There seems to be no final stuff. This popped up in my brain while biking home from a dinner with my parents.
If there was no life in the Universe, would it STILL be cool to be enlightened? Or is the enlightened thing dependent of “life”? What would enlightenment be without “maya” or “life”?
Can awareness be aware if there is nothing to be aware of?
Every “enlightened” being that we know of is still in this world of the living. Can they still be there if life is wiped out?
Somehow I feel like I am only reporting what is happening. I´m not really involved in it.
2007-06-29
2007-06-21
One final thing
There seem to be one final thing to write down.
Is the Universe static or changing?
It comes back to this question, does it not?
I have always known/believed in changes and evolution. That is what we see everywhere all around us. There is no place where it is not. We are here because the Universe evolves. We are here because the NEED in changing and evolving. There are no way we can talk us out ot that.
In science, so far, they have theories about strings. The “string-soup” might not change, but the individual strings constantly moving. There is nothing that says the “soup” is not evolving. Actually, it has to, or we would not be here.
Now, for the past years, people and writings have constantly tried to make me believe. First in a heaven where one should live eternally. Sounds disgusting to me. Then when I learned about Enlightenment and Awareness they tried to make me believe in “nothingness” and an eternal Awareness without change.
IMO there can be no Awareness without Evolution. PERIOD!
The confusion have caused me a lot of pain and suffering. Every person so convinced of their own beliefs and I knew nothing. Tried to figure out what was right. Then, when even those who claimed to be awakened, starts all over again I finally stoped. LIFE is a constant evolution. On every possible level!
So, my final conclusion, that still is what has been there all along, is an Awareness that evolves. The reason for the Awakened to not see that, would be that they are, still, in human bodies, and those bodies can not notice changes that occurs as slow as I think it does at the basic level.
We are all connected as we are part of the Universal Awareness and as we change, so does the Whole. How can it be otherwise?
Also, about suffering and hardships! If that is what is needed to make us grow and evolve. What would possible be the reason for that? If we shall suffer and evolve only to go back to that unchanging thing we came from? Certainly does not make sence. If The Awareness, All, does not change, then there is no need for us to evolve either, so hardship, or anything else for that matter, is not needed.
To answer the question, we are here due to an evolving Universe.
I AM …….. the Beginning
I AM ….….. the End
I ..A M ………………..
That is what it whispered.
Is the Universe static or changing?
It comes back to this question, does it not?
I have always known/believed in changes and evolution. That is what we see everywhere all around us. There is no place where it is not. We are here because the Universe evolves. We are here because the NEED in changing and evolving. There are no way we can talk us out ot that.
In science, so far, they have theories about strings. The “string-soup” might not change, but the individual strings constantly moving. There is nothing that says the “soup” is not evolving. Actually, it has to, or we would not be here.
Now, for the past years, people and writings have constantly tried to make me believe. First in a heaven where one should live eternally. Sounds disgusting to me. Then when I learned about Enlightenment and Awareness they tried to make me believe in “nothingness” and an eternal Awareness without change.
IMO there can be no Awareness without Evolution. PERIOD!
The confusion have caused me a lot of pain and suffering. Every person so convinced of their own beliefs and I knew nothing. Tried to figure out what was right. Then, when even those who claimed to be awakened, starts all over again I finally stoped. LIFE is a constant evolution. On every possible level!
So, my final conclusion, that still is what has been there all along, is an Awareness that evolves. The reason for the Awakened to not see that, would be that they are, still, in human bodies, and those bodies can not notice changes that occurs as slow as I think it does at the basic level.
We are all connected as we are part of the Universal Awareness and as we change, so does the Whole. How can it be otherwise?
Also, about suffering and hardships! If that is what is needed to make us grow and evolve. What would possible be the reason for that? If we shall suffer and evolve only to go back to that unchanging thing we came from? Certainly does not make sence. If The Awareness, All, does not change, then there is no need for us to evolve either, so hardship, or anything else for that matter, is not needed.
