Deleted, letter to a friend

Hi friend, just want to say I deleted the blog before I went to bed last night. Not because of you, if you read the blog you have seen it´s been on my mind for some time. Started with deleting the forum about two months ago. There will be no more whining and complaining!

You say:” Either go whole hog or drop it.” and “Get on with it or drop it”, so far my experience is that I can block it for a while, but then it sneakes back if I don´t watch out. This past year I have tried to keep a low profile to keep it calm. Now that period is over.

It really makes no difference if it, my problems, comes from hidden consciousness or “outside” spirits. The result is the same.

It does not matter if I wanted to “go for it”, I would not know how to do that. We have a saying in sweden, “burnt child fears fire”. That is where I am. If I was a testanimal I would starve to death with food right in front of my nose because it gives me charges when I try to tuch it.

As you know I have no nice experiences that will make me go, that could serve as a carrot. I only had the 10 minutes when dancing in the forest. And that was probably not spiritual, rather a rush of adrenalin or other chemicals in the brain (sorry, forgot the name of the one I think of). The other times I felt nice outdoors, it was my own doing. Nothing spiritual about that.

Bad

Don´t know what to say really. I´m all messed up. Was reading that AB had a profound experience. With what happened lately with myself I felt bad about that. Not yealous, but bad. His work seem more of less done now and I never seem to get out ot this.

If this is truly “what we skall want” and “free will to do it” then why am I in this condition? I thought it had calmed down again. But no. I know that ab has investigated the “apparent” for some time now. Tried it, tasted it, smelled it. But I can´t do that . I can´t pretend that the universe, or parts of it, is “apparent”.

There is noone to talk to. I tried to get new friends as I am getting lonely. But those who was interested then don´t continue. Somehow they popped up and dissappeared. The photographing has come to a halt. Soon there will be nothing to do. It´s like it is cursed.

When I sat here I heard the mail dropping to the floor. Went to see what it was. It was a pamflett from some church. Well that was timely. I got so angry I took the pamflett. Put it in a pan and burned it on my balcony.

Everyone seem to “pull over” but me. Why can´t I do this? And as I can´t do this, why does it not leave me alone? They don´t let me live my life as I want it. Why don´t they then help me to get across? Why give me “messages” I have no clue what it means? Am I supposed to do something? I don´t dare anymore, because every time I tried to do something I was smashed. I can´t allow that anymore, not if I can avoid it. Next time I get hit I will sharpen that knife. And use it! There will be no “saving” next time.

I CAN´T DO THIS, PLEASE……….LEAVE ME ALONE

Lately I have been thinking of the purpose of writing this blog. Maybe there is still that tiny hope that ……….I don´t know.......

Gratitude? Teaching?

Read a blog yesterday. It is written by an awakened being. Or so it is told.

In two posts he describes how it is to live as an enlightened. And a bit of the struggle that occurs after the event happened. To align the new identity to daily day life.

He talks a lot of his curiosity about life and his gratitude towards the universe for that and for being liberated of fear.

Well, so far so good. Is that what I want?? No, it is not what I expeced it to be. I could have that life if the spiritside did not abuse me once in a while. As he describes it there are still two. To me this sounds like the next step is another religion. From gratitude, to praying to god (he does speak of god), to altars and getting followers.

IMO if one is truly at the highest point, there should be no gratitude or curiosity. It should just be “being” and “watching”. Probably thinking the body is a pain in the a.. when stumbling around with it. Hm... maybe that is why the ancient wise once seemed to sit all the time.

On the other hand, does not scriptures say there are several levels of awakening? Think I read something somewhere. You can never know when you are done.

.***********************
BTW, why is it that pain and fear is considered teaching? Love does not have the same affect, does it? And why is it that no matter how much people talk about oneness, people still think of awakening as going in the direction from bad to good. From black to white. It should be from both sides to the middle. To calmness, stillness.

And some, nowadays, really like the word “apparent”. I keep my mouth shut. But I still wonder how they can take a piece of the whole and say it either don´t exist or that it is apparent or an illusion. How can a piece of something be other than the whole? If I live here I am not “not existing” or “apparently living”, I am living in the same right as the universe as I am a part of it. And so are the spirits, deams and whatever you can think of. There can be no other way. There should be no need for all those cryptic ways of twisting a mind.

