Apartments again

First, my dad told me yesterday he had been visited by my mother twice last night. She died 8 months ago.

OK, woke up rather early this morning but managed to go back to sleep. Woke up again after 2.5h and I think the dream lasted the better part of that time.

First I was in the old place where I was working for Gunnar. It was an old, molten and dark place and I had lived there for long. There was the big old aquarium, still there, but with no fish any more. (have dreamt about it 2 before) I was cleaning up some stuff there. Old papers and stuff to throw away. Then some people arrived, and a woman came to find me. She had a parcelgoods with furniture to deliver to me.

Oh, but it shall not be in here, you have to take it to the new appartment. A place I hired in another dream. A big appartment on the topfloor of a building. Then I hurried on to clean out the old one fast so I could go to the new one and receive that parcelgoods.

When I came to the buildning I realised I had to climb on the wall, passing a very narrow place to get to the top floor. When I got into the appartment there was, again, a lot of old stuff, not mine, to clean out. Remember a lot of residue of wallpaper. So, old large appartment that is supposed to become nice and great. The first piece of furniture is in place. But I still don´t know what it was.

*************************’
So, if I get this right, I have now cleaned out and left a lot of crap behind. I am in the new place and have to make it that great place to be in. Still a lot of work to do. But with what am I supposed to fill it? I can´t use the old stuff. There can be no reading old texts for clues.

Well, anyway, it is better to build anew. But with what??????????? Better not be too happy, can still mean a lot of grief.

Gone!

Now, all books are gone. Threw them out this morning. Now I only have to “clean up” the computer. Lot´s of links to delete.

Dzogchen ended up in the lake

Says it all, doesn´t it? It´s been nagging at me for a couple of days. Tried to read some by the lake today. It is just crap, all of it sooo……..ended up in the wet. Guess I am done reading now. It became food for fish.

What an awful day.

Today I was checking out some DVD.s with relaxing systems in them. Like yoga, tatji and such.
I ended up with a day like the one in december. One crying attack after another. Kept going on for three hours. Hurts like hell. Why don´t they just kill me? I don´t want to live like this. For how many more years do I have to live like this? It does not matter what I do or not do. I still end up in this horrible situation. Why don´t they just kill me?

My eyes are sore after floods of tears, my head aching, the muscles are stiff and hurting from defence system, trying to smash things in anguish. The workout maschine was hit hard today. Trying to release some of the pain. Then I took a pill to ease it for a while.

Why don´t they just kill me if they never aprove of what I do? I wish my dad dies so I can kill myself as they don´t do it.

Sore muscles

My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them. L

Yeah…. like choosing between plague and cholera. To ease the stiff and aching muscles I have to go where I know I will ultimately be back in being smashed. Is there any way to balance this at all? How can I let the body use what the mind can´t handle? Is it possible at all? When the body relaxes into ……… the mind and spirit follows, then, back to being smashed………..like before, so many months to try to heal, just to being cut to pieces again.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I can´t.

Free will & Sore muscles

Was reading about tests indicating free will as tests indicate descission is made before we are aware of it. I´d say these testresults is not an indication if there is free will or not. It is more likely to be the first indication that we are NOT the body/brain. There is a spirit of sorts that IS US. That spirit “me” is doing the descision, then there is a delay until it can be executed in the body. Much like a driver in a car. The driver makes the decision, then it has to be trenaformed to the car that executes it. And much like a driver is dependent of the quality of the car, the spirit is dependent of the quality of the body-brain system at it´s disposal.

So, more research might show us the spirit that we are. And the question of free will must be placed on a higher level.


My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them.

Tibetan book

In the bath tub I was thinking, minds wandering actually, that I should not really have to figth the spiritual. As they say, chip and more, the universe is static and don´t move, so why am I in this fighting and avoiding situation? They also say there is no emotions, so how can I be hurt?

The Tibetan book I wrote about before, that was wrong too. If I can “recognise myself as that energy” then it is something outside “myself”. And it can´t be “me”. When I am IT, there is nothing outside to recognice. So that book is compleately worthless.

Mind is constructing a huge amount of lies to keep it where it is. Separate! So difficult to harnest. Even when you know it, so hard to convince the mind, the tragic of life. Even if the mind wants to die, it clings.

So, why waste so much energy on fighting something that don´t exist? Should not have to do that.
But as long as it harass me, I guess I have to. Mind just loves to invent stories and intrigues.

European song contest

Another dream on the same topic. I miss the event!

SOOOOOOOO WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Stopp harrasing me. This time I was compeating in the song contest. Just before I was to perform I realised I lost the lyrics. It was no way I could remember it. When searching for a paper with it on I missed the time I should be on stage. So, then I ran up a long stairway to get to the stage, hopefully I would remember when the music started. But it was too late, when I get there my time was over already.

So, once again, I “missed the train, or ship or songcontest”. And yet again I scream: get out of my head! How the hell am I supposed to know what you expect me to do?

If you want it soo bad, the hell, tell me what to do! Or finally, get the hell out of my head. I can´t both do something and be stopped when trying.

I refuse in playing this stupid game.. I don´t care, when I die I am gone, what happens to you is not my concern, sooo, get the hell out of my head.

I was accused of not listening, but what happens to me has nothing to do with “teaching” as I understand it. It is about what happens, not what is said.

Reading......Silence Is .....

It is strange, but why is it that paople don´t seem to read what I actually write? They seem to read something totally different.

I think I understand what people write, at least if I read their words, so why don´t they understand what I write? Is what happen to me so compleately different they have no chance of comprehend it? Not that it really matters now, but………….maybe I´ll just stop talking, then the problem is solved. Noone has to be confused any more.

Silence Is Golden…………….. is it? (oh, my´I just hate questions they seem to have a life of their own)