The light equals darkness

Somehow it is sad you can´t record your thoughts. In the bathtub I had a nice chain of thoughts, Now I will have a difficult time recalling them.

It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.

Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.


Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.

Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.

I AM ......... observing!

I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M

When light becomes darkness

When light becomes darkness. How is it possible? What is light and what is darkness? How can light BE darkness?

Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.

The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.

Where can I go?

Lost………

Awake 24/7

Last night I started to think about being aware when asleep. Grim and I discussed that about 1.5 years ago.

He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.

If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.

Finally alone

It is a bit ironic, some years ago I longed so much to be alone. To be able to work with spiritual things full time. Meditating, reading, learning, attending spiritual forums and such things. But I was never able to do it, there was always a lot of things to do. Work, kids, parents, social stuff, you name it. Never ever able to do that spiritual work I longed for. Just partly, and all to often being refused to do even that. Being thrown into the wall as soon as I came to close.

Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.

I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.

What´s going on?

After a quiet year it has started all over again. Spiritual stuff is soon overloading my poor brain. Flying over my head like thunderclouds. Just waiting for lightenings to strike.

First I wrote a letter to one old friend. But I doubt he will response. He is on a journey to find the Ultimate. At least he was a year ago. I wanted to ask him if he has ever heard about anybody trying to derstoy their spirit? Because that is what I think I am doing. The scattered dreams is telling me so. He usually reads a lot and I think he was going to some guru so, if there is any tale he should probably know.

Then I met this woman online. For the first time I met somebody that seem to have no problem understanding me. And for now that scares the h-l out of me because I am not prepared to get draged back into spiritual search. I am not prepared to, one day soon, find myself being beaten up again.

What is happening?

Memories

There were a line of thoughts a moment ago.

About, if our lifeexperiences does matter or not, I am not sure.
Those that claim to be enlightened have, to my knowledge, never mentioned having access to other peoples memories or experiences. They talk about a peaceful void. And to my knowledge they never experience the living universe.

Hm, this is hard!

As I understand what they say, our lives has no meaning. There are no nuances in the void that depends on our experiences. We live our hurtful lives for nothing. Just to crack a brain.

If they are right, there is no reason what so ever why we should live those lives with karma involved. Or to live at all. Trying to figure out the meaning of old religions and to live to serve others. To better oneself. As it is said you have to do get to "heaven". It is of no use.

There must be sometning they don´t know. They claim to be the Void, yet they don´t know me. They are still limited.

I am talking about the Ultimate state, not somewhere in between. It has to include everything I have ever been, everything that have ever happened. You can´t take things away because then it is not all anymore.

I just hate this. It´s like trying to grab an emotion with your hand.

Competition in Paris, another dream

Again one of those dreams. Think it is the second time it was located in Paris.

I was on some athletic competition. A lot of orange colors in the dresses and surroundings. Most of the time I spent in the dressingroom area. After a long time, without competition I realised people was getting ready to go home. So, grabbed some things and ran over to see what it was all about. Did not really think it was time.

Found two of my companions beside a table. So asked them what was going on. They turned and pointed, the bus is soon leaving for the airport. We have to run. So, we started to run then. But then the bus started. And we stoped.

Then I started to check myself, I did not have any money, the bag was not with me. Ticket gone, I was not even fully dressed. No shoes and no jacket. Thought I had to look for it.

At that point I recognised myself. I realised I was in the dream. And all action seased. Never mind to find it. The spirit fails. Still making the same mistake with me. It never learns.

*************************************
The dream was not well structured as this sort of dream usually are. It was kind of sloppy, like the spirit giving up on me. GREAT! Life is good as it is now without this shit. Do I care about the spirit? NO! I don´t. It made too many mistakes and misjudged the human part of the system. I don´t mind if it has to live another life, at least that will not be me. I will sease to exist. The spirit part of me is scattering in the wind. And, can´t help it, but I am happy about it.

Disconnected

For a month I have been working in a first grade school class. It was a wonderful thing in a way. You really feel the connection to some of the kids. You form a bond between you.

Before that I had my parents to care for. First both of them and the last year only my dad.

My daughter and grandkids lives in a different town so I don´t see them much.

Now I am in the situation that I have been longing for. Can do as I please, at least for the greater part.

I am not sure about all this caretaking. Creations of bonds between souls. Experiencing the fact that souls are not many but one. Belonging. And then it all just disappears.

The old and familiar thoughts of spiritual matters still knocks at the "door". And I still keep the door closed. The questions never answered. I can´t relax as it is pulling. I refuse to start all over again.

I am alone now, in a void. I will remain here.

Fototriss - tre bilder på ett tema: Veckans Fototriss: Triss

Fototriss - tre bilder på ett tema: Veckans Fototriss: Triss

The energy in my hands and body is back

I suppose it is because of the knot in my stomach. It has returned due to the problems in the shoolclass where I practise.

It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.

