Dzogchen ended up in the lake

Says it all, doesn´t it? It´s been nagging at me for a couple of days. Tried to read some by the lake today. It is just crap, all of it sooo……..ended up in the wet. Guess I am done reading now. It became food for fish.

What an awful day.

Today I was checking out some DVD.s with relaxing systems in them. Like yoga, tatji and such.
I ended up with a day like the one in december. One crying attack after another. Kept going on for three hours. Hurts like hell. Why don´t they just kill me? I don´t want to live like this. For how many more years do I have to live like this? It does not matter what I do or not do. I still end up in this horrible situation. Why don´t they just kill me?

My eyes are sore after floods of tears, my head aching, the muscles are stiff and hurting from defence system, trying to smash things in anguish. The workout maschine was hit hard today. Trying to release some of the pain. Then I took a pill to ease it for a while.

Why don´t they just kill me if they never aprove of what I do? I wish my dad dies so I can kill myself as they don´t do it.

Sore muscles

My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them. L

Yeah…. like choosing between plague and cholera. To ease the stiff and aching muscles I have to go where I know I will ultimately be back in being smashed. Is there any way to balance this at all? How can I let the body use what the mind can´t handle? Is it possible at all? When the body relaxes into ……… the mind and spirit follows, then, back to being smashed………..like before, so many months to try to heal, just to being cut to pieces again.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I can´t.

Free will & Sore muscles

Was reading about tests indicating free will as tests indicate descission is made before we are aware of it. I´d say these testresults is not an indication if there is free will or not. It is more likely to be the first indication that we are NOT the body/brain. There is a spirit of sorts that IS US. That spirit “me” is doing the descision, then there is a delay until it can be executed in the body. Much like a driver in a car. The driver makes the decision, then it has to be trenaformed to the car that executes it. And much like a driver is dependent of the quality of the car, the spirit is dependent of the quality of the body-brain system at it´s disposal.

So, more research might show us the spirit that we are. And the question of free will must be placed on a higher level.


My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them.

Tibetan book

In the bath tub I was thinking, minds wandering actually, that I should not really have to figth the spiritual. As they say, chip and more, the universe is static and don´t move, so why am I in this fighting and avoiding situation? They also say there is no emotions, so how can I be hurt?

The Tibetan book I wrote about before, that was wrong too. If I can “recognise myself as that energy” then it is something outside “myself”. And it can´t be “me”. When I am IT, there is nothing outside to recognice. So that book is compleately worthless.

Mind is constructing a huge amount of lies to keep it where it is. Separate! So difficult to harnest. Even when you know it, so hard to convince the mind, the tragic of life. Even if the mind wants to die, it clings.

So, why waste so much energy on fighting something that don´t exist? Should not have to do that.
But as long as it harass me, I guess I have to. Mind just loves to invent stories and intrigues.

European song contest

Another dream on the same topic. I miss the event!

SOOOOOOOO WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Stopp harrasing me. This time I was compeating in the song contest. Just before I was to perform I realised I lost the lyrics. It was no way I could remember it. When searching for a paper with it on I missed the time I should be on stage. So, then I ran up a long stairway to get to the stage, hopefully I would remember when the music started. But it was too late, when I get there my time was over already.

So, once again, I “missed the train, or ship or songcontest”. And yet again I scream: get out of my head! How the hell am I supposed to know what you expect me to do?

If you want it soo bad, the hell, tell me what to do! Or finally, get the hell out of my head. I can´t both do something and be stopped when trying.

I refuse in playing this stupid game.. I don´t care, when I die I am gone, what happens to you is not my concern, sooo, get the hell out of my head.

I was accused of not listening, but what happens to me has nothing to do with “teaching” as I understand it. It is about what happens, not what is said.

Reading......Silence Is .....

It is strange, but why is it that paople don´t seem to read what I actually write? They seem to read something totally different.

I think I understand what people write, at least if I read their words, so why don´t they understand what I write? Is what happen to me so compleately different they have no chance of comprehend it? Not that it really matters now, but………….maybe I´ll just stop talking, then the problem is solved. Noone has to be confused any more.

