression of Her crystalline essence, containing all the colour rays within)
Auraura spoke of her name, “It’s part of your aura, doesn’t it make sense to you, the rays coming through the white light, it is in everything that you see. I did not birth as such, I created, it was a thought, there are colour entities everywhere.”
the ‘Being of Stars’ came again and explained that she is Auraura (pronounced Aurora) The Mother Of Creation, The Mother of God, the feminine aspect or expression of ‘All That Is,’ the Source of life and all existence.
And I call myself Aurora. How can I not react? ;) It certainly rings some bells.
Well, we´ll see if it is worth while.
Some snippets:
The Mother of Creation, the Source of God and all existence, Auraura (This name being the expression of Her crystalline essence, containing all the colour rays within)
Auraura spoke of her name, “It’s part of your aura, doesn’t it make sense to you, the rays coming through the white light, it is in everything that you see. I did not birth as such, I created, it was a thought, there are colour entities everywhere.”
the ‘Being of Stars’ came again and explained that she is Auraura (pronounced Aurora) The Mother Of Creation, The Mother of God, the feminine aspect or expression of ‘All That Is,’ the Source of life and all existence.
And I call myself Aurora. How can I not react? ;) It certainly rings some bells.
2007-07-31
Meaning
Was asked what that message ment to me!
Answer is: Nothing!
Why should it? We all know humans is changing, nothing new about that.
What might be an intersting thing thou is how it was received. If that is what is happening, some kind of direct communication, that is interesting. Hm………thinking of it, that´s what I thought about when my friends telephoneline was crap for three weeks. Was thinking of if it would be possible to establish a brain-to-brain link. But it was not about the center of the aura of course.
Anyway, I two weeks ago I was thinking about taking up meditation again. But now, if there are some kind of evolution going on, maybe I just leave it as it is. Might be wrong to interfere. Or……. I am only feeling important, again……..we like to do that, don´t we. (Big laugh)
Answer is: Nothing!
Why should it? We all know humans is changing, nothing new about that.
What might be an intersting thing thou is how it was received. If that is what is happening, some kind of direct communication, that is interesting. Hm………thinking of it, that´s what I thought about when my friends telephoneline was crap for three weeks. Was thinking of if it would be possible to establish a brain-to-brain link. But it was not about the center of the aura of course.
Anyway, I two weeks ago I was thinking about taking up meditation again. But now, if there are some kind of evolution going on, maybe I just leave it as it is. Might be wrong to interfere. Or……. I am only feeling important, again……..we like to do that, don´t we. (Big laugh)
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