To answer the question, we are here due to an evolving Universe.
I AM …….. the Beginning
I AM ….….. the End
I ..A M ………………..
That is what it whispered.
2007-06-16
Coming to en end??
I have finished reading that paper about R Rose as I decided to do.
I don´t know if it gave anything, maybe! Anyway I feel like I am finished now. There are no curiosity. I cant see what else there would be to learn about without actually transform. It seems like the “pushing” has decreased too. I have “learned” I guess but I have no clue really what I have learned or for what reason.
I don´t think I´ll write much on this blog for a while. We´ll see. Things can change. When those who was supposed to be awakened suddenly gets nuts and wants to continue, then you can never really know when and IF one EVER gets done.
For now it´s cool and I am happy about that.
So, now I am off to see my dad, he is probably in his last moments. Somehow I wish it was me.
I don´t know if it gave anything, maybe! Anyway I feel like I am finished now. There are no curiosity. I cant see what else there would be to learn about without actually transform. It seems like the “pushing” has decreased too. I have “learned” I guess but I have no clue really what I have learned or for what reason.
I don´t think I´ll write much on this blog for a while. We´ll see. Things can change. When those who was supposed to be awakened suddenly gets nuts and wants to continue, then you can never really know when and IF one EVER gets done.
For now it´s cool and I am happy about that.
So, now I am off to see my dad, he is probably in his last moments. Somehow I wish it was me.
2007-06-11
What stage is real?
when one becomes awakened the new idientity is more real then the old one, they say. But is that not the same as the relation between what I am today to what I was as an infant?
The “infant” me does not seem very real to what I am today. And what I will become will see my present “me” as equally “unreal”.
To find “Truth” seems to be a way to become “adult” too soon. Like an infant pretending to be 20 yrs, ahead of schedule.
The “infant” me had to be there for me to become what I am today, What I am today has to be for me to become in the future.
So, what stage is “real truth”. Only the last one?????
Can you jump to the end station and claim that is the only real part of the trip?
The “infant” me does not seem very real to what I am today. And what I will become will see my present “me” as equally “unreal”.
To find “Truth” seems to be a way to become “adult” too soon. Like an infant pretending to be 20 yrs, ahead of schedule.
The “infant” me had to be there for me to become what I am today, What I am today has to be for me to become in the future.
So, what stage is “real truth”. Only the last one?????
Can you jump to the end station and claim that is the only real part of the trip?
2007-06-10
Calmed me. Yes!
Have read chapter 17, Revelation. Here the author qoutes bits from Roses books and own words. In this chapter is a description of Rose´s transformation.
And, suddenly, I became calm.
Yes!
I say YES to this!
And, suddenly, I became calm.
Yes!
I say YES to this!
2007-06-07
Thebes
My friend told me that she never experienced two simultainously. So, if I am unique in this, it explains why I always had a difficulty with the “it is not as it seem”-phrase, that everyone just LOVE to say. To me that phrase meant that spirit/soul did not exist. As that is what I felt I am it caused me a lot because the meaning was the opposite as intended.
That identification does not lessen the inputs from the body. They are felt as strong as the body-functions are created to do. But now I understand why people may identify with body. And why this always have been an issue.
It is the same problems with “illusions”. In my situation nothing is seen as illusions. Everything is real. On every level. But I might understand why people likes to think of it as illusions. This too, has been a big issue. Should MY reality be an illusion? Can´t be.
30/11 1995 in Thebes
I bought a ring with Horuseye on it and a necklace-piece. That one has a Serpent wearing the doublecrown, Horuseye and Maat on it. When I was out on the street I got a vision. I was “watched” by what I later described as “the silent one”. The necklace ment: The doublecrown of egypt is me, the body/mind (red) and the spirit/soul (White). The Serpant is the ruler symboled by the crown. The Horuseye is the Watcher (watching but not intervening) and Protector. Maat is the judge.
