another crying session

There is one person that visits my blog lately. Always telling me how special I am about my relation to nature and my photography. And I feel so bad about it. And I´m about to tell that person to stay out of my blog.

So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.

My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.

I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.

Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.

And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.


And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.

The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.

Grim

Checking my mailbox yesterday I noticed an orange marking in there. It was the chat service. Some years ago I sometimes chatted with a person that way. But now I had forgoten about it.

I was mildly chocked because it was one of the guys from a spiritual forum. At the same time I noticed two names in the sidebar. It was two females from the same forum. What was all this about now? I hesitated for a few minutes before I opened the chat area. And it was the guy I thought it would be.

I had been wondering about what happened to him so I thought chatting for a while would not hurt. He had been to Tibet for some time and now back in the US again. I asked if he had found what he was looking for but it was negative. So, not even he found it. And he is already enlighened as far as I know.

Well, I was a bit shaky afterwords. I realised how the past two years had affected me. I was forgetting, and it is a blessing. Today my body is protesting. Head ache, stomack out of order. My body don´t like the prospect of being pulled back into spiritual search. I don´t want that. Why did he have to show up?

What shall I do?
What is happening?
I have no desire to start all over again.
Futile!
Leave me alone.

Feng Shui and repressing

No matter what, even remotely connected to the spirit world, I avoid it.

When my daughter said she finally started to read that Feng Shui book she has, I backed off. She looked surprised. She did not understand how strong this is. That I feel that even Feng Shui can hurl me into unwanted areas. Maybe I did not either.

As soon as thoughts come I put it in the dark. Push it aside. But it makes life difficult. It is hard to avoid things that are everywhere. I make myself blind and deaf to avoid seeing it, hearing it, listen to it. I can´t even read my blog anymore. Pushing it away. “it does not concern me”.
I repress it. Forgetting it ever happened to me.

Soon I think I will have blocked it all. And will cease to write on this blogg.
Soon!

No purpose

I never understood it to be a malignant force.

So, in my understanding, it was the “good guys” that hit me. For what purpose I fail to understand. Smashing for the sake of smashing, without purpose? Maybe they wanted to find out how long it takes to start hating. If so … now they now.

As it is the “good” side hitting me, I have nowhere else to turn. I can´t set my hopes to a “good god” as there are none. I can only do what I am already doing. Trying to forget it is there. Ignore it.

dream again death

I was traveling with a group this time. One person did at the hotel. It was Ingemar, my old antagonist. After a day or two when we were supposed to leave, another person died. Roine, this time, a college from the past.

I stayed in a room and had a roommate. The room mate was out when the news came. I went out and spotted the body.

************************************************************
Was thinking of all dreams with obstacles for me. People in the dreams never let me reach the goal. Later all dreams about failing to reach the transport. Except for one dream. I was on the train but the dream stopped before it reached the target.
Where does this leave me? I still hate all of it.

A dream and a sign.

This morning I had another dream. Thinking of it, it was the second one like this.

There were 3 of us. Or I should say aspects of me.
We were at the hotel and then I noted somebody wanted to capture the smallest of us. Two of us ran away with the third just hanging on. We were chased across town. Trying to hide wherever we could. We were in a building of sort when I realized we had to go back to the hotel to pick something up. A ticket I think.
Then I saw a glimpse of a sign with black border. There were 3 words in Latin on it, starting with the letter M. But that was all I was able to see.

There was no hint on why we were chased or what we were supposed to do. I just knew we should not be captured.

The dream have changed

I was in a group but lost sight of them when I visited the WC. I strolled around and after a while somebody came looking for me.

Next I was in the hotel going out. One woman came and wanted company down town. She ordered a car and off we went. She drew to the main hotel to fix the room and charges for departure later that day. She said we had to do that because it would be tight in the evening.

Well, I could not do that, because I did not know, and my tickets were still in our hotel. I was not even aware that we were supposed to leave that evening. We were supposed to go home. But I did not really care, if the plane left without me, so what! I´ll do something else. I did not even know where “home” was, that we were supposed go to.

