I am..and suffering

A man visited my nature blogs. On the profiles description it says “I am”. Nothing more.

Instantly my heart jumps. Hoping, wanting…. To get answers. Is he “I am” …. Or is it a wishfull thinking? A lot of people says they are, just to feel important. They think they are better then they are. Or hoping that “fake it till you make it” is relevent to this area as well. I was visited by it once, but it does not make me think I am that.

Lately I have been thinking about teachíng and forgiveness.

A teacher or parent ALWAYS explain what the teaching is about. So one is not disturbed by “punishment”.

If what they have put me through is “teaching” why have I not received an explanation to whot the teaching is about? I have a hard time forgiving things I have no clue of. I have to understand to forgive.

I can forgive an evil man if I understand his brain is not working as it should. But I can´t forgive the pain they gave me, without understanding why it was given. Because questions is always there. Did they give it because I made something wrong? If that was the case, what did I do? Did they give it for the fun of it? (That is what I think as I see no other reason.)

I have learned that some people have to wait for “the right time”. Some visions I had indicate that, was I moving to fast? Why the hell don´t they make me understand. What I hate so much is when somebody says “you don´t understand” without even trying to make them understand.

How can I forgive something that is supposed to be good, when it only gives me pain and suffering?

I thought it was over with that whipdream. But now I see it isn´t. I have a hard time with life as spiritual things is all over the place. People visiting my blogs often see the spiritual quality of nature in my photos. It is somewhat awkward as I try not to. And you can´t open a newspaper without see, first war then what people hope will end it, spirituality and religion. And they will all be dissappointed.
 There is no end to suffering.

All those years got me nothing. :(
in 2003,  I AM

hormones

I hate being in a body I can´t control. Being ruled by body functions and hormons.



Having to eat and drink. Go to the loo. Spending soo much time to maintain the function of 65 kilo of flesh and blood that you can´t control. What a prison.


Now I am in a situation that again causes me a lot of trouble because the body reacts as a body reacts. Without asking ME what I want. The body works on it´s own, dragging me with it. They talk about Mind over matter, but it is Matter over mind. There is noway you can cheat biological reactions.


I will be forced to stop attending the birder meetings. To, again, be on my own.


This man makes my body jump. I have known him for almost a year and a half. But not met him so many times. A year ago I noticed, occaisonally, how he started to send feelings. And….that is disturbing. Especially as I did not know if he is single.


I am 64 and it is still the same. This guy looks at me and tries to get attention in different ways. At the same time there is a woman clinging to is sholder. (She is new to the club, but obviously the kind of woman that does not like to live alone.) How the hell am I supposed to react??? Can somebody tell me? I don´t know if they are together. When I look at her….they are. Looking at him……they are not. But in 18 months we came no longer then an unused telephonenumber. Despite he obviosuly like me and I told him I would appreciate accompany him on birding trips.


I have to stop attending those meetings because he is stirring up so many emotions. And I can´t handle it. Running away again? Sure! I don´t know how to play this game anyway. As I don´t know how to play the spiritual game.


Body, mind and spirit……… it is all shit. Pointless games for no purpose.
And....why does not feelings grow old? Like the body? They don´t match each other any more.

The whip

Dreaming again. This time it was an unusual dream. Not straight as it used to be. I only remember the end.

In the end of the dream the male appeard. This time he shifted somehow between good and evil. Like it was unsure of its status. That is somehow good, because too good and too evil is wrong, as it is the same thing really. I was watching while it flickered back and forth. Failing to choose one side. Unable to scare me or tempt me.

Then I realised I had a whip in my right hand. I raised it and swung it at the male. I was not used to it. I hit his left arm and it fell of. And now I controlled the dream. I lifted my arm again. And smashed his right arm. Again, my arm, in pain, but I hit his head from the side and it fell off. Now I thought “he is dead”, but then I realized I had to hit his heart. In all tales you have to hit the heart for them to be destroyed and stay dead. I lifted my arm again. High! And now I have got the hang of it. I smashed the wip with all my strength, hit the body from right shoulder, through the heart and to the left hip. When I saw the bodypart sliding down, I thought “now you will never bother me again”. I stood with hanging arms and I dropped the whip to the ground, turned around and left.

The dream makes me mad

That dream, in the last entry, just makes me angry. There “he” comes, dressed like everybody else, but still without a face. Making me believe he is somebody else until he said that about the head. He should know it, he is the cause of it, the shrinking. He denied me everything and gave me nothing but sorrow, suffering and hate.

They don´t even trust what they themselvs created. I still don´t understand it. It is said we are created to conquer a certain task to improve ourselfs. But they don´t trust us to do it. They have to interfere every now and then to make certain it goes as planned. Others may think the guiding is something to be proud of. But it pisses me off. If notning else, it is so lousy performed. Giving riddles nobody understand. Some people spend years to try to figure out stupidities. And still can´t be sure of the meaning. And why the h-l all that hitting me? For what reason? Did he think it would make me a better person? A saint maybe? No, being hit for no reason only creates hatered. Every parent know that.