And this was before all spiritual trouble started. Triggered by male/job crap.
That identification does not lessen the inputs from the body. They are felt as strong as the body-functions are created to do. But now I understand why people may identify with body. And why this always have been an issue.
It is the same problems with “illusions”. In my situation nothing is seen as illusions. Everything is real. On every level. But I might understand why people likes to think of it as illusions. This too, has been a big issue. Should MY reality be an illusion? Can´t be.
30/11 1995 in Thebes
I bought a ring with Horuseye on it and a necklace-piece. That one has a Serpent wearing the doublecrown, Horuseye and Maat on it. When I was out on the street I got a vision. I was “watched” by what I later described as “the silent one”. The necklace ment: The doublecrown of egypt is me, the body/mind (red) and the spirit/soul (White). The Serpant is the ruler symboled by the crown. The Horuseye is the Watcher (watching but not intervening) and Protector. Maat is the judge.
And this was before all spiritual trouble started. Triggered by male/job crap.
2007-06-05
Being Important!
Had a lesson to learn today.
Went to one of the lakes to get some tan today. When I arrived to the spot a woman I met before was there. With her was that wonderful little puppy called Willy. He just loved everything about life. Me too. J
Well, I met this woman about 2 months ago. Then she had another young dog with her. She was sad as she was about to put him to sleep. He was only 9 months but suffered severely from hip-pain. That dog was named Alex, and my first grandchilds name was Alexander. She was so sad about this problem and she said that she would probably never have another dog.
I told her about “my” Alex. He died 7 weeks old. He was such a sweet little one, so beautiful despite his illness. I told the woman that I am glad he died because he would have to live with ..should he live and being an invalid. But I also told her that I never regret that he visited us for that period of time. He gave us so much during that time it overweight every minute of sorrow.
Now she told me that especially the last comment had helped her a lot. To go through that experience of putting a young dog to sleep. I had taken some pics of the dog that day as I sent her on mail. It too had helped. She obviously saw this event as a very special thing. When people told her she took this thing very good she told them about our meeting, and they seemed to take it as a sign, that we met for her to be helped.
I helped her more then I would imagine and now she comes back when I needed it, due to what happened the past days.
Isn´t life just wonderful sometimes? Wether there some intervening or not.
Went to one of the lakes to get some tan today. When I arrived to the spot a woman I met before was there. With her was that wonderful little puppy called Willy. He just loved everything about life. Me too. J
Well, I met this woman about 2 months ago. Then she had another young dog with her. She was sad as she was about to put him to sleep. He was only 9 months but suffered severely from hip-pain. That dog was named Alex, and my first grandchilds name was Alexander. She was so sad about this problem and she said that she would probably never have another dog.
I told her about “my” Alex. He died 7 weeks old. He was such a sweet little one, so beautiful despite his illness. I told the woman that I am glad he died because he would have to live with ..should he live and being an invalid. But I also told her that I never regret that he visited us for that period of time. He gave us so much during that time it overweight every minute of sorrow.
Now she told me that especially the last comment had helped her a lot. To go through that experience of putting a young dog to sleep. I had taken some pics of the dog that day as I sent her on mail. It too had helped. She obviously saw this event as a very special thing. When people told her she took this thing very good she told them about our meeting, and they seemed to take it as a sign, that we met for her to be helped.
I helped her more then I would imagine and now she comes back when I needed it, due to what happened the past days.
Isn´t life just wonderful sometimes? Wether there some intervening or not.
