All I wanted……

…was some peace at heart.

Looked up some old stuff I had on the internet 8 years ago. I had a homepage and posted some diary about the troublesome times due to yoga-school. I had it hidden, could not decide if I wanted people to read it. But it made me start looking for answers on the internet.

I started yoga/meditation school because I was so tired due to work and men trouble. Everywhere there was articles about the benefits of yoga and meditation. Should make you calm, strong and happy. I had done some earlier in life with rather good result so I was not suspicious. But I should have been. If I had known then……..I would never started that yoga class.

At that time I knew nothing about religion, the Dark Night, awakening, enlightenment, the Abolute or Rigpa. All I wanted was some piece at heart. And that was the only thing I never got. I was thrown into a journey I did not know anything about. Had no clue of what it was about. Did not know what happened or what it ment. Searching everywhere for answers but rearely found any. Still don´t know really what it is. Why all this throuble has occurred for something I don´t even know if I want. Trying to fit all those things together. Energy, healing, astral, visions, dreams, minds, love, illusion to name a few.

And all those “hits”. In the blogentry I mentioned the snaps in my brain. There are two kinds, one that snap in the back of the brain. Did not happen the past two years I think. The other always comes when I relax before I go to sleep. It is like the brain squezzes for a second. Accompanied with a sound I can´t describe.

It is strange. 9 years ago I knew nothing about this. A lot happened during those years, but the basic understanding I had at that time is still the same today. And now………..all this for nothing. I did not even get that peace. On the contrary, everything has been taken from me. Ripped away. I am naked with a blindfold that is wet of tears.