Next time I have a similar dream and recognize it, I will take controll, and then hit his faceless face….hard! I have taken control over dreams before, I can do it again. Next time I WILL hit him! He shall not fool me again. And….I hope to shrink to zero so he can´t find me again.

cows and head

I was dreaming a long dream this morning.

I think I have dreamt a similar dream sometime long ago. It was all so familiar.

I was at my old working place. A 10 story building. With only offices in it. I was told I had to take care of some cows that was beeing forced to the upper floor of the building. It was ten of them. But I never saw them. They had to go there for some reason.

I started to tell the boss what I needed for the cows. Like food, waterbuckets, things for tidying them. A wheel barrow among other things. Where to put the droppings. Lot of things. I can´t write it all down. I walked around to make plans, even outside in the forest.

After that I was following a man to look for a piece I designed for the trucks I worked with earlier. And it was manufactured now. It did look good.

When everything was set I and the man was on our way down to the entrence of the building. He put his arm around my shoulder and made me lean towards him. Then he looked at me and said: “it is good to see you again, but I think your head has shrinked”. And I could feel it too, as there was much room for my head on the shoulder. And that was quite OK.

After that most planing was done. And the dream ended.

another thing gone

Yesterday I took away the painting I recived as a gift from chip. A very dear present at the time. Now I can no longer watch it. As everything else the sight of it hurts. Now there are only one more thing to remove. The old mailbox, or two of them. They were opened during the time when I still had spiritual hope. And the names chosen from that spirit as well as used in its name.

I am now loking for more suitable mailboxes without bad memories. When the mailboxes are replaced there are only thos blog left. It will remain as a warning to people not to trust the good of spirituality. There is nothing good about it.

fall

Was biking and walking with the bike among the wetlands today. Sun shining and nature burning in autumn colors.

The old, familiar feeling came over me. The oneness with nature. How I expand into the universe. Being aware of the thin layer between me and the all of nature. Why was it so impossible to break it?

Why was I not allowed to break it? Now it is too late.

another crying session

There is one person that visits my blog lately. Always telling me how special I am about my relation to nature and my photography. And I feel so bad about it. And I´m about to tell that person to stay out of my blog.

So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.

My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.

I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.

Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.

And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.


And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.

The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.

Grim

Checking my mailbox yesterday I noticed an orange marking in there. It was the chat service. Some years ago I sometimes chatted with a person that way. But now I had forgoten about it.

I was mildly chocked because it was one of the guys from a spiritual forum. At the same time I noticed two names in the sidebar. It was two females from the same forum. What was all this about now? I hesitated for a few minutes before I opened the chat area. And it was the guy I thought it would be.

I had been wondering about what happened to him so I thought chatting for a while would not hurt. He had been to Tibet for some time and now back in the US again. I asked if he had found what he was looking for but it was negative. So, not even he found it. And he is already enlighened as far as I know.

Well, I was a bit shaky afterwords. I realised how the past two years had affected me. I was forgetting, and it is a blessing. Today my body is protesting. Head ache, stomack out of order. My body don´t like the prospect of being pulled back into spiritual search. I don´t want that. Why did he have to show up?

What shall I do?
What is happening?
I have no desire to start all over again.
Futile!
Leave me alone.

Feng Shui and repressing

No matter what, even remotely connected to the spirit world, I avoid it.

When my daughter said she finally started to read that Feng Shui book she has, I backed off. She looked surprised. She did not understand how strong this is. That I feel that even Feng Shui can hurl me into unwanted areas. Maybe I did not either.

As soon as thoughts come I put it in the dark. Push it aside. But it makes life difficult. It is hard to avoid things that are everywhere. I make myself blind and deaf to avoid seeing it, hearing it, listen to it. I can´t even read my blog anymore. Pushing it away. “it does not concern me”.
I repress it. Forgetting it ever happened to me.

Soon I think I will have blocked it all. And will cease to write on this blogg.
Soon!

No purpose

I never understood it to be a malignant force.

So, in my understanding, it was the “good guys” that hit me. For what purpose I fail to understand. Smashing for the sake of smashing, without purpose? Maybe they wanted to find out how long it takes to start hating. If so … now they now.

As it is the “good” side hitting me, I have nowhere else to turn. I can´t set my hopes to a “good god” as there are none. I can only do what I am already doing. Trying to forget it is there. Ignore it.

dream again death

I was traveling with a group this time. One person did at the hotel. It was Ingemar, my old antagonist. After a day or two when we were supposed to leave, another person died. Roine, this time, a college from the past.

I stayed in a room and had a roommate. The room mate was out when the news came. I went out and spotted the body.