The Double
Rose in Meditation chapter13, still there, it’s a long chapter.
quote from the e-book:
"The principle of duality has been discussed several times thus far in a large, philosophical
sense. The form of self-study described here also allows one to recognize the experience of dualism in one’s own psychological processing of life—as versus direct experience with-out the reactive interpretation and projection—and to reconcile it. A good metaphor for the start of duality or mental division in our early life experience is that of a cassette tape that jams as the flow of tape gets stuck at some point on the rolling wheel, and then doubles up from that point on. One must follow the tape back to its initial point of stuckness and free it. Once the flow continues, there is only oneness of experience and no trace of there ever having been anything else (i.e. sin, suffering, separation, knowledge of good and evil). This reconciliation of one’s psychic splitting off, whether it resulted from a specific trauma which could not be fully processed and assimilated at the time it occurred or simply due to
the birth of the ego (within the individual mind, which is itself a more diffuse form of ego) in childhood, as previously explained, will be seen to directly relate to the ascendance of the observer up Jacob’s Ladder.
Meditation can then be described as having two simultaneous phases or dimensions to it: first, to define oneself properly as an individual human being by correcting the errors contaminating the ego-mind, and second, to back away from that self—and into the Observer. "
--------------------------
This might have something to do with my “duality”. Have to look into that. Was it created during the period when I “run away” from granpa? It was a difficult time, when people did not realise what was going on and then wanted me to act in certain ways. My grandma was in trouble because he was angry as I revolted. My parents was also desturbed by what happened. And I could not tell.
I remember I hold “myself” tight to save “me”. Maybe that double was created then. Somehow I created a "cave" where "I" would be safe. I broke free physically, but not mentally. Seems like I now have to “put myself together, before I dismiss it”.
quote from the e-book:
"The principle of duality has been discussed several times thus far in a large, philosophical
sense. The form of self-study described here also allows one to recognize the experience of dualism in one’s own psychological processing of life—as versus direct experience with-out the reactive interpretation and projection—and to reconcile it. A good metaphor for the start of duality or mental division in our early life experience is that of a cassette tape that jams as the flow of tape gets stuck at some point on the rolling wheel, and then doubles up from that point on. One must follow the tape back to its initial point of stuckness and free it. Once the flow continues, there is only oneness of experience and no trace of there ever having been anything else (i.e. sin, suffering, separation, knowledge of good and evil). This reconciliation of one’s psychic splitting off, whether it resulted from a specific trauma which could not be fully processed and assimilated at the time it occurred or simply due to
the birth of the ego (within the individual mind, which is itself a more diffuse form of ego) in childhood, as previously explained, will be seen to directly relate to the ascendance of the observer up Jacob’s Ladder.
Meditation can then be described as having two simultaneous phases or dimensions to it: first, to define oneself properly as an individual human being by correcting the errors contaminating the ego-mind, and second, to back away from that self—and into the Observer. "
--------------------------
This might have something to do with my “duality”. Have to look into that. Was it created during the period when I “run away” from granpa? It was a difficult time, when people did not realise what was going on and then wanted me to act in certain ways. My grandma was in trouble because he was angry as I revolted. My parents was also desturbed by what happened. And I could not tell.
I remember I hold “myself” tight to save “me”. Maybe that double was created then. Somehow I created a "cave" where "I" would be safe. I broke free physically, but not mentally. Seems like I now have to “put myself together, before I dismiss it”.
2007-06-04
Encouraging me
My friend encorages me and I mostly dismiss it. As I did now about this insight I had.
So many times different people has told me that I am special, and to me that feels weird, as I don´t see it. But sometimes it got to my head. Some part of me wanted to believe those things. Starting to wait for those wonderful things to happen. That I had a place to fill in helping others. Being important. “Saving the world” kind of thing, you know what I mean. These things never happened and then I felt fooled. So, I try not to listen, or rather believe it, when people tell me nice things. To avoid becoming dissappointed.
Somehow it is similar to my grandkids longing for their father a couple of years ago, but knowing he is liying all the time. He does not come despite the promise given. They hope this time will be different, but no……..
