Home again

When I woke up this morning my first thought was: where am I? The dissappointment that arose when I discovered I was in my own bed was HUGE.

Realised I always wanted to travel. Ever since I was a teen and wanted to go to Australia and could not. Even the feeling of arriving to the airport was nice even if I had to sleep on a bench as the plane was leaving so early.

Wonder if I ever get to travel again? There is just one problem about travels now, it is almost impossible to avoid churches, and I have no business there. I am building that wall again, to protect myself from further abusements. To be able to live.

Can´t live like this

Now I know why I always done EVERYTHING to heal myself. I can´t stand it. I can´t live like this and now there are nowhere where I can seek peace and tranquility for my sour heart and mind. How long can I make it? Long enough for my dad to die so he don´t become upset because of that?I don´t know!

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It is like I am in a vacuum. Doing things without careing. Not even the anger upsets me anymore, when stuff don´t work even if they are supposed to. The pain covers it all. It is like a thick blanket covering every inch of me. Am leaving for Venice tomorrow but don´t feel much exitement. The only thing I look forward too is the posibility to hear the ocean once again. Maybe the last time.

Talking to myself

Being alone……..never been before, even I I were by myself only. But now I am.

Biking home today I realised it is probably my own fault. I mean… the situation I am in now. All my life I have tried to heal myself when I was abused in different ways. Always turned to forest and water, calm music and such for healing. I thought it helped me to survive. But now I wonder, maybe I was wrong? As it seems now it was the calm and tranquility that led to the next hit. The next blow. The next not understood dissappointment.

This time I can´t do that even if I wanted. I don´t find peace in the forest or on the water anymore. “Touch the light and you get burned”. Better to walk away, turn your back on it and go. Now the wound has to stay open. It can´t heal anymore.

Well, funnier things is coming. Going to Venice for a few days. A needed break.

Never mind!

The labrat has to become a zombie

Today I biked around the lake. Stoped at the small waterfall to feel the soothing of water and air. But I can´t do that anymore. It took just a few minutes until I had to leave. That too is spoiled, now there is nothing or nowhere I can seek peace. For decades I could use the lakes and forest to comfort me. Not any more. Talk about it stealing EVERYTHING away from me. I have to become a zombie.

I wish my dad could die instead of living that pathetic life. When he is dead and everything finished …then I can go too. I wish…………………….I could sease to exist. Never to be found again. Never to be aware again! This is a living hell, when you can´t even find comfort in nature.

The labrat will starve to death, it cant´t eat because it has been electrified too many times. There is no way it can tuch the food.

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Many times the spiritual has been tooooooo hard and thrown me out. So many I can´t even count them. Making me cursing it, protesting and whatever. Every time I turned my back in agony I had those crying attacks as well as bodily symtoms like knots in stomach and blood from rectum. This time it is no different when it comes to that. Usually the symptoms stop, eventually, and the spirituality is pulling me back.

BUT, that is different now, this time there is no going back. It is not possible!
This time everything is gone, instead of becoming Everything I was thrown back to be a bag of thinking flesh. Every thing and everybody is gone. No friends is left, not even one single penpal. Questions and curiosity is gone. I can´t even think of reading another article or finishing the book I started. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I am writing this only because I don´t want to leave the blog right in the middle of nowhere. If there is anyone reading it, you should know that not every path leads to a happy ending.

Hm… Even my “normal” life is affected. Things like videos get broken or it is impossible to record. A lot of trouble. Much more then usual. Can´t help but blaming the spiritual for it. I bet it is messing up my life. Why not just kill me? At least that would be a good thing.

withdrawal

Yesterday i said goodbye to chip. Can´t write to her anymore as she is a constant reminder of my problems with spirituality. And I just want to forget about it all.

It is strange, she is awakened, yet she has no clue whatsoever of what is happening to me. Where is the wisdom? One is supposed to become wise when awakened, right? Why did she not explain what was misunderstood? Never mind, it does not matter anymore.

Yet…. her only response to my email was standard klichée about “I am already that!”. Like that was supposed to help. L It seems to me that one is getting dumb when awakened instead of wise. She always told me things I already knew, never the things I needed. I needed help with what happened to me, not what dumb scriptures said. Old scripts is just misleading, not helping. They say nothing about my situation.
Now I am in a situation when I am crying constantly again. But it does not matter, I am not changing, am not going back.

I AM NOT GOING BACK, STARTING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. NEVER… NEVER!!!!!!
It does not matter how much they make me cry, I am NOT going back. Am NOT starting it all over again. I live this life as long as I have to, pretending it is needed. Then I end it. Will not live as my dad does. I will not do that.

What a mess! Just pretending! Eyes red!