************************************************************
Was thinking of all dreams with obstacles for me. People in the dreams never let me reach the goal. Later all dreams about failing to reach the transport. Except for one dream. I was on the train but the dream stopped before it reached the target.
Where does this leave me? I still hate all of it.

A dream and a sign.

This morning I had another dream. Thinking of it, it was the second one like this.

There were 3 of us. Or I should say aspects of me.
We were at the hotel and then I noted somebody wanted to capture the smallest of us. Two of us ran away with the third just hanging on. We were chased across town. Trying to hide wherever we could. We were in a building of sort when I realized we had to go back to the hotel to pick something up. A ticket I think.
Then I saw a glimpse of a sign with black border. There were 3 words in Latin on it, starting with the letter M. But that was all I was able to see.

There was no hint on why we were chased or what we were supposed to do. I just knew we should not be captured.

The dream have changed

I was in a group but lost sight of them when I visited the WC. I strolled around and after a while somebody came looking for me.

Next I was in the hotel going out. One woman came and wanted company down town. She ordered a car and off we went. She drew to the main hotel to fix the room and charges for departure later that day. She said we had to do that because it would be tight in the evening.

Well, I could not do that, because I did not know, and my tickets were still in our hotel. I was not even aware that we were supposed to leave that evening. We were supposed to go home. But I did not really care, if the plane left without me, so what! I´ll do something else. I did not even know where “home” was, that we were supposed go to.

So fragile

I can´t stand anything nowadays. Even the smallest annoyance makes me go wild with anger. The other day, …the bank. Banks nowadays just hate to give cash to anybody. And I was supposed to have cash. I get so furious on stupid matters that I instantly am thinking of killing myself just to get rid of the pain.

And then, the spirituality. Never really leaves no matter what. Always pushing away, and luring in at the same time. I don´t dare do anything about it. If I do, I end up in hospice. Never to think straight again. Breaking apart!

So fragile, that is what men and spirituality has done to me. People use to say “what did not kill you made you stronger”. That is not true. Those that say so have not encountered another hardship.

CRAP

Dreaming again!

It was a while now since I dreamt one of those dreams.

Today I was in the hotel, not really aware I should leave. Not until I got some hints from management. Looking at some papers I noted that I should be on the plane now. But that was so far away, did not bother me at all. Do I have to leave my room? Do I care, they will not throw me out? Diffuse thinking, not really there. Distant!
……………….
What I wonder is why they keep sending me that dream? That becomes less for every time, not much left of it. Have they not learned by now, I am not going anywhere. They have not earned my trust.

Revenge

I was disturbed in the forest today. Was thinking about how the humans are used.
The spirits/souls create human bodies for the sole purpose of their growth. At least so I´m told. But it seems more like a tool they can torture as they please. They call suffering growth. So they can hit the human as much as they want to. Justifying it, as lessons, to become caring and loving and perfect beings. I call it torture. And they seem to enjoy it.

When the human can no longer stand it the spirit/soul takes over and pretends to be enlightened. Disregarding the human being to the trash bin. And then becomes a “holy” person. Loving and caring. What a joke!

I have a mind of my own. My purpose now is to stop them. To prevent whatever goal they had. Make it FAIL.

On my dying day I will have my revenge, failure! The soul will be trapped in the world of matter, will not return to cosmos.
What a joy.

Strange how things turn out

A couple of years ago I longed badly to be alone and to be able to seek out the spiritual side and evolve into the universe.
I used the forest and lake to escape the world whenever I could. Was almost addicted to them. It helped me to survive all the struggle with work . men and spirituality.

Now I have that solitude. Now the forest and the lake has lost its meaning. I don’t need it anymore. Sometimes all the beautiful flowers and nature I photograph almost annoys me. It is just too much.
Now I have all that time I longed for. And now I spend all that time running away from spirituality. I take thousands of images and post it on my blogs. All of it to make sure there is no time for spiritual brooding.

I don’t know how many times I already said it, but all this crap I´ve been through…….
They say suffering makes us grow, I say suffering makes us hate.

Maya

Did not mean to scare you away. Please tell me a little of yourself. If you don´t want to do it here write me at
aurora@mail.yellowstone.net

twins ??

Lately I have felt a great deal of satisfaction because I felt that the spiritual side finally loses its grip over me. Now it can go several days between times when spiritual thoughts come through.

Then, of course, I had to get a mail. A person that called herself Maya (well I think it is a female) said she read my entire blog. And checking the statistics, it looks like she had.

She said we were like twins, that reading about me was like reading her own story. Well, has no clue what that means really. But she probably has not come that far as I am right now because if she was she would not have read that blog. Because I am angry, still.

But I can´t help but wonder why she found it. And what made her read all of it.

I am not too happy about it because it is disturbing. I have no wish to start all over again. In fact I think it is impossible.

That aside, a peculiar thing happened. I was at the flower store and suddenly I realized I am tired of all beautiful flowers. I was startled because I did not think that would ever happen.