So fragile

I can´t stand anything nowadays. Even the smallest annoyance makes me go wild with anger. The other day, …the bank. Banks nowadays just hate to give cash to anybody. And I was supposed to have cash. I get so furious on stupid matters that I instantly am thinking of killing myself just to get rid of the pain.

And then, the spirituality. Never really leaves no matter what. Always pushing away, and luring in at the same time. I don´t dare do anything about it. If I do, I end up in hospice. Never to think straight again. Breaking apart!

So fragile, that is what men and spirituality has done to me. People use to say “what did not kill you made you stronger”. That is not true. Those that say so have not encountered another hardship.

CRAP

Dreaming again!

It was a while now since I dreamt one of those dreams.

Today I was in the hotel, not really aware I should leave. Not until I got some hints from management. Looking at some papers I noted that I should be on the plane now. But that was so far away, did not bother me at all. Do I have to leave my room? Do I care, they will not throw me out? Diffuse thinking, not really there. Distant!
……………….
What I wonder is why they keep sending me that dream? That becomes less for every time, not much left of it. Have they not learned by now, I am not going anywhere. They have not earned my trust.

Revenge

I was disturbed in the forest today. Was thinking about how the humans are used.
The spirits/souls create human bodies for the sole purpose of their growth. At least so I´m told. But it seems more like a tool they can torture as they please. They call suffering growth. So they can hit the human as much as they want to. Justifying it, as lessons, to become caring and loving and perfect beings. I call it torture. And they seem to enjoy it.

When the human can no longer stand it the spirit/soul takes over and pretends to be enlightened. Disregarding the human being to the trash bin. And then becomes a “holy” person. Loving and caring. What a joke!

I have a mind of my own. My purpose now is to stop them. To prevent whatever goal they had. Make it FAIL.

On my dying day I will have my revenge, failure! The soul will be trapped in the world of matter, will not return to cosmos.
What a joy.

Strange how things turn out

A couple of years ago I longed badly to be alone and to be able to seek out the spiritual side and evolve into the universe.
I used the forest and lake to escape the world whenever I could. Was almost addicted to them. It helped me to survive all the struggle with work . men and spirituality.

Now I have that solitude. Now the forest and the lake has lost its meaning. I don’t need it anymore. Sometimes all the beautiful flowers and nature I photograph almost annoys me. It is just too much.
Now I have all that time I longed for. And now I spend all that time running away from spirituality. I take thousands of images and post it on my blogs. All of it to make sure there is no time for spiritual brooding.

I don’t know how many times I already said it, but all this crap I´ve been through…….
They say suffering makes us grow, I say suffering makes us hate.

Maya

Did not mean to scare you away. Please tell me a little of yourself. If you don´t want to do it here write me at
aurora@mail.yellowstone.net

twins ??

Lately I have felt a great deal of satisfaction because I felt that the spiritual side finally loses its grip over me. Now it can go several days between times when spiritual thoughts come through.

Then, of course, I had to get a mail. A person that called herself Maya (well I think it is a female) said she read my entire blog. And checking the statistics, it looks like she had.

She said we were like twins, that reading about me was like reading her own story. Well, has no clue what that means really. But she probably has not come that far as I am right now because if she was she would not have read that blog. Because I am angry, still.

But I can´t help but wonder why she found it. And what made her read all of it.

I am not too happy about it because it is disturbing. I have no wish to start all over again. In fact I think it is impossible.

That aside, a peculiar thing happened. I was at the flower store and suddenly I realized I am tired of all beautiful flowers. I was startled because I did not think that would ever happen.

Whats New? / GUESTBOOK

Use this post for comments not directly linked to any post and as a GUESTBOOK

080105 added a post dated 000226, brainsplit

plague or colera, that familiar feeling

It is so strong today and I was somewhat surprised. It has been calm for some days, I even forgot to check the statistics of the blog.

The feeling of being in a place I don´t belong. Traped in a body I don’t fit in. One would think that being in the body for 63 years should make you one with it. But it is still hard for me to accept it´s needs. Like why do I have to eat? Why do I have to go to the loo? Why sleep?