IMO, but that might turn out to be wrong………..or……….

Friend, if you read this, I hope this is not offending to you, I hope we still are friends. You once told me you choosed to be my friend, hope it is still your choice.

Spiritual forest

Was biking on a road I never visited before. I stoped to look for mushrooms a couple of times. Then, once, when I went into the forest I stoped dead. There was my soul. So strong spirit energy on that spot. It was calm and I could hardly move. The energy made me sit down on a stump and meditate. Did not get out of it until I noticed a lot of moscitobites on my feet.

Talk about being manipulated. Was it real or not? Can´t say until I visit the same spot once more. There are places with higer energy. This is most certainly one of them. A coincidence I found it today? Hardly!

She´s wining

She´s wining and gives me headache. I´m angry!

I think that instead of close the duality gap I started to eject her. I am tired of this whining and bad job. I am tired of being manipulated. I was fine with the idéa of true death. In fact I wanted to die. But all this crap going on, I hate it.

Now it seems like I try to get rid of the spirit. She can go elsewhere and whine and try to do what the h-l she is trying to do in such a bad way.

I had an idéa long ago that spirit was no more then a parasite to the human body, using it for it´s own purpose. The human can live without it. So, maybe that is what I do now, kick her but and ask her to leave.

I realised I do all this work with photo and a lot of other things in order to give the spirit thought lesser room. Now I go about new friends to talk to. Will give her even lesser space if I get it my way.

Sometimes I wonder what´s wrong with how “I” am. Why can´t “I” have those happy expectations of a neverending Eden? Why do “I” differ from everyone else? When I read something on Cot or elsewhere I always think, no…no..and no! It´s wrong. It´s not that way.

suuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, leave me alone, please! Get out of my head!

ok,ok

I shall write it down.

The last few days I followed a thread at Cot. Starion had questions about the workings of the universe. So I offered the book about Quantum Consciousness. I also pointed out to her about sensing people on distanse and feeling people, like the kids.

Yes, but that put something I felt for long into words. Have not posted it though. And probably winn not as I don´t want to end up in discussions.

To live in this world we need the shields between us. That makes up separate. Most people call it “ego” but I don´t like that word. What is “ego” actually? I prefere to call it “identity”. Life creates shields to contain identities to fulfill the experience of life. BUT, as I see it, sometimes those shields is not perefect. There are gaps and holes. Stonger or weaker in different cases. That allowes us to know and feel others. Sometimes we strongly feel being part of, or belong, to another. And even through great distance are able to sense them. It is because there is only distance in the world of life and matter.

Those gaps provide a “peek hole” to the greater world of existence, other levels beyond this world of matter.

This has nagged at me for a few days now. Maybe now my mind can get a rest?

Another one

This time I was biking to the job. My college, the third person and I was working on three different jobs. We all did parts on all three jobs. When I was about to leave for home I asked my boss: you send the payment? He just frowned. So I understood there is no payment. Then I frowned too, thought :so what? Then left.


I think there was two dreams as I woke up and then went back to sleep. Don´t remember the second one, just think there was one.

So, now, still no message of WHAT to do. Earlier when I had “working dreams” it was about working on the wrong system where I could not save my work. Think I had a least 10 of them. This time, one part, is the third unknown person. And the uncertainty of getting payd somehow. In the first dream the third person was leading the work somehow, now it is working beside. Taking part of the work.

Still have no message of what to do?? I´m not starting anything again unless I am shown in what direction I shall go. Spirit! Do a better job! We are part of the same, you know I hate riddles. If you can produce riddles, you´re also able to produce something I can use.

If something has to be done, be specific or I will not work. I´ve taken contol of dreams once before when I got mad enough. I can do it again and destroy the dreams.

Another dream

Dreamt again. This time about work.

My last boss called me to do a days work. He had been asked to do something to see if we could do it and get the job. It was not my regular job, more like an investigation of sorts.
I took the train and worked one day, some persons was involved that somehow guided that work. I did not really see them, was only aware that somebody was there. I never figured out what we were doing even if work was done. In the afternoon the boss came back and talked to the others. I got no message so I packed up and made myself ready to go to the station. My bosses wife came in, are you packing? Yes, nobody said I shall be working with this so I clear up.But they said you were doing a good job she said. Well, nobody told me. My boss was supposed to take me to the station (that is the normal deal since I moved in the real life) We went and I waited for him to tell me if I am to work or not. There was a feeling that I should, but nothing was said.
And that is where the dream ended.