Silence Is Golden…………….. is it? (oh, my´I just hate questions they seem to have a life of their own)

Home again

When I woke up this morning my first thought was: where am I? The dissappointment that arose when I discovered I was in my own bed was HUGE.

Realised I always wanted to travel. Ever since I was a teen and wanted to go to Australia and could not. Even the feeling of arriving to the airport was nice even if I had to sleep on a bench as the plane was leaving so early.

Wonder if I ever get to travel again? There is just one problem about travels now, it is almost impossible to avoid churches, and I have no business there. I am building that wall again, to protect myself from further abusements. To be able to live.

Can´t live like this

Now I know why I always done EVERYTHING to heal myself. I can´t stand it. I can´t live like this and now there are nowhere where I can seek peace and tranquility for my sour heart and mind. How long can I make it? Long enough for my dad to die so he don´t become upset because of that?I don´t know!

.***********************

It is like I am in a vacuum. Doing things without careing. Not even the anger upsets me anymore, when stuff don´t work even if they are supposed to. The pain covers it all. It is like a thick blanket covering every inch of me. Am leaving for Venice tomorrow but don´t feel much exitement. The only thing I look forward too is the posibility to hear the ocean once again. Maybe the last time.

Talking to myself

Being alone……..never been before, even I I were by myself only. But now I am.

Biking home today I realised it is probably my own fault. I mean… the situation I am in now. All my life I have tried to heal myself when I was abused in different ways. Always turned to forest and water, calm music and such for healing. I thought it helped me to survive. But now I wonder, maybe I was wrong? As it seems now it was the calm and tranquility that led to the next hit. The next blow. The next not understood dissappointment.

This time I can´t do that even if I wanted. I don´t find peace in the forest or on the water anymore. “Touch the light and you get burned”. Better to walk away, turn your back on it and go. Now the wound has to stay open. It can´t heal anymore.

Well, funnier things is coming. Going to Venice for a few days. A needed break.

Never mind!

The labrat has to become a zombie

Today I biked around the lake. Stoped at the small waterfall to feel the soothing of water and air. But I can´t do that anymore. It took just a few minutes until I had to leave. That too is spoiled, now there is nothing or nowhere I can seek peace. For decades I could use the lakes and forest to comfort me. Not any more. Talk about it stealing EVERYTHING away from me. I have to become a zombie.

I wish my dad could die instead of living that pathetic life. When he is dead and everything finished …then I can go too. I wish…………………….I could sease to exist. Never to be found again. Never to be aware again! This is a living hell, when you can´t even find comfort in nature.

The labrat will starve to death, it cant´t eat because it has been electrified too many times. There is no way it can tuch the food.

................

Many times the spiritual has been tooooooo hard and thrown me out. So many I can´t even count them. Making me cursing it, protesting and whatever. Every time I turned my back in agony I had those crying attacks as well as bodily symtoms like knots in stomach and blood from rectum. This time it is no different when it comes to that. Usually the symptoms stop, eventually, and the spirituality is pulling me back.

BUT, that is different now, this time there is no going back. It is not possible!
This time everything is gone, instead of becoming Everything I was thrown back to be a bag of thinking flesh. Every thing and everybody is gone. No friends is left, not even one single penpal. Questions and curiosity is gone. I can´t even think of reading another article or finishing the book I started. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I am writing this only because I don´t want to leave the blog right in the middle of nowhere. If there is anyone reading it, you should know that not every path leads to a happy ending.

Hm… Even my “normal” life is affected. Things like videos get broken or it is impossible to record. A lot of trouble. Much more then usual. Can´t help but blaming the spiritual for it. I bet it is messing up my life. Why not just kill me? At least that would be a good thing.

withdrawal

Yesterday i said goodbye to chip. Can´t write to her anymore as she is a constant reminder of my problems with spirituality. And I just want to forget about it all.

It is strange, she is awakened, yet she has no clue whatsoever of what is happening to me. Where is the wisdom? One is supposed to become wise when awakened, right? Why did she not explain what was misunderstood? Never mind, it does not matter anymore.

