Eddie

I found some of your letters yesterday night. For some reason it triggered me to see if you were still around. So I started to look for you and for that old Forum I used to attend.
Found both and were amazed!
Both were as if I left yesterday. Nothing had changed. And it´s been 3 years.
You were pretty mad at me because I asked too much about what happened to me. And you could not answer. But instead of admitting that you did not know you got mad at me. You thought you were an all knowing entity in the universe, or the universe itself, and I thought you were arrogant and with a lot of pride. You could not understand my frustration and pain. You could not understand what I ment when I said it was spirituality that smashed my brain. Over and over again. As real as a blow to the head. And as painful as if you hit me with an iron club with all your strength.

Well, I see you are still the same. Still proud of being able to dismiss the pain of the body. Still trapped on body level but don´t even recognize it. You are as trapped as I am. “They” smash your body, “they” smash my brain. The difference is, I know it. I have not done any work the past 3 years. Not since I throw the buddist book in the lake. I´m still pretty pissed of with it. Life is better without it.

As for the forum, they are still there. All of them. Still chatting on the same level. Made me want to puke.
For 3 years debating the same thing that can´t be debated as it is all theories. And it is impossible to know the "truth".

I think I´ll clean up the mailbox now.
Hope all your surgeries are over now.

Yet another weird dream.

This morning I had another most disturbing dream. With a bit different setting. This time I forgot my backpack in a car after talking to a scoolmate of my daughter. A long dream that continued even when I tried to wake up. As my backpack was in the womans car and I did not know where it was, I was out of everything and could not go home. I had no phone, no key no money. It was a long dream and I can´t write it all down.



After a while I started to be confused, found everything weird and tried to get out of the dream. I almost had to knock myself over to be able to open my eyes.


I am sick and tired of this. For all those years when I was looking for the spiritual change they refused to let me find the “key”. I was refused to try out the things I wanted to explore. They did not trust me to be able to do what I was supposed to. They sent lightnings to my brain telling me “ don´t do this”. They split my brain in two when I meditated. I can´t even count how many times they smashed my head making me cry for weeks. For what shitten purpose? Did they really think I would be grateful being abused? Did they really think It would make me a holy woman? It is now at least 4 years they have been at me telling me I lost it. I never reach the goal. I have no key, I don’t make it to the train, boat or whatever. Always failing. But they did not want me to create the key. They did stop me every time I tried to find the answers. To go home. Now they complain I´m not going.


If they really want me to continue the “search” for “home” they should give me something else, not that shitty dreams accusing me of not reaching the goals. I certainly don´t trust them. They have not earned my trust. If they don´t learn, why shall I? I am not going back to be smashed in my brain all over again. I just want to be left alone. Getting rid of men and spirits made life worth living. Why should I change that?

Bastards!

I´m mad. You are trying to spoil my life again. I won´t allow it.



1 First the situation with the birder went out of hand. I take too much photos and drink to little coffé and don´t gossip at all. To bad, how is that psosible?

2 Then, my landlord called me that I was not allowed to feed birds on the balcony. And they only get jordnötter.

3 Today a woman gestured to me that I can´t take photos of the birds in her garden.

THAT is to much of a coincidence. So many things in a short period of time to make me stop birding. I also had dreams indicating that I should continue the spiritual path.

NO WAY I am doing that! I never go back to those who try to force me to obidience. Bitches I don´t like. And they call themselves spiritual. Trying to fool you it is about happiness and serenity. It is all about playing masters. Kings to be worshipped.

And I don´t worship! Why should I? We are made of the same stuff.

After all those years they still don´t know what I am about. I don´t tolerate to be forsced. Why don´t they learn? Or are abuse the only means for them to make people obey and fool them it is about happiness. Crap, I am not giving in as I know it is a lie.

I have a hard time accepting that people are mean to each other. It was quite obvious when I worked at the school. A first grade class. I know it was due to hormons, but I suffered when I noticed all stupid meanness going on around me. It makes me suffer. The only way to avoid it is to avoid people, spirituality and the world. I do like the three monkeys, close my eyes, ears and mouth. And I certainly don´t need a spiritual world that believs only in punishment and evil, instead of kindness and reason.