Well, yeah, this is better. But there are still no message to what I am supposed to do. Better, but not good enough. They have to do better or I skip it all. I don´t bother, I have realised that the “living forever” part everyone are so anxious about in fact does not apply to the human that I am. When I die I will stay dead. That is great. If the spirit part wants to live forever it is up to her to work for it. Spirit has to work harder! Not me the human. I have no problem with dying and to stay dead, that will be a relief.

Nothing matters!

This is also one of those disturbing stuff that has been going on the past years.

Like now, a while ago. I woke up, there was promised a sunny day but there are clouds outside. A little voice inside, “so what”!

I am working with those photographs, taking a lot of pics. I started to watch birds, butterflies and even bugs I encounter and are reporting the findings on a Spieces Art Portal. They want to know how the environment are. As I have no job I have time doing this.

I care for my parents, pick berries for them. They don´t have to feel guilty about that as I like picking berries.

My daughter and grandkids mostly needs assistant in money. Then I send them money.

And then brain says, sneaky, inside, like from hiding: It is not important!!!!! Hundreds of times each day it whispers silently. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT!!!!!

SO WHAT!!! SO DAMN WHAT??????? I DON´T CARE. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY. IT IS COMMON HUMAN BUSINESS. I DON´T CARE IF IT IS IMPORTANT OR NOT. A HUMAN HAS THINGS TO TEND TO. STOP TELLING ME IT IS NOT IMPORTANT, TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS!
CRAP! When I DO something in the spiritual way nowadays, I still gets smashed. SO, what the hell do you want me to do?????????????????????

I hate this!

Had a dream this morning. And I tell you I dream rearely that I remember, mostly when there are some spiritual stuff going on.

This dream was about travel. I was about to make travel with some familymembers. Overseas. The day for departure was in, but I never even packed. Then I asked what time the train was departing to the airport. Noone had even looked for it, me neither. Had to go home in a rush to seek out timetables and pack. Very disturbed.

So, what does this mean? I read the chapter about Auraura on their site. It was appealing somehow. It turned out to be directed to Lightworkers. If her story is true, which I have no reason, really, to doubt, she had have an interesting live to say the least. And here I sit with just fragments of stuff that makes me feel important. What a laugh.

But there are one thing, I once told grim I will not go anywhere unless the question about “life” and “creation” is answered. He could not give it, but this might give that answer. Maybe!

So, went to that site and tried to order that book. Turned out this is new site not really working yet. They wanted people to order that book without even knowing how much it costed. Anyway, filld out the form halfway to make a question. Got an answer this morning but without the prize. Only what item I wanted.

And then this dream, I did not sleep well tonight and I rarely do that too. So, the dream are probably having a connection to the Auraura site.

Does it mean I shall go there? Or does it mean I am going in the wrong direction again? I HATE WHEN THEY SEND MESSAGES THAT I DON´T UNDERSTAND. I WILL NOT EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT. IF THEY CAN´T SEND ME MESSAGES I UNDERSTAND, THEN KEEP QUIET. SHOUT UP! DON´T BOTHER ME!

I REALLY HATE THIS!!!!!!!

Return of the Goddess, COT 070801

Sometimes things gets spooky. This morning a thread, an advertise, appeared on COT. A quick look on it made me wonder. Is it connected to that “message”? Have to look at it some more. I saw some “saving the universe” stuff that might be hard to swallow, but apart from that, there seemed to be something in line with what is on my mind right now.

Well, we´ll see if it is worth while.

Some snippets:
The Mother of Creation, the Source of God and all existence, Auraura (This name being the expression of Her crystalline essence, containing all the colour rays within)

Auraura spoke of her name, “It’s part of your aura, doesn’t it make sense to you, the rays coming through the white light, it is in everything that you see. I did not birth as such, I created, it was a thought, there are colour entities everywhere.”

the ‘Being of Stars’ came again and explained that she is Auraura (pronounced Aurora) The Mother Of Creation, The Mother of God, the feminine aspect or expression of ‘All That Is,’ the Source of life and all existence.


And I call myself Aurora. How can I not react? ;) It certainly rings some bells.