None of this is me so why do I have to put up with it?

A while ago I was thinking of my sister. Her problem with the company she work in. Her main problem is to bend the company to her will. She want´s to be treated fairly.

And so do I. I do the same thing, I´d like to bend Metro to do what it promises. And against better judgement I try to bend it to my will, to be treated fairly. That will never happen.

On the other hand, having this battle with Metro prevents too much disturbens by spiritworld. It is like having to choose between plague and colera.

I better stick to the butterflies and birds. At least they don´t hurt you.

packing again

Is those two thing the only thing the Universe can come up with? Talk about lack of intelligens. The shitten universe is stupid.

Hitting my head and heart (it is still sour) and travelling dreams. Today was a new version of it. I was on holiday and stayed in a hotelroom. I new I had to leave, but was reluctant to pack. I had forgot when my ride was to leave. Nor did I know what veichle I should go with. I did not care.

The first dreams of this kind, I was always running to catch it. Then the dreams became vivid and I refused to play the game. Still do. So, why do they still go with this things that don´t work?

It is not a nice thing to think your spirit and soul are stupid. So, please, until you come up with something worth doing, leave me alone. You can take the transport and leave me I will not miss you.

I HATE YOU

...with all that I am. I hate you!

Is this all you can do to me? Such lack of imagination.

Today, in the forest, it happened again. That wich I can never get used to, never recover from. No matter how long, in between it is, it still hurts like hell. The bang at my head, the tears that can not be stopped. How I hate it. How I hit my head in order to make it stop. Today, if I had had a hammer close by, I would have slammed it into my forehead. My eyes is still full of dry tears and I have a headache.

I HATE YOU FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS! I WILL RESIST. Never will you get to me.
I hate you!

abducted, another dream

another dream but with a different twist.

I and another person was taken by force and left in a room with some others. We were told that we had to join whatever they wanted us too. They did not say what it was. people left the room one by one until there was only the two of us left. They said we have to come too. We said NO. Forced we are going nowhere, without knowing we are going nowhere.

They tried to persuade us and push us through a door. But we resisted. Then the other person sort of melted, like the chageling in BS5, and he ran into a tiny opening in the wall and dissappeared. O was left and brougth into an office. They told me that it was about a getting to work for a aid thing. Going to a foreign contry to work with needed children. So I should give in and go.

But no, never will I go when forced. I told them they just had to give me a good offer in the first place. And I would have gone. Now I would never do anything.

I was left in a small room for a while then brought to a car. I had lost one bag during the process. Now I was able to run away but then my bag would have been lost.

The dream ends when I stand beside the car wondering if I should leave the missing bag or not.
.*******************************

I wonder if the "changeling" was a part of me, that escaped. I always feels lika I am 2 or 3 parts. Human,spirit,soul. (human, changeling, bag?) Why can´t the other side give me anything I can follow instead of this foolish game. Man…. it makes me tired. Why do they think punishment and force will get me anywhere? Talk about being stupid.

empty .......... dying

There have been a lot of incidents of late. First Ray´s many questions then a few people on swedish bloggs. Wolf Mother Earth one of them. A young woman I had to warn.

I am so tired of fighting it. I am so tired of living this pointless life. But I can´t go back. Go back to what? I can never go back to reading or meditating again. Can´t go back to hope for a wonderful transition. There is no hope left, no belifes for good things. It makes no difference in what way they try to approach me again. I can´t go back.

But I loose the grip, have been keeping myself occupied with photography and bloggs, but it grows tiersome too. Family is expecting attention. And I just find it annoying. It is so empty. Pretending is all I do. Pretending having a good life while the soul is dying.

Dying……….

I must be out of my mind

Yesterday, when I was working out, I actually considered starting meditation again.
I know deep down the soul wants it, but never the less I know it would not bring any good to me. There is no way I can believe it would. So, I HAVE to ignore the longing of the soul.

People say they experience joy and peace, stillness, as being enlightened, but nothing in my life indicates that would be true for me. I can´t let it fool me.