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Many times the spiritual has been tooooooo hard and thrown me out. So many I can´t even count them. Making me cursing it, protesting and whatever. Every time I turned my back in agony I had those crying attacks as well as bodily symtoms like knots in stomach and blood from rectum. This time it is no different when it comes to that. Usually the symptoms stop, eventually, and the spirituality is pulling me back.

BUT, that is different now, this time there is no going back. It is not possible!
This time everything is gone, instead of becoming Everything I was thrown back to be a bag of thinking flesh. Every thing and everybody is gone. No friends is left, not even one single penpal. Questions and curiosity is gone. I can´t even think of reading another article or finishing the book I started. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I am writing this only because I don´t want to leave the blog right in the middle of nowhere. If there is anyone reading it, you should know that not every path leads to a happy ending.

Hm… Even my “normal” life is affected. Things like videos get broken or it is impossible to record. A lot of trouble. Much more then usual. Can´t help but blaming the spiritual for it. I bet it is messing up my life. Why not just kill me? At least that would be a good thing.