I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.

White egg vision

The past days the spirit inside me is trying to surface. A lot of thought is coming up and I don´t like it.
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!

Canyon Echos - Ancient Visions - Native American

Somebody is in my head

Last saturday I had one of those sessions again. Starting to cry, wondering why I was not allowed to awaken. All those people, bitches, drogadicts and fanatic religious ones. They made it. But I was denied. Why? Thay always said that one should be nice and good to be able to enter the kingdom of Gods. But to me it seems that the meaner one is, the easier to get there.

The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.

Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.

So, now the peace ended.

I have been aware it starts moving again.

Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.

Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.

I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.

Here we go again!

Seems like peace is over for now.
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.

If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!

The brain

Havn´t been here……….

,,,,,,,,much lately and that is great.
Spirituality is as toxic as drogs so it will probably take years before I am free of it. Dome days it just pops up and makes demands, but so fat I am able to resist.

I am now busy with finishing everything that is left after my dad died. Then I have a lot to do with photographing and the other blogs I have. I keep myself very busy. But this morning I stoped and wondered why. But I know why, it is to keep myself free of spiritual thoughts.

I have read some more about the brain. The research nowadays reveal a lot of the brain. For now it seems like all spiritual experiences is just gosts created in the brain. Everything we experience is only works of the brain. Spiritual stuff no different. It is just about the brain. And when we die, it is gone. And that is good, that is the real comfort. If there is one.

The brain seem to be constantly changing, new pathways are created. Somewhere is those spiritual experiences created. Not different from our experience of colors or sound or warmth.
So, life is only created in our brains, when the brain is shut down there is nothing more to experience. That is true death.

So, I keep busy to fool the brain, locking certain things out.

Caregiving over

Dad past away last sunday. Now I have 6 weeks to finish his home. Last bills, split the home between children and grandchildren. Ending evrything and finally throw away everything nobody wants to keep.

Can´t help but think, now when my caregiving duty is over for now, what is spiritside going to haunt me with now? I bet it will be ugly.

One of those nights

Again I had one of those nights when the pillow gets wet.

Spirituality knocking on the door making heart sobb. I had to put a towel on the pillow to avoid getting it all soaked down. It took me two hours and two Valeriana pills to finally go to sleep. Today I feel empty.

The only good thing is that it is longer now between those attacks. Hopefully it will subside entirely.

To hell with it

The last couple of days has been kind of emotional. Yesterday it was a very nice autum morning. I took a walk down to the lake. But instead of finding peace there was a black hole in my chest. An empty space that should have been filled with content and peace with self.

Then the internet trouble started and I got furious. That was all that was needed to set all emotions to start. Blaming the Universe for every crap that happens. The longing for death. Why the h-l live a life like this? It´s disgusting. And for no sk-n reason.

Today the intestines started to bleed. They always do when I am troubled. So now I can really live out my hate for the universe. To hell with it.

For Fin

I´ve been wondering why you wrote me of all people to get the adress. Maybe I have something to tell.

I don´t know why you wanted to talk to no1, but maybe you don´t need to.

As I see it now, none of them has anything important to say. They are unable to help as they are not done themselves. They claim to be one with the universe, awaken or what ever. But they are not. They are still stuck in the body and limited to it. They think they know The All, but, yet they have no access to my mind. They have no clue of what is going on in my mind. Or yours. I could never see myself as finished as long as the mind is limited. Yea, they have come a long way, but they still have a long way to go.

Chip and grimnexus was the two that knew me best. Yet none of them understood what is going on in my mind. I don´t think they even believed me.

And all those teachings, the secrets. Chip told me of a well kept secret she had discovered. But that was a thing I have known for decades. A comon thing in my eyes. And she was amazed.

I read the Tibetan book of the dead. That book needed only to be one page long. All it said was: recognice all that comes as being yourself. Know the energy to be you!

I started to read one of the books of D Lama.The Dzogchen one. He lived all his life learning Buddism. Yet for all learning and a lifetime of living it, he dared not say he was awakened, and he did not teach his own knowing. Halfway into the book I got mad and throw the book into the lake where I was sitting. It´s on the bottom now I guess, covered with mud. There was only booklearning in there, and nothing I did not already know.

Since then I refuse to do any work in that area. I´ve been stoped, I´ve been hit, I´ve been covered again with the dirt I cleaned of, to not discover the truth. Now I don´t any more. I am pissed of to not be allowed to do myself what I was supposed to do. If the spirit wants to go further, it is up to it. I don´t bother any more.

What I want to say really is that I don´t think you need to consult anybody. They have nothing to tell you. If they can´t read your soul, if they can´t see/be your mind, they are not done. And none of them can, they can´t penetrate that barrier. And then, they can´t help you. But at least grim knew that there is more. He was still searching last I heard anything.

If ever I will "awaken" I expect it to be no limits whatsoever. With the body only as a channel to communicate to the world of matter.