I am..and suffering

A man visited my nature blogs. On the profiles description it says “I am”. Nothing more.

Instantly my heart jumps. Hoping, wanting…. To get answers. Is he “I am” …. Or is it a wishfull thinking? A lot of people says they are, just to feel important. They think they are better then they are. Or hoping that “fake it till you make it” is relevent to this area as well. I was visited by it once, but it does not make me think I am that.

Lately I have been thinking about teachíng and forgiveness.

A teacher or parent ALWAYS explain what the teaching is about. So one is not disturbed by “punishment”.

If what they have put me through is “teaching” why have I not received an explanation to whot the teaching is about? I have a hard time forgiving things I have no clue of. I have to understand to forgive.

I can forgive an evil man if I understand his brain is not working as it should. But I can´t forgive the pain they gave me, without understanding why it was given. Because questions is always there. Did they give it because I made something wrong? If that was the case, what did I do? Did they give it for the fun of it? (That is what I think as I see no other reason.)

I have learned that some people have to wait for “the right time”. Some visions I had indicate that, was I moving to fast? Why the hell don´t they make me understand. What I hate so much is when somebody says “you don´t understand” without even trying to make them understand.

How can I forgive something that is supposed to be good, when it only gives me pain and suffering?

I thought it was over with that whipdream. But now I see it isn´t. I have a hard time with life as spiritual things is all over the place. People visiting my blogs often see the spiritual quality of nature in my photos. It is somewhat awkward as I try not to. And you can´t open a newspaper without see, first war then what people hope will end it, spirituality and religion. And they will all be dissappointed.
 There is no end to suffering.

All those years got me nothing. :(
in 2003,  I AM