Yet…. her only response to my email was standard klichée about “I am already that!”. Like that was supposed to help. L It seems to me that one is getting dumb when awakened instead of wise. She always told me things I already knew, never the things I needed. I needed help with what happened to me, not what dumb scriptures said. Old scripts is just misleading, not helping. They say nothing about my situation.
Now I am in a situation when I am crying constantly again. But it does not matter, I am not changing, am not going back.

I AM NOT GOING BACK, STARTING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. NEVER… NEVER!!!!!!
It does not matter how much they make me cry, I am NOT going back. Am NOT starting it all over again. I live this life as long as I have to, pretending it is needed. Then I end it. Will not live as my dad does. I will not do that.

What a mess! Just pretending! Eyes red!

LuciferEffect

Welcome to LuciferEffect.org, official web site of The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil (Random House, 2007). In this book, I summarize more than 30 years of research on factors that can create a "perfect storm" which leads good people to engage in evil actions. This transformation of human character is what I call the "Lucifer Effect," named after God's favorite angel, Lucifer, who fell from grace and ultimately became Satan.

Rather than providing a religious analysis, however, I offer a psychological account of how ordinary people sometimes turn evil and commit unspeakable acts. As part of this account, The Lucifer Effect tells, for the first time, the full story behind the Stanford Prison Experiment, a now-classic study I conducted in 1971. In that study, normal college students were randomly assigned to play the role of guard or inmate for two weeks in a simulated prison, yet the guards quickly became so brutal that the experiment had to be shut down after only six days.
How and why did this transformation take place, and what does it tell us about recent events such as the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuses in Iraq? Equally important, what does it say about the "nature of human nature," and what does it suggest about effective ways to prevent such abuses in the future?

Please join me in a journey that the poet Milton might describe as making “darkness visible.” Although it is often hard to read about evil up close and personal, we must understand its causes in order to contain and transform it through wise decisions and innovative communal actions. Indeed, in my view, there is no more urgent task that faces us today.
— Philip Zimbardo Professor Emeritus Stanford University

Easter

Stop it

stop bothering me, I am NOT going back. Am not going to start all over again, just to be smashed or stoped again. “You” got what yoy wanted, leave me alone. I am NOT starting all over again. Tears or feeling of loss won´t do the trick this time.

Days going by

still don´t understand what was misunderstood, you never told me or asked for clarification
But….. guess it does not matter anymore.

Recorded the first family video into the computer this morning. That was about time as the tape is about to be destroid. Most of the record was still ok, but some places it went blurry. Old tapes get sticky. L

This video was about my grandkids. When they was only 2 and not yet one year old in 1993-4. That was the times when things in life was important. How wonderful that was. Now nothing is, not really these tapes either, but it gets me something to do and my daughter and the kids will probably like to get a copy.

nonimportant importantnessesses, blä

now off to dads for some nonimportant meal

Zombie

What does it matter to live when nothing matters? Just doing things because one is supposed to do that or because the body needs it. How pointless! Just flesh and bones walking around pretending to live.

Notes

080301 -
Dreamt that Lil said she should move in two days and she had not even started packing or ordered a car. So, I had to do that.

080302 created a new Yahoo mailbox for chip

080305
Dreamed the old Scania dream. Rolf had tried to fix that terrain-map for tests that he had thought of a long time. Sadly the task had failed gravely. All hills and trees was distorted plastic stuff. So, it looked more like a garbage place.

That dream connects to what I have dreamt earlier. I felt like I become aware of the dream right in the middle of it. Like something wanted it to surface. Like when a scene fades in a movie.
My conclusion: I am that garbage forest site. So what??

The pull

It has started to pull again. This repeating pattern is getting tiresome. It is the same pattern with some variations.

This time I will not go back there. I refuse to do this all over again. There is nothing to gain. There is only this body, nothing else. When I die I will just be food for worms and the lawn in the cemetery. Nothing else and that is fine with me. That is how it shall be.