Yet another weird dream.

This morning I had another most disturbing dream. With a bit different setting. This time I forgot my backpack in a car after talking to a scoolmate of my daughter. A long dream that continued even when I tried to wake up. As my backpack was in the womans car and I did not know where it was, I was out of everything and could not go home. I had no phone, no key no money. It was a long dream and I can´t write it all down.



After a while I started to be confused, found everything weird and tried to get out of the dream. I almost had to knock myself over to be able to open my eyes.


I am sick and tired of this. For all those years when I was looking for the spiritual change they refused to let me find the “key”. I was refused to try out the things I wanted to explore. They did not trust me to be able to do what I was supposed to. They sent lightnings to my brain telling me “ don´t do this”. They split my brain in two when I meditated. I can´t even count how many times they smashed my head making me cry for weeks. For what shitten purpose? Did they really think I would be grateful being abused? Did they really think It would make me a holy woman? It is now at least 4 years they have been at me telling me I lost it. I never reach the goal. I have no key, I don’t make it to the train, boat or whatever. Always failing. But they did not want me to create the key. They did stop me every time I tried to find the answers. To go home. Now they complain I´m not going.


If they really want me to continue the “search” for “home” they should give me something else, not that shitty dreams accusing me of not reaching the goals. I certainly don´t trust them. They have not earned my trust. If they don´t learn, why shall I? I am not going back to be smashed in my brain all over again. I just want to be left alone. Getting rid of men and spirits made life worth living. Why should I change that?