So many times different people has told me that I am special, and to me that feels weird, as I don´t see it. But sometimes it got to my head. Some part of me wanted to believe those things. Starting to wait for those wonderful things to happen. That I had a place to fill in helping others. Being important. “Saving the world” kind of thing, you know what I mean. These things never happened and then I felt fooled. So, I try not to listen, or rather believe it, when people tell me nice things. To avoid becoming dissappointed.
Somehow it is similar to my grandkids longing for their father a couple of years ago, but knowing he is liying all the time. He does not come despite the promise given. They hope this time will be different, but no……..
2007-06-02
Rose in Meditation chapter13
Finally it is starting to make some sense. I like this! It corresponds with my own ideas.
quote from the e-book:
. To pretend to turn away from the ego-self, while de facto still being at best only the thought of transcendence maintained by this same ego, is to be once again out-witted by the mind. This must be seen. On the other side of the paradox, however, this human self is not to be derisively (hånfullt) regarded as garbage to be thrown out or a sinner to be deprecated(ogillad), as this would still be another subtle form of identification within duality, implied by one’s desire to disassociate from it or repudiate (förkasta) it. This common religious attitude is dangerously misleading.
Personal delusion is better likened to a cancer of a body system, in which the objective is to locate the cause of the disease and remedy it, returning the organism to wholeness and vitality; not to cut out the offending body parts as if excommunicated.
The human being is not the Self, but it is evidently an intended part of its total manifestation. Nonduality in regards to the Self is to incorporate the “self” (purified of the ego that would inhabit it) as a part of the whole picture of reality too, and not something contrary to it. What is required is to allow it to be, truth-fully, as a relative, human self within its own domain—which is within the Self’s larger domain, yet to realize that one is not it.
quote from the e-book:
. To pretend to turn away from the ego-self, while de facto still being at best only the thought of transcendence maintained by this same ego, is to be once again out-witted by the mind. This must be seen. On the other side of the paradox, however, this human self is not to be derisively (hånfullt) regarded as garbage to be thrown out or a sinner to be deprecated(ogillad), as this would still be another subtle form of identification within duality, implied by one’s desire to disassociate from it or repudiate (förkasta) it. This common religious attitude is dangerously misleading.
Personal delusion is better likened to a cancer of a body system, in which the objective is to locate the cause of the disease and remedy it, returning the organism to wholeness and vitality; not to cut out the offending body parts as if excommunicated.
The human being is not the Self, but it is evidently an intended part of its total manifestation. Nonduality in regards to the Self is to incorporate the “self” (purified of the ego that would inhabit it) as a part of the whole picture of reality too, and not something contrary to it. What is required is to allow it to be, truth-fully, as a relative, human self within its own domain—which is within the Self’s larger domain, yet to realize that one is not it.
2007-06-01
Tears or laughter
today I don´t know weather to laugh of cry.
It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.
One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.
Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.
Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.
I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?
And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.
Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???
It has been a cloudy and rainy week so today I just went for a short walk to the nearby lake. In the little forest a thought suddenly hit my mind. All that spiritual trouble, I told you it is not “me” as Monica that wants this, it is the othe aspect of me that pushes on. Now, I realized this puts me in the same situation as with a lot of other stuff. I´ve been there many years and I did not see it. I did not connect it to spiritual work.
One result of the abuse of my grandfather has been that I don´t like when people tries to make me to do things I don´t like to do. Especially when they try to provoke it by making me feel guilty.
Well, isn´t that what I have been expressed all along when it comes to spiritual stuff? It´s not “me”. I am being pushed. Why do I have to feel guilty because I don´t have that commitment? And when reading stuff and talking to people, you are supposed to be committed. That is why I got twisted when I read the first chapters of the Rose-paper.
Why do they DEMAND that we shall do things? This way or that way. If I am not reacting accordingly I shall be ashamed and feel guilty.
I want this to have its own natural course. Why are there so many DEMANDS?
And now, I realize that one reason for me to dislike the path is the fact that my grandfather made me hate being trapped.
Yet, the path is seeking me, so what do I do now???
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